Pass the saltines and Sprite

HALLOWEEN DOUBLEFEATURE

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:25:00 GMT

A Halloween doublefeature for our dear readers! We thought we'd do something light and fluffy after the gerbils and the nazism and whatnot nurturing Tegu's budding alcoholism and all. And they're even thematically appropriate! The first one, The Birth Of Axel, is set during the first game, in the first game's version of Halloween Town--a nostalgic, tender time, full of innocence and love. ...Not anymore. The second is our first and only fic culled from the Kingdom Hearts kinkmeme! We're both big fans of the meme, write for it, track it, all that good stuff. We don't generally consider kinkmeme fics sporkable, because, well...the entire POINT of it is to be mindless lurid kinkfuel. It'd be like mocking a Boston Terrier for being derpy, or a fish for swimming and being delicious, or a Patriots fan for being a colossal ass. So, in other words, you've got to fellate donkeys in new and unusual ways to attract our attention, which is precisely what A Slap In The F--I'm sorry, A Gving Jailer does."

Also, beware of a few minor spoilers for 358/2 Days here, since we have both finished the game.

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Title: The Birth of Axel
Author: Cave
Rating: While short, four shadows seems appropriate enough for this.

Full Name (including any titles): Sora, and Skippy.
Full Species(es): Canonus Horndogicus, Heartless Gargoylicus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Who cares?
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Shock and awe!
Special Possessions (if any): A persistent cock, an inquisitive personality, and booze.

Origin: Too much free time
Connections To Canon Characters: Looked them up on Rule 34.
Special Abilities: Well, there's... yeah.
Other Annoying Traits: Just using the whole drunkenness bit as an excuse is perfectly annoying in of itself.

I Say/Notes: It's bestiality.

Is there really anything else we need to say?

Sample:

Our sporking opens in the porno theater, still rather pungent. Axel and Demyx are already seated in the front row, with a bowl of Halloween candy between them. Axel picks out a Snickers bar and starts to chow down on it.
Axel: *munching on candy* Looks like it's porn horror tonight, Mr. Melodious Nocturne! You sure you can stomach it?
Demyx: Sure I can! I mean...there's no blood baths or cockvore or guro or any of that, right?
Axel: Nnnnnnope.
Demyx: *grabs a candy bar* Then I'll be okay!
Axel: *evil smirk*
Demyx: ...I hope?
Axel: *evil smirk*
Demyx: ...Okay, fine. I'm doomed. That about right?
Axel: Look on the bright side, loser! At least it looks like it's just us two, so we get all this candy and don't have to worry about one of those killjoys coming in to spork wi—
Suddenly, a portal of darkness opens and Xemnas steps into the theater.
Axel: --Spoke too soon.
Xemnas: Oh, how pleasant, I'm stuck here with you two again. *He seats himself*
Demyx: ...Anyone else got déjà vu?

Sora, Donald and Goofy have been invited to a party at Halloween Town.

The party itself was a huge success even without the involvement of heartless,

Xemnas: No hearts being fed to Kingdom Hearts? Then I'd hardly call this a success.

but most important of all (as is true at any party) was the consumption of alcohol that night.

Demyx: WOOOOOO--wait what
Axel: Pink elephants, ho!

Donald and Goofy had already passed out and were crashing for the night at Sally’s place.

Axel: Oh great, Goofy's going to wake up next to Dr. Finkelstein and be all WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?!

But Sora isn't happy. No, he's horny!

Tonight was not an exception. It was already upsetting enough that Riku had disappeared and god only knew where he was right now.

Axel: There's way better parties over at Captain Hook's place.

So, who could he screw?

Demyx: How much bish would a shotaboy screw if a shotaboy could screw bish?

And that was when he came up with the idea to go back to Traverse Town to find Squall or maybe he could run into Cloud or Hercules at the Coliseum.

Demyx: Oh no, he's gonna try to get it on with the PENIS HYDRA!
Axel and Demyx: AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGH!
Xemnas: What the hell is this thing that you two keep mentioning, anyway?

But Donald has the gummi ship keys.

So Sora sulked. Alot. He was not happy with his throbbing erection and incessant erotic thoughts.

Demyx: Did someone spike Sora's Smirnoff with Viagra or something?
Axel: If your badfic lasts more than four hours, consult a physician!

Instead of even thinking of just going on the internet and looking up some really sweet porno, he stumbled away from Guillotine Square and into the graveyard.

Xemnas: Pity he didn't just stumble through the guillotine.
Demyx: ...Halloween Town has the internet?
Axel: Sure, but it's Halloween Town so they only get necro.

Sora stumbles off and fails at fighting Heartless.

A drunken Sora, swinging around a Keyblade and trying to defeat heartless was quite the sight indeed. Too bad nobody was around to laugh.

All: *point and laugh* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Eventually, though, even the heartless were beginning to notice how pathetic this was becoming as they themselves started cracking up

Xemnas: Heartless can laugh?
Demyx: They do it around me all the time, for some reason.

and slowly faded away to go back to sleep or have sex or do whatever heartless do when they aren’t attacking people.

Demyx: But...but I don't think Heartless reproduce that way!
Axel: *as Heartless* Well this is rich, but I gotta hit the hay. I have a full shift of tearing out peoples' life essence tomorrow. Damn Mondays!
Xemnas: Someone get Oogie Boogie on the phone, I want these lazy Heartless fired.

One lone gargoyle heartless still remained though. He seemed... different from the others.

Axel: He had a heart! And angel wings! And loved the main character! And was PERFECT but MISUNDERSTOOD and ANGSTY!

This Gargoyle is interested?

He approached the being with a stern look plastered on his face as he grabbed the ankle of the beast and threw him to the ground.

Axel: More like he tried to grab its ankle and instead fell all the way down from Oogie's treehouse and had to climb back up ALL OVER AGAIN SERIOUSLY WHERE IS THE SAVE POINT, amirite?
Demyx: Then Sora snicker-snagged on him, pants'd him and dragged him around the track!

The gargoyle didn’t move and Sora really didn’t care. He held the creature down near the shoulder and unzipped his pants with his free hand.

Xemnas: ...The hell?
Demyx: I LIKED MY IDEA BETTER!
Axel: SORA IS: WILT CHAMBERLAIN!

What Sora wanted, he was gunnah get.

Axel: His wife? A HEARTLESS.

The annoying hard-on that had plagued him for quite some time now was finally revealed to the outside.

Demyx: *as The Outside* OH GOD GET IT AWAAAAAAAAY

Sora shoves some fingers up its ass.

The face the gargoyle made from the sudden intrusion was that of a single knight as he sees an army of thousands of really pissed-off scottish terriers come charging at him.

Demyx: LOOK OUT, IT'S SIR DIDYMUS!

He was rather shocked.

Xemnas: Oh, is that all?
Demyx: How can you tell? They don't have pupils! Or even eyebrows!
Axel: Damn, the ONE TIME Sora gets to play seme, and it's bestiality. Now that's cruel.

That didn’t slow Sora, however, as he moved the fingers in and out in a constant motion. Soon he was able to hit the g-spot and massaged it lightly.

Xemnas: *squints* But...males don't have g-spots.
Demyx: Um, sir, I think the bigger issue is that monsters don't have g-spots.

The gargoyle let out a growlish moan of pleasure and seemed to even sigh disappointedly when he pulled the fingers out.

Axel: *as Heartless* Oh please, sir, rape me more!
Xemnas: He seems to be raping adverbs at the same time.

Sora made sure he wasn’t disappointed for long, though, as he shoved that persistent hard cock straight into the tight, virgin ass.

Demyx: How exactly is a cock persistent? Does it grow a mouth to nag with, or something?

The gargoyle let out a howl and Sora a moan as he slammed against its ass and began a rhythm.

Demyx: *picks out a rhythm* BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM, SHOOT YOU LIKE A BAMBAR!

Sweat built up quickly and the heat was soaring.

Demyx: Someone turn down the thermostat!
Axel: Expect today's highs in the whatthefuckery degrees, and lows in faith in humanity.

Sora could barely hold on any longer. The gargoyle orgasmed in a flurry of pants;

Xemnas: It sounds like some sort of demented sequel to "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs."
Axel: AND THE PANTS WERE DEAD!

Sora followed soon after with a grunt.

Axel: *as Sora* Sorry, that did nothing for me.
Xemnas: Shinra grunt?
Demyx: It's SECRETLY CLOUD!

Afterwards, Sora felt both relieved and a bit awkward to have pretty much committed bestiality.

Demyx: Pretty much? What, is it not bestiality if you buy it dinner first?
Xemnas: Just "awkward," really.
Axel: It's fanfic. He's probably done worse.
Demyx: Worse than Heartless bestiality? Really?
Axel: ...I'm sure there's SOMETHING.

But he didn’t care because Sora got what he wanted when he wanted and that was that.

Demyx: But he'll have to make a deal with the devil for his baseball team!

The gargoyle decided that sex was more fun than stealing hearts and began hanging out with Sora a lot more often. Sora decided to name him Skippy.

Xemnas: I'd love to see him explain this one to Donald and Goofy.
Demyx: They're probably too busy sexing each other up to notice.
Axel: Unfortunately, LEECHGRAVE is Skippy the Gargoyle's jealous lover!

End.

Axel: AAAAAAND HOW.
Xemnas: *rubs temples* That was short and yet remarkably putrid. Must we go on?
Demyx: But doesn't the next one have porn with Axel in it?
All: .....
Axel: Just so you both know, I'm not fucking Skippy.

Title: A Very Gving Jailer
Author: Anonymous
Rating: No more than three.

Full Name (including any titles): Axel and Kairi
Full Species(es): Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): As canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Short limbs?
Special Possessions (if any): Handcuffs, boots and a killer libido.

Origin: The kink meme
Connections To Canon Characters: Gave them a cursory glance, then went back to Y!Gallery.
Special Abilities: The ability to get REALLY SUPER WET, also to whine a lot.
Other Annoying Traits: A whoooole lot of pointless, OOC swearing.

I Say/Notes: This is like the porn equivalent of watching two salamanders go at it: it's fast, not sexy, and makes you feel a little slimy afterwards. Except salamanders are actually in-character.

Sample:

"Not much to it, is there?" Axel sits up against the wall next to the crude entrance, eyes closed and head resting back against the roughly hewn tree bark. "Guess it's nice as far as treehouses go."

Demyx: He's up there with Hobbes the crack tiger! It's a G.R.O.S.S. meeting!
Xemnas: You're not that far off.

Kairi, shoved up into a heap at the back of the small room, swallows a smartassed remark, figuring there's no point in getting on the guy's nerves.

Xemnas: I hear "for the lols" is a popular reason these days, whatever that means.

Not that she's much for telling time,

Demyx: In video games, you can ALWAYS take your time.

but she figures it's been about four hours since Axel hauled her through a portal--in Twilight Town, did those kids say?--back to Destiny Islands, and he hasn't done much to rape or maim her yet,

Demyx: "Yet?"
Xemnas: "Much?"
Axel: Wait, why the hell are we back there anyway? Did she forget her purse?

feeding her fruit distractedly after her stomach did a singing and dancing number.

Demyx: *as Kairi's stomach* HELLO MY BABY, HELLO MY DARLIN', HELLO MY RAGTIME GAAAL!

Kairi can't excape because magical handcuffs or something. Things are boring so they start to snooze.

Axel, slumped to a side, mutters in his sleep.

Demyx: *as Axel* 'n I wudda got away wiffit too, 'f'wurn fer those pesky kidzzzzz...

Something about a "Roxas," and Kairi can't help but notice it sounds pained, like he's crying out for something--someone?--he lost.

Demyx: *as Axel* Nuu Roxas, you can' take my pony! Izzz mine!

It's hot in the tree house, a breezeless 87 degrees pouring over the small island,

Xemnas: Ah, I see! She's much for magical temperature-telling!
Axel: What is she, some kinda Andalite?

and she wonders how Axel can stand it inside that dark, heavy looking coat. Three feet away, sweating in her sleeveless dress, she can see beads of sweat swell and trickle down the side of Axel's face.

Xemnas: That doesn't sound like he's "standing it" at all.
Demyx: Wasn't she RAISED on this world?

Secretly, she thinks it's a pretty nice face.

Demyx: eh fucks up everything eh ever wanted and doesn't afraid of anything!

So exactly how deep does this kidnapping kink go?!

She'd just... arrived on Destiny Islands one day. No parents, no history. How, if not by some dark, midnight stranger snatching her away.

Xemnas: So the author is suggesting that her sexual preferences are due to events she cannot even remember during her toddler years.
Demyx: ...Why do I feel so uncomfortable all of a sudden?

Completely powerless, helpless, and Kairi... she likes it. It feels right, to her. Rational.

Axel: Right, maybe. Rational? Oh we left that behind with the "not much for telling time" bull.

Watching Axel breathe through his mouth--soft, sleepy murmurings--and she feels the twist in her stomach. Axel, someone who had taken her by force, snatched her away.

Axel: Sometimes a pair of handcuffs is just a pair of handcuffs.

Kairi sighs slightly, shifting her hips so her hands, bound behind her back, slide up against her ass. Her skin is overheated, fingers slick against the sweat pooled under her clothes, and--fuck, if her arms weren't so goddammed short--

Xemnas: Short arms? On a Square character? I'm not so convinced.

she could almost tease her ass. Maybe, given enough time, it would be enough to get her off.

Axel: At the nearest station! Next stop: Upper Badporntown!
Demyx: Or, hey, crazy idea, maybe she could escape.

Axel just needs to stay asleep, need to stay exhausted, and she--

"Just in time for the show, I see."

Demyx: More like he was an hour early to the show and the band's still getting set up, really.

Kairi freezes, eyes flying open. Axel, smirking, is wide awake and staring as she unsuccessfully tries to finger her ass.

"Horny bitch," Axel smiles,

Demyx: Wait, what did she do that made her a bitch? I'm confused.
Xemnas: Exist.
Demyx: But--this is heterosexual fic, I...

pushing himself up and coming to stand over Kairi, underwear still shoved down in the back, her cheeks flaming with embarrassment. "I didn't know unconscious, astoundingly attractive redheads were your thing, but I must say, you have excellent taste."

Xemnas: Oh, please Axel, feel free to flatter yourself some more.
Axel: Thank you, don't mind if I do.

"Fuck off, creep," Kairi hisses, pinching the back of her panties between a thumb and forefinger and sliding them upward. "I masturbate when I'm bored. Don't flatter yourself."

Axel: ...Okay, now I do mind.
Demyx: Man, someone pardon her French!

So Axel sticks his boot in her crotch.

The lame insult falls flat as Kairi's stomach coils painfully, the contact with Axel's boot pressing her panties into her sodden cunt, soaking them through.

Demyx: And up from the ground came a bubblin' cruuude...

When had she gotten so wet? Her clit throbs against the contact, and Axel smiles.

Axel: I can tell this is getting her off because I've got boots on! ...Wait.

"I don't know who's sicker in this situation, sweetheart. Me, or the one with the shoe up her pussy."

Demyx: It's a new fetish! Footing!

The toe of his boot raises and lowers as Axel rocks on the ball of his foot, the jagged, dirty, sole rubbing against Kairi's clit.

Xemnas: Now it just sounds like he's about to fall on her any moment.
Axel: UH OH, WACKY HIJINKS!

Rolling her hips, Kairi offers a wry smile, shrugging. "It's not your fault you think I'm attractive. I forgive you.

Demyx: Of COURSE, it's all her...wait, what?
Xemnas: *as Kairi* Your sins are forgiven, my child. Go and be at peace.
Axel: ...Now THAT was creepy.

Just so you know, though, I have a thing for abduction.

Demyx: This sounds like that thing in shounen anime where instead of actually fighting they stand and talk at each other about the scope of their ~*~vast powers~*~ and the strength of their ~*~secret techniques~*~ and how ~*~their abilities make them UNSTOPPABLE!~*~except in shounen anime their superpowers aren't their fetishes.
Axel: Is that what you think?

Kairi suggests that Axel can't get it up, and this makes Axel maaad!

She's so throughly soaked that the fingers slide in effortlessly, wet, sloshing sounds filling the small room as her mouth drops open on a moan and Axel fingers her ruthlessly.

Demyx: ...Should porn be making me feel like I have to go to the bathroom?

"Actually, I thought it was pretty entertaining how you were fucking yourself against me like a pathetic dog in heat humping someone's leg,

Axel: *as himself* I'm not turned on by you!
Demyx: *as Kairi* Well I'm turned on even LESS by you!
Axel: *as himself* Well I'm NEGATIVE turned on by you!
Demyx: *as Kairi* And I'm negative times infinity not turned on by you!
Axel: *as himself* I'M negative times infinity not turned on by you PLUS ONE!
Xemnas: Stop that.

but the reason I'm not hard for you, sweetheart, is because I'm not into girls." Axel's thumb, rubbing her clit while his fingers push and push up into her, takes on a particularly frenzied pace.

Demyx: AND IF THE SPEED OF AXEL'S FINGERING DROPS BELOW 55MPH...
Xemnas: They'll go out with a bang?

"Especially not disgusting leaky gashed bitches, so don't fucking flatter yourself."

Axel: Misogyny? In MY het fic? IT'S MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK!
Demyx: This isn't porn, this is the seven naughty words you can't say on television!
Xemnas: Flattery will get you unfulfilling sex, it seems.

Axel's eyes flash and Kairi's entire body spasms as she comes, hips bucking involuntarily, fucking herself on Axel's fingers.

Demyx: And we get orgasm frooooommmm...trash-talk and eye-flashing?
Axel: What am I, some unholy fusion of Chaos and The Emperor?

When she finishes, gasping on the floor, Axel wrenches his hand free.

Xemnas: You know what would have made this fic even better? Vagina dentata.
Axel: *WINCES*

Sniffing his fingers briefly, he winces. "This is fucking disgusting."

Xemnas: Oh just put some hand soap on it, you great big baby.
Axel: What, did she come cat vomit or something?

Peeling the gloves off his hands, he tosses them on the floor and takes up his previous post near the entrace to the room. "Those were a perfectly good pair of gloves you just ruined, I'll have you know. Now they have smelly girl juice all over them. Sick."

Xemnas: It's called a laundromat.
Demyx: *as Axel* EWWWWWW I GOT GIIIIRL COOTIES ON ME I'M TELLING THE YARD LADYYYYYYY!
Axel: *sarcastic* Because Roxas's piss smells like chocolate and his semen tastes like cinnamon rolls, didn't you know.

Kairi's head spins with the force of her orgasm,

Demyx: LINDA BLAIR?!
Axel: It is Halloween.

and she leans her head back, closing her eyes. "No one forced you to touch me."

"I'm a very giving jailer, Kairi. I find that treating prisoners nicely helps things run smoothly.

Axel: *as self* Besides, the requester wanted Axel/Kairi and I guess I'll have to defy the OTP and deign to write ICKY HET.
Xemnas: ...Wait, requester?

But if you don't Shut The Fuck Up, I'll toss a bag over your head and fuck you in the ass until you can't walk." Not for the last time, Kairi wonders who or what "Roxas" is.

Demyx: Hey...wait! By this point she already talked to Roxas in that weird Vulcan mind meld scene, so she knows who he is! That doesn't work!
Axel: Like anything else in this fic does?

"And then I'll torch you," Axel added for good measure, turning to stare out at the blue, blue ocean.

Demyx: MiniLuv recommends soothing sights and sounds after your Two Minutes Hate!
Axel: Yeah, whatever. Let's grab the M&M and Skittles and scram already.
Demyx: *raises hand* Wait wait, I've got a question! Where was the birth of Axel involved?
Axel: What?
Demyx: That first fic, with Skippy! It was called 'The Birth of Axel!' That was never tied up!
Xemnas: Well quite obviously, Number IX, Sora's sexual exploits with Skippy the Gargoyle led to Skippy becoming pregnant with their lovechild. This bastard Heartless-Nobody-thing eventually grew up into Axel, and embittered by having no mother in his life, he grew to fear and despise all things female. This exhibited itself in his hostile and overly defensive attitude towards the very idea of "girl juices," as generously provided by Kairi. His fixation on the blue, blue ocean symbolizes his Oedipal complex and desire to be reunited with Roxas and by proxy his mother, Sora.
Axel and Demyx: ..........
Demyx: I'm just going to...go...place. *he warps out*
Axel: This is why I HATE sporking with you! *he warps out as well*
Xemnas: *smirks* Fools.
*Xemnas grabs all of the Halloween candy for himself and portals out*

Okay, we CAN'T think of a wittier title than 'He's In Love With A Stripper' - (FINAL PART)

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 03:16:20 GMT

At long last, we bring you the final part of this bizarre sporking trip. We hope that you enjoyed this ride into mpreg land! Look out for a doublefeature from us next time we spork again!

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

Zexion groaned and doubled over, holding his aching tummy. "Ugh...Lexaeus! This baby is killing me!"

All: *chanting* GO FETUS, GO FETUS, GO FETUS!

he whined, bending over the kitchen table to ease the pain-- which didn't really help. Cloud came in holding a tray with assorted medications.

Riku: Zexion, the hypochondriac.

His hand had been bandaged for a few weeks now, the wounds still seeming, even after all this time, fresh.

Sora: Geez, he really WAS bitten by a werewhore.
Axel: Following in the grand old fanfic tradition of never seeing a doctor for anything whatsoever!
Zexion: My bite is worse than my bark.

Lexaeus asks Cloud what happened to his hand.

"A wild bitch bit me," he said.

Zexion: *as Lexaeus* Well then stop sticking your hands into wild dog dens already!

"Cloud, please, we're in the Twenty-first century. Dog," Lexaeus said.

Sora: *sings* She's a...Twentieth cen-tur-y doooog!

Cloud turned and rolled his eyes, he looked down at Zexion and glared.

Zexion straightened up, "You probably deserved it," he said, closing his eyes. "Getting bitten, I mean."

Riku: *as Zexion* You didn't deserve that glare though, I apologize.

Cloud closed his eyes and leaned against the table.

Kairi: Oh, that explains it. Everyone talks with their eyes closed, so it's not that they have selective perception, they just have none at all!

"Deserved it?" he asked. "The stupid bitch should have learned it's place and not defied me.

Sora: This is starting to get into a weird area.
Zexion: It's been there for awhile.

I kept demanding it followed my orders; I thought it was well trained. I was obviously wrong," he said, sticking his nose in the air like a snob.

Kairi: Sticking his nose snobbily up high in the air like a snob that so didn't care what you thought because they were so snobby.

"Maybe you should have payed attention to when the dog was getting ANGRY with you!" Zexion said, trying not to raise his voice.

Axel: Well maybe you shouldn't have dipped your hand in meat sauce before petting it!

"Maybe it shouldn't have stepped out of line and defied me in the first place," Cloud glared, leaning over the table.

Kairi: Maybe you should learn that the first step in good animal-human relations is respect?

"Maybe you shouldn't have raped me!" Zexion yelled.

Sora: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN.
Riku: This is going to confuse Lexaeus a lot if he assumes they're still talking about Lassie.

Everyone froze in place. Lexaeus rose an eyebrow; he was definitely the most confused, no competition.

Riku: Case in point!

Zexion stared at Cloud then Lexaeus then Cloud then Lexaeus again. Lexaeus blinked still, trying to fit the pieces together. (Don't hurt yourself Lex)

Kairi: *as the author* Don't step in our many bear traps!
Sora: Well thanks author, that's some grade-A characterization right there! *gives thumbs up*

"...I always sensed some hostility between you two, but Zexion...don't take it that far," Lexaeus said.

Kairi: ...
Sora: ...
Riku: ...
Zexion: ...
Axel: *to Cid* --we're not allowed to reuse the jawdrop macro?! What, I--not funny? Like anything we could say could make this funny!

Zexion groaned and doubled over as another sharp pain shot through his widening tummy. "Ugh! Just get my some damn medicine!"

Kairi: Well now that we've completely brushed over THAT shocking confession...
Sora: Is his water breaking now or something?
Riku: Baby's probably kicking him in the bladder as hard as it can in protest of this.

he growled, reaching for the bottles. He picked one up and examined it, "Only take one every six hours..." he sighed and shrugged pouring the contents into his hand.

Axel: Damn, this kid's gonna have PTSD before it's even born.

"Well, time for you to get ready for our big day!" Lexaeus grinned, kissing Zexion's nose. He grabbed Cloud and they left the kitchen. "Namine's in your room, ready to help you into you wedding gear!" Lexaeus called back to him.

Riku: Wedding gear? What, are they going to have the ceremony while rappelling up Half Peak or something?

"See ya!" Zexion called back, taking the pills in his hand and a glass of water upstairs.

Kairi: So they're seriously just...going to leave it at that?
Axel: Silly Kairi, they'll run out of overblown drama if they resolve this whole rape thing too soon!

He sighed and stopped to look in the mirror in the hallway. He put a hand on his reflection,

Sora: *belts out* When will my reflection shooooow...who I aaaam...insiiiiiide!

"Sorry what I said to you before..." he apologized. "I know you're not a whore. You are capable of loving...and I really don't hate you...truce?"

Axel: *as Zexion's reflection* Fuck no bitch, I'mma gonna mess you up as soon as I'm free of this mirror world!
Sora: Look out, it's Nikki from 'Heroes'!
Riku: *as Mirror* You're still not the fairest in all the land.
Zexion: Who'd want to be Snow White, anyhow?
Riku: *as Mirror* Snow who? I'm talking about Aqua.

He paused, almost as if he was waiting for his reflection to reply, "Good to see we're friends again," he smiled softly.

Axel: Until the poltergeists show up!
Sora: *as the mirror* Wait no, I was gonna tell you it was the heart of a pig you hold in...oh never mind.

He stood there and blinked, "I'm going fucking insane..."

All: No argument there.

He sighed and shook his head, walking to his room. He looked down into his palm, staring at the four pills. "It said only take one..." he muttered. "Oh well."

Axel: *as Zexion* What's a few more deformities and disorders on this fetus gonna matter!

He gave a light shrug and smiled lightly, getting a glass of water from his night stand. He popped the pills into his mouth and drank them down, wiping his mouth. "Ahhh," he said.

Riku: *in nasaly voice* MMMMMMMM that's good ANTIDEPRESSANTS!

"Zexy!" Namine cheered. "I am sooo happy for you! It's your big day, finally!" she giggled.

Zexion: *as Namine* You're gonna look great for the miscarriage!

Namine tries to help him dress, but the drugs make Zexion go absolutely loopy! Lexaeus comes in to ask what the deal is.

"I think Zexion took too much of his medicine," she nodded.

Sora: Naw, he just forget the spoonful of sugar!

Lexaeus sighed, "Namine...bother me when it's something important!" he said. "There's still so much to do!" he fretted, running off.

Sora: He's late, he's late, for a very important date!
Kairi: What is even going on at this point?!

Namine looked to Zexion worriedly, "He'll be fine," she assured herself. "Just fine."

((Blah blah some time later))

Kairi: ...What is...I don't even...
Zexion: This tears it. The author has completely given up and gone to get a sandwich. A chinchilla is typing up the fic in their absence.
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF COMPLETE FUCK-ALL NONSENSE LATER

Cloud was the one that would walk Zexion down the aisle, and he was on his way to pick the boy up.

Sora: Anyone remotely related to Zexion abandoned this fic out of sheer shame, so Cloud had to fill in!
Riku: ...What, they couldn't get Demyx in? Or just have him walk down himself?
Kairi: Silly Riku, expecting fic from fans of alternative sexuality and genderplay to subvert the dominant patriarchal paradigm.

"Namine...get Zexion out here please!" Cloud yelled through the door.

Zexion: I could only be so damn fortunate!

"Eh..yeah!" the blonde called back. She looked at the dozing boy that was babbling about some nonsense. She picked him up and carried him to the door, "Here ya go!"

Axel: Tapdancing Dragoons on toast, even Namine can carry Zexion places.
Sora: It's Travel Version Zexion, for easy portability!

Cloud blinked as Zexion was suddenly shoved at him and the small blonde ran off, disappearing down the hall.

Axel: Has to wash her hands of Zexion's ick.

"Zexion...?"

Zexion gave a goofy laugh as he fell limp into Cloud's arms, "Oh right, someone's having a partyyy today!" he sang. "Parrttyyyyy, am I invited?" he cooed.

Kairi: It's his party and he'll cry if he wants to.
Zexion: You would cry too if it happened to you.

Cloud raised an eyebrow, "Man...I could so just throw you down and take you...damn Lexaeus..." he muttered.

Riku: Stupid muscle-bound fiancee getting in the way of raping the bride on wedding day!
Sora: It's like everyone in this fic wants to have sex with a pile of cold noodles!

"Now come on." Cloud had to drag Zexion all the way to the church across the street from the mansion.

Kairi: Lexaeus had that church built right across the street from the mansion just so the author wouldn't have to fix any pesky logistics.

When they got there the wedding was just about to begin, the music was already playing and Cloud was a bit unprepared.

Zexion: This is going to be the sort of wedding that gets brought up three years later in a Jerry Springer episode.

Everyone watches in confusion as Cloud drags Zexion down the aisle. And just in case you missed it...

Let's have a recap!

"Eh..yeah!" the blonde called back. She looked at the dozing boy that was babbling about some nonsense. She picked him up and carried him to the door, "Here ya go!"

Riku: They're playing Hot Potato with Zexion!

Cloud blinked as Zexion was suddenly shoved at him and the small blonde ran off, disappearing down the hall.

Kairi: *as Namine* HOT POTATO! You lose!

"Zexion...?"

Zexion gave a goofy laugh as he fell limp into Cloud's arms, "Oh right, someone's having a partyyy today!" he sang. "Parrttyyyyy, am I invited?" he cooed.

Riku: Wait--we already mocked this!
Axel: Oh stop complaining. There's more than enough egregious fail to go around.

Cloud raised an eyebrow, "Man...I could so just throw you down and take you...

Sora: Out to the ball game?

Blah blah all the same stuff. Cloud tells Zexion to get going!

Zexion pouted and stomped his feet, "No. I'm. Tired!" he yelled.

Sora: *as Zexion* I want my sippy cup, moooooooom!
Riku: *as same* I dunwanna get married mom, it's boooooring! I wanna watch Teletubbies!

"And these fucking clips are stabbing me in the head,"

Sora: ...shuriken?!
Riku: NOT AGAIN

he whined, grabbing his hair and pulling at the clips, only having them get tangled in his extensions. He whined more, "Not fair!" he cried.

Kairi: *as Zexion* I'm telling the yard lady on yooooou!
Zexion: *rubs temples*

Cloud got Zexion going again, having to use some force.

Sora: You need to put him in neutral first!
Axel: Attach some jumper cables to him, that'll should get him moving.

Zexion stumbled along, shifting uncomfortably, whining and complaining still.

Zexion: Deplorable.

Finally they get to the platform.

"Ahem!" the pastor said, clearing his throat. "We are gathered here to join, this man...and er...

Sora: This five-year-old!
Kairi: This ball-jointed doll!
Riku: This ventriloquist dummy!
Axel: This blind and braindead box turtle!
Zexion: This is ridiculous.

this man...in holy matrimony--"

Lexaeus ignored the pastor and stared at his dozing beauty.

Kairi: A marriage is a contract, right? And aren't contracts invalid if one party is not in their right mind?
Zexion: When has anyone ever been IN their right mind I--*twitch*

He played with the ends of Zexion's hair and purred softly, it reverberated in his chest and made Zexion giggle.

Sora: The pastor's got it all wrong: he's not marrying two guys, he's marrying a cat and a ball of string!

Axel is watching this in the back, by the way.

"Do you--"

Sora: --Have a Kleenex? An earwig just crawled across the podium here; gonna squash it.

"I object!" the redhead's voice yelled,

Sora: OVERRULED!
Axel: TAKE THAT!

echoing through the church. His green eyes were dull, almost a grey looking color and dark purple lines were under his eyes.

Zexion: Went too heavy on the eye makeup there, Axel.
Kairi: Well darn, how're they gonna be able to describe eyes as precious gems now?

Zexion turned to the side, reality suddenly giving him a hard slap in the face.

Axel: *as reality* Now go make me a sandwich!
Zexion: *applies book directly to Axel's forehead*

He seemed to react quickly smiling and standing up straight, the pill's affect on his body seeming to have left him alone completely.

Sora: True love conquers drugs! Yes, this makes PERFECT sense!
Riku: To be fair, it did work on Snow White and Aurora.
Sora: That's magic, so it's different!

"Zexion!" the redhead yelled, all the attention suddenly drawn to him. "I--"

Axel: *as self* Just came to tell you I think I can finally move on!

He was quickly interrupted by a small boy in a blue tuxedo.

Sora: It's Tuxedo Mask!

The remnant triplets declare him to be a pimp.

"Oh...Zexion! I don't care if you don't love me anymore, I still love you! I can't eat...or...or sleep.

Axel: *as himself* Or...speak in...a matter that's...not Shatneresque!

All I can think about is you! I...I love you so much!" he yelled. "Please...whatever I did wrong...please forgive me and give me another chance!"

Sora: *Will* Zexion give him another chance? Will Cloud rape one of the small boys in the audience because he's that horny? And what of Lexaeus, and his love for balls of string? Find out next week!
Kairi: Wonder if they'll recap half of this chapter in the next one, too.
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF ELLPISES LATER

Zexion stepped forward, "Axel...!"

Lexaeus took a firm grab on Zexion's shoulder, "Guards!" he yelled.

Zexion: Who are these guards, and where were they when Cloud was raping me every which way to Sunday?

The guards, Reno and Rude, quickly sprang into action and jumped on Axel, retraining him.

Kairi: To what? Fetch some dude's balls?
Sora: You can't teach an old Axel new tricks!
Axel: *as the author* Better squeeze in those last-minute cameos!

Lexaeus strives to keep them apart!

"We are going to get married. Now." Lexaeus yanked Zexion up and kept a firm hold on him. "Marry us pastor!"

Riku: AND WUB! TRUUUUU WUB! Will fowwow you...fowevar!
Zexion: *twisted grimace*
Kairi: It could always be worse: This could be like Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, where the Sheriff tries to marry Maid Marian.

The pastor took a step back, "Y-Yes u-uhm...Do you, Lexaeus Edwa--"

Kairi: ...Lexaeus Edward?
Sora: SURPRISE! Lexaeus is also a sparklepire!

"I do he does, tada! We're married!" Lexaeus said.

Axel: Damn, this is easier than a Vegas wedding.

"U-Uhm...you may kiss--"

"Stop!" Axel yelled,

Sora: IN THE NAAAAAAME OF LOVE!
Riku: Before you break my heeeeeart!

wiggling out from under the two guards.

Sora: And now we're gonna have some hilarious head-over-heels escapade in three, two--

Lexaeus frowned and reached in his coat pocket, pulling out a small revolver.

Sora: --WAIT GEEZ WHAT WAIT WHAT
Riku: Well that's one way to cut out the competition for your mail-order preggo bride.
Kairi: So should I be donning Kevlar next time I go to a wedding?
Axel: No see, he was gonna cut the cake with that.

He aimed it at Axel and glared, narrowing his eyes. Zexion looked up and gasped, eyes going wide.

Riku: Little did they know that one of the remnants had switched Lexaeus's gun with a water pistol!

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. Without thinking Zexion ran to Axel, jumping into the redhead's arms. Thankfully for Axel, Zexion was faster than the bullet that protruded from Lexaeus' gun.

Zexion: *rubbing temples* Please don't tell me I just took a bullet for that dim-witted stalker.
Sora: Suddenly this is The Matrix: Romancevelations!
Riku: Nah, Keanu Reeves is a WAY better actor.
Kairi: ...Am I the only one unsettled by the description of a bullet "protruding" from a gun?

Zexion is shot! Axel calls for paramedics!

Axel rolled his eyes, running outside with Zexion still in his arms. The ambulance arrived quickly and took Zexion.

Kairi: The return of Ratchet!

Thankfully they let the redhead join the ride. He held Zexion's hand and watched as the doctors immediately began to work on him.

Sora: Uh-oh, it's fic doctors, Zexion's doomed.
Riku: I thought ambulances had paramedics.
Axel: They're also usually non-sentient, so I don't see how this is anything to get worked up about.

Zexion was slipping in and out of being conscious and unconscious. He weakly squeezed Axel's hand every so often to let him know he was still there.

Zexion: Actually I'm trying to break his metatarsals for being such a damn bastard.

Axel held his hand tightly and kissed it, over and over and over again. He let himself cry, he loved Zexion to death

Sora: Literally!
Zexion: Only if we're fortunate enough.

and to see him injured...it was too much.

Demyx, Xigbar and Xemnas run in wearing ridiculous outfits!

Axel opened his mouth to speak, but a doctor exited the room, "You can seen him now, but be very quiet," she whispered.

Sora: We're hunting Zexwions. Heheheheheeeehh!

Axel nodded and hastily moved inside of the room, looking at his slate haired lover. "Zexion," he breathed softly.

Axel: *as himself* I'm not footing your hospital bill.

"Zex-" Demyx was about to burst in and yell to his best friend about how worried he was and so on and so on, but Xigbar and Xemnas pulled him out of the room, placing their tan hands over his creamy lips.

Riku: ...All they're doing is visiting a friend in the hospital and yet it's still written like someone's being raped!
Sora: That, or they're having brunch.

He thrashed and glared, but they pulled him into the waiting room, closing the door so Axel and Zexion could be alone.

Zexion's eyes softly opened and he gave a weak smile, "Axel," he said, attempting to sit up.

Sora: But thwarted by the full-body cast!

Axel made him get back down, "Shh, shh, keep laying down," he whispered. "You need to relax."

Kairi: Also need to keep as still and quiet as possible so Axel can get in some action without the nurses catching on.

"The baby...he's okay," Zexion smiled, putting a hand on his stomach.

Riku: Not that that's surprising, since we still don't know where Zexion was shot.
Sora: What? Seriously? This baby got drugged to death and half its lifeblood leeched out and it's fine?! I call foul!
Zexion: But see, as soon as that baby's born, we're gonna put him in a Skinner Box.

Axel smiled and put his hand on Zexion's, "I'm glad. I love you so much," he whispered, leaning down to kiss the other's pale lips.

Riku: This part of the fic sponsored by Hallmark's.

Zexion smiled brightly, "I missed you so much...I love you. Now...we can get married and have our small family," he said, closing his eyes.

Zexion: *as himself* We have no money, no job, no future and our baby will be born with numerous neurological defects! It's sooooo romantic!
Riku: And why the hell couldn't we just do this before?
Kairi: Great, they're going to adopt Demyx and Xigbar as half-cousins or something, too.

"And we can live happily ever after, just like in a fairy tale," he said softly.

Sora: Fractured fairy tale, maybe.
Axel: *as himself* We haven't resolved ANY of the conflicts set up in the last 18 chapters! HOORAY US!
Riku: And what about Lexaeus, and his family? I mean, are they just gonna let this lie?
Kairi: No, but they will let it 'lay.'

Axel nodded, tears slipping down his cheeks, "Yes...you're my little princess," he laughed softly.

Sora: Of heart?
Zexion: Of uterass, more likely.
Axel: Now I can dress you up as a Polly Pocket, just like Lexaeus, only I'm in LOOOOVE with you!

"I love you," he said again. "I love you, I love you, I love you." It seemed Axel couldn't get enough of saying that word. "I love you."

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Kairi: Until Zexion went into labor!

THE END.

Sora: And so, the chincilla finished off the fic, confident he had written the perfect story about underaged pregnant male strippers surrounded by rapists!
Kairi: Suddenly, the author walked into the room after they got their sandwich! *as the author* Chinchilly, what do you think you're doing?!
Riku: *as the chinchilla* I'm finishing your story for you!
Kairi: *as the author* What?! But that's! ...Oh well, it's already posted, I'm sure no one will care as long as they get together at the end!
Zexion: For the love of darkness, that was unnaturally painful. If I never see this place again it'll be too soon. *he warps out*
Axel: Psh. Wuss.
Zexion: *from the darkness* I heard that!

Okay, we CAN'T think of a wittier title than 'He's In Love With A Stripper' - (PART FIVE)

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 06:40:03 GMT

Right on the hells of that emo, we've got another three chapters for you! This will be our second to last post for this fic, so we're nearly there!

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

"I was thinking we could do beige for the napkins, and pale blue for the table cloths. What do you think Zexion?"

Axel: *as Zexion* I think we should do BLACK for the napkins and BLACK for the cloths and BLACK for the dresses like the BLACK BLACKNESS of my soul!
Zexion: Ha ha, you're hilarious.

Lexaeus asked, looking over the pamphlet full of color choices for their wedding.

Kairi: *as Lexaeus* Think we should go more for "awkward periwinkle" or "uncomfortable eggshell?"
Riku: Go with mauvette.

He nudged Zexion back into reality ever so gently.

"Oh...yeah...sounds lovely," Zexion said softly, small hands smoothing out his shirt.

Sora: WOOOOULDN'T IT BE LUVVERLY?

Lexaeus looked down at the boy, "You seem...disturbed," he noted out loud.

Riku: As if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

Zexion's not that interested. He decides on a...red wedding dress?

He gently ran his fingers along the fabric and gave a soft smile. "They're beautiful," he whispered.

Sora: The mice and birds worked on them day and night!
Axel: You've got it all wrong Zexion, you put on that red light when you're NOT getting married!

Zexion gently picked one of them up, examining it carefully. He felt a pair of strong arms slowly wrap around his body. Suddenly there was a harsh breathing against his ear.

Riku: It's the Hulk!

"Just like you," the burnt-auburn haired man

Sora: ...This is getting ridiculous!
Zexion: Getting?

whispered, licking the shell of the mauve haired boy's ear.

Axel: Zexion's got the tastiest earwax in town.

Zexion shuddered and felt Lexaeus' hand explore his body.

Axel: Fountain of Youth's gotta be there somewhere!

His sides, his chest, the inside of his thigh. Silver eyes turned downward as he hugged the dress tighter, letting out a school

Sora: SCHOOOOOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!
Riku: SCHOOOOOOOL'S OUT FOREVER!

as Lexaeus' fingers entered somewhere that was off limits for a while.

Kairi: Here comes another fine and cease-and-desist!
Sora: If it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, then this is probably equivalent to chasing a black cat under a ladder and then smashing into a mirror.
Zexion: It really WOULD explain so much.

"Lexaeus..." Zexion whispered softly moving Lexaeus' hand away.

Lexaeus turned Zexion around, pinning him against the table the dresses had been displayed on.

Axel: Lexaeus better hurry if he's gonna get his rape in before the post-marital rapes start!
Kairi: So just what are the dress-carrying servants doing in the meanwhile?

Zexion squeaked and turned his head to the side, only to have the crook of his neck attacked with nips and kisses.

Riku: FIRE THE KISS TORPEDOES AND THE NIP MISSILES!

"St-Stop!" Zexion squeaked. "Please stop!"

"Mm, play hard to get. I like it,"

Sora: *as author* Oh crap, I accidentally made Lexaeus more sympathetic than every other character combined! There is but one way to fix that: RAPE!

Zexion tells Lexaeus that he's pregnant!

Lexaeus smiled and he gently placed a hand on Zexion's stomach, "He's gonna be beautiful," he whispered happily.

Kairi: Wait...Zexion said they haven't had sex yet. Did Lexaeus somehow forget this fact, too?!
Axel: *as Lexaeus* Immaculate conception, and it's all because of me! I'm so proud!

Zexion nodded, "Yeah...beautiful..."

Zexion: Beautiful like a Red Asphalt film, maybe. </font>

Lexaeus' hands rested on Zexion's hips and he stared lovingly into the other's dull, almost lifeless seeming eyes.

Axel: What, is Zexion one of those pregnant barbies?

"You're gonna look gorgeous!" Namine squealed.

All: *JUMP!!*
Sora: GEEZ when did Namine get suckered into this?!
Riku: At least she's not stripper?
Kairi: *sighs* No, just reprising her role of secondhand yaoi fangirl, as always.

She was one of the maid's in Lexaeus' mansion and also the creative director for their wedding.

Zexion: Because she's an artist, ha ha see it's amusing.

She watched Zexion twirl in his dress, wearing the same red dress he had been holding only days before when Lexaeus had put the 'moves' on him.

Zexion: And suddenly it's days later, too?
Kairi: It's like an 80s montage in fic form.

Namine adjusted some loose stitches and made some slight improvements

Sora: Wow, the author of the story knows less about sewing than I do. And all I know is "Make it blue!"

then moved back and looked at him, nodding her head. "The dress REALLY contrasts your hair!" she giggled.

Axel: The ugliness of the baboon-ass red dress contrasts nicely with the ugliness of your dead-whale blue hair!

Zexion is tired, and he's also showing by this point! ...Okay?

There had been no sign of Cloud, luckily, and he was happy that he, especially for his body's sake, could get some well-deserved rest. He closed his eyes and snuggled under the covers, falling into an unbreakable sleep.

Sora: One that can only be broken by TRUE LOVE'S KISS!
Riku: Damn, he's gonna be sleeping for a while.

"Zexionnn Zexion, wake up."

Kairi: Honey, you're gonna be late for school!

Zexion didn't open his eyes. He knew who was trying to wake him up, he knew who needed him so badly at this moment, he knew who was there, planning to do awful things to him.

Zexion: The author?

He knew it was Cloud, and that's why his eyes remained closed.

It was only when a sharp pain hit the entire side of his face that Zexion opened his eyes. He gaped and held his cheek, staring wide eyed at Cloud.

Riku: How dare Cloud, stealing Cecil's schtick!

"Oh good, you're awake," was all the abusive blonde had to say.

Sora: *as Cloud* Just wanted to come in and wake you up to tell you that. I'm off to drive the limo around the block a few times, bye!
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF ABUSE LATER

Chapter fourteen! Zexion has suffered that several hours of abuse.

As he turned a corner he saw Lexaeus. He sniffed and fell into hte older man's arms, closing his eyes and finding solace in the other's large body.

Sora: I don't know about you, Zexion, but I've never found any solace in Large Bodies.
Zexion: I have always had a soft spot for Bouncywilds, actually.

Lexaeus smiled, picking Zexion up.

Sora: *as Lexaeus* I will love him and squeeze him and call him George!
Kairi: Is there a count for these...pickups? There should be.

He held the boy and nuzzled him, not really finding anything wrong with him.

Riku: Sounds more like he's checking a plushie for ripped seams than anything.
Axel: *shudders violently*

"Tonight my parents are coming over for dinner, they wanted to meet you," he smiled.

Riku: I can't WAIT to see what poor saps they rope in to be his parents.
Sora: My munny's on Luxord aaaand...let's say Aerith!
Riku: All right, you're on.

"And my dad is paying for the entire wedding!

Kairi: But it's the bride's family who pays!
Axel: First the clicking heels, now this. I never thought I'd wonder about Lexaeus's gender identity.

That means we can get whatever we want," he laughed. "By the bye, what do you want specifically for the wedding?" he asked.

Zexion: I would request a shred or two of my dignity, but I'm certain they're out of stock for that.

Zexion asks if they can fire Cloud! Lexaeus laughs off this idea.

They were back in front of the boy's room and Zexion was a little reluctant with going back inside.

Axel: *as Zexion, mimes tugging on an adult's pants leg* Daddy come with me there's a monster in the closet!
All: *squick*

He shook his head softly and entered anyway, looking around carefully.

Axel: Never know when a rapist might just spring out of your toy box!

He sighed in relief when there was no sign of anyone else and he slowly undressed himself, getting into his bathtub to get the sickening dirty feeling off of himself.

Sora: I predict either Fatal Attraction or Psycho, whichever comes creepiest.

He turned the warm water on and sank into it, sighing softly. "Mmm, so nice," he whispered, closing his eyes.

"Hey, do you mind if I join you?"

Axel: Should've checked TWICE for the rapists, Zexion!

Zexion smiled and made another 'mm' sound, lost in the comforting sensation of the warm water.

Riku: It reminds him of being in the womb, I guess?

He focused as the voice asked the same question. His eyes widened when he realized it was none other than Axel's voice.

Axel: --JESUS Berserker Christ!
Zexion: The hell, were you hiding in the toilet or something?
Riku: If it's not one rapist it's another, I guess.

"Axel!" he squealed looking to the side where the voice had come from.

He frowned when he saw there was no one there. It was just his imagination.

Sora: ...Somehow this is even creepier.

He sat up and rested his arms on the edge of the porcelain tub, his head resting on his pale arms.

Kairi: One.

He started letting out soft sobs.

Kairi: Two.
Riku: Run free, little sobs! Free as the wind!

He wanted Axel so badly.

Kairi: Three.

He wanted Axel to hold him again, to kiss him tenderly like he had done before.

Kairi: Four.
Zexion: I'm constantly being held by someone, I don't understand why fic-me is being so picky.

He wanted the man back in his life.

Kairi: Five.
Sora: What are you counting?
Kairi: Consecutive sentences beginning with the same word.
Riku: Just because Thomas Jefferson could work it doesn't mean EVERYONE can!

Zexion is wearing VERY silly hair.

the bottom was ruffled and it looked like it was barely long enough to cover his lower regions. His legs were embraced by white tights and he had on shiny black dress shoes. Around his neck was a white ribbon. On the ribbon was a shiny golden bell that rang quietly with every step Zexion took.

Kairi: Forget 80s flower girl, he's dressed like a playboy bunny!
Sora: What parents are going to find this classy?
Axel: They will if his dad is Hugh Hefner.

Zexion was almost afraid to look up, he didn't know who Lexaeus' parents were. He wondered what they were like, if they were nice or just grouchy old rich stiffs.

Sora: Ten munny on grouchy old rich stiffs.
Riku: THAT bet I'm not taking.

He frowned and softly exhaled through his nose, still not chancing a glance to them.

Axel: *as Lexaeus's mom* Why honey, she's just as friendly as you told us she would be!

He only dared to look when they reached the bottom of the stairs where Lexaeus and his parents were. Zexion hadn't noticed, maybe because it was so quiet, but it was more than just Lexaeus and his parents. There were at the very least thirteen people.

Zexion: Oh God, it's all of his parents' harems and their extended families' harems, too!

This made Zexion more uneasy and he got butterflies in his stomach.

Axel: Gonna be awful squished with the assbaby already in there.
Zexion: If I'm lucky, the butterflies will do in the little neonatal parasite.

If it had been just Lexaeus' parents then it would have been easier, but now they were talking about the entire family. What if he couldn't please them? Then what would happen?

Axel: You will proud to know that I was about to make a joke of Caligulan proportions involving an orgy and depraved notions of "pleasing" people, but I have refrained on the grounds that it'd be too much for your delicate pubescent ears.
Sora: Why, Axel, I'm--
Axel: *turns and shakes fist at projector room* ALL RIGHT YOU TEA DRINKING SADIST, AM I GOOD ENOUGH? HAVE I EARNED A BREAK YET?!

Lexaeus took Zexion from Cloud and put an arm around him, "Zexion these are my parents," he said, pointing to a male and female. "My mom, Aeris-"

Sora: *fist pump* YES, one down!
Riku: *grumbles* It's spelled differently.

She smiled softly and hugged Zexion.

"And my dad, Vincent.

Sora: *snaps fingers* Aw, didn't get the second.
Riku: Fine, you get half. *gives him five munny*

My grandma and grandpa, Yuffie and Cid. My auntie Olette, her husband Hayner and my cousins.

Sora: Buh wait that what WHAT?!
Kairi: Man, of all the people in this fic to feel sorry for, I suddenly feel sorry for Olette the most.
Cid: *yells from the projection booth* THAT NINJA AIN'T MY TYPE!
Riku: ...Isn't she too young for you, too?
Cid: THAT'S IMPLIED!

The triplets Loz, Kadaj, and Yazoo," Lexaeus smiled.

Zexion: If I had a heart to feel with, even I would feel sorry for that girl pushing those monsters out of her vagina all at once.

The boys are enormous brats to Zexion, shoot him with darts and kick him in the shins!

The family gave small chuckles, "What adorable boys," they said, referring to the little devils that had just taken a liking to harassing Zexion.

Sora: This is why communities like cf_hardcore exist!

Zexion exhaled and breathed deeply, regaining his composure. "It's alright, Zexion," he said under his breath. "It's just one night."

Riku: *as Lexaeus* By the way, all the guest rooms are full so they'll be staying in your room.
Sora: And you'll be sharing a bed with them since the sheets are being washed.
Kairi: And they like to drink a 2-liter bottle of soda each right before bed.
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF BEDWETTING LATER

Chapter 15, and Zexion's eating dinner with the family!

Everyone was, in fact, staring at him.

Kairi: We see you, Zexion.
Sora: Isn't that a nice dress, Zexion?
Riku: We know where you sleep, Zexion.
Zexion: Stop that.

He wondered why and he even opened his mouth a bit to ask why, but then closed it again and fiddled nervously with his fork. He looked down and took a small leaf of his salad. He chanced another look up and made a small noise of concern. Had he done something wrong?

Kairi: You used the dessert fork for your salad, you moron!

"U-Uhm..."

A loud clearing of Cid's throat stopped Zexion in his tracks.

Cid: *clears throat from projector room*
Zexion: I refuse.

He froze like a deer in headlights and gaped slightly.

"So Zexion. Where do you work?"

Sora: In a button factory!
Riku: One day, his boss came to him, and said...
Kairi: "Hey Zexion, are you pregnant?"
Zexion: NO.

Zexion gaped a bit more then stopped and put his fork down. He looked down and opened his mouth, though no words came out.

Sora: *mimes Zexion with open mouth* DUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Oh no, what should he say?!

"Go ahead, honey," Lexaeus urged him encouragingly.

"I uhm...I was a..." he paused and regained his composure, "I was a dancer."

Riku: For the Chippendales!
Sora: Hey, leave Chip and Dale out of this!

Zexion's porcelain-white face suddenly turned a bright red as the room grew even quieter.

Axel: Like a traffic light.
Sora: Why are they assuming exotic dance? Why do they always assume that?

The blush traveled a bit down his neck a bit and to the tips of his ears. He watched as everyone seemed to freeze in place.

Kairi: Is he having an orgasm, or is he just embarrassed?
Riku: Could easily be both.

"Dancer?" Cid asked, raising an eyebrow.

Riku: *as Zexion* Well I was going to say "Creative Performance Art, Assisted By Cylindrical Tools" but that was shorter.

"It means he's a whore grandpa!" Kadaj yelled.

"Yeah! Means he's a dirty gold digging whore!" Loz agreed.

Zexion: Dancing equals whoring? Are these kids being raised Baptist?

"He sleeps around which means that he probably has Syphilis and AIDS!" Yazoo snorted.

Axel: *waves arms* EVERYBODY OUT OF THE POOL!

Olette gave a small laugh and she sighed, trying to catch her breath some. "Kids, what're you gonna do?" she smiled, ruffling Kadaj's silver hair.

Riku: *slaps knee* Kids say the abusivest things!
Sora: *folds arms* Somehow the person I'm most offended for in this is Olette.

Everyone else at the table laughed too, babbling on about how 'kids are so adorable'.

Kairi: It's strange. This fic sounds like a childfree anthem, but then, there's the issue of the mpreg...
Axel: Well, think about it: Exactly what kind of...thing would that little troll over there spawn?
Zexion: Something similar to what you would, no doubt.

Zexion excuses himself and goes off to bawl.

He layed on the ground and curled into a fetal position, clutching his head. The tears stained his cheeks, but he didn't mind. The more he cried the paler his face grew, but it didn't matter to him.

Kairi: What, are the tears leaching all the blood from his face?
Axel: Tears of blood do seem appropriate here.

His existence was nothing to no one. He was just a tool, just there because he had a nice body.

Axel: DING DING DING DING we have a winner!

He stood up and wiped his eyes, staring at himself in the mirror, "You. Are. A. Whore." This is what he iterated to his reflection,

Kairi: This dialogue ordered from the Redundancy Department of Redundancy.

pressing his finger against the mirror roughly.

Cloud comes in to confirm this fact and starts getting fresh!

"Get a whore," Zexion muttered.

Sora: ...Wow, I think Zexion just grew a spine!
Riku: Won't last. They never do.

"I have a whore, my very own, special whore," Cloud breathed against Zexion's earlobe before biting it and tugging lightly.

Sora: MIKE TYSON, NO!
Kairi: Honestly, since when have ears ever been that appetizing?

Zexion's impatience was growing, "Let go!" he growled.

Sora: The spine's lasted a whole three sentences!
Axel: He's going for a new world record!

Cloud pressed more against him, Zexion's tiny waist getting sandwiched against the white sink. He let out a small squeak and frowned, trying to wiggle out of Cloud's tight grip. "Please...let me go..."

Riku: What'd I tell you?
Sora: That was a full five sentences, though.

Cloud pressed even harder against him, as if it were Zexion's punishment for speaking out of place. "You are my whore, my very own whore," Cloud whispered.

Axel: *sings* You are my whoreshiiiiiine, my only whoreshiiiiine, you make me happyyyyyy when skies are greeeeeey!

Zexion closed his eyes tightly, gritting his teeth in an angry fashion.

Kairi: As opposed to gritting his teeth in a delighted fashion.

Cloud sticks his hands in Zexion's underwear and stuff.

Cloud's other hand was still circling Zexion's lips. The boy parted his lips and opened his mouth ever so slightly. Cloud grinned and watched the reflection of Zexion, pleased with his actions.

Sora: I'm losing track of where Cloud's hands are, here.
Axel: He could've morphed into a tentacle monster while we weren't looking!
Zexion: Thank you so much for that mental image.

"So, you've decided to please me?" he inquired.

Sora: There's a Beatles song for this.
Riku: There's a Beatles song for everything.

Zexion was completely still, his heart racing. In one swift motion he grabbed Cloud's wrist, biting down on the other's hand.

Sora: *fistpump* All RIGHT, the spine came back with a vengeance!
Axel: Don't bite the hand that rapes you!

He felt his teeth break the creamy flesh of the blonde and now he was the one who looked smug with himself. He tasted blood filling his mouth and it was possibly the sweetest taste he had ever tasted. (That's a lot of tastes!)

Kairi: ...Aaaaaand it gets completely ruined by the author thinking they're so clever.
Axel: Great, just great: Now he's going to metamorphosize into Mighty Emo and kill everyone with a pickaxe and then rape them.
Sora, Riku, and Kairi: *just stare*

Cloud let out a loud scream, "Ow! you little fucker, you fucking bit me!"

Zexion: Actually, evidence points to him now transforming into a werewhore.
Kairi: Oh look, more redundancy.
Sora: ...That's an interesting phrase when you think about it.

he screamed, tearing his hand from Zexion's mouth. "That hurt! Ah!"

Axel: *as Cloud* I'm going to need stitches! And band-aids! Ahh, it burns, it freezes! Ouch! Such pain, I'm suffering it!
Zexion: Yes, now shut it.

he fell to his knees and cradled his bleeding hand.

"Don't fuck with me," Zexion snarled, opening the door. He sighed and slammed it as hard as he could, then returned to the dining table.

Kairi: This commotion going completely unheard, and I'll lay twenty munny on no one caring about the teartracks and blood on his face.
Sora: But this chapter almost has a happy ending! He got to use a spine for a whole few paragraphs and everything!
Axel: Enjoy it while it lasts.

The final parts will come later this week!

Okay, we CAN'T think of a wittier title than 'He's In Love With A Stripper' - (PART FOUR)

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:59:58 GMT

Not much to say, just that here's another three chapters for your reading pleasure. Watch out for excessive emo and suicide attempts!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

Axel suddenly flips his shit!

Axel's expression had changed from carefree and exuberant to pale with horror.

"Zexion! It's Two in the morning!"

Sora: Random capitalization makes everything more serious!
Kairi: Two! Two hours after midnight! AH AH AH!

Axel yelled, shaking the bluenette violently.

Axel: *as himself* My favorite porno is on!
Kairi: ..."Bluenette?"
Sora: I guess it's better than saying mauvette.

Zexion blinked, "Sooo?" he drawled a bit angrily. Why was Axel overreacting at the time? It was just time...

Riku: How do you drawl angrily? Without sounding like Wild Bill Hickock?
Zexion: It's only every precious second of your life being wasted on this.
Kairi: Time is not on our side.

"Zexion! You need to be there in the morning. Or Lexaeus. Will. Eat. ME!"

Axel: ...Yeah, I could buy that.

he yelled worriedly, nervously biting his finger nails. "He'll know! He'll find out I've been kidnapping you at night!"

Sora: And taking him to the surface, too!

Axel continues to flip his shit, convinced that Lexaeus will kill him.

Axel sighed and held Zexion's hand worriedly, "He's gonna murder me...I'm gonna be dead by tomorrow," he muttered nervously, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

Zexion watched his antics, "Calm down," he said. "It's fine." He pecked Axel on the lips before leaving him at the gates, climbing over it most expertly.

Kairi: In an expensive stripper dress? I don't think so.

He trudged to where his window was and gave a confused blink as he noticed the ladder to his window was missing.

Sora: Must've magically transferred it back to his Trunk of Holding.

He rubbed his eyes and caught a glimpse of it rolling back out of his window. His heart sank to his foot; he was scared now.

Riku: ZEXION STARS IN: NIGHT OF THE LADDER 2: DON'T WALK UNDER IT
Kairi: But is it a step-ladder?

He shook his head and started up the ladder, entering his still lit room. He shook his head and figured he was just being paranoid.

Axel: Poltergeist ladders?
Riku: If only. That would make this fic so much cooler.

Letting out a scream and a jump he heard a knock at his door.

Sora: OPEN UP, LADDER POLICE!

"C-Come in-" was his shaky response.

Cloud entered the room, he was holding a tray with tea and some small snacks. "Hungry?" he asked.

Axel: *as Cloud* I thought I'd bring you up a nice hot cup of rape.

"Wh-why're you up this late?" Zexion asked.

Sora: *as Cloud* Cube movie marathon on the SciFi channel.

Zexion makes excuses!

Cloud laughed, "Well then, we should get you all better. Why aren't you even in your pajamas?" he asked.

Riku: Because I'm pretty sure he just sleeps in that maid outfit.

Zexion just gave a light shrug, taking a sip of tea.

Cloud flipped a few stray strands of blonde hair, waiting until Zexion set is tea cup down before sitting next to him on the bed.

Riku: Are they going to paint their nails and talk about boys?
Sora: Surprise attack comes in three, twoooo...

He abruptly pushed him down and smirked, his eyes narrowing evilly.

Sora: -NOW!

"Oh Zexion, you have a nice little dancer's body,"

Kairi: And all this time I thought he had a nice little candlestick-maker's body.

he grinned, bending to nip and suck at Zexion's neck.

Sora: Hold me closer, tiny dancer...
Zexion: Not THAT close!
Kairi: That's some talent to be grinning his dialogue while nipping and sucking.

"C-Cloud!" he yelled, attempting pushing the so obviously larger man off.

Sora: ...Cloud's not that big.
Riku: He is if you're a twelve-year-old ukeling.

"Oh calm down, nothing you've never experienced before. Stranger wants you, you let him take you. You're a whore, no matter what," he purred.

Kairi: So is the excuse for this rape scene gonna be a) he's wearing a short skirt, b) he secretly wants it anyways, or c) he deserved it for leaving him?
Riku: I'm going to go with d) all of the above.
Sora: ...It kinda sounds like he's getting raped by Lucifer the cat.

Cloud warns Zexion that he'll tattletale to Lexaeus!

"Wha-"

"I know," Cloud said. "About everything,"

Sora: But does HE know why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Axel: *as Zexion* You can't mean--! You know about the shoujo anime collection?!
Zexion: When did you--
All: ................
Axel: *shit-eating grin*
Zexion: I will end you. See if I don't.

he smirked and ran his finger down Zexion's stomach, tracing a little circle. "Everything," he laughed silently again.

Kairi: How exactly do you laugh silently?
Zexion: These damn literal impossibilities are pissing the hell out of me more than the rape!
Axel: Why, because it's like they're raping your Lexicon instead?
Zexion: .......*pets Lexicon protectively*

Zexion shook his head, "No! No! Please let me go!"

Riku: WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO
Kairi: BISMILLAH!

he cried, trying to wiggle away with no avail. "Stop, please stop!" Zexion cried, tears staining his porcelain cheeks.

Kairi: Look, a perfectly good opportunity for eyes to be described as sparkling jewels and the author missed it.

"Hmm, oh no no, little Zexion," Cloud smiled. "I'm not gonna let you go,"

All: *fateful pause*
Sora: *smiles, opens mouth*
Zexion: You WOULDN'T--
Sora: NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN, NEVER GONNA RUUUN AROUND AND HURT YOU!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGH

he said, playing with Zexion's nipples shamelessly.

Riku: Oh no, not his NIPPLES! Does the man have no shame?!

Zexion sobbed, "...Stop..."

Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF RAPE LATER

"What's...going on?"

The familiar redhead's voice was soft, disappointed and sad.

Axel: Wait, did I just walk in on the rape?
Riku: *as Axel* You mean I didn't get to rape him first? I'm so disappointed!

"Axel!" Zexion squeaked.

Sora: *as Zexion in squeaky voice* He moved my cheese!
Kairi: Wait--if Axel's so terrified that Lexaeus is going to catch him, then why is he even here now?

He tried pushing Cloud off, but Cloud was pressed firmly against him.

Zexion: What, is Cloud suddenly a cadaver?
Axel: Well history's shown us you would get off on that...
Zexion: *punch*

He watched the redhead step through the window,

Riku: Through a standard-sized window? *wince*

using the stepladder that had yet to be pulled back up.

Sora: He needs to start letting go of his narrow-minded cultural assumptions.

Cloud smirked and licked Zexion's bare chest, "Who're you? Trespassing on private property."

Axel: Even trespassers randomly showing up in the middle of the night aren't going to stop this horny bastard from his butlery duty of licking little boy nipple!

Axel narrowed his eyes, "Who're you? Trespassing on /my/ private property?" he asked,

Sora: Since when has Zexion ever been privately owned, much less by Axel?
Zexion: *twitch* I notice you're not challenging the "property" assertion.

letting out a loud, audible growl.

Sora and Riku: CATFIIIIIIIGHT!

Cloud just laughs evilly!

"He belongs to me now. A whore's a whore.

Axel: A whorse is a whorse, of chorse of chorse!
Kairi: Wait, so basically he's public property? Belongs to the collective?
Sora: Cloud's a COMMUNIST!

They move on from boredom eventually," Cloud chortled.

Riku: Or to clients with more money.
Kairi: Which is precisely what Zexion did in the first place.

Zexion better tell Axel he hates him, or else!

Zexion shook his head lightly, eyes still wide as he stared at Axel disbelievingly. Axel stared back at him, trying to read the boy's eyes, yet he seemed so confused still.

Sora: Who knew Zexion's eyes were written by James Joyce?

Zexion felt tears threaten his eyes, but he couldn't let them show.

Riku: *as Zexion's tears* Okay eyes, give us the money or your eyelashes get it!

He cleared his throat and swallowed softly.

"Zexion..." Axel whispered, reaching out towards him and taking a step forward.

Sora: *hums 'My Heart Will Go On'*

"Stay back!" Zexion yelled, pulling back from the redhead.

Riku: Anyone else getting uncomfortable parallels to Zexion's canon death scene?

He held his hands to his chest and felt his heart tear into a million pieces. The look on Axel's face was heart-wrenching.

Axel: *as the author* Don't worry, audience, I'll tell you exactly how you're supposed to feel without bothering to make you care why! It'll be easier for both of us!
Zexion: Hallmark get-well cards are less generic than this.

Zexion tells Axel to hit the road, Jack!

"Yes. It is, go away. I hate you...I hate you...I...hate you," he whispered, the tears trying to spill over his eyes.

Axel: In DEATH DEFYING WAVES! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sora: *whispers to Riku* I think he's permanently broken.

"He's right..." Axel said in more than a whisper.

Kairi: *as author* But in a speaking voice? A yelling voice? A singing voice? I'M NOT TELLING!

"Once a whore--" he had to choke this out quite obviously. "--always a whore."

Kairi: Axel, I'd just like to point out now that penguins are more committed life partners than you.
Riku: Now it kinda feels like we're watching a telenovela.

He turned away before turning back towards the two, "I forgot to give this to you earlier...It's because...I loved you."

Zexion: Bet it's his left ear.

Zexion blinked and caught a necklace that Axel had thrown at him. It was a bright gold chain with a tiny gold cage at the end. In the cage was a bright red heart the jingled around on contact with the cold gold metal.

Kairi: Nothing says "undying love" like symbols of possession and enslavement!
Sora: At least it's not my necklace.
Zexion: *as the author* Actually it's just I was intending to write this in earlier and totally forgot.

Cloud is suddenly bored by Zexion's iifelessness, and leaves him to be a pile of mush.

Zexion made a small noise, signaling he understood, and curled under the covers, covering his eyes and crying softly to himself as he was left in the cold dark room.

Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF BAWLING LATER
Sora: Are you going to do that with every chapter?
Axel: I can damn well try, can't I?

Zexion stopped thrashing his room as the sound of shoes clicking against marble became audible.

Sora: Wow, that's pretty violent snuffling and crying.
Axel: It's his rape and he'll cry if he wants to!

The mauve haired boy wiped his tears and sniffed, calming down so his voice would sound normal. There was a hasty knock at he door and some nervous shifting.

"...Zexion?" It was Lexaeus' voice so Zexion calmed down a fraction.

Kairi: Wait--it's Lexaeus's shoes, and they're clicking?
Riku: Hunh. Never pegged him for a transvestite.

"Yes?" he asked calmly from the other side.

"I heard a crash...are you alright?"

Riku: *as Lexaeus* But I didn't hear anyone scaling the walls, yelling, throwing things or raping people. Highly selective hearing, you understand.

"Uhm...I didn't hear a crash, but I'm still feeling sick, so I'll be resting in my room."

Sora: Lexaeus is not alone in his selective hearing!

Lexaeus leaves and Zexion launches into full emo mode!

"I just want to kill myself and die..." Zexion got up and looked around, finding a nice--expensive--vase.

Zexion: Oh boy, here we go.
Sora: What, he's going to drown himself in the vase?!
Axel: A toilet bowl would be much more appropriate.

In the vase there were a few anemone and daffodils.

Sora: Maybe he's deathly allergic!
Riku: With fronds like these, who needs anemones, eh, Axel?
Axel: *death glare*

"Why are you mocking me!?" he screamed, throwing the vase against the wall, watching it shatter into tiny pieces of glass.

Kairi: No, Zexion! You can learn a lot of things from the flowers!
Sora: *Especially* in the month of June!
Axel: *as the flowers* NEENER NEENER BOO BOO, WE'RE FLOWERS AND WE PHOTOSYNTHESIZE AND YOU DON'T, NEEEHHHHHHH!

The water and flowers spilled everywhere, barely visible on the white floor.

Zexion: I thought anemones were a red flower.
Riku: How'd you know that?
Zexion: Marluxia.

Zexion clutched his head and doubled over, screaming more. "I hate you! I hate you so much!" he sobbed, falling to his knees.

Axel: *as Zexion* THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU NEVER LOVED ME, FLOWERS! YOU JUST STOOD BY AND LET ME BE VIOLATED!
Zexion: Maybe this will swing back around to blaming Marluxia.

if you guessed cutting for Zexion's next trick, congrats, you win the Porche!

His eyes flickered cruelly and he took the glass holding it to his wrist. He slowly made a miniscule cut along the skin of his wrist

Axel: WRONG WAY! Cut perpendicular to that to kill yourself!

and his eyes lit up at the pleasurable feeling. He made the cut deeper, when he felt like it wasn't enough he made it deeper, and deeper.

Kairi: *Twelve-year-olds* would find this cliche.
Riku: Ten munny on absolutely no one else noticing these scars ever again except for Axel.
Sora: You're on.

After a few minutes of working on one slice he went to another part of his skin, already covered with blood from the cut made above it. He licked the area, getting it prepared.

Axel: Oh goddammit Zexion. Just watch, this is the first step to turning into Mighty Emo or something.
Zexion: ...You know, I never thought I'd say this, but that might be preferable.

He took the glass and jammed it into his skin, letting out a small squeak as tears blurred his vision.

Lapping up the blood...

It was then that Zexion realized the little flecks of white were in fact his small bone.

All: ...
Kairi: Flesh does not work that way!
Sora: He's got one of those little archeology kits!

He gave a manic smile then and equally, if not more, manic laugh. He held his wrist and laugh harder,

Riku: Hold that laugh, Zexion!

EMO EMO EMO EMO

He covered said ears, the noise becoming too much, he screamed more, finally gaining some of his voice back.

Riku: How does that--
Sora: It runs on Narrativium!

He was becoming a bit nervous when it looked as if the walls were moving in on him, ready to crush him at any time.

Axel: Then what the hell are they waiting for? Get to it!

He screamed until his throat just wouldn't let him anymore.

Riku: *as Zexion's throat* Got a permit for this?
Sora: *as Zexion* Um....no?
Riku: *as Zexion's throat* Then that'll be a fifty-munny fine and a cease-and-desist.

It was agonizingly painful, watching as people poked and prodded at you, touching your most tender areas to find the 'problem' when it was so obvious why he had been screaming.

Sora: Woah, wait what? Did we just jump-cut to the hospital or something?
Riku: Maybe the walls are trying to molest him, too.
Axel: While the flowers stand by, TURNING A BLIND EYE.

He closed his eyes slowly, drawling out nonsense. He opened one eye when a large cold hand tried at prying his open.

Zexion: Prying his what open, exactly?

He made a small noise in protest, not wanting to release the small article in his fist. His aching body thrashed, "No!" he yelled hoarsely.

Axel: *as Zexion* You'll take my suicide vase pieces when you pry it from my cold, dead....wait a minute.

Zexion's holding on to something...

Unfortunately, Zexion's body was working against him and his hand released its death-grip.

Axel: He's going to blame this on the Daffodil Conspiracy, too!

Lexaeus, shoved the necklace into his pocket for safe keeping and he placed his hand with Zexion's, lacing their fingers gingerly.

Sora: Now Gus and Jaq are going to have to sneak into Lexaeus's pocket to get it out!

"It's okay," he whispered to his 'lover'.

Zexion shook his head, "No..." he whimpered. Soon he was brought to an ambulance that placed a clear mask on his face.

Kairi: The...ambulance put the mask on his face?
Riku: So now we have anthropomorphic ambulances.
Sora: ...This fic suddenly just got so much cooler.
Zexion: It certainly explains that limo thing.

Against his will he fell into a deep sleep, regretting now more than ever that he had left Axel to be with Lexaeus.

Kairi: Wait, I thought what happened was that Axel became a factor after Zexion went with Lexaeus, meaning what should be more logical is that Zexion regrets having an affair.
Axel: Silly Kairi, that would be sensible!

Zexion's long black eyelashes fluttered open and he looked around absently, not noticing the gigantic man beside him.

Sora: Andre the Giant?!
Axel: He has a posse, you know.

That gigantic man is Lexaeus, by the way.

Lexaeus reached over and ruffled his hair, "It's okay...you shouldn't blame yourself," he whispered, leaning over to kiss Zexion's temple.

Axel: Blame Canada!
Riku: It's the home base of the Daffodil Conspiracy, after all.

Zexion blinked.

"I would've...done that too, under your circumstances," Lexaeus smiled softly.

Axel: Remember kids: suicide is always a viable option!
Zexion: Isn't that ironic, coming from you.

"Circum...stances?" Zexion asked quietly, looking forward. He let his bangs fall forward, curtaining his face from view.

Riku: So just like all the time.
Sora: His hair is nothing *but* bangs!

"What the redheaded bimbo did to you," Lexaeus growled softly.

Sora: Jessica Rabbit, nooooo!

Lexaeus offers to off Axel, but Zexion says no!

"Whatever he did to me...it's fine...don't go making rash decisions," Zexion explained quietly, hugging himself tenderly.

Zexion: Certainly don't go doing rash things like throwing vases and attempting suicide with broken pottery.

Lexaeus leaned over to cradle the smaller boy, "I love you," he whispered.

"...yeah," was Zexion's only reply.

Sora: *singing* She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Look out for three more chapters in the coming week!

Okay, we CAN'T think of a wittier title than 'He's In Love With A Stripper' - (PART THREE)

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:34:09 GMT

And here's another three chapters of this nutty story! Also, we'd like to offer a bit of clarification, since it seems readers are assuming the default: the author of this story is actually male.

With that knowledge, onward we go!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

The night had been one of the best of Zexion's life.

Axel: Second only to that one time with the cotton candy and the horsewhip and three jars of peanuts. Shit was epic.

He got to see his old friends, meet some new regulars at the club

Zexion: By this point they've recruited Kairi and Namine, I'd imagine.
Axel: No they haven't. Too much vagina.
Riku: Yeah, Zexion's got that covered already.

and most of all he got to spend time with his Axel.

Sora: *helpfully* And his wheel, too!

His ginger headed emerald eyed flame thrower.

All: ...
Axel: Oh. Fu--
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Zexion tells Demyx that he thinks he's pregnant!

No time for repeats! We have to get to the store...I'm scared Demyx! I'm so scared!" Zexion sniffed, hugging the other boy lightly.

Sora: Quick! To the bat-pharmacy!
Riku: Maybe he's having Bella's baby and it's going to eat her from the inside-out.
Kairi: *squick*

Demyx grabbed his hand. "It's okay Zexy w-we'll get a test and it'll show you you aren't pregnant!"

Axel: Yep, instead of the little blue lines it'll read "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME"

They zoom out to the store!

"Get twenty!" Zexion demanded.

Kairi: ...Is he going to average them all out and assume he has 4/5ths of a fetus?
Sora: HE'LL HAVE BABIES! SO MANY BABIES!
Riku: TWENTY BABIES!
Axel: Bet he just wants to shove them all up his ass at once.

Demyx blinked in confusion. "Just do it! One of them has to be right!" he said.

Zexion: The other 19 are adjusted for inflation.
Riku: What is this, are the pregnancy tests on a jury?
Sora: TWELVE ANGRY BLUE LINES.

Demyx quickly obeyed and put a handful in the basket. They ran to the front desk and waited impatiently.

Sora: If this were a chick flick, they'd get into some hilarious, witty misunderstanding with the cashier about now.

"Hurry hurry!" Demyx yelled.

"It's an emergency!" Zexion cried.

Sora: If his pregnancy drops below 55mph, he'll explode!

The cashier kept her same slow pace. "Wait, Demyx! Go get like..ten Monsters!" Zexion said, pointing to the back.

Kairi: *as Demyx* Zexion, this is no time for sidequests!
Zexion: So my plan is to poison the fetus via energy drink? That sounds about right.
Riku: Dang, he really IS going to have twenty babies.
Sora: THEY'LL RUN AS FAST AS KENYANS!

Demyx nodded and scurried to the drinks, getting fifteen just in case.

Axel: I think we've discovered the reason why Zexion has no penis now.

"Will you boys be able to pay for this?" the woman asked, raising a thin eyebrow.

Zexion: Oh, we're paying for it. Believe me.
Sora: You don't want HIS munny, he's gonna pull it out of his panties!

"Ugh! Yes! Just hurry!" Zexion yelled.

Riku: So basically being pregnant is just like "Die Hard."
Kairi: Maybe he's on The Amazing Race all of a sudden.

"That'll be-" Zexion looked at the price, it was well over one hundred dollars. He didn't feel like getting out the change because he was in such a rush so he pulled out two hundred dollar bills and set them down.

Sora: Not out of his PANTIES!
Zexion: I warned you to stop discussing my underwear.
Axel: Relax, he can just chalk this up to a work expense.

Zexion dashes home and tries all the tests! The results are...

They both looked at all the rest, "They're all...positive..." Zexion said.

Zexion: ..............*opens Lexicon and--*
Axel: *snatch* If I have to suffer, so do you.
Sora: Here I was expecting at least one TRY AGAIN LATER.

"That means I'm pregnant! O-Oh...oh my god!" he cried, hugging Demyx.

Kairi: I wonder what BS'd scientific explanation they're going to give for this one?
Riku: Zexion will be his own male fertility doctor!

It's not Lexaeus's baby! We just know this.

Demyx nodded to show Zexion he understood. "Well...hmm...are you...gonna get rid of it?" he asked softly.

Axel: When he can just have seven or eight more and then have the state pay for them because he's jobless? Hell no!
Riku: There go the red states.
Kairi: He could at least start by getting rid of the ellipses.

Zexion shook his head, "Dear god no! I could never kill someone as defenseless as that..." he whispered.

Kairi: Way to completely gloss over a serious and wracking question that plagues women every day for the sake of YAY BABIES SO CUTE!

Demyx nodded again and held him close, "Well...I'll help you get through it! All of it!" he said.

Axel: *as Demyx* Until the paparazzi and the scientists and the talk show hosts starts showing up! Then you're on your own.

"Hey Dem...have you ever felt like someone is just using you for sex...because your cute and not because they love you?" he asked.

Kairi: He's talking about fangirls, right?
Sora: Oh, for THAT, all the time.
Riku: Every day of my life.
Axel: GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Demyx rose an eyebrow, "Zexion...look were we work," he laughed.

Zexion: Oh, they're talking about this pole-dancing crap, or something.

He really believed Lexaeus didn't love him...only liked him because he was cute, but Axel saw beyond that.

Kairi: So. Let me get this straight. Lexaeus, who has NEVER EVEN LAID EYES ON ZEXION before buying him, loves him only for his looks. But Axel, who stalks him and comes in frequently to stuff munny into his panties and does nothing but stare at him for hours on end, loves him for his brains and charming personality?
Sora: Blueberry pancakes. There, I'm done.

Zexion knew this because every time he looked in the red head's eyes the red head looked back with loving emerald eyes taht said Axel wanted to spend the rest of his days with Zexion.

Kairi: They have so little personality they've relegated their EYES to expositing now.
Riku: I've seen flannelgraphs with more engaging romance.

He sighed at the thought, maybe it was only a fairy tale after all...to be with the one you truly love.

Zexion: Oh this mess is a fairy tale all right.
Sora: *as Zexion* I'm WISHING! ...I'm WISHING! For the one Iiiiii love!
Riku: *hits him*
Sora: Hey!
Riku: Sorry. It was for your own good.
Sora: ...I guess that's fair.

Zexion re-entered the club with Demyx. He sighed and plopped into a maroon-brown chair; he was soon bombarded by men asking him questions such as:

Sora: How is a raven like a writer's desk?

"Where have you been!?"

and

"How could you leave me!?"

Sora: And
Riku: What the hell is that stain!?
Sora: And
Kairi: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!?

They didn't dare touch Zexion, however, still fearful of Saix who was watching from a fairly good distance; a glare occupying his face.

Axel: *as Saix* Damn divas making me do my job!
Sora: This isn't a strip club, it's visiting a modern art museum!

The customers beg Zexion to dance for them! His replacement is getting all the attention!

"R...Replace...replaceme...nt...?" Zexion seemed to struggle getting the word out. Could he have actually been replaced?

Axel: This is Kingdom Hearts. Pretty possibly-underage boys are a dime a dozen.

Zexion gave Demyx a long hard stare, his eyes large in disbelief. No one and he meant NO ONE could steal his job as number one!

Sora: I thought that was Xemnas.

Demyx frowned, "Yeah..." he said. "Some kid named Mar something or the other...

All: .....
Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Zexion: I would love to see Number Eleven's reaction to being on the same level as Sora.
Sora: Hey!

his parents kicked him out so he lives here now, and works of course.

Kairi: You know what's really awkward? With all these parents kicking their kids out of their homes, you have to imagine that at least one of them has stopped by this strip club only to discover little Johnny shimmying around in lace undies.
All: ...
Kairi: I'm just saying!

He's popular because he's a slut! ...Wait.

Demyx looked around then back at Zexion who was still waiting for an answer from Axel. Zexion's eyes shot open and averted towards Marluxia's station.

Kairi: ...Eyes don't work that way!
Sora: Now he sounds like one of those black cat clocks.

Not only was Axel there, but Xigbar as well as literally the rest of the customers were there too.

Sora: And Auntie Em, and Scarecrow, and Lion, and all of you were there too!
Riku: Now remember class: Lexaeus doesn't love him. Axel does.

The other dancers were just as confused as Zexion was; they all watched angrily.

Riku: Sluts? In MY whorehouse?!
Sora: It's more likely than you think!

When Zexion got all of the attention it was alright, but something about Marluxia made everyone of the dancers angry.

Sora: *as a dancer* He's not the protagonist! CRUCIFY HIM!

"Oh no he di'n't!" Demyx growled, spotting Xigbar gawking at Marluxia.

Riku: He's staring at him! This means he desires sexual intercourse RIGHT NOW!
Zexion: Well, in this sort of universe...
Kairi: The train wreck in your panties is so huge.
Axel: CATFIGHT! Zexion, hold his earrings for him!
Zexion: What--?

The dancers all ran to Zexion and pulled at him, "Zexion! Do Something!" they cried, grouping up around him and pulling his clothes.

Riku: Which does not incur Saix's wrath becaaaaaause...?
Axel: He's dancing and making us money, for the love of DARKNESS we can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Zexion finally agrees to dance for them!

"Yay!" Every dancer was dancing around happily, and acting a bit giddy.

Zexion: Are we suddenly at the Renaissance Festival or something?
Axel: THE PRODIGAL DANCER HAS RETURNED!
Sora: We shall kill the fattened calf!

They were happy to see one of Zexion's awe inducing performances.

Kairi: It'll be inducing something, I'm sure.

Demyx smiled and ran to his room, getting his sitar.

Axel: Wow, the ONE time Demyx actually has a sitar in fic, and he's not here to enjoy it.

He strummed and a slow song began to fill the air, perfect for setting the mood.

Zexion: ...This person has never heard sitar music before, have they.
Riku: Maybe this place doubles as a hookah bar.

The yells and begs for attention the men were giving to Marluxia ceased and everyone stopped to look at Demyx.

Axel: *as man* Dude, there's ketchup on your shirt.
Kairi: Dance-off!
Sora: Pfff, I can beat both these guys while underwater!

Demyx is a nervous wreck with stage fright who announces Zexion's triumphant return!

Kairi: *sings* Ya had plenty money nineteen...twenty-two...
Axel: Do you have any idea how many people I've been bribing to get that movie in the games? For that exact same scene?

A single beam of light shined down at the pole on the stage, and the short beauty stepped forward from behind the curtains.

Sora: SIMBA, YOU MUST TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE CIRCLE OF DANCE.
Axel: *as Zexion* And I never do ANYthing nice...and...EASY!

Zexion had changed into a maid's outfit.

Kairi: When has he ever changed out of it?
Axel: I can't tell what fetish this fic reeks of most.

It was a dark purple with light purple frills and bows. It was short and hardly covered the little purple panties hidden underneath.

Riku: What, do these panties have little grapes on them?
Zexion: *pinches bridge of nose*

He hugged the pole tenderly and waltzed around it in a slow suspenseful fashion.

Kairi: Dancing doesn't work that way, either!
Sora: Nor does hugging, I think.

The boy bent over and licked his fingers seductively ,

Sora: This striptease is brought to you by Kentucky Fried Chicken.

SEXEEEEH

and wrapped both legs around the pole, purposely letting his dress (which was more of a shirt than anything) fall to reveal his porcelain thighs and tightening panties.

Sora: Ten munny says the only pole dance this author has seen was Esmeralda in Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Riku: Nah, she did it well.
All: ...
Riku: ...Just sayin'.

When he looked over he saw his redheaded lover. He gave a sensual smile, which only received a worried frown.

Kairi: If he's upside-down, how can he tell?

Zexion got down from his upside down position and danced around the pole some more. He stopped and picked up the microphone, "Thank you everyone!" he giggled, receiving saddened voices that didn't want him to stop. "Please enjoy our other talented dancers!" he smiled brightly.

Sora: *as Zexion* Thank you for your order, would you like some beer nuts with that?

He watched happily as the customers visited the many other stations then he slowly made his way towards Axel.

"Are you alright?" he asked worriedly.

Axel: ...
Zexion: Well are you?
Kairi: I guess this is supposed to be a cliffhanger or something.
Sora: Always leave 'em guessing! Or laughing. Something like that.

Next chapter! Axel observes Zexion from every angle!

Zexion blinked, "Oh...I'm sorry...did you not want me to perform?" he frowned softly.

Axel: Exactly. I never ever want to see you poledance again.
Zexion: Oddly, I agree.

Axel blinked and snapped back into reality,

Sora: *as Axel* OH GOD IT'S A MAN AND HE'S PREGNANT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT

"No no! I love your performances...it's just-" he paused and rubbed the back of his head, "I don't want you to hurt the baby...going upside down like that...I was just worried for him...or her."

Riku: Or it. Or them.
Kairi: Because pregnant women are fragile little balls of glass that will smash into a thousand pieces if you so much as breathe on them wrong. Of course.
Zexion: Don't you see, all the fluids drain out of a baby's body when you tip it over.

he lightly rubbed Zexion's belly and smiled softly.

"I...how'd you know!?" Zexion gasped.

Axel chuckled, "I'm your lover. A lover has got to know."

Sora: Very rare gene, passed down in the family. Can detect when anyone in a--oh, wait, we've used that joke.
Kairi: There's that pregnancydar again.
Riku: He's put tiny tracking devices on every single one of his sperm.

The small dancer rose an eyebrow and put his hand on his hips, "I don't believe that, it's not scientifically possible for you to just 'know' at this early in my pregnancy," he protested, crossing his arms.

Kairi: But it IS romantically possible, and that's all that matters.
Zexion: Well, many other things are not scientifically possible here, yet we seem to be enduring them nonetheless.

Or actually Axel just overheard Demyx gossiping about it or something.

the red head giggled, poking Zexion in the belly once again.

Axel: BEEP.
Zexion: Stop that.

Zexion squeaked and smiled,

Kairi: There's that mouse-ion again.

leaning up to kiss Axel gingerly. "I love you so much!" he said.

Axel nodded in agreement

Axel: *nods* Yup, I love me, too.

and held Zexion's hands, pulling him into his lap as he sat in one of the club's chairs. "You're so beautiful," he whispered into the boy's mauve coloured hair.

Axel: The most beautiful ball-jointed doll a creepy mouthbreather could ask for!
Kairi: ...Mauve? It's not mauve, it's...it's...um...
Riku: Kinda silver, maybe, with blue undertones and a...a...hm.
Sora: I always got this vaguely steel-and-periwinkle kinda impression.
Axel: Oily.
Zexion: *punch*

"I love you so much, and you are my beautiful sparkling diamond," he cooed, caressing Zexion's back.

Axel: Literally. I plan to exhibit him at nine months in a freakshow. *hums 'We're In The Money'*

Zexion gave a small laugh, "And you are my big red-headed lion," he purred, gently pulling one of Axel's spikes.

Sora: That's an insult to lions!
Riku: I always thought he was more of a moomba.
Kairi: If we jump into a Twilight rip-off here, I'm leaving.

Their mouths met in a fit of heated kisses. They purred against each other's lips and explored each other's mouths. Zexion wrapped his arms around Axel's neck, letting small squeaks rest low in his throat.

Kairi: Is this like that screaming through clenched teeth again?
Sora: He's making out with a fruit bat!

Om nom making out...

"Sorry...I'm...hehe, I'm sorry!" Zexion laughed. "You were...you were g-growling!" he snorted,

Axel: And you were squeaking. I believe the award of Least Embarrassing Animal Noises goes to me, thank you.

flinging his head back as he went into another fit of laughter. "Y-You sounded like a dog...growling! Pft...ahahahaha!" he giggled.

Axel watched him and frowned, "You have a weird sense of humor," he muttered.

Axel: He does, you know. Ask him about the time with Saix and Lexicon and the magic paper dolls.
Zexion: *smiiiiiiles, strokes Lexicon*

"Grrr," Zexion said, snapping at Axel like a playful puppy. "Grrrowl!" he snorted.

Kairi: Bet you he's one of those nippy little Pomeranians.

Axel watched him and a smile played on his lip. He let out a small laugh, "You are so weird," he said.

Axel: *best Jeremy Irons impression* You have no idea.
Zexion: So...was there a point to this chapter?
Riku: Plenty of fuel for the furries to draw you as little naked puppies and kitties licking each others' crotches, I'd say.
Zexion: ...
Sora: And pregnancydar!

Expect more to come later!

Okay, we CAN'T think of a wittier title than 'He's In Love With A Stripper' - (PART TWO)

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:27:48 GMT

We're back, with three more chapters! Ready for the mpreg? Apparently the characters aren't, but they ARE ready for nuzzling.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

Zexion's deep blue eyes slowly opened. He sat up and looked around, Axel's side of the bed had been neatly made already.

Riku: Maid service in the house of the rising sun?
Kairi: I'd buy that before I'd buy Axel actually making a bed.

He laughed softly and sat up, silently pulling his knees to his chest. He looked down at the covers that covered him to his chest and shook his head, letting out another small laugh.

Axel: Oh, those silly stalker types!

Zexion cuddles up with his teddy!

"Demyx...if you're gonna come in after I've been with a client, wait until I get dressed first..." Zexion mumbled.

Sora: I don't know, I think the birthday suit is LESS embarrassing than half the stuff Zexion ends up wearing.

Demyx laughed and jumped on the side next to him, "Noo!" he whined. "I can't stand someone else touching my Zexy-poo!"

Axel: *points* It's really been the Semes all along! I KNEW IT.
Sora: This takes place in Castle Midnight Moonraven McGee!

Zexion rolled his eyes, and hugged him back. "You are so clingy!"

Riku: *as Zexion* I love that in a man!

Demyx and Zexion discuss some anecdote about Vexen and...Zack?

Demyx smiled and nodded, "Vexen was a great person, such a big loss too," he sighed. Zexion nodded in agreement.

Sora: Nooooo oooone sciences like Vexen!
Riku: Makes crazy monsters like Vexen!
Kairi: Is a mean nasty cranky crankpot like Vexen!
Zexion: Watch, he ended up in some creepy mansion where he had Marluxia force him to bathe in blood.
Axel: *shudder*

"Excuse me!" Xigbar yelled playfully. He grabbed Demyx by the side and picked him up bridal style. "I believe this belongs to me!" he huffed.

Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF SEX LATER
Sora: But the dancers are not for sale, I thought!
Riku: Well, except when they are.
Sora: True.

Zexion laughed and sat up, getting his shorts from the side of the bed and pulling them on.

Kairi: But wasn't he wearing briefs earlier?
Sora: No, I thought it was panties.
Zexion: Stop talking about my underwear.

Xigbar and Demyx snuggle or something.

He looked to the side to see Cloud, the guard from before.

Riku: Guard? I thought he was just a servant type guy.

With a frightened face, for reasons he did not know, he sprinted the opposite way to Xemnas' office.

Sora: *as Zexion* I just remembered, I didn't leave enough change in the meter BYE!

He curled up into the man's lap like a scared child and hugged him.

Riku: *as Xemnas* Dammit, Zexion, get out of my knitting!
Kairi: Zexion: Like the Rum Tum Tugger, in a way.

Xemnas blinked and pet his head, "What's wrong sweetie?" he asked, his eyes momentarily darting to the papers he had been working on.

Axel: *as Xemnas* Tell Big Daddy Xemnas allll about it and I'll draw you a bath and kiss your most special no-no areas to make it better!
All: *shudder*

After Zexion ran into the room they scattered all along the floor.

"Excuse me sir?" Cloud asked.

Riku: *as Cloud* Could I trouble you for a cup of pedophilia?

Zexion doesn't wanna go get married now!

Cloud walked over, hearing the last of what Xemnas had said. "There will be no need for that, the Master has already gotten Zexion an entire new wardrobe."

Sora: *as Torgo* There is NO NEED to FEAR, madam! The Master LIKES you! He LOVES beautiful women!
Kairi: Oh well that makes everything okay, then?

Zexion looked up, if there was one thing he loved it was clothes.

Kairi: ..................
Sora: I've seen Barbie dolls that were less shallow.

He smiled and followed Cloud to the main lobby. "What's his name?" Zexion asked. "I mean...I have a pretty good idea of what he looks like, ginger hair, earthy brown eyes...but I still haven't a clue what his name is."

Axel: OH BOY GUYS, HERE WE GO.
Riku: Wait wait wait--he knows who this...whoever it is, Daddy Warbucks or whatever...he knows what he looks like, but he's never before seen his "number one fan?"
Zexion: This entire fic is riding on nothing but collective selective information!

Enter Lexaeus!

"And there will be some rules if you're going to live at the mansion. One, no eating or drinking anywhere but the kitchen. Two, you'll do whatever the Master tells you to do. Three, clothes go in the hamper, not on the floor. Four-"

Sora: This isn't getting married, this is spending the summer at your great aunt's house!

"Cloud don't bother him with your silly rules," a deep voice chuckled softly.

Axel: Oh he says that now, but when his house is OVERFLOWING with dirty tarty clothes, he'll look back and regret it!

Zexion looked up and stared wide eyed for a moment, before returning to his natural calm look.

Axel: *takes red pen, crosses out "natural calm look," and writes in "natural smug scowl"* There, fixed that.

The man took a moment to examine Zexion, looking quite pleased with the boy's appearance.

Sora: Wait....why is he buying him if he's never seen him before?
Riku: He needs a Zexion to complete his Uke Harem, maybe? Like collecting baseball cards?

It appeared as if the large ginger man was taking mental notes of Zexion which made him feel a bit uneasy.

Riku: What, the fact that we seem to be suggesting that Zexion is twelve years old isn't uneasy enough?
Kairi: Actually I just kind of wish they'd stop calling Lexaeus "ginger."

"Lexaeus?" Zexion asked softly.

Sora: New rule guys: everyone has to whisper Lexaeus's name!
Riku: This fic is plenty creepy enough.

"At your service," Lexaeus smiled softly, lightly kissing Zexion's small porcelain hand.

Axel: It only looks porcelain! It's actually made of the bones of children!

Zexion smiled, this man seemed nice.

All: AT FIRST.

And so, Zexion heads off with Big Hubby Lexaeus! But in the next chapter...

"Zexion?" Lexaeus asked.

Zexion looked at him, "Yes?" he asked, smiling lightly.

Riku: *as Lexaeus* Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

"I'd like yo get to know you better," Lexaeus nodded, facing Zexion. Zexion looked at him and then down in thought.

Sora: Looked WAAAAY up to him.

"Well...I like to dance, obviously," he laughed lightly.

Sora: He likes to leave your friends behind!
Riku: And if your friends don't dance, and your friends don't dance...
Sora: Well then they're no friends of his!

"and I'm really good at cooking and baking, I love it!

Axel: *as Zexion* Same for housecleaning and blowjobs and not sticking up for myself and being a Pleasantville relic!

And well...it's kind of embarrassing to say, but my life's dream is to be an actor.

Riku: At least Joseph R. Francis will cast him.

That's why I started working at Xemnas' place cus we have these little...acts we put on. Like once me and Demyx-"

Axel: Starred in a remake of Good Will Humping?

Cloud is a rude little prick!

Cloud stuck his tongue out and turned upside down like a bored child.

Kairi: Turned upside down while driving? That can't be safe.
Sora: *as Cloud* Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Axel: *as Lexaeus* Cloud, sit down in your seat this instant or I swear, I'll turn this limo around!

He looked at Zexion and blushed slightly. He was able to see up the small opening of Zexion's shorts where a pair of pink girl's panties complete with strawberry decor were in view. He grinned like a kid in a candy shop and kept looking from behind his sunglasses.

Kairi: Oh hey, the small child comparison isn't being made to Zexion, for once.
Sora: ...What? Are they in a glass-bottom limo? See-through seats?
Axel: I'd like to call your attention to the fact that there is STILL NO CONFIRMATION of a penis.
Zexion: Then we crash into a telephone pole and all die, the end.

Zexion shifted uncomfortably, only making Cloud's view better. The small slate haired boy felt paranoia in the air, like he was being watched by someone unwanted.

Sora: Paranoia, paranoia, everyone's coming to get him!
Kairi: As opposed to...being secretly watched by someone wanted?
Zexion: This isn't a limo. We're driving a byplane or something.

Shrugging the thought away he looked at Lexaeus and began again. "Well...my entire life I've wanted to be an actor, and I did everything to try to pursue my dream!"

Axel: *as Zexion* Slept with all the directors I could find! Lessons? Who needs those!

he smiled softly. "But it's getting nowhere."

Zexion: Not true. I'd say it's in a handbasket, speeding along quite merrily to hell.

They discuss Zexion's acting "career."

Cloud was now sitting up, pouting angrily, just when he was starting to get turned on.

Sora: *as Cloud, extremely whiny* But daddy, IIIIIIII wanna get nuzzled!

Ah, well he thought, a malicious smile on his lips. I have my ways...

Sora: So....Cloud is evil, but the entire Organization is pure as the driven?

Zexion opened his eyes and looked at Cloud. Something about the man made him uneasy...and he seemed awfully close with Lexaeus.

Riku: Did we miss the scenes where Cloud was cuddling in Lexaeus's lap?
Axel: Threesome. Problem solved!

If Cloud was /that/ rude and wasn't fired yet. Maybe they have a close bond Zexion thought.

Kairi: Maybe he's got tenure.

"So...do you two know each other personally?" he asked, figuring that would get his answer.

Sora: Or in the Biblical sense?

"We're cousins," Cloud smiled, "Why?"

Sora: .....
Axel: Lot's daughters! Yup, it is Biblical!

They're awful close...

Lexaeus smiled at him then looked out the window, "We're here," he said softly, lifting Zexion up and pulling him into his lap.

Axel: Jesus Berserker Christ, he's just a ventriloquist dummy!
Riku: With how much the guy's getting picked up, he's probably got handles growing out of his back.
Sora: ...Am I the only one getting "parent-with-a-toddler" vibes here? I half expect the next line to be "Look, there's Grandpa at the barbecue!"

He lightly nibbled his ear, receiving a moan from the boy.

Sora: .....*squick*

"Come now," he said, helping Zexion out of the limo. "You say you want to be an actor?"

Zexion nodded, "More than anything in the entire world!"

Kairi: Then you gotta give the people what they want, or you'll wind up back in Kokomo...Nebraska!
Sora: They like it BIG!
Riku: They like it LOUD!
Kairi: Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes!

Lexaeus smiled, "After dinner we will meet my parents, my father is a director.

Axel: ...AWKWAAAARD.
Zexion: Convenience, thy name is Lexaeus.
Kairi: I'm not sure even nepotism will help him here.

I'll have him speak with you a little and then after we get married I promise you'll be an actor," he said softly, holding Zexion close to him in a hug.

Sora: He'll even build him a studio lot if he needs to!
Riku: Lexaeus thinks it would be FUN to own a newspaper.

Zexion smiled, "Really?!" he gasped happily, jumping up and down with joy.

Axel: *as Zexion, a la Anakin* YIPPIEE!
Zexion: ...Never do that again.

Cloud watched from behind, watching Zexion bounce like that was...it was too much.

Kairi: If he thinks this is bad, he should go watch some Dead Or Alive trailers.

"Excuse me Master," he bowed, leaving the room.

Zexion: He has to go for his daily jacking off.
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF SEX LATER

Zexion looked up at Lexaeus again, "Thank you so much!" he said softly. Axel would never have been able to do that...he knew this because Axel had told him he wasn't rich like Lexaeus.

Kairi: Convenient of him to avoid mentioning it until now.
Axel: Who needs to be rich when you're as good-looking and charming and clever as I am?

He said "I'm not rich with money...but I am rich with love."

All: ........
Axel: Oh don't even--
All but Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Axel: God DAMMIT, FIC.
All but Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Zexion made a mistake...he laughed it off. He realized, unfortunately the next day when it was too late, that love was not something you should laugh at.

All but Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Axel: This time I really AM going to kill every last one of you.

Lexaeus starts to get it on with Zexion...

"Wait!" Zexion yelled, trying to push Lexaeus off of him.

Lexaeus sat up and looked back at him, "Zexion, what's wrong?" he asked.

Kairi: ...Whoa, hey, the seme ISN'T going to rape the uke?
Riku: ...It's really sad how we're all surprised by that.

Zexion ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Lexaeus walked to the door worriedly.

Axel: Aww, poor uke just started his period.

"Z-Zexion?" he asked, knocking lightly on the door.

Kairi: *as Lexaeus* I've got some extra adverbs here if you want any.

Zexion was silent, only the sound of his whimpering was audible.

Kairi: Definitely period.
Zexion: *massages temples*

"I-I'm just... a little sick!" he yelled to him. He absentmindedly put a hand on his stomach, "Just a little sick..." he repeated, whispering to himself now.

Kairi: ...So is he getting morning sickness preemptively?
Sora: He just wants to beat the rush!
Zexion: I think there's plenty in this fic to be ill about without using pregnancy as an excuse.
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF PUKING LATER

Zexion came out of the bathroom. He rubbed his stomach and looked at Lexaeus, "I'll be sleeping in one of the guest rooms until I get better. I don't want you to get sick," he said softly.

Zexion: Oh come now, misery loves company.
Riku: So does giggling, it looks like.

Lexaeus nodded, "I understand," he said, kissing Zexion's forehead. "Now go and get ready for bed, I'll have Cloud bring you some tea," he smiled softly.

Axel: *as Lexaeus* Do you like your tea with one rape or two?

Zexion nodded and scurried off.

Riku: What, is he a mouse or something?
Sora: According to Ygallery, yes!

He sighed and hopped into his pajamas then layed in bed. He turned down the lights then took out his stuffed teddy that Vexen had given him.

Riku: Googley-snuggles is his only real friend.
Axel: He's just got his crack hidden in the teddy.
Sora: TEDDY RUXPIN, NO!

Thankfully it didn't bother Lexaeus for him to still keep it,

Riku: He is, after all, clearly a pseudo-pedophile.

he convinced Lexaeus Vexen was a father figure of sorts. He snuggled the teddy, "I love you Vexy," he sniffed softly.

All: .....
Axel: SEVERAL HOURS OF SEX LATER

Axel shows up at his window to serenade him! Or just bug him.

He rubbed his eyes and turned. Just a hallucination! he yelled in his head.

Kairi: *as Zexion* No one thinks stalking is like true love! I must be hallucinating!

When you turn around...it will be so he turned,

Riku: He spins him right round?
Sora: Like a record, baby, right round, round, round!

but unfortunately then grinning man was still waving like an idiot.

"Yo Zexy! Why'd you leave me?" the ginger yelled up.

Zexion: You mean besides the stalking, oggling, creepy demeanor and stuffing munny in...in various clothings?
Riku: But that's all to show how much he loves you.

"I waited for WEEKS for you to come back! And finally someone told me you were gone!"

Riku: Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we, Axel?
Sora: What were they telling him the rest of the time? That he'd gone to the store for milk?
Axel: I suppose that's ONE way of putting it...
Zexion: *punch*

"Shh!" Zexion screamed through gritted teeth.

Kairi: ...How...do you even...
Sora: Sounds like he's trying to do a dog whistle.

He looked around. "Hold on! I'll come down!" he whispered quite loudly.

Zexion: To your level, Axel.
Axel: Why thank--hey.

Looking around, Zexion tried to find something to lower himself down.

Riku: Zexunzel, Zexunzel, let down your silver locks!
Zexion: I wouldn't be adverse to this Axel getting blinded.

He looked in a large trunk and found an escape ladder in case of fires.

Sora: What is this, Mad-Eye Moody's trunk?
Kairi: Could be a Magical Trunk of Holding.

Zexion climbs on down and they nuzzle.

Axel slowly sat down then layed back and pulled Zexion on top of him.

Kairi: I could be wrong, but in the rosebushes just outside your fiance's mansion doesn't seem a really ideal place to get it on.

One of his hands slowly traveled up Zexion's tiny pajama shirt

Riku: Another sentence, another reminder of how pedotastic this whole thing is.

while the other worked it's way down his silky purple shorts. Zexion gasped slightly and his head went back as he let out a small moan.

Zexion: This fic is like the Oxygen Network version of sexuality.

Axel contentedly nudged Zexion and nipped at his neck, "I love you," he iterated.

Kairi: ...Iterated?
Zexion: At least it's not "purred."
Riku: Am I the only one who just got a vision of Axel as Sho Minamimoto there?

He was so drawn into Zexion right now,

Kairi:...That's an unusual synonym for penetration. I rather like it.
Riku: Too bad the author isn't talking about penetration.

he never wanted the moment to end. He felt somewhat depressed when he realized he was the one that had to stop the moment.

Sora: Remember, class! The penetrator is the one who makes the decisions during sex, including whether or not to stop!

He pulled his hands back and sat Zexion up. "Not here," he whispered softly against the boy's neck. Zexion moaned in discontent.

"Whhyyy?" Zexion's small voice groaned.

Axel: 'Cause we're lying in poison ivy!
Kairi: "LAYing", you mean.

Axel stood up and held him close, rocking him like a child.

Riku: At this point, I don't even think Axel is sexing a boy...he's making out with a ball-jointed doll.

"We're still in public, hun," he whispered with a small laugh.

Axel: I don't think Shan Yu would let that stop him.

He stroked Zexion's hair, "Let's go back with Demyx and the others, they said you haven't come to see them since you left for this stupid mansion..."

Sora: He's going to run away and join the whore house...that he ran away from in the first place.

he said, sounding a little upset. His emerald eyes met with Zexion's ocean blue ones then their lips met in another passionate kiss.

Kairi: It was just as boring as all the other ones.
Sora: Shouldn't his eyes be sapphire?

Zexion broke it and nodded, "Let's go...I miss them," he smiled.

Sora: *as Zexion* Also, I have all the brains that God gave a jellyfish.

Axel nodded and carried him off, nuzzling him every now and again.

Zexion: So in the space of six chapters we have accomplished a grand total of fuck-all nothing.
Riku: Not true! Several horny men have stared at your strawberry girl-panties.
Sora: And/or stuffed munny into them.
Zexion: ...

Unfortunately, Cloud sees them leaving! What dastardliness will occur next chapter?

There will be more chapters as we spork them!

Okay, we CAN'T think of a wittier title than 'He's In Love With A Stripper' - (PART ONE)

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 22:09:44 GMT

We're back again, with a nice long multichapter fic full of strippers, arranged marriages, tear-stained mascara and mpreg! Reading this fic was like being whacked repeatedly in the head with a large-mouth bass by a howler monkey in lederhosen screaming DOCTOR JONES, DOCTOR JONES, WAKE UP NOW.

We hope this sporking helps soften the sheer brutal beating of whatthefuckery.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

Our sporking opens in the selfsame theater. Sora, Riku and Kairi are seated in the front row, sorting through the snacks.
Sora: It has been awhile since we've been here, hasn't it?
Kairi: *flipping through the script* To be honest, I'm a little surprised that we're here for this one...
Riku: Why, what've we got now?
Axel suddenly warps into the theater
Axel: Whatever it is, if you kids are sporking it, it's got to be easier than that Nazi fic or the cannibalism...
Sora and Riku: .....
Kairi: Aaaactually, Axel...
Zexion warps in
Axel: And here I was expecting a Melodious Nocturne if anyone else was gonna show up! Alright Zexion, you better keep up with me at mocking these kids' sex lives!
Kairi: Axel, the pairing is Axel/Zexion.
Axel: ...
Zexion: ...
Riku: So how's that foot taste, Axel?

Oblivion's club for young gentlemen, more commonly known as a whore house.

Sora: ...Well that's a descriptive first sentence!
Kairi: Didn't even need a complete sentence.

A place where young gentlemen let out their sexual desires on the willing to give in return for money.

Axel: Did I read that right, or is it saying we can get paid to screw around?

Every young dancer had their own special talent and were all under the age of thirty.

Sora: Because old people are gross and wrinkly.
Riku: Helena does taxes, Martha belches the alphabet, Karen can walk on her hands...
Axel: Which one's the cunning linguist?

Some even appeared to be under the legal age.

All: ...
Riku: Ten munny says that they're the ~sexiest~ ones in this fic.
Zexion: If you've dragged me out here to participate in some poorly-written celebration of ephebophilia, you're all going to suffer.

The owner of the business was a man named Xemnas, the young dancers called him 'Superior' or 'Big daddy'.

Axel: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sora: If I had only known--this would have made a nice rejoinder to all that "Sora--can you really trust Riku?" crap.

The names resulted from his last year's birthday party when Demyx had given him a strip tease and called him daddy.

Riku: *as Demyx* It's big daddy's BIRTHDAY! I've got life in me, big daddy!
Sora: *croons* Happy biiiirthday, Mr. Superior...

Zexion is the most beautiful of all the pretty strippers!

There was one man, appearing to be the age of twenty five, that came to see Zexion every night. He looked to be Irish, with his intoxicating emerald orbs for eyes and spiked red hair.

Axel: HAHAHAHA--*laughter dies*
Zexion: I may be a pretty princess, but at least I'm not an Irish deep-sea fish.
Kairi: Twenty-five is skirting dangerously close to old and wrinkly.

The other clients often got jealous of all the special attention Axel got from The Cloaked Schemer (Zexion's dancer name)

Axel: *resumes laughing*
Riku: I can see how you can work clothing into a stripper name, but scheming?

and they made lewd remarks or tugged on Zexion's clothing.

Riku: In a whore house?! Perish the thought!
Kairi: Wonder what the sexual harassment policy is in this establishment.

They can't lose patrons, but Saix tosses out people all the time! ...what?

Xemnas had set up a poll to see who was the most gorgeous dancer (who he could make the most money off of) and it went Zexion, Demyx, and then in third Roxas.

Sora: You can't trust statistics!
Zexion: Poll? Where? Did they cold-call patrons? Post it on the website?
Riku: *mimes phone ringing* Hello ma'am, if you have a few minutes, we'd like you to take a survey on who your favorite underage male stripper is!

Of course he let the horny costumers decide because they would know best.

Axel: Horny costumers? Oh, the ones behind the cloak, yes?

Roxas was one of the under the legal age dancers. Same went for Sora and Riku.

Riku: ...
Sora: *head in armrest* I thought we'd get out scott-free on this one...
Kairi: *pats his shoulder* It's not like ephebophilia is the worst you've ever gotten?
Sora: ...That's a lot more of a comforting thought than it should be.

It was a surprise that no one had figured it out yet.

Zexion: And that will never be touched on again, I'm sure.
Axel: Silly Zexion, stop asking the author to have reasons for putting all their ukes in a little strippy row!
Riku: ....Wait, am I an uke?

Xemnas was just waiting for someone to come and arrest him but, even thought they had been there for a few years already,

Zexion: They're underaged now...and they've been there for a few years.
Axel: Yeah man, those men, they just get SO HORNY for eleven-year-old boys.
All: *uncomfortable squirm*

Xemnas was yet to become figured out.

Kairi: He was also yet to become proper tenses.

He couldn't deny a beautiful young boy a home when they have nowhere else to go, even if they were underaged.

Axel: *as Xemnas* Oh, you cute things! Here, have an apron and nothing else, and don't mind the "security cameras!" *winknudge*

"Zexion!" Demyx laughed.

Riku: *as Demyx* When the hell did we transition from exposition to dialogue?!

Poor exhausted Zexion!

Zexion nodded and whimpered, "Some of these guys are real weidos," he mumbled.

Sora: Wide-ohs? ...Weed-os?
Riku: Delicious Weed-Os: a cracktacular part of this illegal breakfast.

Demyx nodded, "I agree...but I haven't seen my favorite client recently," he said looking around the near empty club. They usually didn't get too much business in the middle of the day.

Kairi: ....Are strip clubs even open in the middle of the day?

All of the clients are usually gone until they put their wives to bed and get done with working. A lot of the client's wives had tried suing OCFYG, but failed terribly because it was still considered a business.

Sora: CURSE YOU, CAPITALISM!
Kairi: And as everyone knows, it's impossible to sue a business!
Riku: Especially a business engaging in illegal activities!
Zexion: Enron is green with envy.

(And most of the judges were regular customers and really big perverts)

Kairi: It's Senator Robert Packwood!
Axel: *as the author* Writing out any sort of dramatic conflict except concerning relationships: check!

Zexion got up and grunted something about bed. He began walked through a door that said 'Forbidden entrance'

Sora: Narnia?!
Kairi: Maybe it's flumes.

that's where everyone's rooms were, the rooms they stayed at when they weren't tending to a customer that is.

Axel: A live-in strip club? ....How much is the rent?

Saix comes in to whisper sweet nothings and give him a backrub!

"Yeah...these guys are brutal," Zexion sighed.

Axel: I bet he's referring to the dress-up-like-Big-Bird-and-swing-on-a-bondage-trapeze-over-a-tub-of-jello.
All: *stare*

He moaned softly as Saix got the biggest knot out of his back.

Sora: I think this author is confusing dancing and sex.
Axel: Like Baptists!

"Ha...that's nice. I love your massages, Saix." Zexion gave Saix a cheesy grin.

Saix laughed and finished, "There, all better sweet heart," he laughed kissing Zexion's temple. Zexion smiled and stretched then exited his room to get back to working.

Axel: *claps hands* Okay, 5 minutes are over, chop chop, back at the grind, you sex mule!
Kairi: I hope he remembered to wash his hands.

He sat next to Demyx and brought out a water bottle then took a drink from it. "Work.." he sighed.

Zexion: Booze. Work. Booze.
Riku: I bet he's not working for the weekend.

Demyx smiled from his client's lap. "I like working," he grinned.

Sora: I'm almost sure that should violate some kind of customer service policy.

His usual client was a well built man with a lot of scars and an eye patch.

Kairi: We're going to have Organization pairing bingo before this first chapter's even done!

He looked old but was really only in his thirties. (Demyx had asked)

Riku: Oh so old and wrinkly?
Kairi: And there goes another yaoi OTP! *check*

He seemed to be very fond of Demyx. They always hung around each other like good friends and you can see the jealousy in Xigbar's eyes when a costumer requested Demyx.

Sora: *as costumer* Wait, wait, I want to see how that one looks in the Ninja French Maid getup!
Zexion: For a strip club, this place is an awful big supporter of monogamy.

Zexion sighed as he watched them laugh and kiss and whisper things into each other's ears which resulted in more giggling.

Riku: This isn't Oblivion's Club for Young Gentlemen, this is the Polly Pocket Strip Club!
Kairi: Wait, is he in his thirties or thirteen?
Sora: For that matter, is he male?
Axel:...Wow, and here I thought Xigbar of all people would be safe from viewer gender confusion.

He looked down at his feet and mumbled some gibberish. There was nothing Zexion wanted more than someone he really loved.

Zexion: So fic-me needs to just find a used bookstore and pick up Lexicon already.
Kairi: ...Uh, Zexion...It says someone, not something.
Zexion: *strokes Lexicon's spine* Your point being?
Kairi: ..........

Demyx really loves Xigbar Xigbar really loves Demyx...Xemnas really loves Saix and Saix really loves Xemnas. He also knew Sora and Riku were having a little love affair on their days off and on their breaks.

Kairi: *holds up bingo card* BINGO!
Sora: *stares at card* Shoot, I just needed Marluxia/Vexen for a full row.
Axel: *as the author* Secure at least five extra reviews by tossing out popular pairings...check!

Boy did they have a libido.

Zexion: ...A collective libido?
Riku: It's the BORG Polly Pocket Strip Club!

There was a ring as a new costumer walked through the door.

Sora: Now it just sounds like a 7-Eleven.

Zexion rushed to the little booklet at the front desk. He smiled brightly, "Welcome sir!" he smiled.

Zexion: Full name, please, correct me on the spelling kindly, and don't ask why I'm writing "death by cassowary" next to it.

The man that entered was wearing a suit with a pinstripe tie and deep black sunglasses.

Kairi: It's not a zoot suit riot, it's just a zoot suit civil unrest.

He took a lollipop out of his pale lips and he exhaled deeply.

Axel: Oh man, if Demyx were here, he'd be belting out about six different songs right now.
Zexion: Then we should be grateful he isn't.

His breath was a mixture of steak and wine.

Axel: *helpfully* And cherry-watermelon!

Mr. Rich Man comes asking for one Zexion.

Zexion smiled and tilted his head to the side innocently. "I am him," he giggled. He swayed his hips back and forth ever so slightly to get his maid's dress to sway from side to side.

Axel: Zexion should never giggle, it's wicked unnerving and--WHOA HEY MAID DRESS WHEN WAS THIS

"Come on," the man said grabbing Zexion by the wrists.

Zexion's eyes widened and he let out a loud scream. "Saix! Help me! Rapist, molester! Help!" he yelled.

Sora: I...but...what? All he did was touch his wrist...
Kairi: Are they a no-touch strip club?--but, the sex and kissing and--*rubs temples*

Saix sprang out from the back rooms in only his boxers.

Sora: * as Saix* There's no need to fear, MASSAGE-MAN IS HERE!

He tackled the blonde man to the ground and held him back, but the blonde man was still attempting to get up. After much struggle Saix managed to get a paralyzing pressure point in the man's neck.

Riku: ...Is he a Vulcan, or...?
Zexion: That explains the pointed ears.

Xigbar also jumps in to protect poor widdle Zexion's innocent...something!

The blonde man struggled weakly, "M-My name is C-Cloud Strife!" he gasped.

Riku: You killed my father! Prepare to die!

"I-I am working u-under a client wh-who wishes to b-buy Zexion," he nearly whimpered.

Axel: *as Cloud* A-and I p-plan t-t-to go into p-public sp-speaking!

Xemnas slowly walked up, "My dancers aren't for sale," he nearly growled.

Sora: *as Xemnas* But they ARE for rent!

His dancers were not 'things' and he wasn't about to let some rich stiff come and treat them like possessions.

Axel: Yeah! That's HIS job, dammit!

Sora Riku and Roxas had all taken to a corner where they huddled together and coward in fear.

Kairi: All the commas got scared off, too.
Zexion: Oh terrific, the chapter's just started and already someone's coming to rape them.

They hated these weird perverts, but they came so often you'd think they'd be used to it.

Sora: *as himself* Oh mercy me, I do believe I have the ukepors!
Riku: ...The what?
Sora: Ukepors. Like...uke-vapors?
Zexion: And here I thought you were talking about some sort of STD.
Kairi: Wouldn't everyone who walked through those doors qualify as a "weird pervert?"

Zexion looked at his feet and bit his lip in thought. Xemnas was still yelling and lecturing the rich young servant man, telling him how his dancers were people not things and how they weren't for sale.

Sora: ...Rich young servant man?
Riku: That scans to "Secret Agent Man" remarkably well.

"I'll do it!" Zexion finally yelled over all of the commotion.

Sora: *as Zexion* I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR!

Everyone's heads turned to him and they all stared, blinking awkwardly.

"Wh-what?" Xemnas finally muttered. Everyone else was still speechless.

Riku: *as Zexion* ...Although, I do not know the way.
Axel: He sure passes as a hobbit.
Riku: I dunno, I'd go more with "goblin."

Zexion's eyes averted from his feet to everyone around him, "Yeah!" he said firmly. "I mean...this guy is rich and...and I could finally really help all of you guys!"

Zexion: So I'll help you all by serving my own material greed and leaving you all in the lurch? That sounds about right.

he yelled. "I...I just want to stop being so useless!"

"You aren't! You're our best dancer!" Demyx yelled.

Axel: *as Demyx* You can DANCE, Zexion; you can get out of here!
Zexion: ...Wait.

Zexion shook his head, "No...I'm not that good...I really don't want to be a dancer.

Riku: He wants to be.....a dentist!
Sora: *as Zexion* I never really wanted to be a dancer, anyways. I always wanted to be...A LUMBERJACK!

Screw love, Zexion wants to run off and marry wealthy!

Zexion clenched his fists, "I'm not gonna stay here and be some kind of whore the rest of my life!" he continued. "I'm sick and tired of people thinking I'm some kind of cheap...dolled up sex toy!"

Riku: He'll go somewhere else and be some kind of whore there for the rest of his life!

Everyone just stared; the same question running through all of their minds, why was Zexion acting so strange?

Kairi: There's something wrong when every OOC character in a fic thinks even Zexion is being OOC for his OOC-ness.

Xemnas' shoes broke the undeniably awkward silence as he approached the shaking slate haired boy.

Sora: *as Xemnas's shoe* Noooooo not the dip!

Xemnas' hand gently hovered above Zexion's shoulder, then fell back to his side.

Axel: *as Xemnas* No, later, laterrrr tonight...

"Zexion." Xemnas softened his voice so as not to scare Zexion. (Something he learned from a 'How to Comfort you New Pet' book)

Axel: *as Xemnas* I won't sell him, all of my dancers are HUMAN BEINGS that I treat exactly like animals!

Zexion looked up with a pout still graced across his face. Xemnas put his hands on the boy's shoulders, "Is this what you really want to do?"

Riku: No, I'd say what he REALLY wants to do is be a crabby little troll of a Nobody. Give him a bridge, it'd make him happy.
Zexion: *glare*

Zexion doesn't need Xemnas's permission to be some mail-order bride!

Xemnas sighed, "Just stay one more night to think it over, I beg of you!"

Sora: Hey Riku--ten munny on a middle-of-the-night escape?
Riku: You're on.

Zexion thought, "Fine...I'll stay one night.." he whispered.

Xemnas walked back over to Cloud. "Return tomorrow at this exact time, though it will be no use," he smirked.

Axel: *as Xemnas* Do something completely pointless, it amuses us!
Kairi: Isn't that just the entire fic?

Saix picked Cloud up roughly by the collar then through him out the door. Cloud landed on the concrete and could have sworn he broke something, but when he stood up he felt fine.

Sora: ...Magically healing concrete?
Riku: At least he's not bleeding all over the street like in that grease burgers fic.
Sora: *gag*

Nothing will stop our heroic mail-order stripper now!

Zexion shoved his clothes angrily into his large suitcase that was covered with frills, colors, and decorations.

All: *sporflesnort*
Zexion: You all laugh, but no one ever steals my luggage at the airport.

"It's not fair" he exclaimed. "Stupid Xemnas, making me feel guilty! I just wanted to help everyone!

Axel: *as Zexion* "And become obscenely wealthy via gold-digging, but details!"

And where does he get off acting like my father?!" Zexion yelled.

Sora: Who is he yelling at?
Kairi: The author, hopefully.

He sniffed and wiped tears from his eyes, "Stupid old man...it's not like I'll never see them again...seriously," he mumbled. He finished packing and layed back on his bed. I wonder if he'll buy me dresses...I wonder what he looks like," he mumbled softly.

Riku: And jewelry!
Sora: And candy!
Kairi: And a pony!

He yawned and suddenly felt extremely tired. He spread languidly on his bed and leered at a picture of him and Xemnas.

Sora: ...That is a disturbing image.

He tore it off the wall and tore it into little pieces, mumbling profanities to himself.

Kairi: Not too tired to enact petty childish revenge, looks like.

After a good time the small boy with the sheen layered slate hair had fallen asleep.

Riku: Any relation to the girl with kaleidoscope eyes?

His dreams consisted of his new home, a large mansion with hundreds of cars, and his closet was bigger than his room, filled with dresses and shoes and other gorgeous clothing.

Axel: It's Zexion's Malibu Dream House, by Mattel!
Sora: *as Zexion, singing* Don't care HOW, I want it NOOOOOOOOW!

It wasn't until hours later that an abrupt knocking awoke him from his slumber. He managed to pull himself from his luxurious, absolutely extravagant dream to open the door.

Riku: Zexion, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

"Yess?" he drawled out.

Xemnas smiled back at him, "No time for sleeping." He handed Zexion a key and placed a hand on his shoulder,

Sora: Ha! I win! Pay up!
Riku: Darn. *pays*

"You have a customer and he looks like he'd pay BIG bucks for /you," Xemnas smirked.

Axel: *as Xemnas* We're talking a whole fifty cents here, baby!

Zexion rose an eyebrow, "You mean my 'number one fan'?" he asked, using quotes to express his sarcastic enthusiasm.

Sora: *horrified* It's Annie Wilkes! She's gonna take a sledgehammer to his ankles!

They call him many other nasty names.

Zexion groaned and gripped the key tighter then went to go see his number one fan. He had never really met him, just knew this guy was pretty fond of him, always sticking large sums of money down his panties.

Sora: I...but...how...
Riku: Maybe he's into blindfolds?

He sighed, hoping this guy wasn't some kinky pervert. He began to walk to the room he had been stationed at. It was modeled after the Elephant Room from Moulin Rouge, large in size, very spacial and cushiony.

Axel: Yup, kinky pervert.
Kairi: Can't be bothered to make up your own setting? Just steal it from popular movies!
Sora: So why isn't this fic a musical again?

He opened the door and stared at the absolutely gorgeous redheaded creature that stood back faced to him and arms crossed like his time was precious.

Kairi: If his back is facing him, how does he know he's gorgeous?
Riku: Quirrel?

He turned and grinned a sly grin, his cheek tattoos slightly wrinkling.

"My name is A-X-E-L, got it memorized?"

Zexion: Obviously not, if I somehow can't recall this bastard shoving munny down my...I'm not even going to finish that.
Kairi: Wait, his name is pronounced Ayex-eel?
Sora: Dang Axel, get a refund on your cheek tattoos.
Axel: I'm sorry, I'm too busy boggling over how SO IN-CHARACTER I AM, what with including that overused catchphrase!

Zexion blinked and stared at him. It was his number one fan.

Sora: *flails* WATCH OUT FOR THE SLEDGEHAMMER!
Zexion: Stop whining, I'll just clock him in the head with a pewter pig.

More creepy pseudo-pedo conversation here.

Zexion nodded and smirked, "Xigbar, you know tall man with silver and black hair?"

"I know the one," Axel nodded.

Riku: In the Biblical sense?
Kairi: *examines bingo card* I dunno, that pairing doesn't actually have a square here.

"We call him Freeshooter. He used to be a cop and he was the top of his department. He shot several criminals.

Sora: That's what them there cops do, doncha know.
Kairi: Besides, he just loves German opera!

Saix, before he started working here, was called the Luna Diviner because when the moon's light hit him just right he looked absolutely beautiful!

Zexion: ...What the hell, is he made of mythril?

Oh and we even give them to our, very few, female customers.

Sora: There's females in this universe?! No way!
Axel: What do you call Zexion?
Zexion: *fwaps again*

Larxene, she hasn't been around lately,

Riku: Might have to write ICKY HET if she was, after all!

was called Savage Nymph. She is so beautiful she reminded us all of a...woodland creature...a fairy or something," he grinned.

Riku: Oh, he knows all about fairies all right.
Sora: He's just making this stuff up as he goes.

Axel's nicknames are ~~ass and hole~~ something or other. But he doesn't want him for sex, oh no...

Zexion sat up, "No sex? Break? Slave?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow. "Hm...I don't need a break, I rather like having sex.

Sora: I feel a strange force bubbling up inside me.
Riku: Like some strange voice is compelling you to rant about power dynamics, sexual politics, and other aspects that problematize prostitution under kyriarchy that you couldn't possibly know in character? Me too.
Axel: Mostly I'm just feeling bubbling contempt.

I know you want to have sex with me or you wouldn't come and watch me dance all the time, and Zexion is slave to no man!" he nodded defiantly.

All: .....
Kairi: So can anyone...figure out what he's trying to say here?
Sora: I'm just going to say "blueberry pancakes" and call it a day.

Axel ruffled his hair and laughed, "Of course small fry."

Zexion pouted and straddled him, "Are you even listening to me?" he growled.

Riku: *as Axel* Of course I am little man, now don't worry your pretty little head.

Axel laughed again, "You should only have sex with someone you love, if you don't then what's the point?" he asked.

Zexion: Says the creep who routinely stuffs munny into the...the panties of a small boy straddling a pole.

Zexion shrugged, "Pleasure?"

Sora: I was gonna say fic reviews.

"It's better when it's with someone you love," Axel shrugged back.

Kairi: What is with these monogamists visiting strip clubs all the time?

Zexion tilted his head to the side. "How would you know? Do you love someone? If so, then why do you come here?" he asked, putting his hands on Axel's chest and leaning close to him.

Zexion: These would all be VERY good questions if fic-me wasn't doing *that* in the meanwhile.

Axel grabbed his hands and looked at him, "I just know," he said. "I am in love with someone. I bet you'd never guess who it is," he grinned, pulling Zexion closer to him.

Riku: Is it Marluxia?
Axel: No!
Sora: Roxas?
Axel: No!
Kairi: Demyx?
Axel: No!
Zexion: Yourself?
Axel: Precisely!

Zexion layed on him and pretended to think, "I wonder," he said.

Sora: I WA-WA-WA-WA-WOOONDER!

"Is it me?" he asked.

Axel gasped, "How did you know?!"

Zexion laughed, "I'm actually smarter than I may seem," he said.

Riku: Then again, used kleenex is smarter than this Zexion seems.

"You know if you love me you should just have sex with me. It would make you happy.

Axel: Because of course that IS the end-all-be-all of love and happiness!

Let's get this makeout session underway!

Zexion nuzzled his chest and crawled down a little bit. He expertly undid Axel's pants, zipper button and all, with his mouth. Axel put his hands on Zexion's shoulders and pulled him up then began to kiss his neck.

Zexion: Are we having sex backwards?

Zexion let out a moan of pleasure and allowed himself to be flipped onto his back by Axel. Axel slowly pulled off Zexion's shorts and then his briefs.

Sora: Wait, I thought he wore panties?

Zexion wrapped his legs around Axel's waist and pulled him closer, moaning for attention.

Riku: *as Zexion, in a whiny voice* Me me me me, pay attention to meeeeee!

"My, my, fussy?" Axel grinned. He leaned down and kissed Zexion's stomach then moved up to his chest. He took one of Zexion's tiny nipples into his mouth and sucked hard.

Zexion moaned loudly and bucked his hips forward.

"Be patient," Axel scolded, stroking his hair.

Zexion moaned more. He wanted attention and he wanted it now damn it!

Sora: But he's getting plenty of it, isn't he?
Zexion: *sarcastiic* But unless it's directed at a cock, it doesn't count, silly Sora!
Axel: You know, they have yet to prove that Zexion actually has one.
Riku: We'll find out soon, though.

Axel sat Zexion up and and leaned down, "This will make you feel good," he smiled.

(Several hours of sex later)

Axel: AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Sora: Dangit, now we'll NEVER KNOW if he has one or not!
Riku: You mean all that buildup and we just kind of shove it off into some parentheses?!
Kairi: How is this a bad thing?
Riku: It's an M-rated fic, I'm just saying it's false advertising.
Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Zexion: Would you stop that already.
Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...*breathes* Oh sweet darkness, that was the best damn smut scene I've ever read!

Zexion layed on his stomach and panted heavily as Axel caressed his back. Axel looked down at Zexion and giggled. Zexion looked up and mumbled 'what?'

Riku: Ten munny on "Was it good for you, too?"
Sora: You're on!

Axel laughed again and leaned down to lick some cum from the corner of Zexion's mouth.

Kairi: Oh man, they're one of THOSE people.
Axel: The "om nom nom bodily fluids yay!" people?
Kairi: No, the "spell it with three letters yay!" people.

The schemer closed his eyes and yawned, then was soon joined by his number one fan.

"Axel?" Zexion asked.

"Yes?"

"Do you think a person like me is capable of love?"

All: NO!
Riku: ...Shoot. *pays Sora*
Sora: Yes! *pockets munny*
Kairi: Luck's not with you today, Riku.

Axel smiled and hugged him, "Of course!" he said, kissing his jaw. "You are so beautiful and kind! You deserve someone to love!"

Axel: Actually, he's more nasty and crabby and gremliny.
Kairi: So instead he deserves a book to love?
Axel: Exactly.
Zexion: *hugs Lexicon*

Zexion sighed, "Thanks..." he mumbled.

Axel snuggled him and pulled him even closer, "It's too bad I have to give you away," he sighed.

Riku: *as Zexion* I am no man's slave! Except yours. And Xemnas's. And some other guy's. Everyone's, really.

Zexion nodded in agreement, "I think I'm becoming fond of you..."

Sora; EVERYONE IS FOND OF AXELS
Riku: EXCEPT FOR ZEXIONS AND VEXENS
Kairi: AND THE NON-FANGIRLS

That's all for now. But never fear, brave readers...there will be more chapters of this mind-bending fic in the near future!

Hamtaro, NO!

Thu, 14 May 2009 21:53:10 GMT

Well, dear readers, in the big list of Fun Facts about Your Sporker Tegu, including the fact that she’s an excellent cook and lives within a mile of where HP Lovecraft is buried, you will find out that Marluxia is actually her favorite Kingdom Hearts character. Has been ever since Chain Of Memories came out on GBA. This is important to understanding the true horror of this fic:

It was the only piece of Marluxia porn on the internet for months.

Now, suffer as I have, you poor saps.

-------------------------

Title: Gerbil (From Adult Fanfiction.net, please be aware of age restrictions.)
Author: over_looked
Rating: Five Shadows. It wants the Ansem really bad, but let’s face it, it can only dream of being as bad as Kooshball or Snakes on a Sora.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia and Axel and ~~Hamtaro~~ gerbil makes three!
Full Species(es): Nobodies with AMAZING REGENERATIVE POWAHS, Meriones unguiculatus.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Red, pink, grey with a white underbelly.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Green, blue, black and beady.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Well, Marluxia ends up with one, but that would be spoiling.
Special Possessions (if any): Giant mirror, a series of tubes.

Origin: Bad urban legends.
Connections To Canon Characters: …I’m not sure. Supposedly are them, but. Whatever.
Special Abilities: Marluxia is regenerative and has AMAZING POWERS OF MINDFUCKERY.
Other Annoying Traits: Lulztastic prose.

I Say/Notes: Thank God it’s short.

Our sporking opens in the selfsame theater. Vexen is sitting in the front row, tapping his foot impatiently. After a moment, two portals of darkness open and Xigbar and Luxord enter the theater.
Luxord: My my, it has been awhile since I've seen this place.
Vexen: And here I was expecting Axel to show up. I'm not certain whether this is better or worse.
Xigbar: *cracks knuckles* We're not gonna have Sora tittyfucking some broad again, are we?
Vexen: ...Clearly this is worse.
Xigbar: Oh lighten up Dr. Mad Scientist, it's not like it can get any weirder than that!
Vexen: You really haven't been in this theater much, have you.
Luxord: I don't suppose anyone knows why there seem to be cardboard chips scattered about the floor, do they?

"Mm.. I have you now, don't I? Right where I want you, eh, Axel?"

Vexen: Jesse McCartney wrote this porn, it seems.

A muffled reply came at Marluxia's laughter, the sickening smell of hydrogen peroxide intermixed with ammonia filling his lungs with every deep breath, long locks of wet hair reacting wildly to the shaking of his head.

Luxord: ...I have no idea what just happened in that sentence.
Xigbar: Something about replies with hair and some idiot mixing hydrogen peroxide and ammonia. Not smart, right, Vexen?
Vexen: No, it's brilliant. Death is always preferable.

The room was well-lit with no apparent exits--one wall being entirely made up by a large mirror.

Luxord: And consider this dismaying observation: This chamber has no windows, and no doors. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!
All: AHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Axel and Marluxia are in some big room with mirrors, and there’s a description of Axel’s Amazing Ass.

"Oh, yes... how I've long for this, my dear little Axel."

Vexen: ...He said, pulling out the rubber gloves and speculum.
Luxord: Guess he's got the long but not the short of it.
Xigbar: Sounds like he's fucking a My Little Pony.

The adulation was lost on the red-headed one--it was something he had seen before. Nothing special.

Luxord: Oh, so that's why he's not at this sporking.
Vexen: So he's actually had his head up his own ass, then? Appropriate.

His mouth was forcibly closed, and he couldn't but mumble querulous replies.

Luxord: *in monotone voice* I wonder, Mr. Axel, what good is a phone call if you are unable to speak.
Xigbar: Butt mumble?
Vexen: *to himself* I can't believe he outranks me.

Marluxia laughed again, one hand smacking loudly against the right butt cheek leaving a red hand print as if to make his territory.

Xigbar: Heeey, that only happens in cartoons.
Vexen: *shudders with memories of The Blood Game*

That same hand snuck around the hip, fingers circling around the already hardened shaft to give it a one--two pumps.

Luxord: Is he boxing with his genitals?
Xigbar: *jabs* Give him the one-two pump!

Just to make sure it was working properly.

Luxord: Remember, have your penis oil changed regularly to ensure optimum functionality.

SUBMIT!

It was a clear tunnel--about six inches long, and three inches in diameter--that housed a little rodent looking rather frightfully at the ephemeral image of Marluxia's face.

Xigbar: Hey look, it's Rhino!
Luxord: ...Why do I get the feeling you're going to regret making that reference.

"Do you know where this is going?"

Vexen: To hell in a handbasket?
Xigbar: I think the more important question is where it has been. It's called hammerspace, not gerbilspace.

There was a stunned silence at this question--a fearful, superfluous quiet much not to the curly haired one's liking.

Luxord: --"Curly-haired?"

He smiled a friendly smile, and lowered the tube to waist level. With his unoccupied hand, he twisted open the end cap keeping the gerbil from escaping to safety. Marluxia quietly tapped the tube against his palm, forcing the little creature from its home and into his gloved hand.

Xigbar: Yeah, until it makes it into the basement and Vexen puts him in a cage and injects crap into him.
Luxord: *as Marluxia* Hmm, almost out of fresh gerbils, going to have to stop by CostCo for more.

How much Marluxia longs to crush this gerbil!

Whoops--perhaps Marluxia was squeezing a little too hard in his fantasy, for it quickly became a reality as the gerbil was crushed.

Xigbar: Rhino, NOOOOO!
Luxord: I told you so.

It gave a defiant squeak, and tried to bite through the leather covered flesh; it was far too late to escape.

Xigbar: *in high-pitched, squeaky voice* I'll see you in hell, Pinky!

Little bones snapped like celery.

Vexen: Or fingernails.
All: *SHUDDER*

Crimson liquid ran between Marluxia's knuckles, darker streams joining it in a free fall towards the ground.

Luxord: ...So are we still reading porn, or is this just a rodent snuff film?

A sigh was all the thought that was given to the lifeless mass before Marluxia dropped what remained of his precious pet onto the ground. One prosaic, black boot lifted into the air and dropped again, hardened heel grinding the rodent's body into the ground. Skeleton crushed, it was nothing more than a balloon housing liquidized internal organs that popped upon contact--smearing the ground with a little puddle of blood and guts.

Vexen: Rodent snuff film.
Xigbar: Right up your alley, then?
Vexen: *shieldfwack*

No worries, Marluxia has a spare.

"And now we get to the real juicy part of the show."

Luxord: Oh, that was the wrong adjective to use.

Marluxia carefully positioned the tube right over it's target--that gaping hole the man's blue eyes were locked onto in the mirror.

Vexen: Rodent snuff, goatse, and now...this. I could be doing great things! I could be solving the mysteries of the universe! But noooooo.

Oh, sure he could watch just fine by looking forward--but it was more entertaining this way.

Luxord: Practicing his ballerina steps, I suppose.
Xigbar: Wasn't this the end of the Twilight movie?

The door was lifted; the gerbil's escape route unblocked.

Xigbar: No wait no, this was the end to 1984!

Axel’s ass resists the gerbil tube!

Marluxia frowned as his probe was forced out, but with a renewed strength he pushed it forward again. The resistance was fierce--and then, it suddenly came to an end. As if someone had given in; the mind going someplace else.

"That's a good boy, Axel. Take it like a man."

Xigbar: Take your rodent anal rape like a man, you pussy!
Luxord: He's guaranteed a Darwin Award, at least.

The man smiled cooly at his reflection, blue eyes watching the gerbil hide at the opposite end of it's frugal transportation.

Vexen: It's not a rape fic without the thesaurus getting violated, too.

Two inches--four inches, and that's where it stopped. One would think that the man would instantly react to this sudden halt, and try to force out the tube. But that didn't happen. Instead, the intrepid exploring rodent was forced to run headstrong into the thick smell of methane.

Luxord: Intrepid?
Xigbar: Boldly going where no--Actually, probably where a lot of men have been before. This is fanfic-land, after all.

A groan was leapt from the throat of the gerbil's new vessel,

Luxord: "was leapt?"
Vexen: This writing is more passive than rodent-raped Axel.

little claws digging into the soft spongy flesh beneath as it ran. Got to get out, got to get out.

Vexen: Am I agreeing with a rodent?

It's brain was screaming for it to escape, for it to find precious oxygen and breathe. Paws carved out it's path through the narrowing intestine as it ran--its once white fur being coated in a chocolate-y grease as it moved in a panic.

"Go. Gerbil. Goooo~."

Vexen: Tildes will cheer on our brave, furry hero.
Xigbar: Go, speed ger-bil! Go, speed ger-bil! Go, speed ger-bil, goooo!

Marluxia barely managed to utter the words, his jubilate mind imagining what horrors the little creature could be facing within the man's colon.

Vexen: In Axel's colon, I can only imagine.
Luxord: It can't be any worse than the horrors we're seeing right now.
Xigbar: You know, as soon as you say that...

How far would it go? He could only think about the wiggling warmth cutting it's way through his enemies' large intestine. When suddenly the gerbil became very, very still. A provocative stillness that still caused Marluxia's non-existent heart to whirl.

Luxord: ...How does he know?
Vexen: This what we call "bad foreshadowing," Luxord.

"What's wrong?"

Luxord: ...Is that a trick question?
Xigbar: *in high-pitched, squeaky voice* I'm stuck in some freak's intestinal tract, you 'curly-haired' fucker!

Gerbil has been switched to autopilot!

Any member of the family cricetidae--"New World" field mice, lemmings, and hamsters belonging to this as well--

Vexen: EENT. Gerbils were brought over from Asia as pets in the 1950s.

would react in such a way as describe: They would eat their way out.

Xigbar: The good ol' Pacman Ploy!
Luxord: Here I was expecting for him to sing his way out.
Xigbar: Ooooh, stealth mode! 8)
Vexen: ...How did you do that?

The sky was above, oxygen was above.

Luxord: With the desert below.
Xigbar: He's been through an Axel on a gerbil with no name, it felt good to get out of the rain!

The gerbil leapt into action, large incisors tearing into the delicately soft flesh--

Vexen: Internal organs are not THAT delicate!
Luxord: Spleens of white satin, sounds like.

and being spat out as quickly as possible. The revolting taste of digested food waste was almost enough to stop that self-preservation mode its miniature brain ran on. But it was going to escape.

Luxord: Here's hoping, it's the most compelling character in the story.

Faster and faster the mouth moved, tearing away chunk after chunk of the spongy material.

"How does it feel, Axel!? Who does it FEEL!?"

Xigbar: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT
Luxord: It feels Axel, I'd imagine.

The gerbil seems to get lost on its way out, but eventually…

Claws ripped, incisors sliced, and flesh tore to give way to the rodent. A twitchy red nose poked out of the naked skin covering the man's stomach.

Luxord: Shame, just a few inches up and we'd have ourselves a chestburster.

"YES. YES!!"

Vexen: Is the gerbil actually speaking here?

Yes! Yes!! The rodent could breath, it was almost free!

All: *CHEER*

It burrowed harder, burrowed deeper towards the light. The hole grew larger and Marluxia's eyes slid half-closed, still watching as his pet gerbil first stuck it's whole head out, wiggled its body through the new gaping hole, and plopped onto the ground. Breaking its own neck on impact.

All: .......
Xigbar: I feel cheated.

"Whelp. That did nothing for me, Axel."

Luxord: Funny, the feeling is mutual.
Vexen: We were right all along, it wasn't porn, it was a damn gerbil snuff fic.

Marluxia's eyes opened wide, looking down at the exit hole in his stomach. Then back at the mirror, he grinned at the image of himself alone.

Xigbar: Wait what? Axel?
Luxord: One hungry gerbil, I guess.

Axel was never there--he was alone. Locked in his room alone, the door sealed by Sora's Keyblade. The Castle Oblivion still answered to his beck and call, but his influence only existed within his chamber.

Vexen: So Marluxia has all the illusions of Castle Oblivion at his beck and call, and yet the best thing he can conjure up is rodents to eat through his intestines.
Luxord: I'm not sure whether to punish Sora for this or congratulate him.

Marluxia ran a hand through his newly dyed red-hair, pretentiously, precociously

Vexen: Presumably.
Luxord: Preposterous!
Xigbar: Pretty damn screwy.

as he marveled at himself and his naked form. The hole his pet gerbil had escaped from was rapidly filling up with new pink flesh, the damage being repaired quickly with a quietly muttered spell.

Xigbar: What spell? Regen doesn't exist in our games!

"A little role-playing never hurt anybody, right? I was both you, and me, Axel."

Luxord: You call "chewing through intestines" not hurting?!

Marluxia spoke to the mirror.

Vexen: And the mirror spoke back into him.
Luxord: *as the mirror* Get a hobby.
Xigbar: This fic was like being told by your parents that you're going to Disneyland, only you're not actually going to Disneyland, you're going to the dentist for a root canal. And then you get to the dentist and find out it's closed. Then you get home and discover that the dentist has billed you for the root canal anyway.

This Mother Bleeds Antihistory - [FINAL PART]

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 22:24:25 GMT

And here we have the VERY FINAL PART of this sporking. Thank you for bearing with us on this particular fic, and remember, kids: stay in school!

-------------------------

Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

Axel could tell if days were going to be bad as soon as he woke up.

Axel: My telepathy has leveled up to clairvoyance!

The sad thing was that he was usually right.

Zexion: Axel Himmler and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Holocaust.

When he woke up, his peridot eyes gazed out the window.

Xaldin: By this point, it sounds like they just hired Axel's eyes to star in this fic.

Dark rain clouds hung ominously in the sky and rain was pelting the ground, attacking innocent pedestrians and not-so-innocent SS.

Xaldin: ...Not so innocent?
Demyx: It's like those looked-down-upon gays.

Axel didn’t really like rain, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

Zexion: Genocide: like the weather, in a way.

Have yourself another quick history lesson.

When he walked into the Führerbunker, Axel shook his head wildly like a dog in an attempt to dry his hair somewhat.

Zexion: *as Hitler* What the hell, it smells like wet Axel in here!

After he clocked in, the redhead made his way down to the lower levels to the interrogation rooms with high hopes of finding Roxas.

Demyx: Already?!

Roxas was watching Saix interrogate a person afflicted with autism.

Xaldin: My, but Roxas is up on the cutting edge of then-cutting edge child psychology.

It was always horrible to watch the interrogation of those with mental illnesses.

Axel: Interrogations of healthy people, however, were a total blast!

In this case, the “criminal”, a fourteen-year-old girl, was one of the autistic children who needed more attention than others. Axel knew that some children with autism could function and behave normally without an aid, though it was always telling when a person had autism.

Demyx: And NOW this fic is a PSA!
Axel: Bet you anything Hitler blames autism on vaccinations.

This girl, however, was clearly one who needed an aid, yet one was not present with her.

Demyx: *tosses a box of band-aids at the screen*

Axel couldn’t hear the questions Saix asked, but he could tell that he was getting angry. Saix’s posture changed to the posture he usually held when he was agitated or annoyed.

Zexion: We're not going to tell you what that posture is. It's a secret.

The girl was obviously trying her hardest to answer the questions, but she wasn’t doing so well.

Xaldin: Considering we can't hear what she's being asked, this must be his clairvoyance kicking in again.

Axel couldn’t blame her. It was terrifying enough to be interrogated by the SS, even more so when the person being interrogated had a mental illness.

Zexion: Even moreso when the person doing the interrogating can bash your skull in with a five-foot-long claymore. Not that Saix will be NEARLY so interesting in this fic.
Axel: Look on the bright side: This isn't Captain Vidal and she doesn't have a stutter.
All: *shudder*

Saix shouldn't be so mean to prisoners!

“Demyx is more patient.”

Zexion: And has the appropriate intelligence for the job.
Demyx: Darn straight I-- Hey wait.

“But Saix gets it done the way the Führer wants.” Roxas shrugged.

Axel: With maximum cracked skulls.
Demyx: *as Hitler* It's my way or the Autobahn!

At that moment, Sora strode into the room. He was not out of breath as he had been at their last visit, but he didn’t look so pleased with what he had to say.

Axel: *as Sora* OH GOD I'M IN A NAZI SCHOOL AU.

“What is it this time, Sora?” Axel faced the other SS.

“We have to go round up Jews with Rikku.” Sora said.

Axel: Tap-dancing Creepers in a disco bar, hasn't Germany run out of Jews yet?!

“Why is she going?”

Zexion: Fits into the tiny places.
Demyx: Like you?
Zexion: *Lexicon beatdown*

Roxas frowned, following Axel and Sora out of the room.

“She’s trying to get to a big position in the Third Reich and she somehow thinks that this is helping.” Sora rolled his eyes.

Demyx: Wait--all the other guys do it and it's NOT stupid, but then a woman does it and suddenly she's stupid?

“So where are we going today?” Axel wanted to know. “And is it just us and Rikku?”

Zexion: You know, at least she'll be perfect for the whole treasure-stealing bit.

“Yep.” Sora nodded. “Well, Yuna might come later if she gets back from Auschwitz in time.”

“Whoopee.” The peridot eyes rolled to the ceiling.

Demyx: Anakin Skywalker's a Nazi, too?!
Axel: Stupid girls, don't they know this is a MAN'S WORLD?
Xaldin: So what are you doing in it?

They found Rikku waiting by the van in the nearby parking lot. The blonde was leaning against the wall in a bored fashion with her arms crossed against her chest.

Zexion: Looks like she's been reading this fic as well.

When she saw the boys approaching, she rolled her eyes and faced them with a stance of agitation.

“What was that for, Rikku?” Roxas noticed the rolling of her eyes.

Demyx: *as Rikku* Gaaawd, I've got a vagina so I just HAVE to be a bitch in fanfiction, 'kay?

“Do all men take this long?” Rikku questioned as she clambered into the back seat of the van with Roxas.

Axel: Oh GOD, it's the Strong Female Character!
Xaldin: Because performing masculinity equals strength.

Stop the insane conversation!

“So who’s going to haul the Jews back here?” Axel asked.

“Dibs!” Rikku’s hand shot in the air.

Zexion: ...Good lord, are they going to play punch bug along the way?!

“Okay…Rikku and who else?” Roxas asked.

“I guess I can do it.” Axel said. “I don’t like it, but I might as well do something.”

Axel: *as self* Like, better than being left doing the works cited page--I mean, documenting.

“It shouldn’t take long today.” Rikku said. “But we have a lot of streets to cover.”

Demyx: We have tons of ground to cover, but thanks to the tear in the fabric of time and space, we'll be done in half an hour!

“Like those two sentences aren’t contradictory.” Sora rolled his eyes as the van slowed to a stop at a stop sign.

Demyx: Remember class, everything that comes out of a woman's mouth is WRONG.
Xaldin: It's pretty damn sad when the fic is critiquing itself and the author still isn't listening.

“I mean that there aren’t many Jews to be brought back.” Rikku explained. “There’s probably going to be a lot of stuff to bring back, though.”

“More to document.” Axel sighed. “Lucky me.”

“Hey, I’m stuck doing it, too.” Roxas reminded the redhead.

Xaldin: Don't know why it would help, group school projects are the worst.

“Rikku, where’s Paine?” Sora asked,

Demyx: PAIN IS EVERYWHERE!
Zexion: Different spelling, Demyx.

knowing that Rikku, Paine and Yuna were as thick as thieves.

Xaldin: Ha ha ha ha see little joke there.

Rikku is a BITCH because this is VERY IMPORTANT.

The only difference was a large Star of David above the mantle. The occupants of the house were clearly proud of being Jewish, not that Roxas had a problem with it.

Axel: Because pwecious widdle Woxas can't have an objectionable thought, ever!

Pictures on the wall showed a couple, gradually progressing to show the addition of children.

Demyx: It's a diagram of Darwin's theory of evolution!

Some were formal pictures, but others were of everyday activities like vacations and trips to the beach.

“I wonder what’s going to happen once the war’s over…” Sora trailed off randomly.

Axel: *as himself* Wouldn't it be funny if some American high schoolers wrote a story about it only all of the characters were villains from a children's video game series, only the villains were just boring and actually hated being SS?
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha...haaaaaaah.

“It depends on who wins.” Roxas shrugged. “Hitler wants to take over Europe. Well, the world, technically.”

Xaldin: Europe, the world, same difference.

“Vast empire.” Sora gave a short laugh, adding a silver pocket watch to the pile.

“Can you imagine what that would be like?” Roxas asked.

“Different, huh?” Sora said with a tone in his voice that Roxas had never heard before.

Demyx: We covered that in Star Trek already.

Axel absolutely hated doing anything that involved Rikku.

All: We didn't notice.

For one thing, she talked too much. Axel wouldn’t mind this normally, but Rikku somehow made it so annoying. He didn’t know why, but her incipit chatter drove him off the wall.

Axel: Have a condensed version of the above: GOD! WOMEN! LOUD! NAGGING!

And she always tried to get things done her way.

Xaldin: The whole world is her Burger King.

She even painted her kitchen green and pink, that BITCH.

“You need to get up. We have a lecture to go to.” Rikku grabbed Axel by the arm and dragged him out of the room.

Demyx: The professor said it'd be on the test!

“Lecture? On what?” Axel demanded.

“Identifying a Jew.” Rikku answered.

Axel: Not like they have gold stars on thei---oh WAIT.
Xaldin: You'll want to look for dry skin, panting, and eyebrows that meet in the middle.

“But we already know how to ID them.” Axel broke free from Rikku’s grip as they reached the stairwell.

Demyx: We covered this in Freshmen Seminar!

“I just found out from Kairi and Selphie.” Rikku said. “It’s not like I’ve known about this.”

Demyx: That's the other thing about women, they always roam in packs.

“And when is this?” Axel asked as they reached ground level.

“At four.” Rikku said.

Zexion: In the morning.

“It’s only noon!” Axel exclaimed. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I thought you’d rather know sooner than later.” Rikku bolted to the van, leaving Axel to sprint after her.

Xaldin: Axel and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

When they reached their destination, the last house of the day, they found another SS van in the driveway, which could mean only one thing: Yuna had arrived.

Zexion: Seriously, did they decide that the only way to actually make the SS evil in this fic was to genderswitch it all of a sudden?

And when they walked inside, their eyes found Roxas and Yuna dragging a crate of liquor from upstairs.

Demyx: *as Roxas* HEY GUYS MY PARENTS ARE OUTTA TOWN FOR THE WEEKEND WOOOO

In case you haven't figured out how BITCHY females are yet, Yuna is made out to be annoying, too.

“Books for burning?” Rikku assumed.

Demyx: Naww, we're gonna make them into a fort!

“Yep.” Sora nodded.

“All right!” Yuna exclaimed.

“Someone’s pyro.” Roxas rolled his eyes.

Axel: Glad to serve!
Zexion: He wasn't talking about you, moron.
Axel: Oh, but allow me anyway.

“Shut up, Roxas.” Yuna punched him playfully in the arm. “You know that’s not true.”

“Sure, whatever you say.” Roxas muttered under his breath.

It was still raining heavily as Axel walked to the Führerbunker for the lecture later that afternoon.

Zexion: All his lecture notes got soaked.

He didn’t know how Roxas would handle the situation at all. He certainly didn’t look Jewish, so that wouldn’t be a problem.

Xaldin: Then watch, the lecture is "RESEARCH SHOWS THAT JEWS ARE SHORT, BLOND WITH SPIKY HAIR, AND WEAR TACKY JEWELRY."

But the whole situation of being Jewish and in the SS was putting a lot of mental stress on the blonde. Axel had tried to get Roxas to open up and vent some of his feelings, but Roxas wouldn’t say anything.

Demyx: Talking: It's only annoying if it's ~~a woman~~ Rikku!
Axel: ...Hey, how'd you do that?

When he walked into the lecture room, Axel found Roxas right away with Demyx and Xigbar.

Zexion: In a secret tryst.

Axel was surprised by Xigbar’s presence. Xigbar was usually away reporting on battles, so it was very strange to see him at the lecture.

Demyx: Xigbar: War Correspondent. *fakes a newscaster voice* Reports indicate large amounts of death, death, and some flurries of death in late afternoon.

“What are you doing here, Xigbar?” Axel asked as he sat down next to Roxas.

Xaldin: *as Xigbar* Filling out the cast even more.

“Zexion told me about this and thought I’d be interested.” Xigbar replied.

Axel: It can count towards his major.

“Sounds good to me.” Axel leaned back in his seat.

“Who’s teaching this thing?” Demyx wanted to know.

“Xemnas, probably.” Roxas answered. “Or Xaldin. Or Marluxia. Or Seifer.”

Axel: Or Wakka. Or DiZ. Or Mulan. Or Bambi.

Okay class! How do you identify Jews?

After grabbing a piece of chalk, he turned to the nearby chalkboard and wrote the word JEW in all capitals near the top.

Xaldin: Shouldn't that read "JUDE?"
Demyx: Hey, Jude....*sings*

He turned and faced the group before asking, “What do we know about the Jews?”

Zexion: They have a metric fuckton of valuables.

“They’re liars.” Seitzer said.

“They’re too rich for their own good.” Wakka said.

All: *turn towards Axel*
Axel: Don't blame me for this!

“They corrupt innocent people.” Saix said.

Zexion: Like innocent little blond SS members.

“Good, good.” Xemnas said as he wrote the suggestions on the board. “What else?”

“They rape children.” An SS named Flux said.

Axel: Suddenly we're in an Aeon Flux crossover?!

“They’re the cause of war and the reason why we lost the Great War.” Kairi said.

Axel: *spittakes beer*
Zexion: Why did that warrant a spittake?
Axel: Just hearing that out of the Princess of Heart's mouth threw me off-guard!

“Very good list.” Xemnas said as he finished writing and faced the group. “The Jews are the cause for all of our problems. They cheat people on business deals, which is why they are so rich.

Demyx: DAMN YOU, BERNARD MADOFF!

They are selfish and do not share their wealth with anyone. They are deceitful and always tell lies.”

Axel: And they're ALL in a lower tax bracket!

Blah blah they'll fight the power, except not.

Roxas lay awake in his bed later that night, trying to ignore the harsh words that were running through his head,

Axel: *as self* Roxas...I'm leaving you for a younger uke.
Demyx: *plays* ALL THE THINGS YOU SAID...RUNNING THROUGH MY HEA--
All: *beat*

the words from those at the rally.

Xaldin: Wait, last chapter it was a lecture. Was there another volleyball fundraiser we didn't read about?

The speakers of those words thought that they were true, that the Jews were the cause of everything that had happened after World War I. The fact of the matter was that they were wrong. In fact, they couldn’t have been more wrong.

Zexion: I don't know about that. They could, say, think we're the good guy--Oh, that's the author.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

He kept thinking about the woman in the death camp, kept hearing her scream, kept seeing the look of dismay on her face.

Zexion: ...Dismay.
Axel: Roxas is lost in Munch's scream!
Zexion: Dismay?!

But how could he forget something like that?

Axel: Get Namine in here, she'll take care of it.
Other three: Please.

He knew that he should forget about it, forget the emotions that were washing over him like waves on the ocean.

Axel: Like DEATH-DEFYING WAVES HAHAHAHAHAHA YES
Xaldin: ...What are you talking about.

But another part of him was telling him to hold on to these emotions, that he wanted to remember the scene that kept playing over in his head.

Demyx: I think the record's broken!

Axel seemed to be more aware of Roxas’ feelings than anyone else. Then again, Axel was around Roxas more than anyone, but that wasn’t really the point.

Axel: Spice your writing up with pointless red herrings!

Blah blah emotions. Demyx meets up with Rikku and Paine.

“Demyx and Yuna have to go on round-up.” Xaldin said.

Demyx: Can't they ever mean a rodeo when they talk about these things? *pouts*

“Rikku, you have to meet Axel in Himmler’s office.”

Zexion: You know, maybe if you work real hard Xaldin, one day you can be promoted from cardboard cutout to one-dimensional character just like Axel and Roxas.

“What about?” Rikku looked suspiciously at her superior.

“I have no idea.” Xaldin said. “Himmler just told me to find you and Axel and go to his office.”

Axel: Sweet flying Creepers, does no one in this fic know anything?

He then turned to Demyx and Yuna and said, “Meet with Xigbar in the garage.”

“Why is Xigbar still here?” Demyx asked Yuna as he left the lounge a minute later.

Axel: We have a Xigbar?!
Zexion: Yes see, he's that second cutout to the left.

“I think he’s going to be doing stuff here for a while before he leaves.” Yuna said.

Xaldin: DOING STUFF? Well I'll be damned.
Demyx: Wooow guys, maybe later Xigbar will go places, meet people, and say things!

“I’m not complaining.” Demyx said. “Xigbar’s pretty fun to go on round-up with.”

Zexion: Yes. Fun. *best Xigbar impression* "Let's see how you dance, little man." Thrilling for someone who doesn't hate Jews.
Demyx: *unnerved* Don't talk like that again.

“Better than Saix, anyway.” Yuna said with a look of exasperation. “He’s -dreadful.”

Axel: *as Yuna* Simply dreadful, dahling, I just can't do a thing with him. *handflip*

Roxas absolutely hated documenting.

All: WE FUCKING KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

Documenting is so much easier with Tidus! Except it's not.

While he was examining a porcelain bowl, Sora walked into the room, looking somewhat annoyed.

Axel: *as Sora* Well guys, I'm back to tell you that you need to be somewhere else. No, I don't know why. Just go there already and whine more about how much you have to document.
Xaldin: ...Didn't we just read this.

“What is it, Sora?” Roxas asked, looking up from his bowl for a moment before writing something down on a sheet of paper.

Demyx: *as Sora* Someone help, this fic is stuck on copy/paste AND WE CAN'T TURN IT OFF!

“I’m helping you with documenting.” Sora said as he sat down next to the blonde.

“Thanks a lot.” Roxas said gratefully. “There’s a lot to do.”

“So I see.” Sora grabbed a child’s doll and started documenting.

Zexion: *mimes writing something in Lexicon* Found: One cheap attempt at jerking heartstrings. Value: 0 marks.

“This is so annoying.” Roxas sighed, discarding the bowl before picking up a gold pen and starting the process over again.

Demyx: Well you know this stuff is so valuable because they're documenting it in gold!

“Isn’t it though?” Sora smiled. “But maybe it’ll help the Third Reich.”

Axel: We'll drop BOWLS on Great Britain! BRILLIANT THINKING, SORA.

“By knowing how many gems are in a necklace?” Roxas raised an eyebrow. “I highly doubt it.”

Xaldin: Nice to know Roxas is ignorant of books and the cooking thereof.
Zexion: ..........*hugs Lexicon protectively*

So apparently Axel has to go meet his dad about something.

“I saw the two of them talking in the lobby this morning.” Sora noted. “They seemed serious.”

Demyx: *as Himmler* Son, you're being written out of will in favor of the poodle.

“Deeper than a father-son thing?” Roxas asked as he began looking over a set of tableware.

All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

“A little, yeah.” Sora nodded.

“Well, it’s probably nothing.” Roxas shrugged.

“Yeah. It couldn’t be anything really serious.” Sora nodded. “We would’ve heard about it by now.”

All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaha...haaaaah.

When he was a few blocks away from the Führerbunker, Axel noticed that something seemed…strange. Not strange in a mythological sense,

Zexion: "Mythological?" What? What?
Demyx: He's expecting Medusa the gorgon and the Minotaur to pop up at any minute and let him know that he has to visit another death camp!

but strange like something bad was going to happen, yet not something life threatening.

Axel: His transmission cuts out!
Demyx: His dog crapped on the carpet!
Zexion: Telemarketer calls on his cell phone.
Xaldin: Got a B-minus on his last paper.

It was a strange sensation and Axel didn’t know what to make of it.

Axel: I traded Genre Awareness for telepathy and it's coming back to bite me in the ass.

Shaking it off, Axel walked inside the Führerbunker where he found Himmler waiting for him in one of the armchairs against the wall.

Demyx: Hey look, it's Armchair National-Socialism.

The SS leader had an expression of agitation on his face, but that vanished when he saw his son.

Axel: Emotions are for ethnic people.

Himmler wants to know if he knows Rikku! Becaaaause...

“I have arranged for the two of you to be romantically involved in a-” Himmler started to say.

Xaldin: --Completely bullshit way!
Zexion: --month, after the transformation is complete.
Demyx: --Threesome. The Struggle Guy will be your third party.
Axel: Oh hell.

“You want me to go out with Rikku?!”

Demyx: EEEEENT! Back then, they said "court." I know because old songs told me so. *is proud of self*

Axel looked as if the world was over. “Pardon my rudeness, but have you lost your mind?!”

Xaldin: Would you look at that, he's catching on.
Zexion: They're in the fucking Holocaust, and yet the best drama they can manage is OH NO DATING PROBLEMS!

“She would be a good match for you.” Himmler said, ignoring his son’s outburst.

Xaldin: *as Himmler* Blonde hair, yes, green eyes but we can't help that, good hips...
All: *look faintly ill*

“No, she wouldn’t.” Axel said defiantly as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Demyx: *as Axel* I'm gonna hold my breath until you say I don't have to date her!

“You don’t know Rikku on that level, Axel.” Himmler said.

Zexion: What, and Himmler does?!
All: *look very ill*

“It might be easier for you two to know each other in a different way.”

Xaldin: As pen pals.

“Fat chance of that ever happening.” Axel muttered under his breath.

“You and Rikku are to come down to my office in ten minutes so we can discuss this further.” Himmler said.

Zexion: Himmler wants to pick out the dresses that Rikku will have to wear.
All: *Look EXTREMELY ill*

“I don’t like this.” Axel shook his head, sending the wild crimson spikes in different directions.

Demyx: Killing three and wounding seven.

“That doesn’t matter.” Axel thought that Himmler must be one of the least caring people in the world to force this on him.

All: NO, REALLY?!

But Axel doesn't wanna date Rikku!

He hated Rikku and she hated him. This wouldn’t work out at all.

Demyx: It's like some invisible force is setting them up to fail! And that force is authorial intent!
Xaldin: At least maybe we'll see some damned conflict.
Zexion: My, but you're optimistic.

Because Axel already had someone else on his mind, someone who dominated his every thought.

Zexion: With whips and chains!
Demyx: Jodie Foster?!

Roxas would probably agree with Axel in that the whole arrangement was stupid. But Roxas didn’t know the whole truth and Axel wanted it to stay that way. At least for now.

Xaldin: Yes, we've all seen how well NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING has progressed the story so far.

Axel had no idea how Roxas felt about homosexuals. But would it really make a difference, since the two knew each other so well?

Axel: Poor communication kills, after all.

Yes, it could.

Axel knew of how friendships were destroyed because one was Jewish or a gypsy or another undesirable. One friend betrayed the other. It was always like that.

Zexion: Except for here, where it's never like that.

And Axel knew that Roxas was afraid that the former would betray him, no matter how many times Axel said that he wouldn’t.

Zexion: Yeah, not like he has a track record or anything.

He valued their friendship too much to let that happen. There was no way that he would let that happen.

Axel started walking down the street, still freezing, but moving helped a little bit.

Xaldin: Well then do yourself a favor and stop moving.

He knew he should go back inside to find Rikku and get this whole thing sorted out, but he kept walking, leaving the Führerbunker behind him.

Axel: AND I WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN, THE END.
Zexion: One more chapter left.
Axel: ...Dammit.

The first days of December brought blizzards and harsh weather,

Demyx: I thought they brought a partridge in a pear tree.
Zexion: No, that's your true love.
Demyx: What?! You are NOT my true love!
Zexion: ...

which forced generals to change plans for their battles.

Axel: Men, we will now be going UNDER the snow instead of over it!

Changes were also occurring in Berlin, as well as the rest of Germany. Christmas trees were springing up in houses, though instead of stars, swastikas rested on the top branches.

Demyx: Did they use antlers in all of their decorating?

With the changing weather, the SS were kept busy by working on improving tanks and fighter planes.

Xaldin: And decorating them with holly and little jingle bells.

Other SS were in charge of visiting concentration camps and reporting on how the camp was run. Boring business, but it had to be done.

Xaldin: Nothing more boring than genocide.

A group of SS found themselves down in the lower levels of the Führerbunker test-firing guns that had been confiscated.

Demyx: Am I the only one wondering what's been going on in the *upper* levels of the Führerbunker?
Other three: Yes.

They're here for target practice!

“Hey, you should hear about some of the fetishes people have.” Yuna said.

All: LIKE NAZISM, FOR EXAMPLE.

“But we aren’t talking about fetishes, now are we, Yuna?” Axel raised an eyebrow.

Axel: I'm not so convinced we aren't.

“No…” Yuna frowned.

“So how was that relevant?” Paine wondered.

“I have no idea!” Yuna grinned before firing off another round.

Xaldin: Will the author please stop talking to herself now?
Zexion: So in other words, this was an exercise in pointlessness.
Axel: Isn't that true of the rest of the fic.
Zexion: Yes, but this part especially.

“Stop being so cheerful.” Axel shuddered. “It’s annoying.”

Axel: *as himself* You and your positive attitude and cheerful disposition! GAWD.

“Oh, like your angst-like attitude is any better.” Yuna glared at Axel.

Zexion: She uses actual German and yet it's still just fangirl language.
Axel: Wait a minute, I thought I was happily shooting.

“No fighting.” Roxas said. “That’s not a good idea when there are guns around.”

Demyx: He's right. It's not good, it's GREAT.

“Oh, good idea, Roxas.” Axel grinned maliciously.

All were relieved from their duties, however, when the day ended and it was time for the SS to return home.

Axel: So that whole scene actually was filler.
Zexion: I told you so.

Axel meets Rikku and they talk about their upcoming date.

“What’s the point? It’s going to be a disaster.” Axel rolled his eyes. “There could be nothing worse than going out with you.”

Axel: Well, I could be living in the midst of a countrywide holocaust specifically targeting one of my best friends and finding myself incapable of--OH WAIT.

“Hey, I’d rather go out with anyone besides you, Axel.” Rikku shot back.

Demyx: This seems like the perfect time to interject a snappy musical number!

“Whatever.” Axel snapped. “I’ll get you around six.”

Xaldin: And your little dog too.

“Fine.” Rikku said angrily as she stomped off to her apartment.

Zexion: Ironically, Axel and Rikku have had more sexual tension in this one conversation than Axel and Roxas have had the entire past thirteen chapters.

Walking onward, Axel’s mind was reeling. Just who did she think she was, anyway?

Demyx: Silly women and their silly opinions, hopes, and dreams. Girl stuff.

Axel spends 45 minutes trying to unspike his hair for the date, with no success. Meanwhile, at Roxas's place...

Roxas sat alone in his apartment, trying to think of something to do.

Xaldin: I don't know maybe sabotage the Third Reich?
Axel: That'd be interesting, so no can do.

There wasn’t anything good on TV besides stupid holiday specials. And they were Christmas specials, at that.

Zexion: Wow, the Nazis are so priveledged, they have technology that hasn't even been invented yet.
Demyx: Rankin Bass, Charles Schultz and Boris Karloff ALL traveled back in time and made Christmas specials, JUST TO SPITE ROXAS.

Then again, Hanukkah wouldn’t be accepted well in the Third Reich, so this wasn’t really any surprise.

Zexion: ...Not accepted well.
Demyx: Are you ever going to get over these understatements?
Zexion: No.

It would be a very lonely holiday indeed.

Demyx: *plays* I'm dreamiiiiing...of a whiiiiite Hanukkaaaaah...

Roxas tries to call Axel up, but he's not home.

Why wouldn’t Axel be home?

Axel: Because unlike some people, I have a life.

He never planned anything during the holidays and he hadn’t told Roxas that he would be doing something. He wouldn’t be seeing his family, that was for sure. Well, he might spend some time with Himmler, but Axel wouldn’t see his other family.

Zexion: Maybe he's at the Kathy Wolfhart store, buying Roxas some limited edition Steiff bear to make up for the fact that he dared to go out with a vagina-bearer.

After a few moments’ thought, Roxas called Demyx.

Demyx: What's that? In the distance? *squints* I do believe it's a drama llama!

Fortunately, the phone picked up and Demyx could be heard speaking into the other end.

“What’s up, Roxas?”

Axel: *as Roxas* Iwuhl catch you, you wascawy Nazis!

“I’m bored.” Roxas said. “Let’s go out somewhere.”

“Sounds good to me.” Demyx said. “Anywhere specific?”

Xaldin: Ten munny says it'll be another death camp.

“Anywhere.

Demyx: *croons* Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't caaaaare...

And back at the nondescript restaurant...

“It’s so pointless.” Rikku sighed. “There’s no way we’d get along.”

“Ain’t that the truth.” Axel said under his breath.

Axel: You know, for how much we supposedly disagree on everything, we're agreeing with each other an awful lot.

“I heard that.” Rikku glared at the redhead.

“So what?” Axel snapped. “It’s not like I care.”

Demyx: *as Rikku* Well it's not like I care!
Axel: *as himself, mocking* Mull nuz nuff luff I kull!
Zexion: Stop that.

“Man, I seriously hope your father doesn’t expect us to get married.” Rikku shuddered at the very idea of being married to Axel. “How much worse can it get?”

“Oh, it could get worse.” Axel said.

Demyx: His uke could leave him for another seme!

“Yeah?” Rikku’s voice was challenging. “How?”

“You could be dead.” Axel said.

Zexion: ...Well that's morbid and vaguely threatening.
Xaldin: Quick, someone think of a joke about killing women that's funny--oh wait, contradiction in terms.

“That’d be bad for me, but you’d love it and don’t try to say that you wouldn’t.” Rikku added.

Axel: FOR THE LOVE OF THE HOLY DRAGOON TRINITY, STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF, AUTHOR

“How do you know I would have?” Axel rolled his eyes. “God, you girls are all the same.”

Axel: *as self* Not INDIVIDUALS, like us semes and ukes!

“Uh-huh. Like you men are so perfect.” Rikku’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

Demyx: It's the Battle of the Sexes and EVERYONE'S LOSING!

“Better than girls.” Axel said. “Guys don’t spend twenty minutes trying on a pair of shoes, Rikku.”

Xaldin: Just forty-five minutes on their hair.

Axel can't tell Rikku about his seekrit love for Roxas! No one tells anyone anything!

After walking into a bar,

Demyx: Ouch.

Demyx and Roxas found seats at the counter and decided that it would be best if they just talked, since there wasn’t much to do outside since snow had started to fall.

Zexion: ...Of the same restaurant?
Xaldin: Launching zany setup used in every romantic comedy ever in three, two...
Demyx: What about snowmen? Snowball fights? Snow forts? Even snow goons?!

“Geez, I thought they were kidding when they said that it would snow tonight.”

Axel: No, the weatherman just talks to hear himself speak, Demyx.

Demyx scowled. “And we’ll have to put chains on the trucks tomorrow.”

“Of course. We always do when we get a big snow.” Roxas took a drink from his strawberry daiquiri.

Xaldin: It figures that the uke has a girly drink.

“See, I used to love snow. But since I’ve joined the SS, it’s just been a major pain in the ass.”

Demyx: Now they only let me build snow tanks and drop snow bombs.

DOCUMENTING DOCUMENTING DOCUMENTING

“Then why mention that you and Himmler were talking about the conditions on the eastern front?” Roxas frowned.” That has nothing to do with documenting.

Demyx: The more I see it, the less "documenting" looks like a word.

And who’s going?”

“We don’t know yet.” Demyx shook his head. “I think that it’s supposed to be random.

Axel: This whole fic really IS just a crap shoot of names.

Have you done your documenting for the year yet?”

Zexion: What, is this a code word for doing their taxes?

“No, not yet.” Roxas took a drink of his daiquiri.

“It’s probably going to be you, then.” Demyx nodded.

“Wait, when did you document?” Roxas frowned,

Xaldin: Where's that damn Dusk that was going around stealing the word "Photo?" I've got another word I want him to steal here.

knowing that this form of documenting was completely different from the documenting that was conducted in the Führerbunker.

Axel: Talk to your children about documenting. Before a Nazi does.

“In Buchenwald a few months ago.” Demyx replied. “Axel wanted to go, but he had to go on round-up duty instead.”

Demyx: *as Axel* Get along, lil' undesirables, yee-haw!

“Speaking of Axel, do you know where he is?” Roxas inquired. “I tried calling him earlier, but he wasn’t home.”

“You don’t know?” Demyx asked incredulously before draining the martini glass.

Zexion: Demyx can already tell he'll need lots of alcohol for this conversation.

“No, what?” Roxas frowned.

“He’s on a date with Rikku.” Demyx said.

“Rikku?!” Roxas said so loudly that half of the bar grew silent.

Demyx: *as Roxas, a la Darth Vader* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo
Axel: The other half just said "Oh those gay boys" and went about their business.

“Yeah. Apparently Himmler set the two of them on a date.” Demyx said. “I thought Axel would have told you.”

“No.” Roxas shook his head. “He didn’t tell me anything.”

Demyx: *as Axel* Roxas, this relationship is suffocating me!

Demyx look at Roxas with an odd expression on his face for a few seconds before starting on another conversation about how annoying Yuna was. Roxas heard the words, but they became a blur after a matter of seconds.

Zexion: He'd heard this idiotic, sexist drivel many, many times before.

Why didn’t Axel tell him about Rikku? Roxas had told Axel that he was Jewish! Couldn’t Axel tell Roxas that he was going out with Rikku? Even if it was a forced relationship? Then again, white lies were spreading all across Nazi Germany.

Axel: White lies, Nazi Germeny, get it yet?
All: AHAHAHHAHAHahahahaha...haaaaaah.

Who could tell what was the truth and what was a lie?

Demyx: Well, we all know the cak--
Xaldin: *stomps on foot before he can finish*
Zexion: *flips through script* Well, this looks like the final chapter. I suppose this would be the point where I express my desire to go out and destroy all things living, except I'm too disgusted to even bother with that.
Demyx: Plus it'd probably be really boring.
Axel: There's just one thing I have to say to all this:

This Mother Bleeds Antihistory - (PART FOUR)

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 04:36:05 GMT

This time around we just have two chapters for you. This should be the second-to-last post for this fic, thank everything.

-------------------------

Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

One of the things Axel hated about being a member of the SS was the documenting.

Zexion: It ranked just above the whole slaughter of innocents thing he occasionally whined about.
Xaldin: And then after that, he hated SATs.

Hitler wanted every detail of his precious Third Reich to be recorded and the recording had to be very exact.

Zexion: Makes it that much harder to plagiarize Wikipedia, doesn't it?

It was very tedious and always made Axel want to kill something by the time the process was done.

All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha...haaaaah.

He hated documenting, especially documenting the belongings of Jews and other undesirables.

Axel: I could turn it into proof of this to convince the outside world, but does that occur to bleeding-heart!me? Noooooo.

So Axel sat in the dimly lit room in the underground Führerbunker, scribbling the details of various objects in his chicken-scratch handwriting. If he was being forced to document, he’d have his revenge by making his handwriting atrocious.

Demyx: Yeah, you show 'em Axel! Those documents won't know what hit them!
Xaldin: ...Why do I suspect that this is a case of author-insertion?

Gaaawd, documenting is so BORING. Roxas shows up to help.

“Well, at least I get someone to talk to while I suffer.” Axel smiled.

“Hey, I hate this too.”

Axel: Misery, thy name is MLA Style.

Roxas said, taking a pad and pencil and starting to write the details of a high school class ring.

Demyx: ...Hey, I was just about to make that joke!
Axel: OH MY GOD THEY ARE IN NAZI HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

“Why does everything have to be so precise?” Axel sighed, turning to a new page and reaching for the next object: a silver pocket-watch.

Demyx: I didn't know Edward Elric was Jewish.

“I guess that’s what the Führer wants.” Roxas shrugged.

Demyx: *singing* And whatever Fuhrer wants, Fuhrer gets! And little Fuhrer wants YOU!
Zexion: I heard he was into watersports, actually.
Other three: .....

So what are they categorizing again?

“Lots of valuables.” Roxas said.

Axel: Always valuables. You'd never think there'd been a global depression or anything just a bit ago.

“Those are even worse.” Axel said, knowing that valuables required extra detail.

Demyx: Didn't we just read this?
Axel: *cups hands over mouth* Mayday mayday mission control, we are caught in a Moebius Strip. Repeat, we are caught in a Moebius Strip, please advise.

“What are you guys doing?”

Axel: WE'RE CATEGORIZING VALUABLES, WERE YOU NOT JUST PAYING ATTENTION. JESUS BERSERKER CHRIST.

Demyx was now standing in the doorway, looking at the two SS with a peculiar look on his face.

“What now, Demyx?” Axel sighed.

“Saix told me to tell you that you two and Riku are going to another death camp.” Demyx said.

Xaldin: They weren't kidding about that 'join the SS, see the world' bit.

“Oh, yea.” Roxas rolled his eyes.

Zexion: *headLexion. Repeatedly*

They’re going to some camp.

“Do you know why?” Axel’s peridot eyes were on the paper in front of him.

Zexion: *as paper* Deliver one million marks to the Fuhrerbunker by midnight, or the blond gay Jewish uke gets it!

“I think Saix said something about an execution.” Demyx said, his tone changing drastically.

Demyx: From what to what? How is the audience supposed to infer from that when it's like I'm just a cardboard exposition prop?
Zexion: You have personality traits here, Demyx. You're stupid.
Demyx: Gee, thanks.

“Why do we have to be there?” Axel frowned, now facing the other blonde.

Xaldin: First you were whining about pushing pencils, now you're whining about going to death camps? Would you like some cheese to go with that?

“I honestly have no idea.”

Xaldin: To further woobify Roxas and Axel! Pattern recognition, Demyx!

Demyx shrugged. “Saix just told me to tell you that you need to meet Riku in the lobby in half an hour.”

Axel: Need to check out of your hotel rooms by noon or you get charged for another day.

“But who’s going to finish this stuff?!” Roxas exclaimed, gesturing to the large pile of objects before him.

Axel: ROXAS YOU WERE DYING TO GET FREE OF THIS SIX LINES AGO SWEET FANCY DANCERS

One road trip over to the concentration camp later...

Riku had been told that they were watching an inmate, if you could call the prisoners that,

Zexion: As opposed to what? An outmate?

who had attempted to rape one of the personnel in the camp, get executed.

Xaldin: Surprise buttsecks works even in concentration camps. I see.

Apparently both the rapist and the “victim” were both men, so this sent up a double red-flag to the Führerbunker.

Axel: Yeah, I’ll send a red flag up Hitler’s—wait.
Xaldin: Snark-off: reasons for "victim" being in scare quotes. You have five seconds. Go!
Zexion: The guy didn't precisely say "no."
Demyx: All men secretly want it!
Axel: HE WAS WEARING A SHORT SKIRT!

“This kind of thing is disgusting.” Riku said, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

Demyx: With a disgusted look on his completely disgusted face in disgust.

“I mean, the guy was a Jew, but he was obviously gay if he wanted to rape one of the male guards.

Xaldin: ...This SS officer hasn't been around that many prison camps, has he.
Axel: Or prison at all, for that matter.
Zexion: Situational homosexuality is clearly too commie for the National Socialists.

How revolting is that?”

Demyx: Aw, he should've said 'disgusting.'

“Very.” Axel said, though Roxas could tell that the redhead didn’t agree with Riku in the slightest.

Xaldin: How--
Demyx: Axel decoder ring. Very handy.

When they arrived at the camp, the SS left the van and made their way into the camp to meet with the commanding officer, Seifer.

Xaldin: And "disciplinary committee" suddenly takes on a whole new meaning.
Demyx: He's totally owning those lame undesirables!
Axel: I wonder if he's knotted the top of his uniform to make a midriff baring shirt.

“I didn’t know you were still working here.” Riku said when they found the master of Buchenwald in his office.

Zexion: This sounds like the set-up for a boss battle all of a sudden.
Axel: You cannot comprehend the true nature of Seifer's Nazism!

They’re gonna go have themselves an execution. Seifer is so excited about it!

In the middle of the courtyard stood a makeshift gallows, a noose hanging ominously in the air, swinging slightly from the barely noticeable breeze.

Axel: They're gonna hang Friar Tuck!
Demyx: HANG FRIAR TUCK?

The half-starving and malnourished men and women were standing in a circle around it and the silence in the group was profound. On the gallows was an SS, guarding the “prisoner” nearby, though the man who was to be executed was bound in handcuffs and made no attempts to escape. He simply stood in place, lips moving slightly as if he were singing or possibly praying.

Axel: Oh for the love of pyrotechnics, didn't we have enough of that pirate song in the Great Strikeout?

“Great turnout, eh?” Seifer’s voice broke the silence and made both Axel and Roxas jump in surprise.

Zexion: At this point, all the good guys and hero characters are ending up nastier Nazis then any of us.
Xaldin: Definitely apologists.

“I agree.” Riku nodded.

Xaldin: Gives new meaning to captive audience.

“Shall we get on with it?”

All: *a la Monty Python* YES, GET ON WITH IT!

“Yes, we might as well.” Seifer looked at the SS on the gallows and yelled, “You may proceed, Augen.”

Demyx: He's named "Eyes"?!
Zexion: Must've named the street in Bakersfield after him.

The SS named Augen nodded once to Seifer and began to speak.

“Do you see the gallows before you?

Demyx: I think the real question is, DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

This is the fate of those who do not follow the rules of the sacred Third Reich.

Axel: It is the fate of a people who will not be slaves again!

This is also the fate of those who try to do harm to others in ways that the Führer would disapprove.

Zexion: When the beating causing harm echoes the beating of the drum...!

This is the fate of sinners, men and women alike.

Xaldin: Hermaphrodites, we're not sure about.

But how do you KNOW he is a ~~witch~~ Jew? Oh wait, we don’t care.

Now, because he attempted to rape a male guard, we know that he is homosexual as well.”

Zexion: Rape never being an assertion of power rather than sexual desire, of course.

Augen now set his cold grey eyes on the man and said, “What do you have to say about that?”

The man clearly could not say anything.

Demyx: He was mute!

He did not cry, nor did he scream in anguish.

Axel: Nor did his eyes become wet with tears. Nor did he rend his clothing, and cry out unto the--
Zexion: *fwaps with Lexicon*

He simply stood still, like he had accepted that there was nothing he could do to save his life.

“Because of these two things, he will now be put to death. And all of you shall watch it!”

Demyx: What if they close their eyes, hmmm?

Augen shouted to the people. “You will watch and see what will happen to you if you commit any of these heinous acts.

Xaldin: They definitely haven't been witness to enough death by execution during their lengthy stay here, have they?

True, we cannot kill everyone on the gallows because they are Jews.

Zexion: Plus it would take too much effort to build them.

You know that and I know that. But you will die by our hands. I’ll make sure of that.” Augen gestured to two SS standing by the steps to the gallows and said,

Demyx: "Release the drop bears!"

“You may begin.”

The two SS marched up the steps quickly and began the process. The blonde loosed the noose slightly whilst the raven-haired SS grabbed the man and dragged him over to the trapdoor where he would plummet to his death.

Demyx: Couldn't they have done all this WHILE Mr. Eyes was blabbing on?

While the obsidian-haired SS stood with the man, the blonde obtained a black bag and placed it over the man’s head, after which the other SS tightened the noose.

Axel: We bagged our own heads and SAVED!

Roxas stood not far away, watching in horror.

All: NAW, DUH.

They weren’t really going to kill him, were they?

Axel: Nawww, after this they're gonna give him ice cream and flowers and send him to Disneyland for free.

That was inhumane. But then again, this was the Third Reich. Nothing was humane anymore.

Demyx: What about the Society?
Zexion: Now it's the INhumane Society.
Demyx: Aww.

Aaaand the dude gets hanged.

“Roxas and I have to finish documenting.”

Zexion: And whine about it all night, too.

“I forgot about that.” Riku said. “I need to speak with Seifer about something. Why don’t you and Roxas wait in the van?”

“Yes, sir.” Axel nodded, giving Riku the Nazi salute before walking off with Roxas.

Demyx: Healing buttsex.....now.

Neither said anything while they were near the courtyard. Axel didn’t think Roxas could say anything. The blue eyes were still widened in horror.

Xaldin: They've been demoted from ocean to cerulean to plain blue.

Only when they were inside the van did Axel dare to ask, “Are you ok, Roxas?”

Demyx: *as Axel* Need a backrub? Some lavender lotion? Candlelight?

“Why?” Roxas whispered after a few moments’ silence.

Axel: 42.

“Why what?” Axel asked gently, seeing that Roxas was clearly in a state of shock.

“Why did he have to die?” Roxas’ voice was still the same.

“Because it’s what Hitler wants.” Axel said.

Axel: You know, I don't think a rape would make it all the way to the head of the damn government.

“But he was innocent!” Roxas exclaimed. “He said he didn’t do it!”

Demyx: ROXAS IS: PHOENIX WRIGHT, ACE NAZI.

“That doesn’t mean anything to them. You know that.” Axel said. “I think it’s wrong, too.”

Zexion: Because if Axel ever disagreed with Roxas they might have to discuss it and have an enriching conversation that deepens their relationship, and we can't have that.

Roxas can’t stand seeing his people suffer! But...

“I can’t stand it either. And I know that I’m not seeing it the same way that you are. I’m not Jewish. But it’s horrible to see these things happening for such a stupid reason like religion or sexual orientation, or something like that.” Axel said.

Demyx: As opposed to GOOD reasons like...
All: ...
Demyx: ...Huh.

“If I could change things, believe me, Roxas, I would have done it a long time ago.

Axel: Shouldn't one of those Beatles songs be appropriate here?

But Hitler won’t listen to anyone. You remember what he did to Rohem? Do you want that to be you, Roxas?”

Xaldin: No, he would rather die safe and sound in his bed than for a noble cause, coward that he is.

“Of course not.” Roxas said.

Demyx: That would just be MEEEEEEEEEEAAAAN to poor widdle Woxas!

“If we try to do something, we’ll end up just like Rohem. I don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on dying any time soon.” Axel said. His voice became much softer when he said, “We can’t prevent these things from happening, but we understand that this is wrong. That’s ok for now.”

Demyx: Yes, that's enough for those twelve million dead. Understanding.

“But we need to tell everyone else.” Roxas said.

“They won’t listen to us. And besides, if we started to spread the truth, we could get kicked out of the SS and you could end up in a place like this.” Axel said grimly.

Xaldin: Then your summer vacations really WOULD be over.

“But he said he didn’t do it.” Roxas said as a tear fell from his eye.

All: EMO NAZI TEAR

“I believe it and I know that you do. We can’t convince everyone else that he was innocent, but we know it’s the truth.” Axel said.

Neither said anything for a few moments. Both were absorbed in their thoughts, which, coincidentally, were the same.

Demyx: Synchronized thinking! The next Olympic event!
Axel: Damn Vulcan mind melds!

They knew that everything around them was wrong. But they couldn’t do anything. All they could do was watch and hope that this hell would soon be over.

Axel: Schindlers are mythical, you know.

Neither Axel nor Roxas said anything about the execution the following day as they meticulously documented artifacts and patrolled the streets of Berlin. Both knew what the other was thinking, yet they were too afraid to say anything, not knowing how the other would react.

Zexion: Their telepathy only goes so far.

A few weeks later, Roxas was watching an interrogation behind a glass window in the lower levels of the Führerbunker when he heard something fall from the stairs followed by grumbles and swears in a voice that he knew all too well.

Demyx: Hitler?
All: ::pause to imagine the glorious sight of Hitler falling down a staircase*

Rolling his eyes yet smiling at the same time, Roxas left the window and made his way to the stairwell, where he opened the door and found Axel sprawled on the floor, the contents of several folders scattered around him.

Xaldin: Not only is this Nazis in high school, it's Nazis in a high school show intended for *middle* schoolers airing on Nickelodeon.
Zexion: *as Axel* OH NO I'M LATE KAWAIIIIIIII DESUUUUUU

“What did you do, Axel?” Roxas smiled as he helped the redhead gather the fallen papers.

Axel: Fell down the stairs! Close the third eye and open the two regular ones, psychic!Roxas.

“I didn’t sleep much last night and I almost fell down the stairs.” Axel shook his head at this clumsiness.

“You should be more coordinated.” Roxas said, handing the papers to Axel. “That or get more sleep.”

Xaldin: Well, you shouldn't have been in the west wing!
Demyx: Why not?
Xaldin: Full of Crimson Jazz.

“The neighbours were having a party last night.” Axel yawned hugely as he followed Roxas out of the stairwell and into the room where Roxas had been. “I fell asleep around three.”

All: WOOOOOOOO OUR HOMES ARE BEING BOMBED WE HAVE NO FOOD OR CLEAN WATER WOOOO

Sora runs in to tell Axel that Xemnas wants him, then exits stage left.

When the two reached the documents room, they found a box of artifacts on the table amongst various sheets of paper with differing titles and handwriting on each. Xemnas was staring at one of these papers in his hand, his cold eyes moving back and forth across the page.

Demyx: Oh shit, he found the fanfic. RUN GUYS

“You called, sir?” Axel asked as he and Roxas exchanged Nazi salutes with the older man.

Xaldin: *as Xemnas* Yes, I was wondering if any of you could read Navajo.

“You documented a gold watch from a Erich Streicher, did you not?” Xemnas’ eyes found Axel’s.

Demyx: They were hiding in the cupboard all along!

“Yes, sir.” Axel nodded.

“Then why is it missing?” Xemnas demanded.

Axel: I stole it, durr.

“I didn’t know it was, to be honest.” Axel said.

Axel: True, I don't know that's it's missing. *pats pocket*

“Was it checked out?” Roxas asked, knowing that artifacts sometimes had to be taken out of the room to be examined closer.

Zexion: Upon closer inspection, we have discovered that this gold watch is, IN FACT, made of gold.

When this happened, the artifact in question was checked out and signed back in when it was returned.

“No, it was not.” Xemnas answered. “At least not according to the paper.”

Demyx: The Nazi Times reports stolen gold watches?
Axel: AND the dates for the next track meet.

“Maybe someone forgot.” Axel said. “It was in the box when I left, sir.”

Axel: I remember distinctly because I took the box when I stole it, sir.

“Very well.” Xemnas said with a twinge of annoyance in his voice. “Maybe Saix had something to do with this.”

Xaldin: Wonderful. Now he'll have to "punish" Saix and we all know how that'll happen.

“Is there anything else, sir?” Axel asked.

Zexion: *as Xemnas* You're a douche.
Axel: Thank you, sir.

“You also documented a ruby necklace from a Marlene von Ichlos, correct?” Xemnas’s voice was firm once again.

Demyx: What, the little kid from Advent Children?
Axel: Always knew she was loaded.

“That is correct.” Roxas couldn’t help but notice how Axel spoke to his superiors. It was a sort of tone that was trying to be respectful, but show that he wanted to be in a higher position at the same time. Or maybe he didn’t want the position at all.

Demyx: Well, it would be one or the other, wouldn't it? Coin flip time!

“You forgot to mention that there are forty-seven emeralds and forty-six sapphires on the chain, von Niemand.”

Zexion: *as Xemnas* We need to document all of these for use as adjectives for character's eyes!

Busywork again? Aw man!

“Does he really expect me to sit and count all of those freaking beads?”

“Probably.” Roxas shrugged. “Everything has to be recorded here.”

Axel: Including the buttsex?
Zexion: "8:05 PM Inserted Tab A in Slot B. 8:06 PM Discovered there was no Slot A 8:07 PM Panicked."

“But the number of beads on a necklace? That’s a bit much.” Axel’s peridot eyes narrowed in frustration, making the already angled eyes look like slits.

Axel: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
Demyx: They can count all those beads out for friendship bracelets.

“Axel, what did Xemnas call you?” Roxas asked,

All: A douche.
Axel: *preen*
Demyx: A weenie. *snickers at own joke*
All: .....
Demyx: ...What?

hoping that he wasn’t touching a nerve.

Xaldin: Or he'll lose at 'Operation.'

Axel was already in a bad mood and he didn’t want to make him madder than he already was; he’d seen that happen.

Axel: What, do I make rain sizzle like in that damn Agent McFlurry fic?
Xaldin: Agent what?
Axel: ....Nevermiiiind.

“My last name.” Axel said, opening the door and walking to the lounge. “Why?”

Zexion: *as Roxas* It sounds like every other last name in this fic, no reason.

“I thought you and Himmler had the same last name?” Roxas frowned as he flopped down on the couch whilst Axel rummaged through the cupboards for something to eat.

“No, I was raised by my aunt, so I had her last name.” Axel shook his head.

Zexion: ...That makes no sense.
Demyx: Aren't you going to make a joke about it?
Zexion: I can't. It just. It doesn't make a bit of sense.

“I didn’t even know Himmler was my father until I was eighteen.”

Xaldin: Nonsense, the generic find-out-important-info-age around then was sixteen.

“So why didn’t you change your name?” Roxas asked.

“Well, Himmler isn’t a very common name, is it? And I don’t want my real mom to know that I’m related to my father.

Axel: ...Trust me, me. She knows.

That would be pretty problematic.” Axel grabbed a stray pretzel on the counter and bit into it.

Demyx: What, no mustard?

“So I kept my last name so my mom doesn’t know who I am.”

“I guess I shouldn’t have assumed otherwise, huh?” Roxas smiled sheepishly.

“No, it’s not your fault. How would you know that?” Axel asked.

Zexion: How in darkness's name could ANYONE know that?
Demyx: But didn't we establish that they were telepaths?

“I mean, it’s not like we talk about last names very much.”

Axel: It's not like we have last names very much.

“And how weird mine is.” Roxas sighed.

“Yeah, what’s up with that?” Axel asked as he bit into the pretzel.

“I have no idea.” Roxas shook his head.

Zexion: *squint* Is this some sort of...of call for help from the characters themselves?
Axel: Yeah because if there's one thing worse than being in OOC-land, it's realizing that one is stuck in OOC-land.
Everyone else: *edges away from the fourth wall* </font>

And then Kairi walks in to say that Demyx wants them and disappears into the depths of space.

Demyx wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation. He was busy watching how Roxas and Axel interacted with each other. It was strange to watch them.

Axel: See, Demyx? This is what "friends" are like!
Demyx: I have friends!

They did so many things unconsciously that many people found weird if a man did it to another man. Like when Axel grabbed Roxas by the hand to prevent the latter from falling into a ditch in the road.

Xaldin: A REAL man would just let him fall into that ditch and take his broken spine like a man!

Sure, it was natural to pull someone out of harm’s way, but most men didn’t grab another man by the hand if it could be avoided.

Zexion: ...Where the hell else is he expecting to grab him by? His dick?

And Roxas always had his eyes on Axel’s, as if he was trying to delve deeper into the redhead’s thoughts.

Demyx: Telepathy practice! *stares into Axel's eyes*
Axel: What I am thinking?
Demyx: Um....Demyx is a really cool guy!
Axel: *thinking* I like burritos.

So could he be right? Could Axel and Roxas be gay for each other? Just watching their little movements seemed to prove this, but he hadn’t observed long enough to make this assumption.

Demyx: I'll have to get more government funding!

On the other hand, the two would definitely grow suspicious if he spent so much time with them.

Zexion: Might think he wants a threesome or something.

Demyx didn’t want to believe his two friends were gay: that meant tragedy in the Third Reich. Tragedy in the sense that they would be sent to death camps and treated as vermin and criminals.

Xaldin: ...Vermin AND criminals?
Demyx: Is that like putting them in mousetraps and then putting those mousetraps in jail?

No, worse than criminals. They would be treated like they were the enemy, that they were the ones who were causing all of the problems in the world, that they were so strange that they shouldn’t be alive at all.

Demyx: Three thousandth verse, same as the first.

People like that deserved to be erased from history.

But Demyx didn’t agree with it at all. He hated the Third Reich, but he couldn’t let anyone know. He was an SS, after all. He’d get kicked out and loose his job if he told people that he hated the Third Reich.

Demyx: Sorry, can't stop one of the greatest evils this world has ever known. Might lose my job.

He didn’t think that people should be treated the way they were. Unfortunately, he couldn’t change what was happening in the world.

All: .....
Zexion: So basically, the entire Organization exists in this fanfic to whine about how Nazism isn't gay enough for them.
Axel: I ACCIDENTALLY THE WHOLE SS.
Demyx: IS THAT DANGEROUS?

But if Axel and Roxas were gay for each other, he wouldn’t say anything. He wouldn’t tell anyone anything about them. After all, who wants to see their friends in death camps for expressing who they really are?

Axel: Gee, they'd have to have no hearts--OH WAIT.
Xaldin: Who needs conflict in fiction? Certainly not us.

This Mother Bleeds Antihistory (PART 3)

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 03:20:53 GMT

Sorry about that long wait, folks! Here we have three more chapters of this eye-searingly offensive story. Yes, it still makes the baby Godwin cry.

-------------------------

Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

Roxas woke up in the middle of the night, wondering why he had woken up so suddenly.

Demyx: Set your alarm for PM instead of AM, looks like.
Axel: The acrid-smelling, damp sheets might hold a clue.

Then he remembered, remembered the woman from the death camp,

Zexion: Remember, remember, the woman from the death camp of Novem...you know, that doesn't work quite the same.

remembered the child, dead in her arms. Remembered her scream.

Axel: Oh come on, she's lucky she had a mouth to scream with.

Drawing his knees to his chest, Roxas rubbed his temple with his fingers. Why was this happening?

Xaldin: Because cutesy poses and angst get the front page of deviantArt.
Demyx: Don't forget the shiny elbows and knees!

Why were the Jews being singled out? It was obvious when he thought about it.

Zexion: Almost as though an invisible force was piping the contents of a tenth-grade history textbook into his head.

The Jews were being blamed because of the Treaty of Versailles, the armistice signed by the Germans to end the war. Which war? WWI.

Xaldin: EEEENT. Back then, it was called the GREAT War. Ten points off.

Blah blah history lesson continues...

And then the Depression hit, which left many Germans worse than before the end of WWI. The lines to the soup kitchens stretched for blocks in Berlin.

Axel: Staffed by Soup Nazis!
Demyx: NO SOUP FOR YOU!

It seemed that no end was in sight, that Germans would be suffering forever.

Xaldin: Author went to history class, but seems to have skipped Economics.
Zexion: She hasn't gone to history class, either.

Then Adolf Hitler stepped into the picture.

Axel: Via some of the portraits in Hogwarts.
Demyx: *stage whisper* Mr. Hitler! Mr. Hitler! Your cue's not till the next scene!

When he ran for the office of Chancellor, Hitler had promised that things would be like they used to.

Axel: Politicians. Always promising, never delivering.
Demyx: Well, he was right, if one considers war, death, mass rape and other assorted disasters as things that once used to be.

It would be like the times before the Great War had started.

Axel: Didn't that involve a lot of unification- and empire-building-wars?

Hitler had often spoken of the Jews and how they were traitors to the German people. How they should be disposed of like the vermin and pestilence that they were.

Eventually Hitler lost the election to von Hindenburg. For some reason, von Hindenburg gave the position of Chancellor to Adolf Hitler, which was great news for most Germans.

Demyx: Heeeey, they copied this plot from Star Wars!
Xaldin: ...I think you have that backwards.

This, however, was the beginning of the nightmare for Roxas. Why?

Axel: Because FREDDIE KRUGER HAD JUST SHOWED UP.

Because he was Jewish.

Axel: ...Or that.

And now the important part of history!

In the early days of the Third Reich, many of the SS and the SA were gay.

Zexion: This is a KH fanfiction. EVERYONE'S gay.

So Hitler’s “purge” of Germany started on June 30, 1934. Among the slain was Ernst Röhm, head of the SA, or the Storm Troopers.

Demyx: Hopefully they replaced him with someone who will actually teach the storm troopers how to shoot instead of blasting at everything on set that's NOT Han Solo or Luke.

Röhm was discovered to be homosexual, which Hitler would not allow at all. He was shot point-blank among others.

Xaldin: ...Why do I get the distinct impression that this was the only part of the class that the author actually paid any attention to?
Zexion: The others were shot point-blank, too? Were they all standing BEHIND him?

So the purification of Germany began.

Axel: As previously seen.

While Roxas is agonizing over the author's history notes, Axel checks in with Hitler.

“I have the causality reports, mein Führer.” Axel said. “14,009 men, 513 women and 87 children are now dead. Most of the deaths have been caused by the gas chambers and starvation.”

Demyx: This having fuck-all to do with causality.
Axel: There's so many men being killed because they're ALL gay.

“That’s very good, indeed.” Hitler looked very pleased with this news. “Is there anything else?”

“Actually, sir, there is.” Axel nodded, adjusting the swastika armband on his left arm.

“What is it?” Hitler implored.

Axel: *as himself* I need to have my armband adjusted, sir.
Xaldin: Imagining Hitler imploring someone makes my head hurt.
Zexion: "Said." Use it. We beg of you.

“There has been a breakout of smallpox in Auschwitz, mein Führer.

Xaldin: *as Axel* And there's been a breakout of fangirl German in this fanfic, but we've got it under containment, sir.

The SS at the camp request more supplies.” Axel said. “Larxene from Dachau says that there are too many in the camp and requests that another camp be built.”

Axel: Damn! Where will we possibly get all the slave labor for such a task at this late hour?!
Demyx: This is starting to sound like someone playing Civilization III: Nazi Edition.

“Who is in charge of that camp?” Hitler questioned.

Demyx: ....What, he doesn't know?
Zexion: Villains from children's cartoon shows are more competent than he is.

“Zexion, sir.” Axel replied.

Axel: *as himself* I've forgotten his bizarre German last name already, sir.

They're going on patrol, or something. You've all seen this before.

“Yeah, great.” Roxas nodded.

Xaldin: *as Roxas* Whoopieeeeeeee.

Now Axel knew something was up. Roxas always liked going on patrol with Axel. Going on patrol meant walking around Berlin and stopping any trouble.

Demyx: AND MAKE IT DOUBLE!
Axel: THEY'RE BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAIN!

The problem was there wasn’t much trouble.

Zexion: It's just in the midst of total war, that's all.

So Axel and Roxas would get to talk the whole time. Yet Roxas didn’t seem excited at all.

Demyx: He secretly wants to start seeing other people.

“Roxas, is something wrong?” Axel asked when they were strolling around the park.

Demyx: *as Roxas* How does she knooooooooow, he loves you...

“What makes you think that?” Roxas asked, watching the birds fly above them.

Axel: Birds, free like the wind! Spirit me away from this desolate land of yaoi and National Socialism! Oh, cruel world! *hams it up* Whence did we cometh, only for this? Alas! Alas! O, Absalom, my son!

“You’re really withdrawn. You don’t seem yourself at all.” Axel said.

Zexion: ...Shouldn't that mean he completely is like himself?

“Roxas, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

Axel: I'll wait a whole two days before telling the Nazi Gossip Column.

Something is on Roxas's mind...

“I haven’t dreamt anything else but the same dream.”

Zexion: The ghost of his father telling him to murder his uncle?

“And what is it?” Axel implored.

Roxas hesitated before he said, “Do you remember when we went to Dachau?”

“Two weeks ago?” Axel frowned. “Yeah, why?”

Xaldin: My, but he came up with that figure quickly.

“When you were talking to Larxene and Zexion, I was looking out the window and I saw this woman.

Demyx: She was going: RETUUUUUURN THE SLAAAAAAAAB.

She looked really bad, Axel. Like she was dying.” Roxas said.

Axel: WOAH, NO SHIT.

“She was running to one of the bunkers and she was holding something. I couldn’t tell what it was at first, but then I realized that it was a baby.” Roxas stopped for a minute, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to form. “Then she started screaming, but I couldn’t tell what she was saying. She kept looking to her baby and then she’d scream louder. Then I realized that it was dead.”

Xaldin: And after that there was some kind of history lesson and then things just got really boring.

A sort of eerie silence followed, broken only by Roxas’ ragged breath.

Demyx: You know, this line could just as easily come after a sex scene.

Clearly, this had shaken the blonde up and Axel couldn’t blame him.

Zexion: Those SS agents and their delicate constitutions.

Roxas tried to say something else but couldn’t and he broke down.

Axel: Right next to a creepy old mansion.
Demyx: Somebody call Triple A!

Stupid Holocaust! Why's it gotta happen?!

“It’s because people don’t understand.” Axel explained.

Xaldin: Being in the SS is such a trying time in one's life.
Zexion: The hormonal changes alone are difficult enough.

“They don’t understand how much it hurts to see things like this or to experience it for themselves. And unless they experience it, they won’t know what it’s like.”

Zexion: Unless they're a protagonist, in which case they can be hypocritical bleeding hearts all over the place.

“This shouldn’t be happening.” Roxas said. “We didn’t do anything wrong. We never have and we never will.”

Axel: I say Adam Sandler is pretty dang wrong.

“I know that and you know that.” Axel said, still holding the blonde closely to his chest. “As long as we know that, it’s ok. It won’t stop what’s happening, but we know that this is wrong.”

Axel: ....No. No, it is not okay, and right now the only thing that can MAKE this okay is self-immolation as protest.

For a while, neither moved or said anything.

Zexion: This carried about the same level of interest as the rest of the fic.

Axel simply held on to Roxas while tears streamed down the blonde’s face. Nothing they could do would stop the crisis that was occurring in Germany. They knew that.

Demyx: They're from...THE FUTUUUURE!
Xaldin: The Doctor would've fixed this.

Some things in life were hard and things like this didn’t make it any easier.

Axel: Yeah man, massive genocide. Just a part of life.
Demyx: And it mooooooooves us aaaaaall...

A few weeks later, Hitler had announced the beginning of the bombing in London, also known as the blitz, or lightning.

Demyx: REAL LIGHTNING!
Axel: IT'S LIKE ADDING NAZIS TO AN ELECTRICAL STOOOOORM!
Xaldin: Gotta take out that English QB before he can throw the ball.

It was simply, really. The Luftwaffe, the German Air Force,

Demyx: Does it have rofflecopters?

would bomb cities to the point where they wouldn’t be on the map.

Zexion: Bombed them into another dimension.

Strategic places were bombed first; places like factories and military bases. All else was saved for last.

Axel: If it were me doing this bombing, the first place to go would be the site of the invention of the deep-fried mars bar.

Roxas and Axel could tell that the German people were getting excited about the war.

Zexion: So wait, there was all that doom and gloom last chapter and it's only 1940? When, exactly, was the Final Solution put into effect, again? Hmm?

They thought that they would win, that they were going to show the world what they could have done back in WWI. Axel and Roxas, however, knew how foolish this was.

Xaldin: They'd already seen the Spielberg movies.
Axel: Yeah, what makes them think that having the most advanced military and some of the best generals this world has ever seen would make them likely to win?

Axel, Roxas and Sora discuss invading Russia.

“But what about the temperature? It can get pretty damn cold in Russia.”

Xaldin: It'll build character.

“That’s what the Führer’s worried about.” Sora said, taking a drink of his iced tea. “We might not have enough supplies to live through the winters.”

Zexion: Insert appropriate Eddie Izzard routine....here!

“Is he going to invade at all?” Axel asked.

“I think so. Why?” Sora asked.

Axel: Poor little Warsaw Pact. Guess he gets to stay with all the homeless refractory periods.

But Axel knows invading Russia is a waste of time.

“We should head back.” Axel said, finishing the last of his potato salad. “We have to finish our rounds.”

Axel: Can't make it look like we ditched to hang around the local coffee shop and try and look older to impress those parasitic college students!

“Yeah, I need to meet with Göebbles and Hess.” Sora said as they stood up. “Stupid report…”

Zexion: *as Sora* Mr. Hitler wants FOUR WHOLE PAGES done by Friday! Double-spaced!
Demyx: That's why I just did the diorama project.

“On what?” Roxas asked.

“The conditions of the concentration camps and the morale rate from the troops.” Sora rolled his eyes as he left.

Zexion: And compare and contrast them to the major themes in "To Kill a Mockingbird."

“So how much more do we have to do today?” Roxas asked as he and Axel went down Zweisenstrasse.

Demyx: Woah, check it out! The streets are German now!
Xaldin: Guess now they gotta beer-batter all their food instead of boiling it.

“I dunno. I think we have a rally later today.” Axel shrugged.

Axel: *as self* But I heard it from this totally flaky volleyball player, so. Yeah.

“I didn’t hear about that.” Roxas frowned. “When?”

Zexion: Between lunch and fourth period, like always.

“Later tonight. There’s supposed to be some big dinner, but we have to go to the rally.” Axel said.

“Wouldn’t Himmler tell us about a rally?” Roxas raised an eyebrow.

“He told me.” Axel said.

Zexion: You self important special snowflake, you.

“So why wouldn’t he tell me?” Roxas frowned.

“I have no idea, Roxas.” Axel shrugged. “We’d better get ready, though.”

“Where’s it being held?” Roxas asked.

Axel: In the gym, where it always is!

“At the gym on Augenstrasse.” Axel replied.

Axel: ...Oh fuck that.
Xaldin: The pep band will be stationed under the basketball hoops.

“How are we going to fit the SS in there?!” Roxas exclaimed, clearly shocked. “It’s miniscule!”

Zexion: Undersized! Microscopic! Diminutive!
Axel: They can always just move it out to the track.

“Hey, it’s not my ideal choice for a rally.” Axel shrugged noncommittally. “I think the Führer wants to have the actual rally on the track behind the gym.”

Axel: ...FUCKING MOTHER OF TWILIGHT.
Zexion: Axel, don't take Smeyer's name in vain.

“So we’ll have the dinner in the gum. Well, I hope they have good food, at least.” Roxas said.

“Probably not.” Axel grimaced. “They never do.”

Demyx: Yeah, the company that the school buys the food from has some kind of monthly eggplant parmesan quota.

“Remember the time you got sick from the coleslaw?” Roxas grinned, causing butterflies to erupt in Axel’s stomach.

Xaldin: So, Roxas's love for Axel is the equivalent of food poisoning.
Axel: That sounds about right.

“Oh yeah.” Axel stuck out his tongue in disgust. “Man, that was gross.”

Zexion: And the coleslaw was pretty bad, too.

Roxas and Demyx head off to go sort through valuables.

“Nothing, why?” Roxas frowned, turning over a picture frame to look at the back.

“You two spend a lot of time together.” Demyx replied as he fingered a pearl necklace.

Demyx: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW NO I DON'T!
Zexion: Not THAT pearl necklace, you dolt!
Demyx: .....I knew that!

“Because we’re friends, Demyx.” Roxas said. “Nothing more.”

Zexion: If I were a Nazi shithead trying to deflect suspicions of homosexuality, planting the idea that there could be anything more to the relationship is possibly the last thing I would do.

“Yeah, if you say so.”

Demyx didn’t really want to say anything on the matter. He could tell that there was something going on between the two SS, even if they both denied it.

Demyx: Woah, my gaydar is suddenly functioning perfectly!
Axel: This kind of transparency doesn't even NEED gaydar.

It seemed like they were a little closer than friends, even closer than best friends.

Xaldin: BESTEST best friends, in fact.
Zexion: Perhaps even closer.

Holy crap, they were gay.

Axel: In other news, Catholic Bearpope does, in fact, shit in the woods.

Demyx shook his head. That was a bit of a stretch. But was it possible?

Demyx: Apparently I have ninja gaydar: Here and gone and nobody knows!

Axel always looked at Roxas a certain way and Roxas avoided looking into Axel’s eyes,

Demyx: Because of Axel's geass.

So, you down for that school rally tonight?

Roxas said with a nod. “We can’t really get out of this since we’re in the SS.”

Zexion: Student government does have its downsides.

“Yeah, Himmler wouldn’t like that at all.” Demyx shook his head.

Demyx: Gawd, it sucks having your bff's dad on the faculty.

“What is the rally for, anyway?” Roxas implored.

Axel: Fundraiser for the track and field team.

“Probably the Führer talking about the Third Reich again.” Demyx replied. “I really have no idea.”

Zexion: Why am I not surprised.

“It’ll be interesting, that’s for sure.” Roxas said with a sigh.

Demyx nodded and said, “Definitely.”

Axel: I'm thrilled. Are you guys thrilled? I am SO thrilled.
Zexion: Ecstatic.
Xaldin: I can hardly contain my excitement.
Demyx: ...You guys DO know that I totally got that pearl necklace thing, right?

As soon as Roxas turned on Augenstrasse,

Xaldin: ..."Eye Street?"
Zexion: Isn't that in Bakersfield?

he knew that Axel had been right about the rally.

Axel: obviously I'm right. It's me.

He could hear the noise from down the street.

Demyx: Neat, they got the Jonas Brothers to perform there.

All of the lights in the gym were on and music was playing. Roxas couldn’t make out any of the words, but he could tell that a female was crooning in the background.

Axel: Rally, cabaret style! Eeeeeexcellent.
Demyx: When you walk away, you don't hear me say, pleee-
Other three: *SMACK*

When he entered, Roxas saw a sea of SS uniforms and crimson swastika armbands that matched the one on his left arm.

Demyx: *as Roxas* Ohmigod, they all have the same armband as me, I need to go home and change right now!

Tugging unconsciously at the symbol, Roxas searched for Axel. He found the redhead conversing with Demyx at a table on the opposite side of the room.

Xaldin: Tables? This sounds less like a rally and more like a graduation dinner.
Zexion: Maybe it's winter formal.

“It’s about time you show up, Roxas.” Axel smiled when Roxas reached them.

Zexion: Is it now?
Axel: I am so much cooler than past tense.

“At least I’m here, huh?” Roxas rolled his eyes, though he, too, was smiling. “Anything good happen yet?”

Zexion: Vexen jumped in the punch bowl, it was wild.

“Not really.” Demyx shook his head. “The Führer has been talking with people all night. The actual rally won’t start until three in the morning if this keeps up.”

Demyx: Oh, like the Oscars.

And everyone is sorted into alphabetical order! ...For some reason.

A few seconds later, the Führer of Germany came to a pedestal and started to speak.

Demyx: *as Hitler* Mawwage. Mawwage ith wot bwingth uth togethah, today.

Roxas tried to listen, but he found what Hitler had to say boring.

Axel: Isn't it just like one of the loudest, most dramatic and most persuasive public speakers of the 20th century to be a huge bore? Gawd.
Xaldin: I see Hitler's reputation as a fascinating orator is another historical fact gone by the wayside.

He knew he should have listened, but he just didn’t find it interesting.

Axel: Too busy texting his friends on Twitter.

He’d heard the same story ever since he joined the SS. The story of how Germany should be purified, how all the undesirables should be eliminated by any means possible…

Zexion: Just since joining the SS? What was he before, deaf?

Roxas knew that when people learned about this hundreds of years from now, they’d focus on the Jews and only the Jews.

Axel: In the future, we will not have gay, disabled, or Romani peoples' right activists. Roxas knows because he is speshul like that.

They wouldn’t know that there were others who had died. That’s what the term ‘undesirables’ meant.

Xaldin: If I had to wager a guess, I'd say that it meant things or persons that were not desired.

You’ve heard all this before.

Then again, the redhead hadn’t cared that Roxas was Jewish. But homosexuality was completely different from being Jewish.

Xaldin: For one, you don't have to tell your mother you're Jewish.

And what if someone other than Axel heard that Roxas was probably gay? If someone heard, they could turn him in.

Xaldin: Or they could just bash his head in themselves and take all the credit.
Axel: Ah, Captain Obvious of the HMS Naw Duh. We meet again.

Then he’d be sent off to a concentration camp to most likely die. Hitler wouldn’t like the fact that one of his SS was Jewish and gay.

Zexion: And gay? One or the other would be fine, but we can't have both?

Those thoughts were forbidden in Germany.

Demyx: Big Hitler is watching you!
Zexion: ...Not paying very close attention, is he.

And many other places because Hitler was taking over countries right and left.

Xaldin: Because Jews and gays in the rest of Europe have it all sunshine and lollipops, do they?

Roxas thought it was bad enough when Poland was invaded,

Demyx: After all, who cares about Czechoslovakia?
Axel: Not me!

but then Germany invaded France and then the blitz started…Hitler was trying to spread his ideals throughout the world and it looked like he just might do it.

A few minutes later, Roxas realized that Hitler had finished speaking and the rally was breaking up.

Axel: Phew, close one! If the author had to write what Hitler was saying, she might've had to do some actual research!

Demyx had been summoned by Himmler for one reason or another,

Demyx: One reason or another? I think it's pretty obvious that the reason is to remove the third wheel.

so the blonde searched through the sea of SS for Axel.

Axel: *as Roxas* HELP, I'M DROWNING IN NAZI!
Demyx: *plays* Bring before me what is mine...at the seven seas of Nazi!

“Did you fall asleep standing up or something?” Axel asked when the two had left the gym.

“No, why?” Roxas asked.

Axel: *as himself* 'Cause you were snoring.

So what’s this about?

“May I ask what you were thinking about?” Axel asked as they crossed the street after waiting for a car to pass them.

Zexion: Just a couple've feet to the left and this fic would be over early.
All: Damn.

“It’s kind of personal…” Roxas flushed.

Demyx: It was...your dad in fishnets and nothing else.
Zexion: *slaps him with Lexicon, open to Unsee, Cannot*

“Okay, I won’t force you.” Axel said quickly.

Xaldin: Ten thousand yaoi fanfics beg to differ.

Does Axel mind the other undesireables? Of course not, he’s just an SS officer, not a prejudiced bigot!

“I was just wondering.” Roxas said quickly, fighting back the blush that was threatening to take over his features.

Axel: Including his knees and elbows!

“I feel the way you do.”

“That’s all?” Axel raised an eyebrow.

“That’s all.” Roxas nodded.

Demyx: That's all, folks! *Looney Tunes riff*

“Okay, if you say so.” Axel looked suspiciously at the blonde.

When Axel parted from Roxas a few moments later, he replayed the conversation in his mind, looking for hidden meanings in Roxas’ words.

Xaldin: Buy Coca-Cola.
Demyx: Paul is dead.
Axel: Kill your parents.

What had he really been trying to figure out?

Demyx: Axel! You never told me you were a neurotic!

The Mother Bleeds Antihistory - (PART TWO)

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 01:29:05 GMT

Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

Axel walked out the door of his apartment and gradually made his way to the Führerbunker. The redhead didn’t feel like going in to work,

Xaldin: So he "called in sick."
Zexion: Who knew the SS had temp positions.

but Himmler had told him that he would be doing something interesting with Roxas, Saix and Sora.

Axel: Orgy?
Xaldin: *nods* Orgy.
Zexion: ...is Himmler setting his son up...?

This alone made Axel somewhat weary. What Heinrich Himmler thought was interesting was entirely different from what Axel thought was interesting.

Zexion: Ah, so Himmler's too vanilla for him.

Though he had no idea what it was, Axel knew his father and this meant that it wouldn’t be something ordinary people wanted to do or see.

Axel: So it was HIMMLER who was behind Two Girls One Cup!

When he walked into the Führerbunker, he saw Roxas waiting with Saix.

Demyx: Waiting tables!
Xaldin: *as Saix* WHO ORDERED THE FINAL SOLUTION SPECIAL?

Nobody knows what they're doing—oh wait no, they're going to visit a death camp.

“When are we leaving, anyway?” Axel wanted to know in an attempt to change the subject.

“Around 9.” Saix said.

Checking his watch, Axel said, “But it’s 9:14 now.”

Zexion: German efficiency at work. *slowclap*

“We were supposed to go then, but Sora’s not here yet.” Roxas explained.

Demyx: Well that's 'cause--WAIT
Axel: Woah WOAH WOAH WOOOOAH BACK THAT CATTLE CAR TRAIN UP, GUYS

“I am now, thank you very much.”

The three men turned and saw Sora von Zeiben walking toward the group.

Axel: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DARKNESS, TWILIGHT AND LIGHT
Xaldin: Ten munny says this fic was written by one of those crazy Organization apologists.
Demyx: ...We have apologists?
Zexion: ........."Von Zeiben?"

Again, the men gave the Nazi salute and sat down before continuing the discussion.

“Where’s your father, Axel?” Sora wanted to know.

Zexion: Von Zeiben.
Xaldin: What, you were expecting maybe "Von Hikari"?

The troop heads off to Auschwitz! Because it's SO EASY to get from Berlin to Poland.

A few hours later, Sora, Roxas, Axel and Saix were following Himmler into Auschwitz.

Xaldin: So they built bullet trains in Berlin while the Holocaust was going on, I see.

The whole death camp smelled of rotting flesh. This was, according to Himmler, because of the crematoriums that were the pride and joy of the death camp.

Axel: Then wait, wouldn't it smell like burning flesh?

While Himmler was meeting with the head of the camp, the others were left to document the process of ‘eliminating the Jews’, as Himmler said.

Xaldin: And he says it so woodenly.

Sora and Saix went together whilst Axel and Roxas went as a pair.

Demyx: There's another one of those Freudian spills off a cliff into a sea of Freud.

What they saw was too horrible for words.

Zexion: ...Yet despite this, they're going to give us some words.

One of the first things they saw was a pile of shoes. This wasn’t a small pile, mind you. This was a huge pile of shoes.

Demyx: The Mount Everest of shoes, you could say!
Xaldin: It was the Alps, made of shoes.
Axel: And the weirdest part was, they were all LEFT shoes.

Men’s, women’s children’s, some were so small that they might have belonged to infants. Roxas told Axel that the shoes were going to be sold or burned to be made into other products.

Demyx: Shoe ash: An important ingredient in this balanced breakfast!

After that, the two SS found the room where the valuables were kept.

Xaldin: Not if it's in the basement, they won't find it.

Blah blah here are the valuables.

Axel looked at the walls surrounding them. On the walls were pictures of Jews, yet Axel didn’t see them as Jews.

Demyx: Oh no! They're all...VAMPIRES!

He saw them as humans, humans who were being tortured and wanted to stay alive.

Xaldin: ...To be tortured more, I'm supposing?
Axel: Here comes that convenient contemporary influence again! *chugs beer*

There were women who hardly looked like women because of the dirt and grime on their faces.

Demyx: ...what, because Real Women are always pretty and never dirty?

Men looked like twigs from the lack of food given to them.

Zexion: A yaoi fangirl's ideal male body, sounds like.

Children with their ribs fully visible for the same reason.

Xaldin: Sentence fragments, begging for independent clauses!

Nearby was a photograph of a crematorium oven with a hand in the door.

Zexion: WHY are these on the wall? Motivational posters?
Xaldin: Must've got them all from despair.com.

It was perched just above the handle, like someone had been thrown in alive and was giving one last attempt to stay alive.

Axel: *points* IT'S THE OVEN MAN!
All: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

This was too much for Axel.

Xaldin: Quit the SS, kill yourself. Problem solved.

The redhead slowly walked out of the office, forgetting Roxas entirely and going to get some fresh air.

Axel: Gonna go puke on the SS family bus, bee-are-bee.

But the air in Auschwitz was anything but fresh.

Demyx: Auschwitz sounds like it needs a Glade Plug-in.

Axel didn’t know what he had been thinking, but he should have known that this was not going to be like going on holiday.

Axel: Hey, can we get that jawdrop macro back in here? And just replace everything we say with it? Please?
Zexion: More confirmation that they're secretly in Great Britain.

Axel is disturbed by this concentration camp!

“What’s the deal with this, anyway? Why do all of the Jews have to be tortured? They haven’t done anything wrong!”

Axel: Glad to see the protagonists are immune to propaganda and over a millennium of scapegoating, persecuting, and general hatred.

“You know how the Führer feels about the Jews, Axel. He’ll stop at nothing to kill them and make them suffer along the way.” Roxas said.

Demyx: You know, thusfar this fic has made it sound like Hitler just wants all their stuff.

“Well, this whole Third Reich is pointless.” Axel said, still looking very pale.

Axel: Who's up for a Fourth Reich instead!

“We should be helping these people, not torturing and killing them!”

Xaldin: Right so. What're you gonna do about it?
Zexion: They'll have gay sex. That'll show 'em how much they care.

“Everyone thinks Hitler’s the best thing that’s happened to Germany. They don’t really know what he’s been doing.”

Demyx: The can-can?

Roxas said, staring at the dirt on the ground.

“He got Germany out of the Depression and that’s all people care about.” Axel said bitterly. “The German people don’t care if millions are dying at Hitler’s hand!”

“I care and I take it that by the way you’re talking to me now, Axel, you care.” Roxas said.

Demyx: *sings* Why should I worry! Why should I caaaaare!~
Zexion: This fic sounds like it was written by an insurance salesman.

“Of course I do.” Axel said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Axel: My refusal to do anything but whine about it clearly demonstrates how much I care!

“We need to tell people what’s going on.” Roxas said.

“That’s going to be hard when we’re in the SS ourselves.” Axel said with a short laugh. “Nobody will believe us.”

Xaldin: THEN QUIT YOUR FUCKING SUMMER JOB.

Roxas has a BIG SECRET!

“I’ll probably get killed anyway.” Roxas said.

“Why would you say that, Roxas?” Axel asked in alarm.

Axel: OH BOY GUYS, HERE IT COMES.

“No one knows what I’m about to tell you, Axel. I’m telling you this not as a fellow SS, but as your best friend.” Roxas said “And I hope you can keep this a secret.”

Axel: *as Roxas* I'm gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide!

“Of course I will.” Axel vowed.

Axel: Not like no one saw it coming. *takes a swig of beer*

“I’m Jewish.” Roxas admitted.

Axel: *sprays beer everywhere* SPFFFFFTTTFFFHHHHFFFFFFFFFF

Chances are high that Roxas will end up in a camp! ...Or not.

“You could have six heads and three arms for all I care.

Axel: Of course, then I'd have to get up on his back and all that.
Zexion: Oh, he'll be doing that anyway.

I’ll still be your friend.”

“I think I would have died already if I had six heads and three arms.”

Demyx: Lucky bastard.

Roxas said with a small smile. “So you won’t tell Himmler?”

“Of course not.” Axel shook his head. “He’d have you in a place like this in no time.”

Axel: In fact, he's already got him there!
Demyx: ZING.

“Okay.” Roxas said.

He continued his conversation with Axel, but the mood had lightened somewhat.

Xaldin: Nothing cheers a body up like being a Jew in wartime Germany.

Roxas felt so relieved to let Axel know that the former was Jewish. Yet Roxas had another secret that was forbidden in the Third Reich.

Axel: AHA, I KNEW IT.
Zexion: Now it's just going to take four or five chapters for him to admit that, too.
Axel: ...Dammit.

At least, he thought he knew. The feeling was still sleeping, still undeveloped in his heart, though Roxas had a very good idea about what the feeling was. And Adolf Hitler would not like it.

Zexion: Does Hitler actually like anything?

As soon as Axel walked into the Führerbunker, he knew something was wrong.

Demyx: HITLER was in it!

For one thing, it was the messiest the redhead had ever seen it before. Papers were scattered across the floor like a tornado had swept through. Pictures were knocked off the wall and glass littered the floor like grains of sand.

Zexion: So are the days of our Nazis.
Xaldin: Operation Valkyrie. Ten munny. Any takers?

When Axel walked further into the Nazi headquarters, he found Roxas and Saix waiting for him.

Zexion: *as Saix* Here, Axel. Grab a hammer and start smashing up stuff.
Axel: Looks like someone couldn't find the moogle points.

After the three gave the standard salute, the conversation began.

Zexion: After the writer exposited some more, the writing continued to stagnate.
Demyx: I bet this author mostly did the TELLING part of 'show and tell' in Kindergarden.

“What in the name of all that is holy happened?” Axel wanted to know.

“Some people came in here and demanded that they saw the Führer. When Kairi said no, they opened fire.” Saix began.

Zexion: They also demanded that they use proper tenses, and were refused.
Xaldin: Such a well-guarded secret headquarters, isn't it?
Axel: Well what were they expecting w--JESUS H. CHRIST ON A BLUE BERSERKER, KAIRI'S A NAZI, TOO?!

It was at this moment that the redheaded SS took notice of the many bullet holes in the walls and the equal number of casings on the floor.

All: *slowclap*

“So what happened?” Axel persisted.

Zexion: What part of "shootout" do you not understand? The "shoot" or the "out?"

Who caused this shootout madness in the Nazi headquarters? Oh, it's not important. They go searching for their missing buds.

“What is it now?” Saix asked impatiently.

“Vexen and Luxord are gone as well.” A panting Marluxia announced.

Axel: Vexen is Mengele. One thousand munny. Any takers?
Xaldin: At this point, I'm just putting my munny on aliens.
Demyx: Like that one Star Trek episode!

“Do you know where they took off to?” Roxas queried.

“That’s why we’re looking, Roxas!” Riku exclaimed.

“Well, did anyone happen to see which direction they took off in?” Axel asked in an attempt to bring the group back together.

Zexion: Sweet darkness, it's a wonder the Third Reich didn't collapse in on itself years before Normandy.

“Xaldin said that he was talking to Hess and Göering when they took off.” Marluxia said.

Zexion: Which explains exactly fuck-all.

“And where did they go?!” Saix exclaimed.

“Down 15th street.” The pink haired SA member announced.

All: .............
Xaldin: You know, I'm starting to get an idea of why Hitler committed suicide.

Doot doo doo, searching searching...

When they arrived at 15th street, the SS stopped and looked around for signs of Vexen, Luxord and Demyx.

Zexion: If you smell incompetence, pretentiousness or nonchalance, you're probably close.

“Where should we start?” Saix asked upon their arrival at 15th Street.

“Anywhere.” Roxas said.

“I’ll start looking in backyards.” Axel said, “Roxas, you can check the houses with me.”

Xaldin: Mother of Twilight, Dora the Explorer could find them faster than these two.

“Wait a minute!” Saix exclaimed. “What about me?”

Axel: Go find a blue flower with red thorns!

“You can check the surrounding areas.” Axel told the blue-haired SS. “Parks, gyms…”

Axel: Dumpsters, strip clubs, doghouses, bell towers, outlet malls...
Zexion: Because the best place to hide hostages is...a wide-open public area, naturally.

“All right.”

And with that, Nazi salutes were given and the SS took off in different directions.

Demyx: LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG!

Well, Saix took off in a different direction than Axel and Roxas.

“What happens if we find them?” Roxas asked as he walked up the steps of a random house.

“We go find Saix and tell him that we can go home.” Axel said as he walked to the backyard of said house.

Zexion: Because, like, hostage situations are, like, so boring and like I need to finish reading Breaking Dawn!

Axel finds Luxord in a...garden shed?

They met up with Roxas, who looked very glad to have found at least one of the missing SS.

Axel: Hey, I'M the one that did all the finding. Sidequest experience points go to ME.

“Where’s Saix?” Roxas asked.

“He should be around here somewhere.” Axel responded.

Demyx: Just look for another blue pawprint!
Zexion: I'd suggest blazing neon signs, but I don't think it'd help.

“You don’t even know where he is…” Luxord sighed.

Axel: I hate it when the fic steals my words.

“He went looking for you guys around the parks.” Roxas explained.

“At least I know that we’re somewhat needed.” Luxord rolled his eyes.

Axel: Well if they don't need Luxord, they can always fire him and then go hire BELLE or TRON or QUEEN MINNIE for all I know.

“Well, we’d be in some deep trouble if we lost you guys.” Axel said.

Xaldin: How would they appease the blonde-fetishists?

“Let’s go find Saix.”

It took the three men about half an hour to find the blue-haired SS.

Zexion: It somehow managed to be even more boring than what we just read.

They eventually found Saix inspecting a grocery store, scaring the daylights out of the innocent customers.

Xaldin: Sidequest within a sidequest, looks like.
Demyx: *as Saix* GIVE ME ALL YOUR KINDER EGGS, AND NOBODY GETS IT!

“Saix, I said parks, not stores.” Axel sighed when they pulled Saix out of the store.

Demyx: WUAH-WUAH-WUAH-WUAAAAUUAAAH!
Xaldin: *as Saix* But they had a sale on sauerkraut and schnitzel!

“At least I was looking!” Saix exclaimed, looking very cross indeed.

Axel: "Cross?" What is this, a Victorian novella?

Where the heck is everyone else? Who cares?

“We can wonder why Vexen is here later.”

“We can ask him when we find him.” Roxas said.

“If he’s alive.” Saix said.

Zexion: Or if he's dead. The response will make about the same amount of sense either way.

“You’re a right little ray of sunshine, aren’t you, Saix?” Luxord shook his head.

“Got that right.” Saix said.

Axel: Witty Banter -- D; Very Poor, please see me after class.

“He was being sarcastic.” Roxas told the blue-haired Nazi.

“I know, Roxas.” Saix snapped.

Demyx: HA HA HA HA THIS IS PLEASANT.
Axel: MY AMUSEMENT KNOWS NO BOUNDS HA HA.

It took the group a little over an hour to find Vexen and Demyx. As it turned out, Demyx had put up quite a fight and managed to knock his abductor unconscious.

Demyx: GO ME!

And then Vexen carries his abductor aaaaall the way back to headquarters.

Upon their arrival at the Führerbunker, Saix went with Riku, Sora and Xaldin to arrest the family who owned the backyard that Luxord was found in. Himmler was giving out orders right and left, which suited his position in the Third Reich.

Zexion: No, really?

Roxas and Axel were given the boring yet important task of cleaning up the Führerbunker. As he swept broken glass into a dustbin that Roxas was holding, Axel couldn’t help but feel that they were going to be pulling another overtime.

Xaldin: Without overtime pay or bennies, for that matter.
Axel: Just another beautiful day in Naziland!
Demyx: So...what the HELL was this chapter about, anyway?

A few weeks later, not much had changed in Germany.

Zexion: A couple air raids here, a few death camps there...

Jews and other undesirables were being loaded into trains and were deported to extermination camps. Hitler was still a very prominent figure of the Third Reich.

Axel: PREVIOUSLY, ON "THAT'S OUR NAZI."

Axel and Roxas were still as close as ever, trying to hide the fact that Roxas was Jewish.

Xaldin: If he's exposed to a dredel, he'll transform into SUPERJEW.

So far, they had been lucky, but the seemingly Aryan SS could be discovered at any moment.

Demyx: Like anything's going to happen to the Designated Uke.

Roxas had just entered the Führerbunker when he was tackled by Demyx.

Demyx: I guess "at any moment" means RIGHT NOW!
Axel: DINO, NO! DOWN DINO, DOWN!

The blonde flew backwards and hit the wall with a dull thud.

Axel: Knocking him unconscious and giving him amnesia!
Zexion: If only.

“What gives, Demyx?” Roxas glared at the other SS as he rose to his feet.

“We’re going to a death camp today.” Demyx said,

Axel: Yippie skip! *claps hands*

They're gonna go visit dear Zexy at Dachau.

“So where’s Axel?” Roxas frowned, noticing the redhead’s absence.

Zexion: Got detention and is staying after class.

“He’s with Himmler right now.” Demyx said. “He should be back in a few, though.”

Zexion: Oh, a parent-teacher conference. My mistake.

More inane conversation here.

The three Nazis turned and saw the blue-haired SS that was Saix slouch over to the group.

Xaldin: Of all the people to have NOT gaily goosestepping along...
Axel: Now that everyone's here, we can start practice for the school musical!
Demyx: *sings* It's springtiiiiime, for Hitleeeer, and Germany....

“So let’s get going.” Demyx said. “I call shotgun!”

Axel: Yeah, well I call bullshit.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Saix said.

“I’m driving.” Axel said.

Zexion: Great, this increases our chances of dying horribly in an accident by about 60%.

“I’ll get shotgun, then.” Roxas said. “I don’t trust Demyx near a steering wheel.”

Demyx: ...Am I going to be using it from the *passenger* side?
Xaldin: I always knew Demyx was a big backseat driver.

“I’m not destructive.” Demyx scowled as they made their way to the van and clambered in.

“Oh, yes you are.” Axel said, starting the engine.

Demyx: Am not! Less so than you, anyways!
Axel: I'm not destructive, just combustible.

One uneventful road trip over to the death camp later...

After parking the car, they made their way to the office building where records were kept so they could meet Zexion.

Xaldin: I shudder to think what kind of "records" Lexicon contains now.
Zexion: *flinches, strokes Lexicon's spine*

Upon entering the building, Roxas’ eyes saw a simple office. A desk was on one side of the room in front of a window of the camp.

Axel: Next to a poster of a starved prisoner in a camp with the phrase HANG IN THERE, BABY.

The desk contained several items like folders, pens, a lamp and a copy of Mein Kampf, the autobiography of Adolf Hitler.

Demyx: Right next to a copy of 'Mein Kampfy Chair,' the autobiography of Hitler's chair.

On the wall opposite this window was a map of Europe with red pins marking death camps, green pins marking labour camps and a blue pin marking the Führerbunker.

Xaldin: The care for security is astounding.
Zexion: Looks like they were playing 'pin the tail on the Führerbunker.'

The boundaries separating the various countries were yellow, unlike most maps.

Zexion: Because this detail is...very important?
Axel: Fitting, as Hitler generally pissed on the concepts of those boundaries.

Next to this map was a large map of Germany and next to this was a swastika in a white circle on a red background. On the wall opposite the door was a fireplace that was currently not in use.

Demyx: Until the Doctor suddenly burst through it!

Small talk about their living hell car trip! They have to build another death camp.

“Why’s that?” Roxas frowned.

“There are too many here.” Larxene spoke for the first time. “I have too many people and not enough time to perform experiments on all of them.”

Xaldin: And building a new death camp with increase the number of hours in the day. Yes. Of course.
Axel: Larxene: the other, more female Vexen!

“Does the Führer know this?” Axel asked.

“I told Himmler to tell him, but I don’t know if he has yet.” Zexion said, looking at Axel in particular.

“Father didn’t say anything to me before we left, Zexion.” Axel said. “Did you tell him directly?”

Xaldin: Himmler says that Goering says that Goebbels said that Goeth wants to go to the dance with you.
Zexion: *rubs temples*

“Yes.” Zexion said, sitting down at his desk.

“And I am running out of supplies.” Larxene said, placing her hands on her hips.

Demyx: *as Larxene* Gawd, this whole death camp thing is so last Reich.

Roxas tuned out the conversation and allowed his ocean blue eyes to wander out the window. The death camp here wasn’t as bad as Auschwitz, but it was bad enough.

Xaldin: There was slightly less death.

The barracks were in horrid conditions, certainly not one fit for living.

Axel: That's why they call it a death camp.

A layer of filth seemed to cover the entire camp. The smell of burning flesh filled the air and was still present in the office, away from the crematoriums.

Zexion: My, what would the union would have to say about these working conditions?

A short distance away laid a pile of belongings that were being searched by other SS.

Demyx: Maybe The Precious is in its pocket.

Roxas spies one of the prisoners! Long and depressing description is go!

He was just horrified that a person could look like that and still be alive. One woman had legs so thin that they could hardly hold up her body.

Demyx: Luckily, she had steel beam supports!
Zexion: So basically, like the runways in Milan or Paris?

All that was left of her hair was a few patches of what had once been black hair. The arms looked just the same as her legs

Xaldin: She's not trying to support herself by her arms, is she?

and the ribs were clearly visible. In her arms was a small baby that looked just as bad, if not worse, than she did. The head was small along with the rest of the body; smaller than a normal baby would be. Roxas wondered if this was the result of what the camp had done to it or if it was just premature.

Demyx: Uh...yes?
Zexion: Really, a lot of this fic is premature.

The woman kept looking helplessly at the child in her arms as she screamed words that Roxas couldn’t understand. After looking at the baby again, he understood. It was dead.

Demyx: HE'LL SEE BABIES! SO MANY BABIES!
Axel: 400 DEAD BABIES!

Had it died from starvation? Or was it a gas used by the camp? Roxas had no idea, but he really didn’t care. There was no reason for the baby to be dead.

Zexion: Yes there is. To yank at one's heartstrings so that any accusations against the fic would get the commenter called not only homophobic but also anti-Semitic.

It was too horrible to watch. Roxas tore his eyes away from the woman and made himself listen to the conversation, though the sound of her screams still echoed in his ears.

Axel: I predict pleasant dreams for our young Roxas!
Demyx: ...Did this fic seriously just force us to make jokes about dead babies, or did I imagine it?

And this is as much as we've been able to manage so far. Expect more chapters in the future...likely next week! In the meanwhile, enjoy some German chocolate cake.

The Mother Bleeds Antihistory - (PART ONE)

Sat, 17 Jan 2009 01:28:54 GMT

My, it has been awhile since we've sporked, hasn't it? Over a year, it looks like. Between the fandom in hibernation until the new games hit, the call of RP, and the duties of real life, we didn't have much time for sporking.

...And then this fic was brought to light.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, this sporking contains many tasteless jokes. Proceed with CAUTION.

-------------------------------------------

Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

Our sporking opens in the selfsame theater. It's a little dusty after not being used for awhile, but at least it's not bleeding from the walls anymore. Axel and Demyx warp in, and head toward the front row. Zexion and Xaldin are seated in there already, with a stack of history textbooks between them. Axel is carrying a case of imported beer with him.
Axel: Hey you losers, check this out. They let us have real German beer at the snack stand! This sporking is gonna rock!
Xaldin and Zexion: ...
Axel: Helloooo? Real imported beer? They never let us have it in the theater? *he waves one around* What's with – hey, what's with all the textbooks?
Xaldin: Sit down and study up, Axel. This fanfic is going to be on the test.
Zexion: And it's already got a failing grade.
Demyx: *seats himself* It's not like anything can be worse than that horror fic with the Sora soup and the blood bath and cannibalism, right?
Zexion and Xaldin: ...
Demyx: ...Riiiiiight?
Axel: *seats himself* Well, I know my confidence is restored in full.

Axel ran through the streets of Berlin, dressed in his formal attire.

Axel: *perks* Going to the cabaret, yes?

He knew that the Führer would not be pleased if Axel was late for the meeting.

Axel: ...Wroooooooooong cabaret.
Xaldin: ...Thanks for giving me the mental image of Hitler in a showgirl getup now.

Especially when Himmler had already told him to be at the Führerbunker at 11 sharp. Axel looked at his watch and learned that it was indeed 10:54.

Zexion: Ironically, it's a Swiss watch.
Demyx: Zing!

He frantically took a shortcut through a side alley and found himself at his destination. After walking through the doors, the redhead found himself face-to-face with Himmler,

Axel: Woah, found that boss battle pretty easy. Now watch how I--

the head of the SS and Axel’s father.

Axel: *SPITTAKE* SPFFFFFFFTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Zexion: Well, now we know where he gets his hatred of all things living from.

Axel stood straight and raised his right hand in the air at an angle in traditional Nazi fashion.

Axel: And then lowered three fingers in traditional Axel fashion. *does so*

Axel shouldn't be late! He has to meet with El Der Fuhrer!

“If you say so…” Axel said. “Have you seen Roxas yet, Father?”

“He is with Goebbles at the moment.” Himmler said. “Why?”

Axel: ROXAS, NOOOOOOOO! GOEBBLES IS NOT SEXY!
Demyx: That sounds kinda like go-burbles when you say it fast.

“I wanted to speak with him.” Axel said. “He is my friend, after all.”

Axel: And like hell am I speaking to anyone if they're not my friend.

“And you could not have chosen a better friend.” Himmler said. “He is the perfect Aryan.”

Xaldin: Not tall enough.
Zexion: Not tan enough.
Demyx: Not muscular enough.
Axel: NOT CRAZYSTUPID ENOUGH

Himmler was referring to the “perfect German”: the Aryan. Anyone who was not Aryan, that is to say blonde hair and blue eyes, was often looked down upon.

Zexion: That's a funny way of saying "persecuted like a redheaded stepchild."
Demyx: You'd figure Hitler would've dyed his hair.

Axel was only a Nazi because his father was a very important man in the Third Reich.

Xaldin: Time for you to inherit the business, son.
Axel: Oh sure, I will--

By the way, that business is Bergen-Belsen.

Axel didn’t really like the job, but he figured he should take anything he got.

Xaldin: You know the economy's bad when even the damned SS can't get summer jobs.

“It’s not because he is Aryan, Father.” Axel said. “We have a lot in common.”

Demyx: Being murderous bigots will do that to a person.

“If you say so.” Himmler didn’t quite believe his son, but knew that it would be pointless to tell him otherwise.

Zexion: ...Why exactly IS that?
Xaldin: *as Himmler* One day son, all this will be yours!
Axel: *as himself* What, the death camps?!

“Do you know when he will be done?” Axel asked.

Xaldin: When the internal temperature reaches 125.

“I have no idea.” Himmler said.

“Well, I’m going to see of the Führer is ready for me yet.” Axel said.

Zexion: He just needs to find the riding crop.
Axel: STOP THAT.

He gave his father the Nazi salute and left for the lower levels of the bunker.

Demyx: *in female voice* DING! Department of Mysteries!

He found Hitler’s office on the 3rd floor, or rather, the 3rd floor underground.

Demyx: Huh, that's the Destiny Islands floor in Castle Oblivion, isn't it?
Zexion: ...I hate this floor already.

After knocking twice, he waited for the Führer’s permission to enter. Upon entering,

Axel: I pulled a Tom Cruise and punched him in his Nazi face?

Axel’s peridot eyes found Adolf Hitler sitting at his desk, reading the Nazi newspaper.

Demyx: ...Peridot?
Zexion: Wouldn't "grün" be more in theme?

Sieg heil!

He opened the folder he was holding and read from the report. “2,000 Jews were admitted into Bergen-Belsen last week. Of that number, 948 men, 153 women, and 57 children were killed.

Axel: Good God, even in historical AUs there's a huge disproportion of men to everyone else!

Their bodies were burned in the crematoriums.”

“How were they killed?” Hitler asked.

Demyx: *as Axel* Well sir, we're not certain, but all signs point to Hitler.

“Some were killed immediately by gas chambers, some were shot.” Axel informed Hitler. “All others were put to work and died from exhaustion.”

Zexion: No percentages? That's a failing grade, Number Eight.

“Very good, very good.” Hitler said to himself.

Demyx: Aaaaaaand cue the Gendo pose!
Axel: *as Hitler, a la Mr. Burns* Eeeeeexcellent.

“Is there anything else, mein Führer?” Axel asked.

“I’ve been thinking of entering you in the SS.” Hitler said.

Axel: Yes! I'm willing to risk it all and go for the LIGHTNING ROUND!

“You have already met the required needs to join.”

Zexion: These being?
Xaldin: He's a protagonist of the story.
Zexion: *scoffs* You can't mean that every protagonist...is....

“If you may permit my asking, sir, why should I be in the SS?” Axel asked.

Zexion: Good point. What qualifications DOES he have?

He had never thought of himself being in the SS. He didn’t like being in the death camps, but what good what he be in the SS?

Demyx: Ten munny on uniform fetish.

“I think you would benefit being in the SS.” Hitler said.

Xaldin: *as Hitler* It's a major step in your career of unadulterated genocide!

“When do you want me to start, sir?” Axel asked.

“I would like you to start on Monday.” Hitler said. “You can find out more information if you need it from your father, I expect.”

Axel: Soooooo basically the SS is just like the local Gamestop.

“Is that all, mein Führer?” Axel asked.

Demyx: *as Hitler* BH-DE-BH-DE-BH-DE-BH-DEEE, THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!

Axel runs off to go find Roxas! He finds him!

“Roxas! I was just coming to find you. Guess what the Führer told me?”

Axel: *as himself* He told me he hates you!

Axel asked, dragging Roxas up the rest of the stairs.

“What?” Roxas asked his friend as they made it outside the Führerbunker.

“I’m going to be in the SS!” Axel jumped up and down.

Axel: I'll make enough money to afford that new DS Lite AND still go on the senior trip to Cancun!
Xaldin: And then he's going to Disneyworld. *deadpan*

“Wow! Congrats, Axel! You’ll be with me now.” Roxas was also in the SS.

Zexion: Congrats on your promotion from Heartless Bastard to Genocidal Maniac.

“I know!” Axel smiled.

“So when do you start?” Roxas asked as they went down to the corner market for some lunch.

Axel: RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES!

“On Monday.” Axel replied. “I can’t wait! I mean, I’ll be with you all day!”

Demyx: And allllllll night.
Zexion: Passing notes, doing MASHes...

“Did the Führer say that?” Roxas asked.

“No, but I think I will be.” Axel said. “I mean, he knows that we’re best friends, so he should put us together.”

Xaldin: What the hell, are they partnering up for science lab in the SS?
Zexion: Well, I suppose you could say that...

“I’m rounding up Jews on Monday.” Roxas said. “Maybe I can convince the Führer to let you come with me.”

Axel: *as himself* Oh goody, then maybe afterwards we can stop by the Gap and pick up some 501s!

“That would be great.” Axel said with a smile. “Where are you rounding?”

Zexion: To the tenth power.

“5th, 6th, 7th, 8th and 13th streets.” Roxas said. “Your dad has me doing serious errands, you know?”

Axel: I know, geez. Gotta drop the Jews off at soccer practice, pick up some fresh Jews from the grocery store, go pick up my Jews from the laundromat, then head to the post office to mail some Jews. What a pain!
Xaldin: And pick up some sauerkraut on the way back!
Demyx: ...Can we get barf bags with this sporking, at least?

“Dad’s a bit crazy sometimes.” Axel said.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAhahaha...haaaah.

Oh boy oh joy, tomorrow's genocide is gonna be SUCH. FUN.

Roxas gave a smile then a wave and walked off. As Axel watched the blonde go, an uneasy feeling erupted in his stomach.

Zexion: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you!

Axel had a feeling he knew what this feeling was. He’d felt it when he’d seen some cute girls back at grade school.

Xaldin: Spring: When a young man's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of pedophilia.

But if he was in love with Roxas, he would be gay, which was looked down upon by Nazis. What was a guy to do?

Zexion: ...
Demyx: WUAH-WUAH-WUUUUAAAAAHHH!
Xaldin: Find out, on the next episode of "That's Our Nazi!"
Zexion: ...
Axel: I am SO SHOCKED by this development, you three. SO shocked.
Zexion: ...looked down on?

Axel walked up 21st Street to the apartments. Where was the redhead going?

Demyx: To find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
Zexion: What, doesn't the author know?
Xaldin: Probably not.

To Roxas’ apartment, of course.

Demyx: Oh, RHETORICAL questions. Or something.

Himmler was delighted that his son’s best friend was Aryan and allowed the two to hang out as often as possible.

Xaldin: He was especially delighted when he learned they were sharing a bed.

Axel couldn’t understand why his father couldn’t see that the redhead didn’t care if Roxas was Aryan or not.

Xaldin: Probably need to get his prescription fixed on his eyeglasses.
Demyx: *sings* If you were Aryan...that'd be okay!

To Axel, it didn’t matter what someone looked like.

Zexion: All that mattered was whether or not they had a penis.

But Heinrich Himmler failed to see that.

Zexion: Yeah, he could be a real Nazi about these sorts of things.

Axel and Roxas are gonna play chess. Woooooo.

“I guess so.” Roxas said. “Do you want to set the board up?”

Axel: Nah, it's better on rumpled sheets.
Demyx: *claps* Oooh, time for flannel-graphs!

“I call white.” Axel said with a grin

Xaldin: *as Axel* --Supremacist, that is.

as he walked over to the coffee table in the small living room where the chessboard was laying.

“Damn.” Roxas said.

“You should know by now that I always call white first.” Axel said, lining up a row of ivory pawns closest to him.

Xaldin: So basically, the fic is saying he has no staying power.
Axel: LIES AND SLANDER

“I really should, shouldn’t I?” Roxas said, sitting opposite Axel at the small table.

Zexion: Suddenly this fic is Searching for Roxas Fischer.

The two played chess for a while. Roxas easily won the first match; Axel had accidentally moved his knight at the wrong time and left his king wide open for a checkmate.

Xaldin: Yup, definitely no staying power.
Demyx: Topped from the bottom by a little kid, Axel? Bad form, bad form.

They were on their second game and Axel was contemplating where he should move his rook when several knocks sounded at the door.

Axel: *BANG BANG BANG* OPEN UP, THIS IS THE SS! ...Oh wait.

Rolling his cerulean eyes, Roxas left the table and went to open the door.

Demyx: DING-DONG, CANDYGRAM.
Axel: A landshark would improve this fic by about 500%.

Zexion, head of the death camp in Dachau, walked through the door, silver hair in his eyes as usual.

Xaldin: Because that sort of sloppy haircut would've been so accepted in the SS!
Axel: They probably just felt bad for him 'cause he went gray early.
Zexion: *fwaps with history textbook*

“What’s up, Zexy?” Axel asked as he made his move.

Axel: *as Zexion* You study for the Nazi test that's on Friday, man?

“Is that any way to greet a fellow Nazi?” Zexion reprimanded the redhead.

Axel: *as self* I'm sorry, you're right. *punches Zexion in the face*
Zexion: ?!?!!?!
Axel: THAT is how you greet a Nazi.

Zexion has important things to report!

“500,000 Jews were admitted into Dachau in the last 10 days.” Zexion began.

“500,000?” Axel’s peridot eyes widened in surprise.

Demyx: IT'S OVER 500 THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!
Axel: While my normal green eyes stayed shut.

“May I finish?” Zexion said acidly.

All: No.
Zexion: *glare*

“You will anyway.” Roxas smiled.

“Of that number, 4,981 men, 1,037 women and 528 children are now dead.” Zexion rambled on.

Xaldin: *as Zexion* Blah blah blah, yada yada, people dying in the streets yappity yap you know the drill.
Demyx: Forget concentration camps, everyone in Europe's gonna die off anyway with such an overabundance of men!
Axel: I predict Nazi mpreg.

Won't Larxene love that!

“Are the graves doing ok?” Roxas asked, making his move.

Zexion: *as himself* They appear to be full of dead things, sir.
Xaldin: Highly romantic pickup line, that.

“They aren’t living, Roxas.” Axel said with a smile.

All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAAAhahahaha...haaaaaah.

“I meant if more need to be dug.” Roxas rolled his cerulean eyes.

Axel: Gee, if only there was a convenient supply of slave labor just hanging around to dig them! OH WAIT.
Demyx: Roxas's eyes are CERULEAN? Really? I had no clue!

“Not yet.” Zexion said. “We will in another month or so, but not now.”

Zexion: *sarcasm* Well you know, it's not like you can rush a final solution or anything.

“I can ask Dad if he’ll let us go up and dig some.” Axel said. “But digging graves in annoying.”

All: *slackjawed*
Demyx: This fic would offend the Hetalia kinkmeme.

“Than don’t do it.” Zexion rolled his eyes.

“Ok.” Axel said, moving his bishop across the board.

Axel: PROBLEM SOLVED.

“What are you two doing today?” Zexion asked.

Demyx: The same thing we do every night!
Axel: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Xaldin: ...Ohhhh, bad pun.

Zexion exits right, pursued by a Nazi.

“He’s insane.” Roxas said, eyes fixed on the chess board in front of him.

“Then why is he in charge of one of the death camps, Roxie?” Axel said.

Zexion: You just answered your own question.
Axel: ...Wait, Roxie?!

“Roxie?” Roxas stared at the redhead in confusion. “Since when do you call me Roxie?”

Demyx: *plays* YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RED ARMBAND TONIIIIIIGHT!...

“Since now.” Axel said. “It’s your new nickname.”

Axel: Sucks, doesn't it?

”But you don’t have a nickname.” Roxas said, making his move. “Besides flaming pyro.”

Axel: The more things change...
Zexion: Sucks, doesn't it?

Roxas has tacky jewelry and Axel has to go visit a death camp tomorrow, ho-hum! But Roxas has something important to say…

Roxas opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and said nothing.

“I can’t tell you.” Roxas said.

Demyx: That doesn't sound like "said nothing" to me.
Axel: God forbid we advance plot or characterization! Man, that was a close one.

“What?” Axel seemed surprised. “Why not, Roxas?”

Zexion: Because the audience can already guess it coming from a mile away?

“I don’t think you’ll want to be friends with me anymore if I told you.” Roxas said.

Demyx: *as Roxas* I'm.....a babyfur!

“I’ll always want to be friends with you.” Axel said. “You know that. Nothing you say can make me change my mind about being your friend.”

Demyx: *sings* Oooooh, you're makin' me live!
Xaldin: *as Roxas* I'm...actually a woman.
Zexion: *as Axel* Buhbye.

“I know.” Roxas said. “But I think I shouldn’t tell you. Especially since your father is one of the big guys in the SS.”

“He’s in charge of the SS, Roxas.” Axel said with a smile.

Axel: It's such a HAPPY thing, isn't it?

“I’ll tell you when I feel like I can talk about it, ok?” Roxas said.

Zexion: Maybe he should bring this up in SS Peer Group Discussion next week.

“Ok.” Axel said.

They continued their game; Axel was distracted throughout the remainder of it. What did Roxas want to tell him? He couldn’t be Jewish, could he?

All: NAWWWWWWWW

But Axel wouldn’t care if the blonde was Jewish. Himmler would, but Axel wouldn’t. What was Roxas going to tell him? And would Axel still be his friend?

Xaldin: Will the wolf survive?
Demyx: What about Andrea, and her love for Chad? And what of Naomi's baby?
Zexion: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Axel: CALL NOW AND FIND OUT!

When Axel woke up on Monday morning, he wondered what time it was.

Demyx: TIME TO D-D-D-D-DUEL!

Looking at the clock on his bedside table, he learned that it was just after 8 O’clock.

Xaldin: --In the evening.
Axel: OOPS.

He had to be at the Führerbunker by 9 to receive his orders for the roundup. Axel knew that Roxas would be going with him along with Demyx and possibly Luxord.

Sighing, Axel got out of bed and changed into the SS uniform he had acquired from his father.

Zexion: And it's made out of cardboard.
Axel: Then I'm going to go eat some bread that tastes like wood.
Demyx: *singing* Vehn der Fuhrer says, ve is the master race...ve HEIL! Ve HEIL! Right in der Fuhrer's face!

After eating his breakfast of plain bagels, the redhead left for the Führerbunker.

Xaldin: Cream cheese is so capitalist.

Axel meets up with Roxas!

“Yeah, I do.” Axel smiled. “So where are we headed today?”

“Himmler changed the plans.” Roxas said. “Marluxia and Luxord got our route.”

Xaldin: What are they, paper boys?

“So where are we headed?” Axel repeated his previous question.

Xaldin: *as Roxas* Himmler changed the plans. Marluxia and Luxord got our route.
Axel: TIME PARADOX OSHI-

“The apartments around Yorkshire Avenue and Stonewall Boulevard.” Roxas said.

Zexion: Germany: the other, smaller Great Britain!
Axel: We're gonna take a lorry down to the pub and pick up some bangers and mash for lunch, too.

Boo-hoo, Roxas is stuck with dumb ol' Demyx.

“Got a date with someone, Axel?” Demyx smiled.

“Of course not.” Axel shook his head as they got in the standard SS van. “Who in their right mind would want to date me?”

Zexion: Used napkins?
Xaldin: Dead squirrels?
Demyx: Little bits of plastic that break off model kits?
Axel: ..."Standard" SS van? Are we the Partridge Family?

“Someone might.” Roxas said as he fastened his seatbelt while trying to ignore Demyx, who was seated next to him in the backseat.

Demyx: *jumps away, dodging a Foreshadowing Anvil that never falls*
Axel: I think the last one ruined him.
Xaldin: What one? *curious*
Zexion: Not again! *shoves Demyx out of his lap*

“I wouldn’t count on it.” Axel said grimly. “All the girls go for Riku.”

Zexion: Now that's an unusual twist on the old--

“No they don’t.” Riku replied

Zexion: --Orrrrrrrr not.

as Axel pulled the van out of the parking lot and headed off to Stonewall Boulevard.

Xaldin: Hopefully the rugby game will be on at the pub while they eat their fish and chips.

“You don’t pay much attention to girls, do you?” Demyx said with a small smile.

Demyx: ...Am I hitting on him?

Insert bad attempt at gay foreshadowing here.

They arrived at Stonewall Boulevard a few minutes later. Somehow, Demyx had fallen asleep.

Zexion: The professionalism is astounding.

“Wake up, Demyx.” Roxas smacked the sleeping SS in the back of the head.

Axel: *as Roxas* Honey, get on your shoes, we're stopping for gas and a bathroom break.
Demyx: *as himself* I want a Slurpee!

“Dammit, Roxas!” Demyx screeched. “What was that for?”

Xaldin: Existing.
Demyx: *pout*

“You were asleep.” Axel said, clambering out of the van.

“Just get going already.” Riku ordered impatiently. “We have to go to Yorkshire Avenue as well and you know how many Jews are there.”

Xaldin: Yeah, they're probably all up there having tea and discussing cricket right at this very moment.

“Yeah, yeah.” Demyx grumbled darkly.

The 4 SS walked up to the door of number 3 Stonewall Avenue, a place where the owners had been hiding a Jewish family for several months.

Axel: So basically, the SS is incompetent.
Demyx: Oh, those wacky Nazis!

Axel forcefully kicked the door open; so hard, in fact, that it came off the hinges entirely.

Axel: *as the Kool-Aid Guy* OHHHHHHHH YEAH!

“Nice work.” Roxas smirked.

“Thanks.” Axel smiled in reply.

Zexion: That's some talent for him to be able to smile his dialogue.

The blonde followed Demyx up to the attic, where it was assumed that the Jews were hiding.

Demyx: ANNE FRANK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In the meantime, Riku and Axel started looking through the belongings on the ground floor for anything valuable.

“So what are we looking for?” Axel asked.

Axel: One-Eyed Willie's treasure map.
Demyx: A doorway into Narnia!
Zexion: Any scrap of decency?
Xaldin: Whatever it is, you couldn't find it in an empty room with neon signs.

They start ransacking the place!

“So what are we looking for?” the redhead repeated his previous question.

“Anything valuable, basically.” Riku answered. “Especially rare and valuable.”

Demyx: Mystery Goo?
Xaldin: If you guys find a Celebi, let me know.
Zexion: I'll trade you mine if you have a Mew.
Axel: Screw you guys, I'm looking for a Missingno.

“That’s it?” Axel wanted to know.

“That’s it.” Riku said.

“What do we do with the stuff we find?” Axel asked.

Axel: EAT IT.

They get to discussing Axel's parentage. Turns out, he's a bastard child!

“Am I missing something here?” Riku looked quizzically at the redhead, a stack of papers in his right hand. “How could she not know about you? She is your mother, right?”

Zexion: Nope, Axel is Rosemary's baby.

“Nope.” Axel shook his head.

“She isn’t?” Riku questioned.

Axel: Nazi mpreg! I KNEW IT.

“No.” Axel grimaced. “Father had an affair with an office worker and I’m the result.”

Xaldin: I would've thrown that one back.

“Oh man…” Riku’s eyes widened. “So do you know your real mom?”

“Nah.” Axel opened the drawers of a nearby desk and searched through the contents. “Father took me to live with his sister in northern Germany.”

Zexion: But...isn't that...why...
Xaldin: Clearly, Himmler is exactly the kind of man to care about his bastards.

“That’s sad, Axel.” Riku said slowly.

Zexion: In SO many different ways.

Demyx and Roxas return from...something.

“When did you get back?” Axel asked.

“Ten minutes ago.” Demyx said before disappearing out the door.

Zexion: This ransacking and pillaging is more like watching someone fritter away their afternoon.

Axel followed the other two and loaded the items in the van. He then turned to Roxas and asked, “Can you guys help me get the rest? And where did you find that desk?”

Xaldin: Desks-R-Us, of course.
Demyx: Like it? I was gonna name it Sparkles.

“In the basement.” Roxas said as they walked back into the house.

“There’s a basement?” Axel frowned.

All: ...*facepalm*

“Yeah.” Demyx answered from the kitchen.

“How much did you get down there?” Axel asked as he followed the blonde down the steps into the basement that he hadn’t spotted before.

Xaldin: I'm thinking maybe the Jewish family should've hid in the basement.

Down to the basement for more ransacking!

When he walked into the basement, Axel’s eyes found chaos.

Axel: Aw damn, I HATE this esper.
Xaldin: Who left Vincent Valentine down here?

He wasn’t sure whether Roxas and Demyx caused it, but there was no way that someone’s basement could naturally look like this.

Zexion: Ahahahahaha...hah.
Demyx: What's so funny?
Zexion: It's just that they mentioned you in the same sentence...
Demyx: ....Shut up.

Magazines were strewn about, bullet casings lay on the ground near a target that appeared to have been shot many times. The once dark blue wallpaper was faded and peeling to reveal the original construction work.

“Over here.” Roxas grabbed Axel’s arm and dragged the redhead over to a table where about a dozen guns were resting.

Axel: Let sleeping guns lie!

While Axel examined the weapons, Roxas helped Demyx load up some glass figurines of the Virgin Mary into the van.

Xaldin: Oh, so they're Catholic Jews.
All: .................

Even more advancement of the plot is completely avoided for talking about bullets.

“That was such a pain!”

It was 7:30 that night and Axel and Roxas were at a popular restaurant for some dinner. Both were complaining about the roundups, which had taken almost the entire day.

Zexion: Yes, they are clearly the wronged party here.

“Isn’t it, though?” Roxas smiled in agreement. “But this is only your first. It gets more annoying when you’ve done as many as I have.”

Axel: GOOD GOD, THIS WHOLE FIC IS ONE GIANT WALKING SEX METAPHOR WITH NAZIS!

“Hey, Roxas? Can I ask you a question?” Axel wondered.

Roxas looked surprised but said, “Go ahead.”

Axel: Did you ever return that sweater I lent you?

“How does it feel to be Aryan?”

Demyx: *as Roxas* Okay but it kind of burns a little when I pee.

Roxas leaned back in his seat and said, “I dunno. I don’t really feel any different from anyone else.”

Zexion: Precisely how would he know how anyone else feels?
Demyx: ...This is getting a little metaphysical for me.

“But you’re the ideal German.” Axel stated needlessly.

Xaldin: Except that he's a little short for a stormtrooper.

“I know. But so many other people could be the ideal German. Like people with black hair and green eyes.”

Zexion: .....These are not the kind of things I would be telling an SS.

Roxas said. “But looks don’t really matter to me.”

“What do you mean?” Axel frowned.

“To me, it doesn’t matter what people look like.” Roxas said, playing with his necklace.

Demyx: *as Roxas* It matters what they SMELL like.

“It matters what people do, what they say…that sort of thing.”

“Same for me.” Axel nodded in agreement. “I personally think this whole ‘purification of Germany’ is a bunch of crap. As long as we aren’t killing each other in the streets, it’s ok.”

Axel: ............
Xaldin: FUNNY THAT YOU MENTION THAT.
Demyx: I'm guessing this is ironic, orrrr?
Zexion: This fic is like watching Thomas Kinkaide try to paint a picture of Auschwitz.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Roxas said with a smile.

Axel: *as Roxas* MY CONTEMPORARY INFLUENCE IS PASTED ON, YAY!

Curiosity Killed The...Everyone? - (PART THREE)

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:23:39 GMT

At last, we've arrived at the FINAL PART. If you'd like stats, then check back at part one, or else you can backtrack to part two.
-------------------------

Title: The Blood Game
Author: The Crimson Luna Diviner
Rating: YES. ANSEM. Oh god. FUN FACT: We considered making a Baldsem rating.

Vexen has a long argument with ~~Countess Bathoryx~~ Marluxia about participating in this bloodbath.

“And as long as you are still alive, that’s how we will play. In my house we follow my rules.”

Axel: Bedtime's at eight-thirty, young man!
Vexen: Fic defies the laws of physics and human decency. Lose a turn.

Snorting, Vexen tried to wriggle away from Marluxia. The cloud in his head had lifted a little,

Demyx: His brain cloud is getting better!
Vexen: I have no response to this.

given the danger of the situation, allowing him to think and remain calm again.

Vexen: Then can I calmly punch him in the neck now?

However, Marluxia seized his wrist, pressing a kiss to the back of his hand leaving a pink stain of lipstick.

Demyx: OH NO, now the Davy Jones of fashion is coming for his soul!

“Look… I like you, Vexen. But I have certain borderlines that I have to act after,”

Marluxia: What does that even mean?

Marluxia hummed, batting heavily made up eyelids. “I don’t have anything against hurting you if that’s what it takes to keep you from getting killed.”

Marluxia: And what does that even mean?!
Zexion: I think you're all just stringing random words together and passing them off as sentences, at this point.

He let his hand travel down Vexen’s chest, sighing softly. “I enjoyed last night. I am not letting go of this body simply because it’s owner is a stubborn idiot.”

Zexion: And can't punctuate correctly.
Demyx: He sounds like he's going to possess it.
Axel: Hydrapenis Ansem, is that you?!!

Vexen arched a brow, offended, yes, but there was something in Marluxia’s words that seemed odd to him, but then he felt a hand draping around his hips and he hissed softly.

Zexion: For the love of Darkness, Twilight and Light, is it too much to ask for one of these sentences to stick to ONE subject and have it make sense?!

“Do youever get enough?”

Axel: It looks kinda like he's saying "you, whoever you are."
Demyx: Well, that person is definitely NOT Marluxia, so....

“No. I can go on like this forever,” Marluxia laughed,

Marluxia: *as himself* I've sold my soul to Satan for immortality and pink fishnets!
Axel: And we're gonna watch eeeevery minute of it.
All: NOOOOOOO

letting go and twirled around, moving over to the bathtub and leaned rather gracefully on the edge with his hands, that skirt riding up his thighs just a little, showing off most of his ass.

Demyx: Ewwwww, he's presenting like a MANDRILL!

Marluxia suggests that Vexen top, but Vexen declines.

“Join me,” Marluxia ordered.

Marluxia: And together, we will RULE THE GALAXY!

Vexen shook his head, a terrified expression on his face. The other simply sighed, holding up one hand red with blood, examining it.

Demyx: He's been caught red-handed!
Axel: Watch, this bath doubles as his nail polish.

“You know… next time I take a bath this might just be your blood,”

Zexion: Ahh, he can't be the Countess of Bathory. She only bathed in virgin blood.

he murmured, removing a small piece of flesh that had caught underneath one of his nails.

Marluxia: *as himself* Damn Saix never strains this stuff properly!

Swallowing thickly, Vexen stepped closer. So… follow Marluxia’s orders or be degraded to bath water…

Demyx: I'd pick bathwater. All drains lead to the ocean.

If there would even be that much left of him…

Zexion: Oh what, are his fluids just going to evaporate?

“I am doing this to save my own life,” he hissed as he reached the tub, eyeing the thick red substance with loathing.

Demyx: What is this feeling, so sudden, and new!
Vexen: *to Marluxia* I felt the moment, I laid eyes on you.
Axel: My pulse is rushing!
Demyx: My head is reeling!
Axel: My face is flushing!
Both: WHAT IS THIS FEEEEL-ING!

“Of course you are,” Marluxia said, waving it off as unimportant. “Just get in.”

Zexion: *as Marluxia* And bring me my rubber ducky!

He took a deep breath, carefully stepping into the tub, trying as best as he could not to brush against Marluxia, his eyes closed. It felt… odd… The blood was warm, probably kept like that for quite a while not to coagulate before it was bath time.

Vexen: Oh what, this castle comes with a hot blood heater and everything?
Axel: Damn, talk about stewing in your own juices.

It was thicker than water,

Zexion: Gee, never would've guessed that.

and sometimes he felt tiny pieces of flesh at the bottom of the tub. It was a bit like… mud? No… Impossible to describe, really.

Demyx: Then stop trying, we don't wanna hear it!

As long as he kept his eyes shut it really wasn’t all that unpleasant.

Demyx: Bits of PEOPLE are rubbing against your FEET AND NETHERS! I.....how does that not give one the galloping heebie-jeebies?!
Axel: ....Galloping?
Marluxia: Heebie-jeebies?

“It will help your complexion,” Marluxia laughed softly,

Zexion: Yeah, you're the expert on that, Jareth Bathroy.
Vexen: I have a hard time believing he could've possibly found enough blood from virgins to fill this thing.
Marluxia: Maybe they were virgin cows.

pulling Vexen to him with one greedy jerk at his waist. Vexen was now forced to sit on Marluxia’s lap,

Marluxia: What do you want for Bloodmas, little boy?
Vexen: I want a Red Ryder carbine action beebee gun. To shoot BOTH your eyes out with.

Well lookie here, looks like Vexen's gonna be raped. YET AGAIN.

Certainly this could be nothing but hell.

All: A-FUCKING-MEN.

“P-please, Marluxia… don’t…”

There was a deep, sugary laugh,

Axel: ...Now I'm curious to hear what the hell THAT sounds like.

and an expert hand slapped his rear rather roughly, having him gasp in pain.

“Marluxia!”

“Common mortals usually enjoy that,”

Vexen: Yes, in the context of a consensual relationship with safewords!

said one sniggered, stroking Vexen’s ass tenderly, leaving a pale mark in the layer of blood that coated most of their bodies.

Zexion: Oh I see, they're bathing in the Blood of Virgins That Has No Surface Friction.
Demyx: ...That sounds expensive.

“C-common mortals usually end up like dinner in this place,” Vexen spat.

Marluxia: Demigods end up with their heads mounted in the trophy room.

He had reached the limit of what he could handle.

Demyx: He's reached his limit break!

Vexen kicks Marluxia in the gut! Marluxia wishes he hadn't done that.

“If that leaves a bruise,” he wheezed, clutching his side.

Axel: I'll cry big wet tears for you. Before stabbing.

Vexen bit his lip, immediately regretting but that was far too late now, and he launched himself at the edge of the tub, needing to get out and away from Marluxia now, maybe he would be able to break the door open as it was an old mansion,

Vexen: Or maybe I could just keep running this sentence on forever and ever and EVER, UUUUGH
Marluxia: Periods are for Zexion's rape victims.

but before he came that far determined hands grabbed his hips and pulled him back down, blood flowing over to splash against the white tiles of the floor by the force as Vexen was again forced onto Marluxia’s lap.

Axel: *as Marluxia* You've been VERY naughty this year, Vexen, and you're getting coal!

He whimpered quietly, sickened as Marluxia’s member was pressed in between his legs so it was rubbing lightly against his entrance and thighs.

Axel: Turned on from a kick in the ribs.
Demyx: Heck, breathing turns him on.

“Marluxia, please, stop this!” he groaned, aghast, scared, panicking

Zexion: Verb, adjective, adjective, adverb, verb, verb...

as Marluxia shifted, the head of that rock hard manhood pushing against his opening, and he couldn’t move because of the hands on his hips,

Axel: How does that stop you from elbowing him in the nose?

he could simply whimper, letting out small cries as that far too large arousal penetrated his tightness,

Demyx: I'm personally kind of glad these sentences are running on into one big wordmush, as it makes it impossible for me to tell what's happening!

filling him with an odd warmth and blood. Lots of blood.

Axel: Don't tell me...the blood will act as lube.
Zexion: You win, but I award you no prize.
Axel: That's okay.

He was in a daze, more or less limp against Marluxia’s chest, panting heavily by the time Marluxia was fully sheathed in him, so painful. It seemed as if the only awareness he had of his won body’s existence was the throbbing painful connection between them, the rigid column buried so deep inside him.

Axel: Whyfore art thou so concerned with the splinter in your partner's eye? First remove the dick from your own butt!

A low, pained groan crawled up his throat as Marluxia moved a little, causing slight stirring.

Axel: There's a stirring, deeeeep within me...
Demyx: I don't feel comfortable with all these Bible jokes!

“You know, had you been a bit nicer I would have been more gentle,” Marluxia murmured, lapping blood off of Vexen’s earlobe.

Demyx: You know, whoever they killed to get this blood could have had hepatitis or something.

“I even gave you a choice to top.

Vexen: Yes, and?

But I do have to admit I love having you squirming and writhing around me, whether it is in pain or delight.”

Zexion: How would he even be able to tell the difference?

Vexen whimpered as merciless teeth nipped and tugged at his earlobe, finely manicured nails scrabbling against his chest.

Demyx: Like, say...a gerbil?
Marluxia and Axel: EEEUGH!
Zexion: Oh...oh hell. What is this approaching.
Demyx: What? Where?
Marluxia: It looks like an enormous brick wall of text.
Zexion: No, it looks like the DAMNED GREAT WALL OF CHINA OF TEXT.

We launch into an unbelievably LONG paragraph full of rape, blood, tears, rape and more rape.

wet skin slapping against wet skin, faster and faster, rocking Vexen back and forth with the motion as his hips was showed back and forth to meet each thrust,

Demyx: *plays* This is the sentence that nev-er eeeeends...yes it goes on and on, my frieeeeends...
Voice: It won't be necessary to sing that, thank you.
Axel: .......*suspicious again*

making it even more painful. His stomach lurched as one of Marluxia’s hands forced its way around his thigh, groping and rubbing at his crotch. His whole body shook,

Zexion: Registering a 5.9 on the Ritcher Scale.

and with one heavy convulsion from Vexen they could both hear the sound of last night’s supper splattering against the white tiles of the floor,

Zexion: DAMMIT VEXEN, I told you not to puke! Now Marluxia's gonna make you lick it up or something!
Axel: Awww, Sora gets to reprise his role!

blending with the blood that kept flowing over from the tub as their movements made the red fluids surge around them.

Marluxia: Come on, we've probably splashed all that blood out of the tub by now.

Vexen was heaving for air, the taste of vomit so strong in his mouth, but at least it got rid of Marluxia’s taste,

Axel: *helpfully* And morning breath!

which he was forever thankful of. He could feel Marluxia’s thrusts going even more violent, and he was clearly not happy for the reaction to his touch.

Demyx: *strums* It was the wooorst sex, I ever had...it waaaas so fucking bad!...

Vexen groaned loudly, feeling strong teeth digging into his shoulder, ripping and tearing at the flesh,

Axel: Marluxia's protests about Saix being a sick fuck were all for nothing, I see.

perhaps to disguise Marluxia’s own pleasured moans,

Vexen: It's not a very good disguise.
Zexion: Saix is gonna be pissed when he discovers Marluxia started without him.

not really wanting to show exactly how much he was enjoying it. By this time the pain was making Vexen more or less numb. He could still feel Marluxia’s movement, but the pain was easing now.

Axel: Numbness, hooray!
Zexion: Single-clause sentences, hooray!

Or was he starting to get used to this?

Marluxia: Screw getting used to it, this porn wordmush is just boring.

The hurt and strain was replaced by something different…

Demyx: Folger's crystals!

odd… Marluxia… sliding in and out of him, that blood making it so easy and… painless?

Axel: Why's he asking us? How the hell do we know?

He was still making strained grimaces, panting, groaning, but why really?

Zexion: Because you touch yourself at night.

THIS IS ALL STILL THE SAME PARAGRAPH.

He could barely see, and still he felt Marluxia leaking inside of him, the hot, wet liquids seeming to seep everywhere with the thrusts

Demyx: Need to replace the seal on that valve.

and he cringed, retching again as he forgot everything about liking,

Demyx: No, Sora, not again!
Zexion: Maybe he's just dry-heaving.

knowing he would soon be claimed again.

Marluxia: I claim this Vexen in the name of Planet Fukurshitup!

Marluxia’s harsh, warm breath was tickling against his neck, delicate fingers now kneading his rear, squeezing firmly

Axel: Doughy as the texture may be, you can't actually make bread out of it.

as Marluxia’s teeth tug into his shoulder, tearing up skin as he jammed himself deep into Vexen, crying out into the bite accompanied by Vexen’s pained yell. And then everything went silent but for their harsh panting, the surging blood slowly stilling around them.

Demyx: So basically, it wasn't silent at all.
Zexion: THANK THE HOLY MOTHER OF DARKNESS, this wretched paragraph is finally over!
Vexen: ...I feel like I just climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. While small weasels clawed out my eyes.

“Wonderful,” Marluxia murmured at last, stroking Vexen’s hair, grinning as he saw in the mirror how dirty they had become.

Axel: Uh Marluxia, hate to tell you this, but that's not what the purpose of taking a bath is.
Marluxia: *mocking* Oh, but blood, gore, bile, vomit and semen are good for your complexion, you ignoramus.

There was barely even one part of them not stained in blood by now. Vexen had a tired expression, his hair ruffled,

Zexion: You mean, tangled and filthy and matted.
Axel: Like yours, basically?
Zexion: *sneer*

and he hang limply there Marluxia had left him.

Vexen: Right next to the abused and beaten English language.

“Cheer up Vexy, you can get clean now,” Marluxia purred,

Demyx: How're they gonna do that, bathe in cat vomit?!

Actually, they're just taking a shower with supposedly "normal" water.

He cringed at Marluxia’s touch but was ignored, instead shoved into the tight shower, Marluxia following and closing the door.

*The 'Psycho' violins suddenly play from the sound system above*
Axel: Ahhhh, it's like a little piece of home.

Every alarm in his head was going off by now,

Demyx: *imitates* WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!
Axel: Danger, Will Vexen! Danger!

seeing they were now crammed together in a space so small it was impossible not to touch the other,

Vexen: *rubbing temples* Here we go again.
Demyx: *begins to riff--*
Vexen: One more chord and I'll feed your goldfish to my experiments.

warm water showering down over them, washing the blood away.

“See? That’s cosy, isn’t it?” Marluxia murmured,

Zexion: Oh look, he didn't purr that time.

pinning Vexen to the wall simply by leaning against him a little, smiling up at him with that sugary sweet look. “Though I doubt Zexion will be too happy to see you threw up,” he noted, sniggering softly. “He takes care of all the cleaning.”

Zexion: No I don't. I push all the hard labor off on Lexaeus.
Vexen: How the hell did the chore wheel get in here?!

Vexen just turned his head to the side, not wanting to hear any more. It had been a living hell ever since he came to this mansion.

Axel: And now, having established relations with the Mayor of Blatant Town, Admiral Obvious of the good ship S.S. No Shit, Sherlock begins a massive export of Island Naw, Duh's most precious resource: OBVIOUSIUM.

He wanted to go home, where he was safe from psychopaths like these…

Axel: *throws arm around Vexen's shoulders* Yep, safe ol' home sweet home!

He blinked however, looking back again as he felt a heavy weight against himself. Marluxia was resting his cheek on Vexen’s chest,

Vexen: ...But last time he was something like half a foot taller than me.

eyes half closed and hands draped around his waist. Surely, it appeared like Marluxia got tired every now and then as well…

Demyx: He's let his guard down! Strangle him with a spare thread and RUN FOR IT!

Vexen had to admit; the man was very appealing…

Vexen: In the sort of way that watching your date pick their nose is appealing.

when he was not talking, or making any of those foul smiles.

Zexion: Or raping people. Or insisting that bloodbaths are good for you. Or making threats of cannibalism. Or horsewhipping his ass. Or dressing in fugly fishnet getups. Or...

Like this he was almost… sweet… Vexen drew a slow, deep breath, resting his head back against the shower wall, letting the water pour down in his face. He couldn’t be… gay, right?

Vexen: Because God knows, after all that's happened, that'd just be the worst fucking thing ever, hunh?
Demyx: *raises hand* ...What about bisexuals?
Axel: You're more likely to find a cannibal or a necrophile than one of those!

It was Marluxia pushing this all on him, making him hurt and confused…

Demyx: I get it! He laced all that blood with GAY!

Forcing him into all this… a sick, mindless rapist and murderer. Why was he having these thoughts? He loathed it, the end. He would not end up like some brainwashed… sex slave for that arrogant bastard.

Zexion: Except for the part where he did pages and pages ago.
Axel: Honestly, Vexen, I've seen bigger balls in a game of marbles.

“Vexen… Wash my hair,” Marluxia murmured, nudging a bottle of shampoo into the other’s hand.

Demyx: Vexen could bludgeon him to death with the bottle...
Vexen: Watch, this shampoo is made from the bile of babies and the tears of kittens.
Axel: And egg white for lustrous shine!

Vexen rolled his eyes, sighing. Of course it couldn’t last for long. Well it wasn’t as if he had a choice.

Vexen: And lo, a sex slave is I.

Vexen's gonna wash this man right out of his hair...

“Now to find you some clothes!”

Demyx: And then STAIN them!

Vexen clutched the towel he had been given a bit tighter, watching Marluxia’s beaming smile with worry. He knew what that man’s wardrobe consisted of.

Vexen: If his clothes are too small for him--and they are--they're impossible for me!

“I can’t just have my own clothes? You know those I came her with…”

Zexion: *as Vexen* Besides, I left some extra 'E's in my pocket!

“Absolutely not,” Marluxia said, grinning widely as he dug through his wardrobe. “I will find something her suiting you, I am sure. Even though you are taller than me, I should have…”

Vexen had a very bad feeling about this

Demyx: *points* That's no wardrobe. IT'S A SPACE STATION.

and remained at a safe distance, watching different tops, shirts and dresses get thrown aside.

“I refuse to wear a skirt, just so you know,” he said, his tone sharp.

“Tch, you wear whatever I think will suit you,” Marluxia huffed;

Axel: My little Dress-Up Vexen doll!

smirking as he found what he was looking for. “Here, try these on,” he ordered, handing the other a pile of clothes.

Marluxia: I made them out of curtains from the Von Trapp mansion!

Vexen arched a brow, mildly surprised at finding a large silk shirt and a pair of wide black pants. Wide enough to look like a skirt…

Demyx: ...So they're bell bottoms?

Wonderful. He looked at Marluxia with a displeased expression, though said nothing.

“Put it on,” Marluxia instructed,

Demyx: The one that I prefer...*croons*

already finished dressing again by the time it took Vexen to look at the clothes. “Zexion wants us down in the basement. If we are late we will loose all the fun.”

Zexion: It's Game Night, and we've already got the Monopoly money laid out!
Axel: DON'T GO INTO THE BASEMENT!

“Fun?” Vexen repeated, dreading what might be on Marluxia’s mind. Axel and Kairi was still alive, right…?

Axel: If there's a kind and loving God, then no.

He couldn’t care less what happened to the two, but he really had seen enough nasty things to last for a lifetime.

“Yes. Fun. You better get used to it as well, unless you want to end up like your friends.”

Vexen: ....Do I even have any friends in this sad little world?

“What do you mean…?”

Zexion: He means chopped into soup or skinned alive and set on FIRE, you great moron!

There was a long moment of silence. Marluxia shifted a little, adjusting his skirt a little.

Marluxia: Well, this is awkward.

Vexen couldn’t help wondering why Marluxia had chosen a short white dress, looking more or less like a nurse outfit.

Axel: He's gonna make Vexen wear the big metal pyramid on his head, and then they can go cosplay together!
Demyx: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NURSE!

Then Marluxia explains how basically the plot of this whole fic was just ripped from the "Hostel" franchise.

“Lets just say someone pays us quite open-handedly for the videos in the surveillance cameras,” he said, cupping Vexen’s chin.

Marluxia: Elite Hunting is watching you!
Zexion: ..."Open-handedly?"...

“Why do you think we live so comfortably at any rate?

Vexen: Descendants of the Rockefellers?

You will like it here, I am sure,” he murmured, stroking Vexen’s cheek with his thumb. “Money… Me… what more is there to ask for?”

Demyx: Rhythm and soul!

“Quite a lot,” Vexen hissed, batting the hand away.

Vexen: I expect three weeks' vacation, a week's worth of sick days, and full health, dental and vision.
Zexion: And is he ever gonna need them.

He tried dodging Marluxia but was held back by the collar of his bathrobe.

“Get those clothes on and join me downstairs now. Unless you have a strong wish to die.”

Marluxia: TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE.

Dying might actually be better than to spend another minute in the same room as Marluxia,

Zexion: For the love of bicycle-building Berserkers, his characterization is just lapping itself now.

Welcome to the basement, please enjoy your stay!

In a large room made of roughly carved stone stood two high metal chairs with the back turned to one another, occupied by Kairi and Axel.

Axel: God damn it.
Zexion: Hey look, it's Indiana and Doctor Jones.

Both were blindfolded and tied securely to their seats. Both sat there in silence, scared to say anything seeing their captors were right by,

Vexen: How the hell do they see them if they're blindfolded?!

watching them from where they leaned against some benches that aligned one of the walls.

“If I have to wait one more minute I am starting without them,” Saïx growled out of the corner of his mouth. Zexion tilted his head to the side, eyeing their two captives.

“Marluxia told us to wait,” he stated.

Axel: No, really: Kill me. I don't mind. Get it over with, please.

“But I haven’t eaten all day,” Saïx mumbled,

Vexen: Oh what, the man subsists entirely on human flesh?
Demyx: It's not good for him to ignore the four basic food groups!
Zexion: I'm just waiting for him to keel over from Kuru any moment now.

Saix and Zexion whine about their difficult lives.

Saïx snorted, abandoning the other to stand in front of Kairi and seized her chin, the girl wincing and trying to wriggle away. “I bet Marluxia wouldn’t mind. You know what he thinks of females.”

Marluxia: The same things everyone in this story thinks of females, of course.
Axel: Man, what I wouldn't give to see Pluto and Riku come through a darkness portal and beat the shit out of everyone right now.
All: *nod*

Zexion shrugged, leaning back with a bored expression.

“G-get away from her! I swear you are going to pay for what you have done!”

Axel: Credit or payment plan; I'll take either!

Saïx got a lopsided smile on his lips, moving over to Axel and fisted his hand up in the man’s spiky red hair.

Zexion: That's gonna leave spines in your palm, Saix.
Marluxia: He probably likes it that way.

Saix moves in on Kairi! Uh ohhhhh...

She yelped as Saïx retrieved the butcher knife from his belt, but breathed out in relief as he simply cut the ropes holding her down.

Axel: Ooh, she gets a head start. RUN, LITTLE GIRL.

“What…?”

Saïx seized her wrist, yanking her up from the chair and brought her hand to his mouth, tearing off two fingers with his teeth, resulting in Kairi’s scream piercing the silence of the basement. She tried to jerk her hand back but Saïx had already spat out her fingers,

Axel: Hey, HEY SAIX. There are starving children in Africa, you know!
Marluxia: Well hell, he forgot to set her on fire first.

sinking his teeth into her wrist, the bones creaking in warning

Axel: *as wristbones* Bad Saix! BAD! Heel!

as Saïx tugged firmly, his sharp teeth already having blood splattering everywhere, Kairi crying and screaming,

Zexion: ...Wait...this doesn't...
Demyx: *hands over eyes* I CAN HEAR THE SCREAMING OF THE LAMBS!

doing her best to get away but to no avail. Her hand was reduced to one bloody chunk of flesh and bones by the short time it took Saïx to move, showing her forcefully down in the stone floor before straddling her waist, his teeth sinking into her arm next,

All: OH BUUUUUUUUUULLSHIIIIIIIIT.
Axel: What, was Saix abandoned in the jungle as a baby and then raised by a school of piranhas?!

ripping up muscles which he swallowed the most of,

Marluxia: Guro AND feederism! Two bad things that go worse together!

ignoring the girl’s screams and pleas, stripping her upper arm completely of flesh

Demyx: A school of wild Saix can strip arms in SECONDS.

before biting down on her jaw line, tearing most of her cheek off. Kairi was struggling like mad, though now unable to move her arm,

Zexion: Which is in no way connected with the fact that it's not there anymore.

unable to think due to the pain coursing through her body, unable to hear anything but her own agonized screams as her flesh was torn from her body.

Marluxia: What, not even the OM NOM NOM?

As soon as her arms were but splintered bones, Saïx shifted, now going down on her right flank, tearing her clothes and skin open all the way up to her chest,

Axel: Kind of like a chestburster, but in reverse.
Demyx: *tightens grip on face* I hate that movie.

breaking her ribs away so he could access her inner organs,

Vexen: In his spare time, Saix works the night shift as a bone saw at Quantico.

his face diving down into the open body

Zexion: Body-cavity diving, instead of muff. How sad.

to find what he wanted the most. Liver and heart,

Axel: SAIX, you completely forgot the fava beans and the nice chianti!
Zexion: Even Hannibal Lecter would be embarrassed by this.

and whatever flesh he could find left on her scrawny body was all devoured,

Marluxia: Now he better not go swimming for at least an hour.

and soon the only sound echoing through the basement was Axel’s voice hopelessly calling for Kairi, but the girl was now reduced to a bloody pool of bones, some flesh and skin and her clothes.

Axel: And then, THAT was lit on fire!
Vexen: Won't Zexion be disappointed.
Demyx: *peeks* ...Can I look now?

Just then the door swung open. There stood Marluxia, elegant as always in the short, short nurse suit, his hair put up with several roses fastened in it like a sort of bun.

Demyx: *covers eyes* Obviously not.
Axel: *as Saix* Nurse, help me, I've got severe indigestion!

Marluxia argues with everyone. By the way, Vexen has been given the task of killing Axel.

“Shall we get this started then?” he asked, voice sickeningly sweet.

Demyx: His voice is going to give me diabetes.

“Vexen, you need to show us you are fit for this by disposing off Axel.”

Axel: ...Oh hell.
Vexen: Well, isn't this a cruel irony.

Vexen paled, glancing over at the redhead sitting limp in the chair, bound and blindfolded. Disposing off…? Killing another person…

Vexen: All in a day's work for an evil mad scientist.

“You will find any tools you can possibly need in the drawers. Be creative.”

Marluxia: But not too creative. There's only so many slasher films we can rip off, here.

Vexen bit down on the insides of his cheek.

Axel: UNTIL HE DREW BL--
Marluxia: It's no good, Axel!
Axel: I want my damn cliche!

The worst thing was perhaps not just killing, but how to do it… He had quite a bit of experience with dissection, seeing he used to work as a scientist… But… well…

Zexion: At this point he's going to off Axel with a few live rounds of ellipses.

if it kept him from getting killed then he supposed he would simply have to give it a try, no matter how wrong it felt.

Vexen: *snort* But it feels so....so right. *glare at Axel*

Swallowing thickly he went over to the counters and began searching through the drawers for any familiar instruments.

Marluxia: Vexen used to play clarinet in high school, and he wondered if he could still hit that high C sharp.

Scissors, needles, tongs, callipers, a small axe, several pliers, a wrench, chisels of different sizes, screwdrivers, a rather large file, quite a few hammers…

Zexion: Celine Dion records, YouTube comments, cans of Pepsi One, Cartoon Network's live-action lineup...
Demyx: And a partridge in a pear tree.

Vexen picks out a scalpel, but just doesn't know where to begin!

Vexen shot him a sharp glance, twirling the scalpel between his fingers.

“Just watch,” he huffed,

Vexen: AND BE AMAZED!

folding back his sleeves before pulling Axel’s t-shirt up, letting it rest right over his head.

Demyx: He's gonna give him some butterfly kisses!

“Hnf, I don’t get a pillow, grandpa?” Axel snorted, glaring up at Vexen. “You were on their side all along, weren’t you?”

Marluxia: The irony.
Demyx: It's caked on thicker than your makeup, right?

Vexen’s eyes narrowed just a little, and he took a sick pleasure of seeing Axel’s stuck up expression change to one of fear as he pressed the cold metal against his bare side, and the cry of pain as he made the first cut.

Axel: Et tu, Vexen?

“You know, it looks like I will have to find a less witty driver,” he said,

Demyx: Less witty? Pretty tall order, you know.
Axel: HEY!
Marluxia: Oooh, nice one.

snarling softly as he pulled the knife down, widening the wound.

Demyx: THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEAL!

He had studied anatomy, done this exact same before, only with patients drugged down… He knew where he could cut without damaging any organs and kill… however was that really what he wanted?

Vexen: I have no idea what I'm supposed to want in this---this---this thing anymore.
Axel: Sweet darkness, even when he's murdering people he's being a wishy-washy wuss about it.

Vexen cuts an O in Axel's stomach. Kafka did it better.

“Y-you… sick… monster,” Axel huffed, squirming in pain and drawing sharp breaths, close to hyperventilating.

“Oh am I?”

Axel: I know who you are but what am I?

Vexen was glaring daggers by now, and he quickly made his decision as to what to do.

Marluxia: Rub the lotion on his skin or else he'll get the hose again.

He eased his nails in under the skin and slowly peeled it off from Axel’s stomach, hoping the screams wouldn’t make him go deaf.

Zexion: He's ripping up the carpet so that he can put in a nice tile floor.

Soon he stood with the large piece of skin in his hand, dripping blood on the floor.

Marluxia: So did Vexen specialize in skin grafting, or what?

Axel was reduced to one writhing mass of pain, most of his inner organs now bared to the open air,

Axel: *as himself* What the hell...three kidneys?!
Vexen: I ripped out the abdominal muscle? I thought it was just a flap of skin.

and all he could do was to whimper and produce small incoherent cries now and then. With a wicked grin Vexen moved, slapping that piece of skin over Axel’s face.

Vexen: Why ya hittin' yourself! Why ya hittin' yourself!

“Sister, I need a spool of thread and a needle.”

Zexion: Sister WHO? Are they a convent all of a sudden?
Demyx: *plays* Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista!

There was a huff from Marluxia, somewhere between being offended and lightly amused,

Marluxia: He thinks I'm a woman. I've never heard that one before. Hardy har.

but he did hand Vexen what he needed, looking curious and entertained. Axel tried shaking the piece of skin off, wailing and trashing, but the blood had pretty much made it plaster itself to his face.

Demyx: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait! Earlier, in the tub, blood made things go...now it makes things stick?

And then Vexen sews Axel's skin to his face. ...Hunh?

And then he went completely still. Vexen could only stare at his own doing, feeling oddly disconnected with everything around him. He had choked a man to death using his own skin…

Vexen: Next on my list of things to do before I die: visit the Taj Mahal.
Marluxia: No, actually, you suffocated a man to death using his own skin.
Zexion: Honestly. And you call yourself a scientist.

He had killed a person without hesitation. Murdered in a most cruel way, and parts… most of him had enjoyed it.

Demyx: *as Vexen* AAAAAHHH, MY MOST OF ME!

Why? How had he ever been able to land himself in this situation?

Axel: Complete mental castration?
Zexion: His company was outsourcing?
Demyx: Lack of Scooby Snacks?

He shifted a little there he sat leaned against Marluxia’s legs,

Marluxia: *as self* Awww, good Vexen. *scratches behind ears*

Vexen's one of the family now! He's only slightly bothered by this.

“Just give us a chance,” Marluxia whispered, lips brushing Vexen’s ear.

Axel: He gave you about five, and you BLEW all of them!

“How…?”

Marluxia cupped Vexen’s cheek, turning his head to face him, smiling, and one hand on his hip.

Vexen: Has his hand ever moved from that hip this entire fic?

“Try and enjoy,” he murmured, leaning in closer and brushing his lips against the other’s. Vexen wanted to pull away at first, but then considered Marluxia’s words. If he wanted to survive here… he should at least give it a chance. The kiss was short, tasting sweet, like strawberries.

Zexion: It's always strawberries!
Axel: This can make up for missing that "bit his lip until blood flowed" cliche! Yes!
Marluxia: We must've been bathing in strawberry-flavored blood.

Vexen had almost expected something along the lines of mouth rape, but it had actually been… nice… He licked his lips as Marluxia pulled away, his face stoic.

Demyx: *as Vexen* mmm, tastes like rape.

“So… what now?”

There was a smirk on Marluxia’s lips and he turned to the window. “Now we wait for the next car to arrive,” he purred, his eyes following two white dots out in the rain that might just happen to be frontlights.

Axel: But wait, they're not headlights! They're actually...UFO LIGHTS.
Demyx: Then Harry arrived with the aliens and abducted the entire cast!
Marluxia: And then, Vexen kicked down one of the locked doors and discovered that a Shiba Inu had been controlling the events of the fanfic all along!
Vexen: Then I grabbed the nearest shotgun AND SHOT THAT DAMN DOG IN ITS BARKING FACE SO THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE OR HEAR THIS WRETCHED FANFIC AGAIN AAAAUUUUGGGHH!!--
Demyx: *collapses out of his chair, exhausted* Game over, guys! GAME OVER!
Voice: As you can see, you've reached the end of the line. Although you have escaped from this fic in one piece, you will never be able to wipe it from your memory.
Axel: Wait just a damned minute..."the end of the line?!"
Vexen: ...No, it can't...
Axel summons his chakrams, and chucks one at the screen. It flickers, and the image of the fic is replaced with a familiar red-orange face with wide-set eyes.
MCP: PAYBACK'S A BITCH, FOOLISH USERS!
The Organization: …!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!---

Meanwhile, on Destiny Islands, Sora, Riku and Kairi are enjoying another bright and sunny day on the beach. Suddenly, Sora gets on odd look on his face, and shivers.
Kairi: *concerned* What is it, Sora?
Sora: I don't know. I just got this funny feeling...like about half a dozen voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.
Riku: Now that's weird.
Sora: Yeah.
All: ...
Riku: ...So you guys wanna go get ice cream?
Sora: I'll race ya there!
Kairi: Yeah, let's go!
The three run off.

See, I toooold you so. But you didn't listen! HA! And you can't bitch to me as I am spiking my eggnog and in twenty-four hours hope to have forgotten everything except where the toilet and the Excedrin are. Happy Holidays.

Curiosity Killed The...Everyone? - (PART TWO)

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:23:31 GMT

Welcome to part two! If you want to read the stats on this fanfic, check the first part.
------------------------

Title: The Blood Game
Author: The Crimson Luna Diviner
Rating: YES. ANSEM. Oh god. FUN FACT: We considered making a Baldsem rating.

Long and detailed description on Marluxia's very gay dungeon-slash-bedroom. And by the way, surprise buttsecks.

“No! Just let go of m-”

Vexen was cut short as he received a forceful whack in the back of his head.

Zexion: What, did Marluxia head-butt him from behind?

“Just stop whining already.

Axel: *as Marluxia* Shut up and take your assrape like a man!

Do I look like a person who takes pity on others?”

Axel: No, but you do look like the kind of person who can be tricked into monologing long enough to miss the fact that the victim has hightailed it out of here.

Marluxia asked, his eyes narrowing. “I might not be as morbid as Zexion or Saïx, but that doesn’t mean I am any less cruel.”

Vexen: Dammit, I'm thinking Sora really did get off easily, and that fact greatly disturbs me.

“Marluxia…don’t…please…”

Laughing, Marluxia pushed him forward to have him land face first in the bed.

Demyx: *as Marluxia, plays* You won't shout, as I fiddle about, fiddle about, FIDDLE ABOUT!

“I didn’t figure you the type for begging, Vexen.

Axel: I coulda told you that. *smug*
Vexen: *glare* Die in an avalanche.

Though I must say it’s a wondrous sight.”

Demyx: Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles!

Fingers don't go there!

But have no worries,” he snickered. “I find lube so much better. Makes it go faster and slide easier.

Axel: Man, of ALL the fanfics out there to actually remember the lube...
Demyx: You don't want his lube; he uses Crisco!

I like things slippery” he purred, another moan leaving him as he kept grinding down on Vexen’s chest.

Zexion: Keep doing that, and you're going to leave a hole in it!
Axel: Well, he did say he was going to get every hole...

“N-no! I am not letting you do this!” Vexen cried, twisting around again to make Marluxia fall off, panting now.

Demyx: Except for the part where you kind of are.
Marluxia: *as Katz, again* I wish you hadn't done that!

It was so goddamn humiliating, and he knew it would be painful as well, no matter what Marluxia said.

Marluxia: Just like us in the audience.

“You know, if you keep resisting me I might just have to give you a good whipping,” Marluxia grunted,

Demyx: *riffs* SO WHIP IT! Whip it good!
Vexen: I'm no longer your whipping boy! I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more!

shuffling in the sheets to get the advantage again, one hand grabbing Vexen’s hair and winding up tightly in it.

Axel: Here's the wind up, aaaand the pitch...
Zexion: Oh terrific, now Marluxia's claws are gonna be stuck in his hair and he won't be able to get them out.

“Let go,” Vexen choked, pressing his eyes shut as he tried to get free, tugging back on his hair.

Marluxia: Vexenzel, Vexenzel, let down your golden locks!

“Oh please,” Marluxia snorted, jerking hard at the blonde tresses and pushed Vexen’s face into his lap, rubbing his groin against him. “Oooh Right where I want you,” he gasped, arching his hips just a little.

Demyx: Right where you want me~! *best Roxas impression*

“Mmf! Marluxia!” Vexen gasped, trying to pull away as best as he could but ended up with the bulge in Marluxia’s pants pressed against his lips and cheek.

Vexen: The tent in your pants is so irritating.

“You know what to do,”

Vexen: Bite?

Marluxia breathed, zipping his pants up, one hand bringing out his heavy manhood.

Demyx: Shouldn't that be zipping his pants down?
Axel: He's zippered himself in!
All: AAAAACK

Vexen’s nostrils were filled with a thick scent of roses, half choking him.

Vexen: Roses?!
Demyx: I guess Marluxia douches.
Marluxia: What the bloody--
Axel: BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Zexion: What, does his piss smell like daisies, too?

How on earth Marluxia thought that would fit into his mouth was unbelievable, not to say disgusting and repulsive.

Vexen: Not to mention disturbing, unheard of and vile.
Axel: IT NEEDS MORE ADJECTIVES!
Voice: I'm afraid I do not take requests.
Axel: ............*suspicious*

“I didn’t take it out for you to admire it,” Marluxia said maliciously,

Zexion: So he says.
Demyx: He took it out for you to gawk at its freakishness!

yanking Vexen closer so he had his face buried against the hot flesh, giving muffled sounds of protest. “Vexen” Marluxia whined softly, stroking his hair. “Unless you want to be brutally killed, cut up and served in one of Saïx’ foul courses then I suggest you start sucking.

Zexion: Oh, he's been doing plenty of that already.
Axel: Suck more or less than this dialogue?

Without my protection you will suffer a particularly nasty death.

Vexen: Marluxia's an insurance salesman for his day job.

I will have my fun with you whether you want it or not anyway.”

Vexen glanced up at Marluxia, face painted with horror. What kind of options was that?

Axel: It could be worse!
Vexen: Oh?
Axel: Cake or death!
Vexen: *sneer*

Be raped and brutally murdered or be raped several times?

Marluxia: He forgot being raped while being brutually murdered or being raped after being brutually murdered.
Zexion: Even Pyramid Head couldn't keep up with this.

You'll suck on it and like it, boy!

He felt the whole length jerking in his mouth as his tongue slid along the underside of what he could reach and he pulled away in fear just as Marluxia let out a pleased sound, white, warm liquids splattering Vexen’s face and the back of his throat as he cum.

Demyx: Face AND the back of his throat?
Zexion: Is his cock a sawed-off shotgun or something?
Axel: And here I thought you'd go harping on the tense changes again.
Zexion: One piece of whatthefuckery at a time, please.

“Ahhh I will have to give you more training in that,” he murmured in a satisfied tone.

Marluxia: We'll have to run you through the new employee training sessions and then the safety video.

“But for now that will do.

Axel: *as Marluxia* That'll do, pig. That'll do.

With your mouth at any rate.”

Vexen’s eyes widened. No. Not more?

Vexen: Please, sir, I DON'T want some more!

After this, Vexen is chained to a wall. Marluxia leaves to transform into WEREJARETH.

Vexen was very nearly blinded. His more ordinary clothes had been swapped for thigh-high stilettos with high, high pointy heels and fishnet stockings connecting to his shamefully short leather skirt, short enough to reveal all of his long, elegant legs, barely covering his rear and groin and so tight it was a wonder he could move, and he definitely had no underwear.

Demyx: HOLY DARKNESS, he's a genderbender!
Axel: Rejected from the Sailor Scouts: Marluxia.

His top was a sleeveless thing in black leather like the skirt, high neck with an iron collar, cut off at the bottom so his flat stomach was bare, as was most of his hips.

Zexion: Seifer called, and he wants his shirt back.

On his arms he wore long latex gloves, reaching to past his elbows. His face was heavily made up with a implausible violet eye shadow combined with glitter, absurdly long eyelashes and deep purple lipstick.

Demyx: He's just a sweet transvestite....from Transsexual, Transylvaniaaaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaa-aaaa!!

“What do you think?” he purred, eyes fixed on Vexen’s rear with a horribly hungry expression.

All: IT STINKS.
Vexen: Violet eyeshadow with pink hair? Is the man blind as well as psychotic?

“…Disgusting,” Vexen sneered, looking away with another whimper, loathing to be forced into submission by this… thing.

Zexion: Oh, quit whining, Vexen. In those heels, he's bound to trip on that stone floor and snap his spine or something.
Demyx: Just make sure you get a bit of hair from the Werejareth that bit you!

Marluxia breaks out the lube!

He cringed, feeling gloved fingers running over his rear, smearing the lube out over his buttocks,

Demyx: YOU'RE DOIN IT WRONG

groping and feeling, sliding smoothly and easily. It felt… almost nice… having his rear and underside massaged like that.

Axel: Marluxia: Registered Butt Masseuse.

Slick… wet…

Zexion: Adjective with ellipses...adjective with ellipses...

But the fear, and knowing it was Marluxia made it more or less insufferable.

Axel: So it was nice, except for the part where it was insufferable. Okay, again!
Marluxia: QUITE THE PARADOX, huh Axel?

He felt three gloved fingers rubbing against his opening that was barely accessible as his pants were still sitting pretty high up on his thighs. He felt the wet liquids running everywhere, dripping down in his pants, seeping down his thighs.

Vexen: Hell, now I'm never going to get these stains out of corduroy.
Marluxia: Dry liquids would be much more manageable.

He tried not to groan at the fingers.

Vexen: *groans* Stupid fingers! Stop that before I break you in half!

As long as they didn’t enter it wasn’t really painful.

Zexion: Pity the yaoi fans like penetration and not fronting, eh?

Then he felt his shirt being slid off of his shoulders, torn up and thrown aside.

Demyx: ...Aren't his arms still in chains? How is this working?
Marluxia: Selective Physics as Applied to Buttsecks, clearly.

More cold liquids were spilled over his shoulders, back and chest, those gloved hands smearing it out in his skin, over his chest, rubbing and pinching his nipples which were going hard and red in the cold air, then down his back, again rubbing and kneading his rear. Marluxia knew what he was doing…

Demyx: Lubing his back and chest?! NO HE DOESN'T.

Okay, so he breaks out the motherloving TRUCKLOAD of lube.

He bit his tongue hard, just to distract himself from the touches.

Marluxia: What, no biting his tongue until he draws blood?
Axel: COME ON, fanfic! Abuse those cliches! Make them squeal!

He would not be further humiliated. He’d rather die than take pleasure from this.

Vexen: BUT WE JUST SPENT ALMOST HALF THE FIC ESTABLISHING HOW I'D RATHER BE RAPED THAN DIE STUPID CONTRADICTORY CHARACTERIZATION FU--
Zexion: Hey Vexen, easy on the capslock of rage.
Axel: It's one of the many side effects of one-handed typing.

“Now then, we can get started,”

Marluxia: That monster of a paragraph didn't count as "starting?"
Axel: Sex begins and ends with what makes the penetrator feel good, Marluxia. Duh.

Marluxia hissed, voice husky and needing, one hand firmly stroking Vexen’s rear.

Zexion: Quit that, the damn thing's gotta be red as Axel's hair by now.

He dug his hand into the box, pulling out a large vibrator.

Demyx: *as Marluxia* I call this one the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple Asshole-Eater!

He poured the same liquids out over it,

Axel: So, basically, if Vexen sneezes the vibe is gonna shoot across the room.
Demyx: Man, instead of no lube, they went too far in the opposite direction!

positioning it at Vexen’s entrance.

“C-cold,” Vexen choked, trying to wriggle away.

Zexion: Buttsex is a dish best served cold.
Marluxia: Yeah, you're the expert on that, Necroboy.

“Oh, I can imagine you will be rather warm when I am done with you,” Marluxia breathed,

Vexen: This dialogue would embarrass George Lucas.
Axel: Oh, he'll be ON FIRE, I imagine. *burninating finger twitches*
Voice: Vexen won't be.
All: ......

Blah blah buttrape blah blah blah.

Meanwhile Marluxia was busy with his own rigid erection,

Zexion: His hard, stiff, upright, rigid, erect erection.
Demyx: Ordered it from the Redundancy Department of Redundancy's ordering service.

smothering it in a good portion of the lube,

Axel: Geez, is he buying this stuff in bulk at Costco?

including his own opening and ass, rocking slightly back and forth to feel the smooth skin of his underside sliding against each other

Demyx: Sooooo Marluxia is turned on by his own buttcheeks rubbing against each other.
All: ....*SPFFFFT*

as he pumped himself into full hardness, panting softly. It didn’t seem as if he cared that he made a mess. Much of the liquids had spilled on the floor and over himself, but more than anything on Vexen.

Axel: Well, once you've passed a certain point you simply cannot get any wetter than you already are.

Said blonde gave a relieved gasp as the vibrator was pulled back out, his body shaking.

Zexion: Only to have it be replaced by a roll of barbed wire.
All: *WINCE!*

And then he felt Marluxia’s wet crotch pressed to his ass.

Demyx: I love the feel of swampy pubes in the morning.

Understand, men do not revere the rosecock as Vexen does!

Just as he thought it was done, he felt the vibrator at his opening again and he screamed as Marluxia pushed it back into him together with his own member, both slamming in harder and faster still

Demyx: DOUBLE PRIZES?!!

and he knew he was tearing, he could feel the warm blood between his thighs

Zexion: You're sure that's blood?

together with other liquids he rather not think about.

Axel: Lube, lube, bile, lube, and more lube!

This time it was nothing but pain, and even so Marluxia was not satisfied.

Marluxia: *as himself* We need MORE SEXUAL KINKS jammed ruthlessly into one session!
Vexen: *rubbing temples* It would certainly be in theme with this nightmare.

He paused his pace to rummage around in the box again, finding a second vibrator, lubricating it before spreading his own legs,

Vexen: OH, for the love of baby Bulky Vendors singing "Springtime for Hitler" on a gummi ship. This is just ridiculous.
Demyx: Marluxia's his own daisy chain!

pressing it into himself with a soft moan, rocking back on it causing Vexen to groan at the stirring inside himself. Next he pulled out a rather nasty looking horsewhip,

Axel: His wife? A HORSE.

unshackling one of Vexen’s hands and moving it to Vexen’s own rear, forcing him to seize the first vibrator.

“You know what to do,” he panted,

Vexen: *innocently* See if a vibrator can in fact be parcel in an assault with a deadly weapon charge?

And so, both Vexen and the English language are raped.<

“Delightful,” Marluxia purred, unshackling Vexen’s other hand simply to pull him down into the nest he had for bed, still buried deep inside him.

Vexen: Does no one writing these things realize that those muscles are specifically designed to PUSH OUT soft, cylindrically-shaped objects?!
Demyx: Well, if we had some of those yaoi cliche bingo cards, this could be another mark on them?

“Let me go,” Vexen begged, voice weak and broken, just like his body.

Vexen: And faith in humanity.
Axel: When have you ever had faith in humanity?

“Who will I cuddle all night then?” Marluxia asked, faking a pout as he nuzzled Vexen’s shoulder.

Vexen: How about Saix?
Zexion: Maybe he can stop neglecting all his blowup dolls.

“What if Saïx found you wandering the hallways? He would have you for supper.”

Axel: Christ, someone get Saix on a Weight Watchers program.

Vexen and Marluxia go to sleep in their own filth. Yay! We are very violently switched to an entirely different scene.

The slender limbs lay spread out on the stone floor, wide enough for the boy to lean down and lick up the blood that stained the inside of her thighs. He savoured the bitter taste for a moment before leaning back, admiring her skinny frame. Larxene’s short hair was ruffled.

Vexen: God damn, I thought we were through with her already.
Demyx: *hides eyes*
Marluxia: And what, you watched through all the buttrape, but not this?
Demyx: I like to pretend the blatant misogyny doesn't exist, thanks.

Blonde strands lay across her pale face and obscured parts one blue eye reminding of a glass orb, staring out at nothing in particular.

Axel: It's Mad-Eye Larxy!

Her clothes had been removed, and her breast was bleeding from several letters and symbols that had been carved into her remaining skin.

Axel: The DeCapitated Code?
Marluxia: Quick! To the Vatican!

Her ribs were completely visible, as skin and flesh had been removed, as well as her thighs and shins, which were nothing but bloody craters where you could see the bone. Except of the few drops still leaking from her chest, and what had seemed from between her legs, all her blood seemed to have been drained, like when you slaughter a cow by cutting its throat and letting all the blood spill.

Vexen: And here I was thinking more along the lines of classic vampirism.

Her throat had been more or less ripped out.

Zexion: More or less.
Marluxia: For better or for worse.

There was barely flesh left on her bones, just enough for Zexion to be sated.

Vexen: Where the hell's he gonna stick it? Between her ribs?
Axel: And if not, he can just pour some Larxene stroganoff on the pelvis, and--
Zexion: *smashes his fingers with Lexicon*

“Consider this… your burial,” he murmured, picking the candlestick up again and moving it, a few drops of wax falling down in her skinned face as he tipped the candle. Immediately the room was filled with the scent of burning hair.

Axel: OH YEAH, I'M SO SURE.
Marluxia: What'd he do, wash her hair with gasoline before going into necro-mode?

It didn’t take long before the blazing flames had consumed her blonde locks and began their slow consummation of what skin was left on her scalp.

Demyx: I'm not even looking and I can tell that makes no sense.

Quickly Zexion dropped what clothes he had, pushing them out of the way.

Marluxia: And here I thought I was supposed to be the flaming one.
Axel: I am going to laugh so hard when he runs out into the hall screaming with his dick on fire.

Just as he roughly pushed his rigid member into her the smell changed to that of charred flesh.

Axel: Hasn't been burning long enough to char! I think "roasting" is the term you're looking for here.

The stone underneath her head was quickly blackening with ash from the flames, her skin withering to black, crumbling and turning to dust even as her corpse was abused by the boy, twitching now and then as he struck a knot of nerves.

Axel: ...*snooort*
Marluxia: *spffft*
Vexen: *scoff*
All: *give in and burst into uproarious laughter*

The heat grew by the minute, the dancing flames crackling around her ears mixed with the low moans and gasps from Zexion.

Demyx: *hiding* She's just a HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN' LOVE!

The warmth from the burning corpse was almost too much by the time he came.

Marluxia: He never realized it actually was too much.
Axel: *as Zexion* OH GOD, MY DICK IS ON FIRE!

He took a deep breath, his crotch covered in blood as he pulled away from her and got away from the flames to rest against the wall, a sated smile on his lips.

Zexion: Oh for--Someone give him a towel or something.

Saix interrupts this madness!

“We have a situation,” Saïx muttered darkly.

Demyx: *as Saix* We're batshit crazy fucks.

“The blonde… Naminé… It was Marluxia’s job to get her down to the kitchen, but he had been occupying himself with that man, Vexen…Now the girl is nowhere to be found and you’re sitting here shagging corpses.”

Axel: *as Saix* Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? Gawd.
Demyx: Hey, go Namine! At least she has a brain cell!

Zexion gave him a displeased look, pulling his cape back on and chaining it to his shoulders.

Axel: What's making him emo is that no matter how he tries, he will never rock the cape the way Kamina does.
Marluxia: MIGHTY EMO will remedy this situation!

“You need to get laid. Let the faggot play as he wishes.”

Vexen: And talk in middle school insults while he does it.

“And end up like you, fucking dead women in mid-period?

All: ...
Zexion: ...Now that is a detail I could have lived a long and miserable non-life without ever knowing.

I don’t think so. Did I mention Naminé was heading towards your rooms?”

Vexen: He can't find Namine...but knows exactly where she is.
Demyx: The homing devices are working perfectly!

A most cruel smile spread over Zexion’s lips.

“Brilliant. Simply marvellous. That means she is mine. Marluxia won’t miss her.

Demyx: She's the girl all the bad guys DON'T want, apparently.

He wouldn’t touch a woman with a ten metre long flagpole.”

Axel: Whoa, when did he become British?

Saïx watched in silence as Zexion threw a bucket of water over the blazing corpse, leaving but a few charred bones.

Marluxia: Yeah, wouldn't want the Hot Topic brand four-poster to get singed.
Zexion: I'm not cleaning that up, just so you know.

Then the boy moved over to a cupboard in steel,

Vexen: Is he wearing chain mail now?

taking out a pickaxe. Saïx couldn’t help mirroring the smirk.

“Make sure to get her somewhere in the range of the surveillance cameras. I want to see this.”

Axel: *as Saix* We can sell the tape to America's Funniest Home Massacres!

Meanwhile, Namine is searching for clues! ...In Zexion's room!

She took a deep breath, uncertain of what to do. Should she take a look?

Axel: What do you, the viewers at home, think?
Zexion: It's like "Choose Your Own Grisly Murder."

Maybe she could reach the bottom of this…

Marluxia: A heroic effort, Namine, but the barrel's bottom is always plummeting downwards leaving in its wake more creative and odious effluvia.

As silent as she managed she pushed the door open, slipping inside as soon as the gap was large enough. Was that… blood on the altar?

Vexen: Zexion was supposed to use the ram that God provided for him in the thicket, but nooooo.

She felt a shiver run down her spine. The room seemed so cold and dead… Well, she would only have to look around and see if she could find anything.

Axel: YOU SEE YE FLASK.
Demyx: *as Namine* I try and get ye flask.
Axel: YOU CAN'T GET YE FLASK!
Marluxia: Now she'll have to stand there wondering why she can't get ye flask!
Zexion: And there's no precious graphics to help her.

Repulsed she began looking through the objects piled up on a desk, blood splattered paper, books, odd jewellery… there had to be something here that would tell her about the three people living in this mansion…

Demyx: Personally, I think she's seen enough.

What they were doing, where they came from…

Marluxia: We come from Planet Fukurshitup!
Demyx: *diva's* I lost my heart to a STAAAR-SHIP-TROOPER!

She arched a brow, her eyes landing on a pile of videotapes, marked with labels such as “kitchen”, “guest room”, “attic”, and other sorts. Videotapes from surveillance cameras…?

Axel: Or Martha Stewart's new Home Decorating instructional videos? YOU DECIDE.

Namine pockets a few of these Very Mysterious Videos. Enter a cheerful Zexion, swinging a pickaxe!

He gave the pickaxe a light twirl. “I am sure I would enjoy it.”

“You aresick!” Naminé cried,

Demyx: ...He's airsick?
Marluxia: No no, he's arsenic.

pressing her eyes shut to keep the tears in as she wrenched the door open and was just about to run through as she realized it was no door at all but a wardrobe, and out from the wardrobe fell a heavy body, knocking her to the ground.

Axel: WHAT HAS NARNIA DONE?!
Vexen: Shouldn't have pissed off Aslan after all.

She screamed and pushed the corpse away,

Zexion: Oh stop screaming, everyone's got a few skeletons in their closet.

but then froze.

“No…”

She blanched, seeing the livid, cold

Vexen: That word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

face of her friend staring up at her with empty eyes.

“No!Demyx!!”

Demyx: *as himself* It's too late for me! Run!

She scrambled to her feet, backing away, and then turned to face Zexion with rage and fear on her features. “You monster!!”

Axel: I feel inclined to point out that, at this point, Namine has more balls than Vexen ever did.
Vexen: Shut it, you.

The boy merely shrugged.

Zexion: *as himself* Just as God made me, kid.

“What can I say? Comes with the job. Now be a nice lass and come her,”

Marluxia: Why is it that villains ALWAYS end up speaking with a British accent?

he said, holding his hand out to her as he stepped closer. “I am just going to cut you a little,” he snickered, eyeing her greedily.

Axel: Ah Zexion, when it comes to wrists, a pickaxe is kind of overdoing it.

Naminé bit her lip hard.

Axel: AND DREW BLOOD.
Vexen: Sorry, I still think that's a no-go.
Axel: Of all the cliches to skip over.

Namine makes a break for it! She gets to the stairs, then gets a pickaxe lodged in her ankle.

The pickaxe was buried deep in her flesh, right over her heel. Zexion had pounced at her, snagging her leg as she ran. Those insane eyes leered down at her, and she tried to scramble to her feet,

Zexion: Or one of them, anyway.

pull away from the sharp axe, anything, anything to get away from that horrible monster.

Demyx: Get his cape stuck in a jet turbine!

With a gasp she felt the pickaxe was removed, and she slid a few steps down the stairs. The pain was so much she could barely move and she tried to drag herself away from Zexion but to no avail.

Zexion: She searched everywhere but not a single comma was to be found to no avail.

He grabbed her by her collar, dragging her down the last steps and to her own horror she saw it was the entrance hall. Tears streamed down her cheek. It was all over now…

Vexen: No, only about sixty-percent over. *sigh*

The squinted, seeing Zexion move over to the doors, unlocking them and pushing them open. She could smell the rain and he moist,

Demyx: He's moist? Ewwww.
Axel: Holy HELL, Marluxia, your stupid lube just got everywhere!

fresh scent of pinewood and earth. Freedom was there, a few meters before her. Zexion stood aside, holding the door as if waiting for her to pass, a wicked smile on his lips.

Axel: *as Zexion* YOU SHALL NOT PASS!...Or will you?
Vexen: Isn't this the fourth time in as many minutes he's had some kind of evil smile on his lips?

“Look. So close. If only the little bird could lift its head and fly away, but someone seems to have broken its wings.”

She lifted her head to look at him with eyes red from crying, tears still flowing freely. She couldn’t walk… That wound had taken all her balance.

All: SO CRAWL!!

“Please… let me go,” she begged, her voice hoarse and broken as she weakly reached her slender arms for the door, trying to drag herself to freedom.

Marluxia: *as Namine* Must...escape...blatant...ripoff...of..."Saw"...ending!...
Voice: Be careful about getting too meta, Number XI.
All: ...

“Go ahead,” Zexion said, smiling wider than ever. She gave him an uncertain look, then kept on with the struggle towards the door. She could make it…

Axel and Demyx: GO GO GO GO GO!
Vexen: You two are just going to be disappointed.
Axel: Namine's got the balls of this group. She actually has a chance.

she could reach freedom, no matter if she had to drag herself through the whole forest like this, anything to escape this madhouse.

Axel: Lovingly treated with all the care and attention of a Hostel 2 cameraman.

Just as her hands reached the doorstep Zexion slammed the door shut, eliciting a cry from the girl as he crushed her fingers with the door.

All: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Zexion: ...You guys riffed and joked at faces being torn off, dead bodies being fucked and Vexen getting double penetration, but scream at someone getting their fingers slammed in the door?
Demyx: But Zexion!
Axel: It's fingers. Being slammed in a door.
Zexion: .....Okay, you've got a point.

“Someone didn’t make it in time,” Zexion whispered,

Demyx: He never mentioned a time limit!

stomping his foot down on her wrist, an insane grin on his face as he received another small cry. She looked up at him with wide horrified eyes, watching him raise that pickaxe, ready to strike.

Axel: Smile for the camera, sweetie!

A high-pitched shriek ran through the room as the first blow landed, leaving a deep gash across Naminé’s forehead and right eye.

Marluxia: Little Zexy took an axe, and gave Namine forty whacks!
Zexion: *glower* And when he saw what he had done, he gave this fanfic forty-one.

Oh, we'll just do you a favor and skip over the whole bit with Namine's face getting hacked into bloody chunks. And then Zexion drags her off.

“Good morning star shine…”

Demyx: You are my star shiiiiine, my only star shiiiiine...

Vexen stirred at the soft, sickeningly sweet voice.

Marluxia: Onomatopiea: making your badfic look slightly better since someone gave a shit!

His rear was aching, almost as much as his pride, and his eyes remained tightly shut. He felt delicate, manicured fingers running through his hair, untangling some pesky knots.

Axel: I'll bet they're pesky, with that lube drying in them overnight.

“…The earth says hello…”

Demyx: *as Vexen* Tell the earth to screw it, I want five more minutes.
Vexen: Which reminds me: It could indeed be worse.
Marluxia: Oh?
Vexen: Instead of Marluxia, it could be Lexaeus.
All: DO NOT WANT

He let out a low grunt, pulling the silk sheets over his head with a harsh jerk. He hadn’t slept well and he could really do without Marluxia pestering him even further after what he had been subject to last night.

Axel: Man, trust the psycho Werejareth rapist to disturb your beauty sleep.

After all he had been through, and he was still forced to wake up next to that sick fuck…

“You have five minutes to get up,” was purred lowly into his ear and he felt the warmth of a body shift away from him, heard footsteps as the other left the little pond he had for a bed.

Zexion: Nest? Pond? Are we sure Marluxia isn't some kind of crazy furry?
Axel: With all the purring, I wouldn't be surprised.

Right… what more could Marluxia do that he hadn’t already done?

Marluxia: Vexen, please stop asking these sorts of rhetorical questions.

Insert long emo diatribe on how violated Vexen is and how his body and life are ruined for-ev-errrrrr. Marluxia wants him to hurry it up already.

“Did you get any of that? We are having a bath, sleepy. I am not waiting another minute,”

Zexion: Ahhh, he's waited ten hours too long, he can wait a little more.

Marluxia said, ignoring Vexen’s confused and disturbed look, hauling him to his feet. Vexen clutched the bathrobe tightly, trying to put it on without exposing himself.

Axel: Coming soon from the Playboy mansion: wrinkly and whiny old scientists, EXPOSED!

“Lilac fits you,” Marluxia purred. It took a moment for him to realize his tormentor was referring to the robe.

Vexen: ...What would I think he's referring to?
Demyx: He's gonna get him a lilacock do go with Marluxia's rosecock!

He didn’t reply, simply glared at the floor as he tied the rope.

Vexen: Oh, I'm going to hang myself. Good plan.

“Now come.”

Vexen wanted to protest, but as Marluxia grabbed his arm and hauled him along he really didn’t have much to say.

Vexen: How about NO, NO WAY, STOP, THIS IS WRONG, YOU'RE HURTING ME, I DON'T WANT THIS, LEAVE ME ALONE, YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES?!

His mind was still a blur of pain and humiliation, only half aware of what was happening.

“You know I have been up for three hours lately. Seriously, people today,” Marluxia sighed,

Marluxia: Damn kids playing their loud music when I'm trying to rape someone in peace and quiet!
Axel: Mighty Emo there must've been blasting his Savage Garden all night.

though offered Vexen his sweetest smile as he pulled him out of the bedroom and through a door across the hallway. It was a rather large bathroom with clean white tiles, a huge spotless mirror over the sink,

Demyx: Spotless? Oh, YEAH RIGHT.

a small shower with thick glass walls around, a toilet and… Vexen could have bent over and retched had his mind still been functioning properly.

Vexen: *sneer* Oh don't worry, I'm sure I can still manage for him.

Next to a wall made entirely out of one giant mirror stood a large, round bathtub filled to the brim with what could only be blood.

Axel: Jareth of Bathory, pleased to make your acquaintance.

Where all the blood came from he didn’t want to know,

Axel: There was a run on the blood bank!
Marluxia: Geez, the movie "A Bucket of Blood" didn't have this much blood.

but the panic that rose inside him as he heard a faint click was obvious. It was as if he couldn’t feel anything but fear any longer.

Demyx: *as Vexen* SAVE US, Scrubbing Bubbles!

Had enough? If so, that's most unfortunate, as there's still a part three all ready and waiting for you!

Curiosity Killed The...Everyone? - (PART ONE)

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:23:19 GMT

Happy Holidays, everyone! Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Joyous Kwanzaa, a most serene Solstice, Felicitous Festivus, Super Saturnalia, and a jolly Heathens-Go-To-The-Movies-And-Eat-At-Denny's Day! (I think that's everyone, let me know if I missed someone).

This fic comes to you out of what is, in my experience, the true Christmas Feeling: Getting the flu, late night shopping, your car getting buried in snow and frozen solid in an ice storm, cutting winds, trying to find the least picked-over turkey, burning the stuffing, forgetting to buy the wine, negotiating gifts with relatives who hate each other, staying up late wrapping, putting off mailing gifts until the last minute, forgetting where you put the tree-topper, trying to get an eight-foot spruce through a standard-sized doorway, babies spitting up on the stockings, forgetting which toddler-aged cousins still believe in Santa Claus when louding planning shopping trips, freezing your ass off making the lights work in aforementioned ice storm, planning three major meals around the food allergies and restrictions of at least two-dozen people, losing all the old boxes and wrapping paper from last year, being criminally late for the services, ornaments smashing, cats scaling the tree, dogs drinking from the tree water, and my Great Aunt Mary's tuna noodle casserole. And we all know my own personal philosophy--if I have to suffer, so does everyone else.

Look out for gore, character death, cannibalism, necrophilia, lighting people on fire, face-ripping-off, buttrape, vibes, blood, and egregious use of the word "sugary." Also, this fic has absolutely no relation to Christmas whatsoever. Except maybe for that damn casserole.

--------------------------------------------------

Title: The Blood Game
Author: The Crimson Luna Diviner
Rating: YES. ANSEM. Oh god. FUN FACT: We considered making a Baldsem rating.

Full Name (including any titles): Sora, Demyx, Larxene, Axel, Kairi, Namine, Saix, and Zexion...but the IMPORTANT ONES are Marluxia, Vexen, and their TRUE LOVE.
Full Species(es): Canonicus Toostupidtoliviticus, Canonicus normanbatesius
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): As canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Well, they all look normal....and then the knives came out.
Special Possessions (if any): (how to do this without spoiling...) A big ol' house, the Bistro Of Fun, the Altar of True Love, The Bathroom of Good Hygiene, A Totally Heterosexual Wardrobe, and The Fully Finished Basement Rumpus Room.

Origin: 24-hour Halloween Movie Marathon.
Connections To Canon Characters: Body-snatched them.
Special Abilities: Defy the laws of culinary physics, half the cast would bleed to death if you tapped them on the shoulder while the other half could get hit with a Mack truck and not even feel it, also immune to law enforcement.
Other Annoying Traits: Marluxia is Supergay, Zexion randomly becomes faux-British halfway through, Saix is IT'S A COOKBOOK, Vexen has the most hideous things happen to him AND YET I still want him to shut his whining face, and everyone else has their personality pastede on yay and will change them as befits the plot.

I Say/Notes: Oh this is so not worksafe. Nor brainsafe. It's just plain gross, really. Marluxia/Vexen taken care of, then.......The fic is gory, nasty, bloody, rapey, and generally splatterific. The weak-stomached are advised to pass this over.

...

...Oh fine. I knew you were gonna read anyways. But don't come crying to me when you're done.

Sample:

Our sporking opens in the porno theater, mucky and pungent as usual. Zexion and Marluxia are milling about the front row, looking mildly concerned, when three portals of darkness open. Axel, Demyx and Vexen step through.
Demyx: The porno one? Awww man, I don't like this theater! It smells.
Axel: *stretches* Yeah, and so does your mom. I can handle anything this place chucks at me, so let's just get this over with.
Zexion: That may be difficult. We can't seem to locate a script.
Axel: So? They probably just ran out of that glossy photo paper to print it on.
Zexion: But to my understanding, every sporking we've done has a script. *He points to the projection booth* And Cid appears to be missing, too.
Vexen: But if Cid didn't give us this assignment, then who?...
Suddenly, a sound like an air raid siren goes off in the theater, causing the five to cover their ears. An enormous black portal opens in the floor directly beneath the five Nobodies, and they fall inside. They plummet through the hole and land unceremoniously in an entirely new room.
Looking around, they discover that this new room looks like a sporking theater, but with a few...unsavory changes. The walls and floors are composed of rust-covered grids, the screen is old and cracked, the seats are all-metal, and various chains, cables and wires twist down from the ceiling. The sporking theater now looks more like a torture chamber.
Vexen: What the fu—
Suddenly, an electronically-altered voice interrupts him
Voice: Welcome, members of Organization XIII. I'd like to play a little game.
All: ...
Axel: ...If it's that putting up posters minigame, you can forget it, 'cause I suck at that one.
Voice: Ah. The famous Axel, master of sporkings. I'm afraid, Number VIII, that losing this game my cost you your life--
Demyx: Oh oh oh wait, I know this one! We're gonna have to gnaw off our own feet or something like that, but don't drain the bathtub, because the key is actually in—
Vexen: Shut up, Demyx.
Voice: --Or at least your sanity. To win this game, all you must do is survive this sporking with your sense of humor in one piece.
Marluxia: Forget this crap, I'm withdrawing right now, Mr. Mysterious Voice. *He holds up a hand to open a portal of darkness, but nothing happens.* What the hell? Where's my portal?
Voice: I'm afraid you will not escape so easily. This sporking theater exists in a virtual reality created by me, and your powers of teleportation will not work here. In this game, we play by my rules.
Axel: Trapped in a small space with people I hate, doing things I hate? You mean the rules of pretty much every existing multifandom RP on LiveJournal?
Voice: The only way to escape from this sporking theater is to finish the fanfic. Do so, and you may come away with a greater appreciation for your non-lives.
The Organization members slowly seat themselves in the uncomfortable chairs
Marluxia: This is your fault, Axel, and I'll see that you pay dearly for this.
Axel: How the hell is this MY fault?!
Marluxia: It just is.
Vexen and Zexion: He's got a point.
Demyx: ...Do we at least get some snacks?
Voice: No.
Demyx: *frown*

Steady hammering against the roof of the bus.

Demyx: Hammerframe Repair Service! We'll beat some sense into ANYTHING!

Water tickled down the windows in a steady stream, the insides of the cool glass fogged up with white damp contrasting against the pitch-black darkness outside.

Marluxia: Rose and Jack must be in the bus.
Zexion: It looks like this sentence tried to steal some body mass from the first one.

“It’s raining...”

Demyx: It's pouring, the old man is snooooring!

Vexen's trying to read, but Axel just wants to start a conversation!

“We are seven people stuck in a buss, lost in the middle of a forest, in a terrible storm.

Vexen: Wow, I feel better about this story already.
Marluxia: And what's worse, if the bus drops below 55mph, it'll explode!

Unless you want to start another fight, keep your mouth shut and drive.”

Vexen: Shut up and eat your Scooby Snacks, Shaggy.
Demyx: You got the keys, baby--shut up and drive! *riffs*

Silence, but for the prickling of raindrops against the roof of the bus. It was far from new, and had definitely seen better days.

Marluxia: It's the Partridge Family, ten years later!

Water was seeping down the inside of the walls, pooling up on the floor.

Demyx: Hey look, they're in a CARPOOL! Get it?
Zexion: *fwaps*

Naminé had long since given up on sitting, having her feet wet constantly.

Axel: Standing worked so much better.

She had rather curled up on a seat, her head rested in Demyx’ lap.

Marluxia: *turns on Demyx* What.
Demyx: IT'S PLATONIC.

Larxene is also hogging the back end of this bus.

The only problem was Axel as the driver sat next to him, meaning he got all sorts of stupid questions about his work.

Axel: Hey Vexen? Why exactly is your work NOT meaningless drivel and a pathetic attempt to relive halcyon days of relevance to your peers?
Vexen: *seeeeethe*

To occupy himself he had brought a notebook, which he was reading through.

Vexen: "1. The human whose name is written in this notebook shall die."

Or at least trying.

Axel: It would help more if he could read past a fourth grade level.

Sora and Kairi had snuggled up on two seats not far behind him, sleeping soundly through the building thunder.

Zexion: What, no Riku?
Axel: Considering his track record, he's probably going to end up as one of the crazy rapists or whoever.

“Hang on, I think I see light somewhere to the left of us,” Axel mumbled.

Zexion: Don't go into the light.
Demyx: Uh oh guys, looks like the Scooby Gang's about to stumble upon another wacky mystery!

“Well it definitely can’t be the clouds breaking up,” Vexen replied,

Marluxia: Cumulus and Nimbus signed a complicated prenup. The divorce would be too hideously messy.

twisting in his seat to get a better view. Meanwhile Demyx had eased away from Naminé, slightly flustered looking as he scrambled over to the other side of the bus to look.

Axel: *tour radio voice* And if you'll look over to your left, you'll see the historic House of a Thousand Badfics, a popular filming location for badfics and their sequels throughout the past four decades!
All: Oooooh.

“I think I can see windows…

Zexion: Vista or XP?
Vexen: Either way, it's still not thinking with portals.

Turn over, maybe we can find somewhere to stay till the storm is over, or get some directions.”

Marluxia: Or get raped and murdered in the most horrible ways imaginable.
Voice: It's not nice to give away spoilers, Number XI.
Marluxia: I wasn't...it was a joke...
All: .....

Axel turns onto the dirt road towards the liiiiights.

Vexen continued, an annoyed frown on his face. “Your job was to get me through this damned forest, and you do what? Get us all lost, that’s what!”

Marluxia: The rain is interfering with figuring out which way Saria's Song is coming from.
Demyx: Or he could just go up, over, down, and over!
Vexen: I'm sure they're going to accommodate us all and explain where I am going, why I need Axel to drive me there, and how it is possible for someone whose job it is to drive people places to get a bus lost in a forest.
All: ...
Axel: Or the bus's license plate could just be PLTDVCE.

Vexen’s voice echoed through the buss for another five minutes before they reached an opening between the trees.

Demyx: Wow, nice reverb on that bus.
Zexion: No no, you mean "buss." Like a bus, only full of whiny morons.

Then his voice trailed of, together with anyone else’s.

Vexen: What, were we all singing a song?
Demyx: *sings* The wheels on the fic go suck suck suck, suck suck suck, suck suck suck...

Demyx managed to trip over a seat in his urge to look through the front window, landing hard onto Sora and Kairi, having them wake with more than just a few curses, though quickly silenced again at the sight before them.

Marluxia: Look, a sentence that's not running on! What a sight to behold.

A large iron gate stood open, leading into a huge courtyard in front of an even larger mansion.

Axel: Hey, I know where we are! Twilight Town!
Vexen: Or a twisted computerized doppelgangerverse.

It could have been a castle, as it had three towers, placed in a triangle, the rest of the house built in a circle between them.

Demyx: What, is this house modeled after the Deathly Hallows?
Zexion: Wait, no, it's actually a rejected model of Castle Oblivion.
Marluxia: FINALLY, I'll be able to order you sorry saps into some proper characterization.

Only the front doors were large enough for two trucks to fit in at the same time. The windows were high, arched and with beautiful stained glass, throwing multicoloured light down on the wet courtyard.

Zexion: This is what Vexen came to study: How stained glass windows can light up the outdoors in a thunderstorm.

“Holy… shit…”

Vexen: Architecture defying the laws of physics! Experimentation JACKPOT!

“Who on earth builds a mansion in the middle of nowhere,”

Axel: Most celebrities?

Let's go ask for directions, gang!

It felt like an eternity of waiting in apprehension before one of the double doors slowly creaked open. Everyone tensed up as a yellow eye peered through the crack, measuring them up and down before letting the door open.

Axel: We wish to speak with your master, Jabba the Hutt!

“Well, well… Tourists?” a flat voice asked.

Vexen: *as voice* I am Torgo. I take care of the place while the Master is away.

The man before them had a wild appearance. He was well built and short with long, unruly cerulean hair, an x-shaped scar marring his face just over the bridge of his nose. He was dressed in heavy boots, worn leather pants, a shirt with rolled up sleeves and a white apron full of dirt from cooking

Demyx: Cooking what? Mud pies?

accompanied by a large butcher knife hanging from his belt.

Marluxia: And his apron reads "Stab The Cook."

His hands were that of a smith with thick, rough nails.

Demyx: Okay, so apparently he's cooking horseshoes.

“Well?”

The small crowd at the porch shifted a little, realizing a few minutes had passed.

Vexen: And the negotiations continued into the night.

Eventually Larxene had gotten enough of her hair getting wet,

Marluxia: Fifty percent is acceptable, but not any more than that!
Demyx: Why?
Marluxia: Static cling makes her stick to the ceiling.

pushing past Sora and Naminé to speak.

“All we want is shelter until the storm is over,” she said, not the least frightened by the eccentric figure.

Axel: And then she offered him a single enchanted rose as payment!
Vexen: If only this Saix would be repulsed by her haggard appearance.

“Our driver got us lost,” she added, throwing Axel a poisonous glance.

Demyx: *as Saix* TOO BAD! The Wizard's not in!

“Ah, well that is fortunate you came across this house then. My friends and I simply love visitors,” the stranger replied, his voice a bit slicker, an artificial looking smile on his lips.

Axel: That's just the Botox showing through.
Marluxia: With all that plastic surgery, you'd think he'd do something about the scar.

“I am sure the others will be delighted. We were just about to have dinner.”

Demyx: I think this is leading somewhere bad, but I think the Anvil Of Foreshadowing needs to beat me about the head a few more times before I'll figure it out.
*From up above, there is a series of creaks, clanks, clouds of disturbed dust--then with a loud SNAP an anvil with a frayed rope tied to it drops into the seat where Demyx had just been*
Demyx: *on top of Zexion* ....I get it now.
Zexion: Your knee. Out of my crotch. NOW.

He stepped aside, gesturing for them to enter. There was something alarming in that expression of his, but they were all wet and cold, the mansion warm and inviting and soon they were all inside, hanging up their coats next to a large cosy fireplace.

Axel: And consider THIS dismaying observation!
Marluxia: This chamber has no windows, and NO DOORS.
Axel: Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Demyx: *shudder*
Axel: Of course...there's always MY way!
*Something electric flashes in the ceiling above, and the winch holding the anvil from before drops into Demyx's again-empty seat*
Zexion: Your OTHER knee. Out of my face. NOW.

The man presented himself as Saïx, one of the three Lords who owned the mansion.

Demyx: *back in his own seat* Oh oh, let me guess: they each get their own special tower in Deathly Hallows Castle.
Vexen: Saix is the Berserker third of the triforce.

He said it wasn’t often they had visitors so their doors were always open for the travelling. It could get lonely in the middle of nowhere, though they were content that way.

Axel: So except for the part where it sucked, it was awesome. Good to know.
Vexen: Parcheesi Night and Sock Drawer Reorganization Day are all the excitement they need.

Watch out for that Marluxia, he's "eccentric."

Vexen glanced over at Axel. Judging by his expression, he neither knew what to think or expect. A mansion in the middle of nowhere, a blue haired man telling them his friend was eccentric… This promised no good.

Axel: Wow, thanks for the valuable clues, Admiral Obvious of the great ship S.S. No Shit, Sherlock.

Tailing after Saïx, they were led through countless halls and up several stairs. Vexen was sure they had passed the same painting twice,

Demyx: We really ARE in a Scooby Doo episode!
Zexion: And when Vexen's not looking, the eyes on the painting follow him.

but Saïx simply waved the comment away, saying his other friend was a collector and that he would never understand him.

Zexion: *scoff* Collecting makes more sense than one painting growing legs and walking around.
Voice: Indubitably.
All: ..............

As they finally reached their destination they were all pretty tired, though the thick scent of roses in the air had them perk up a little.

Vexen: What, did they grow all their roses with caffeine?

The whole room was filled with flowers in general; vases and pots in all sizes and shapes were placed all around the room, covering most of the floor and walls.

Axel: Quick, smash them all and take their Moogle Points!
Marluxia: So that's what happened to all my vases!

Enter the Marluxia!

But as the door at the top of the staircase swung open there was no tie in sight. ‘Eccentric’ had been a delicate expression to use. The man that elegantly descended the stairs was unlike anything.

Marluxia: My postmodernist-fu is stronger than yours.

His hair was bright pink and fluffy, his body strong, though much more graceful than Saïx. Unlike the latter, Marluxia’s clothes were spotless. The silken shirt he wore had wide, long arms and was only half buttoned, displaying far too much of flawless chest and creamy complexion. His black pants were illegally tight, accompanied by delicate boots with high heels.

Demyx: *points* LOOK, IT'S JARETH!

Though of all this, his face was what made them all stare. For being man he was beautiful. Midnight blue eyes glanced down on them from beneath thick lashes,

Axel: Woah, Marluxia, ease up on the mascara.
Marluxia: At least they got my eye color right, for once.

a perfect brow slightly arched as his gaze fell on Vexen,

Vexen: Just one?
Demyx: He's got a unibrow!

a persistently smug smirk lingering on rosy lips.

Marluxia: *as himself* Peon.

The beguiling entree was only disturbed by a small snort from a certain blonde.

Zexion: WHICH certain? We've got two true blondes and two dirty blondes going on in this room.
Axel: Well, he used the feminine ending of "blonde," so....obviously, Vexen.

“My, Saïx, dear! Look what you dragged in this time,” Marluxia greeted, boring his eyes into forest green ones.

Demyx: What, like an Eyeball Peep War?

His voice was deep, and although his smile was sweet as he spoke his tone was warning against any snide remarks.

Axel: *opens mouth*
Vexen: Don't bother, Axel.
Axel: But I've got so many...

This was obviously a man you did not jest with, though he might look like a fruitcake,

Demyx: Gotta be careful, or else he's gonna kidnap the kid you're supposed to babysit.

Oh wow, is Marluxia ever interested to hear about their harrowing journey!

Come, come everyone.”

Demyx: *as Marluxia* Let's all do the Monster Mash!

“Hold on! I can’t find Sora!”

Everyone turned to Kairi, some a little worried, others rather happy to get away from the brat.

Zexion: Brat? The kid hasn't said a word the entire fic, and I like him that way.
Marluxia: I love a fic that bashes protagonists for absolutely no reason.

“No worries,” Saïx assured, heading for the door. “I will look for him on my way back to the kitchen. You just follow Marluxia.”

So after another round of presentations Marluxia led them down a hallway, pointing to three doors.

Marluxia: *as himself* Behind ONE of these doors is a FABULOUS prize!
Demyx: Door two! Pick door number two!
Axel: No no, door three!
Demyx: Door TWO!
Axel: PICK DOOR NUMBER THREE!

“I think we station Naminé, Kairi and Sora here, shall we?” his voice not really leaving room for negotiations.

Marluxia: *as himself* And over here, you'll find my shrine to Sweet Daddy-o Charles Manson.

“Larxene, Demyx and Axel, there are three other rooms just across this hallway.

Axel: What, we don't get an orgy room, either? Cheapass.

Vexen, we don’t have a seventh room ready at the moment, but I will have Saïx get that fixed after dinner,

Demyx: I have a sneaking suspicion that after dinner, one person's not gonna NEED their room anymore--*from above, ominous whistling....*
Zexion: *sighs, sucks Demyx into Lexicon as I-beam crashes into Demyx's seat*

which should be in about half an hour so I expect to see you all downstairs by then, in the meantime feel free to explore the house as you wish. Feel like home.”

Axel: The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like...except the West Wing.
Vexen: What's in the West W--
Axel: IT'S FORBIDDEN!

They all nodded, giving their thanks before going each to his or her own room, leaving Marluxia and Vexen alone in the hallway.

Zexion: Spacecraft Snogging, you are cleared for liftoff. Launching in T minus ten, nine, eight....
Vexen: I think it's safe for Demyx now.
Zexion: Oh, if you insist. *releases him*

Vexen is weirded out by Marluxia's blazing rays of gay...and trying to hook arms with him, or something. So they go back.

As they all had gathered up in the entrance hall again, a short, shadowy figure met them.

Marluxia: Igor, no! Go back to the lab until you're called for!

It was a boy, probably not more than seventeen or eighteen, with long, spiky steel blue hair covering one of his dark blue eyes. His skin was so pale and sickly he looked like he had drowned a few days ago,

Axel: In this fic? I wouldn't be surprised.
Zexion: A Nobody is technically undead, after all...

and his eyes were rimmed by heavy, black makeup. His clothes were all black, sleeves reaching to his knees and pants looking more like a skirt.

Demyx: Hey, he's Dopey!

A broad, black belt fitting tightly around his skinny waist and a silver chain from shoulder to shoulder seemed to be the only thing keeping his clothes on. He also had a long, heavy cape for whatever purpose.

Axel: *as boy* No one can stop me! I'm MIGHTY EMO!
Demyx: This character has been sponsored by Hot Topic!
Vexen: We laugh at him because he's different, he laughs at us because we're all the same.
Zexion: Screw that, I'll just laugh at him.

“I bid you welcome, travellers. My name is Zexion.”

Zexion: ....God damn.
Others: *snooort*

This greeting was met by blank stares. The boy shook his head in disbelief, waving after them to follow into a close by dining hall.

Zexion: Geez. Stupid kids look like they've never seen a walking stereotype before.

It was the largest room they had seen yet with a table fit for twelve persons to dine at once.

Vexen: Which makes complete logical sense for a house that's owned by only three people.
Marluxia: It's so I can sit as far away from you freaks as possible.
Axel: Whatever you say, JARETH.

Most of them found it a bit awkward, but they took their seats. Marluxia was already seated at the end of the table in a large stone chair, looking more like a throne. He had fastened a large rose in his hair for the occasion though appeared to be utterly displeased.

Axel: *as Marluxia* Dammit, I ordered the lobster bisque!

Rejection did not suit him well.

Vexen: But damn, is it satisfying to dish it out.

Zexion took the other end of the table, and soon Saïx was the only one not seated. Finally he entered, a large casserole in his hands. He filled everyone’s bowl with a good portion of stew

Demyx: Wait, I thought it was casserole.
Axel: Casserole is French for stew.
Demyx: I thought it was French for slop.

before slipping down between Kairi and Naminé.

Vexen: For maximum creepout effect.

The chat went lively around the table, though Vexen couldn’t help wonder about Marluxia’s comment of Saïx’ cooking.

*Something in the ceiling creaks ominously*
Demyx: *points up* I don't NEED any hints! I can see the foreshadowing anvil, really!

They were about halfway through the meal as Demyx turned to Kairi.

“Sora still hasn’t shown up?”

Vexen: He hasn't even had any lines. I keep forgetting he's in the story.

“No, no he’s probably gotten himself lost,” Kairi giggled. “He’s good for nothing.”

Marluxia: Ridiculous! He's extremely useful as a puppet by means of overthrowing the rest of the Organization!

“Really?” Saïx broke in, staring down in his bowl with a frown. “I think he tastes rather good.”

All: .....
Axel: OH MY GOD, he's become part of this complete breakfast!
Marluxia: *as Saix* Sora really is the taste you can see.

Silence fell over the table as people stared down on their half finished or finished portions, some already on their second. Suddenly stew wasn’t that appealing.

Axel: Yeah, Saix, couldn't you have diced him and put him on a pizza? Or made curried Soraburgers? Or something?!

“Saïx, what have I told you about playing jokes on our guests?” Marluxia huffed, having everyone jump.

Marluxia: *as himself* Now shut up and go do the dishes, Titus Andronicus.

“How childish,” he added, taking another spoonful of stew.

Demyx: Well, that's the last time I ever have any Campbell's Chunky Soup.

A nervous laugh ran across the table.

Demyx: But it didn't streak. It stole the tea cozy from Dobby.

Some began eating again, though most had came to loose their appetite for some reason or another.

Zexion: Whereas other peoples' appetites were too tight.
Axel: Man, another fic, another instance of Sora getting chomped on.
Vexen: I'm surprised you're not making a bigger deal out of this.
Axel: He had no lines, no real appearance, we had no gore, and all we get about it is a bad joke. Comparatively, the kid got off damned easy!

As the meal was announced finished Demyx insisted on helping Saïx in the kitchen, but Axel held him back, whispering:

Axel: Soylent Green...IS SORA!

Demyx suggests that he go help in the kitchen to check if Sora is actually mincemeat. This is, of course, a BRILLIANT IDEA. Marluxia tries to molest Vexen some more, at least until Vexen tries to make a getaway.

Looking around him he was in a narrow corridor, not in any way decorated. It had probably been the servants’ entrance to the kitchen back in time.

Demyx: They have a time-traveling kitchen entrance?!
Zexion: It would certainly explain how the hell Saix can capture Sora, kill him, skin him, get all the meat off, clean the meat, and then cook it in a slow-cooked stew-casserole in the space of half an hour.

And then he heard a muffled whine.

Demyx?

Axel: Definitely Demyx.
Demyx: HEY!

He really didn’t want to know; then again his natural curiosity had a tendency to overpower common sense. Taking a deep breath he began moving towards the sound.

Axel: *imitating a chainsaw* chrNNN!...chrNNN! BRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

There was a large doorway there on his right hand.

Demyx: I changed my mind! DON'T choose door number two!

It was meant to close with a curtain but at the moment it stood wide open. The muffled gasps and whimpers were stronger now. He should have known better but he inched forward, peeking in to what could have been a horrible nightmare.

Demyx: But instead, it was Happy Bunny La-la-land, right?

It was the kitchen all right, and Saïx was there but there was no trace of Demyx.

Marluxia: Saix's time-traveling TARDIS kitchen has already made him into stew, too!
Demyx: But I don't wanna be seconds!

Saïx’ butcher knife had been jammed into the countertop, which was marred with cut marks of all sizes, most of them filled with a rust brownish substance very much like dried blood.

Zexion: But it was actually just rust.

Fresh blood was dripping silently down from the counter, soiling the already dirty white tiles of the floor. Next to the butcher knife laid a hand.

Vexen: I think this kind of horror fic is a little dark for Thing to show up.

It had been chopped off just above the wrist, and two of the fingers were pointing out at odd angles, suggesting they had been broken. The index finger had been torn right off, leaving a bleeding hole where the knuckle should have been.

Axel: THING! NOOOO!

Next to the counter was a large wooden barrel, blood both fresh and dry having seeped down the sides of it. The floor beneath it was heavily stained, and just at the foot of the barrel laid a severed finger. The barrel was mostly filled with blood, but there was also a single eye dipping around, among with other dismembered body parts.

Zexion: *deadpan* Bobbing for eyeballs. My favorite.

From the ceiling, together with pieces of dried meat hang a large collection of human bones, most of them still with pieces of meat clinging to them. Flies were soaring all around, large and hairy, crawling in between rib bones and into the eyeholes of skulls.

Vexen: Wow, the health inspector's gonna have a field day with his little bistro.
Demyx: Not that I'm the expert on this, but...aren't you supposed to keep the kitchen separate from where you do the actual butchering?
Marluxia: Jeffery Dahmer says YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG.

Propped against the only empty wall was a large metal chair, which Saïx now stood bent over.

Axel: *as Saix* In my own little corner, in my own little chair...

In the chair, with wrists and ankles tied up sat Larxene. There was a thick cloth blocking her mouth, preventing the worst cries to escape.

Vexen: So, he's into bondage. ....Can't say I'm surprised.
Axel: *pondering* ...You know, it's a good thing Larxene didn't join us for this sporking, or I get the sense at least one of us would end up castrated.
Voice: I did entertain the thought.
All: .....

“Calm down, missy. This won’t take long,” Saïx assured her, a hollow chuckle leaving him. His concentration was currently on outlining her jaw with a small knife.

Vexen: No Saix, you're supposed to use chalk, and you're supposed to do it after they're dead.

He made a deep cut along her chin, up to her temples and just below the roots of her hair so it looked like she was wearing a mask.

Axel: Now it's time to take off the mask and see who it really is!
Demyx: *nervous* I am really glad Larxene's not here right now...

Then he pressed the blade in under her skin, and with an agonized whine from Larxene he began pulling. Slowly the skin was tugged aside, revealing the muscles underneath.

Marluxia: Well crap, she's getting a facelift!
Axel: Saix is ripping off Larxene's face and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, simultaneously! That takes talent.
Demyx: *hiding his eyes*

It stuck a little at her lips so he began loosening it around her temples instead, tearing mercilessly at it to bare her forehead, the eyelids following, and with one forceful jerk he got the nose and lips loose too.

Zexion: *squints* That's...skin doesn't work like that.
Vexen: What, is she a reptile and he's just taking off her shed?
Demyx: *peeks* ...Can I look yet?

It was the most horrific sight that met them.

Demyx: I'll take that as a no. *un-peeks*
Axel: Geez, now Admiral Obvious of the good ship S.S. No Shit, Sherlock has set sail on the Ocean of Obvious for the Island of Naw, Duh.

Constant sobs and cries escaped Larxene, muffled in the cloth and she was writhing in pain, unable to close her eyes now that the lids were gone.

Vexen: How the hell could he have gotten the skin and lips off if she had a cloth stuffed in her mouth?
Zexion: I don't know, but these run-ons are about to make me writhe in pain.

Saïx simply smiled at her, the same artificial smile he had greeted them with earlier that day.

Axel: Once again, Botox made this torture moment possible!

A loud cry escaped her as he began pressing a finger in between her left eye and eyehole, slowly squeezing the eye aside until he got his whole finger behind it and made it pop out,

Axel: OW OW OW OW
Demyx: *peeks* What is it?!

then jerked at it so the nerves and veins broke, blood gushing out of the now empty black hole.

Demyx: AAAAAUGH! *hides eyes again*
Marluxia: We told you not to look!

Looking around with a sheepish expression, Saïx put the eye in his mouth, quickly chewing and swallowing as if someone had told him not to eat between the meals.

Vexen: What would Torvald think if he caught his little squirrel eating macaroons before dinner?
Zexion: Saix you moron, you're supposed to save those for "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom!"

Vexen was thoroughly disgusted and horrified to say the least.

All: ...
Vexen: I feel like this is almost supposed to be funny.

What really made him dread this were the slices of bread on the counter together with the salad and the box of butter.

Axel: Yeah! I mean....no mayo.

Inching away as silently as he managed, he prayed he wouldn’t get noticed.

Axel: *as Vexen* Muriel! MUUUUURIEL! OOOooooOOOOoooooOOOOhhh!
Marluxia: *as Saix* I wish you hadn't done that!
Demyx: *picks out Katz's theme*

Vexen tries to warn the others, but they laugh him off and then change their characterizations for the purposes of comedic misogyny!

Vexen scowled, stomping down a hallway. So much for trust. He was at least going to save himself even if the others wouldn’t listen.

Demyx: A good and proactive plan?
Marluxia: I give it a paragraph. Maybe two.

Pacing quickly down the corridor he debated of what to do. Axel had the keys to the bus, and as long as the storm was raging he wouldn’t get far by foot.

Vexen: It'd be FAR ENOUGH.
Zexion: Because Vexen would rather deal with crazy cannibal murderers than get wet.

If he could just hide somewhere in the garden until it ceased…

Demyx: Where there's bound to be lots of rakes and hoes and clipping shears and weed whackers? Not a good plan!

A low thump sounded from a nearby room.

He really should know better than to look by now but…

Vexen: How else is the author supposed to give us yet another long and detailed description of blood, gore, dismemberment and fetish if my sorry retinas aren't around to witness it? *groan*

He still wasn’t sure if the others were as insane as Saïx, if just a little disturbed.

Zexion: I'd think the fact that they didn't bat an eye when Saix made Sora sausage would be a big clue.
Demyx: *pokes Lexicon* .....It's a cookbook?

So he looked around, soon hearing another sound like chains hitting the floor.

Axel: EBENEZER SCROOOOOOOOOOGE.

Following the sound he ended up outside some large double doors on a small crack, letting him peek in.

Zexion: ...Double doors on a small crack what?
Axel: And then he realized he was in a fic on a LARGE amount of crack.
Marluxia: *as Vexen* That's weird, why's that man got a red triangle on his head and--AUUUUUUUUUGH!

It was a bedroom of sorts, almost completely dark but for candlelight in silver stands on the wall between the high, arched windows. In the end of the room was a large four-poster with black curtains and black satin sheets. Everything seemed to be in black.

Demyx: He's found the darkroom!

The floor was made of black stone, same with an altar like stone table in the middle of the room.

Axel: Aslan was tied down on it!
Marluxia: The deep magic is definitely not appeased by this.

White candles were fastened to the smooth surface in their own wax, three in each corner. On the middle of the altar lay Demyx, naked. His eyes were wide open and empty, staring at the ceiling. A streak of blood was running down his cheek from the corner of his mouth.

Axel: ANIME DEATH!
Vexen: He's been sacrificed to the gods of OOC.
Marluxia: Manos's will must be done!

He was pale, and the black stone beneath him was fogging a little with cold damp, as if he had been kept in a freezer. He was obviously dead.

Demyx: YES! *hands in the air*
Vexen: ...You're dead. What the hell are you so excited about?
Demyx: We didn't see any face-ripping gory scenes with me, and I'm already dead! Nothing bad's gonna happen to me now!

The thump and the sound of chains had come from Zexion, who had just dropped his boots and cape to the floor.

Demyx: Correction: He's found the dorkroom.
Zexion: *sneer*

Next he loosened his belt, his shirt sliding off his shoulders, pants hanging loosely from his skinny hips.

Demyx: ......Uh oh.
Vexen: You were saying?

“My love… Finally, our time has come,” he murmured, letting his pants fall as he slipped onto the altar, one hand sliding down the lifeless body underneath him. “I can assure you, you won’t feel a thing. No one does. I am the end station.”

Demyx: *wails* I want a refund on my ticket!
Axel: Well, I guess they had to appeal to the Zemyx fans somehow.
Zexion: If this is "appealing," I want to go back to when we were cheerful little Tolkien elves or whatever the hell that fic was.

A light smirk played over his lips as he looked over his chosen corpse.

Axel: Demyx IS...the Corpse Bride!
Zexion: *seething again*

“Wonderful, just wonderful,” he whispered. He lifted one limp leg to rest on his shoulder, moving his hand down, hissing softly as it made contact with his own hardening member. His other hand searched along Demyx’ thighs, fingers prodding until they found his entrance.

Marluxia: The actual one, or did Saix tear him a new one?
Vexen: You know, Zexion, dead bodies usually defecate since all the muscles in the bowels relax.
Zexion: *rubbing temples* How about shutting up now?

“Mh… So cold,” he murmured, lifting Demyx’ hips so he could position his member, pushing into the cold body.

Axel: Ice enhances sangria, most sparkling beverages...and necro. Who knew?

A low moan crawled its way up his throat. “So tight… nnhh…”

Vexen: Actually, no, since--
Zexion: *brandishes Lexicon threateningly*

Vexen just can't look away! At least, until Marluxia catches him in the hall.

“You know… if you were to displease me again you might just end up like poor Demyx in there.”

Vexen: You know, I'm beginning to think might not be all that bad. My suffering would be over, at least.

“I don’t want anything to do with you or those ‘friends’ of yours and you can’t make me.”

Demyx: *as Vexen* You're not the boss of me!

“I can’t? Even if I said it could save Kairi and Axel?”

Marluxia: Oh great, this means Namine's already doomed. *glare* I hate you people.

Marluxia offered, one finger persistently tracing Vexen’s jaw line.

“I couldn’t care less about them.”

Vexen: So they're basically just here to be schlock horror fodder. At least this fic's honest about its obviousness.

“Heh, you sound like one of us already.”

Zexion: He WILL be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Vexen blinked, hands fisting up.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” he asked, as cold as he managed.

Marluxia: It means we've done you a favor and taken the "surprise" out of the surprise ending.

“Doesn’t matter, does it?” Marluxia murmured, forcing him into a walk. “I’ll have my way with you and you will end up as Saïx’ lunch, then Zexion will fuck what’s left of you.”

Axel: He's going to fuck a bowl of stew? What kind of fetish is that?!
Demyx: It's the ciiiircle of liiiiiiife, and it moooves us alllll....

“Let me go now or you will regret it,” Vexen spat.

Demyx: Oh no, he's going to SCIENCE him to death!
Vexen: And you're going to regret that.

A low chuckle came from Marluxia, the hand on his hip winding around his waist.

“Really now? And why would that happen?”

Axel: He'll be so bilious he'd give Saix horrible indigestion.

Silence.

“As I thought,” he whispered, teeth gracing Vexen’s ear. “Nothing but empty threats.”

Well, whatcould he do?

Zexion: Try using the space bar, for one.
Demyx: Kicking him in the breadbasket's always a good start.
Axel: Honestly, Vexen, there are teenager slasher movie victims with more guts than you.

Things looked rather dark at the moment.

Axel: Admiral Obvious has docked the S.S. No Shit, Sherlock at the Island of Naw, Duh and is now establishing relations with the mayor of Blatant Town.

As they entered the room packed with flowers Vexen was starting to panic.

Vexen: This room is packed with lavender and I'm allergic!

Up the stairs, through a narrow hallway and a pair of large double doors. They stood in a huge circular room, overly decorated with curtains, flowers and candlelight everywhere. The windows were high and arched with stained glass. There wasn’t a bed, but more of a large round pool, or nest in the middle of the floor filled with silken sheets and pillows.

Axel: It's Jareth Powers: International Nobody Of Fabulous!

Not so fast, fearless readers! There's even more horror waiting in the second part!

A question for readers:

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 07:05:11 GMT

As some may or may not know, LiveJournal has recently added a new feature that allows you to flag journals, communities or specific entries as containing mature content, which should prevent users 13 and younger from being able to view those entries. Full details should be at that news post ~~and more than enough wank to keep wankaholics happy~~. We have pondered using this feature for the snakesonasora journal, as there are certainly entries within that fall under "mature content," and we would hate to be responsible for the traumatizing of any ten-year-olds that are just trying to google "Hercules" and "Cloud" in the same sentence.

However, we also don't want to play Net-Nannies, and are not certain if flagging mature-content entries will prevent any people who really want to read from viewing the sporkings. Therefore, we're asking for your opinion: should we start flagging any sporkings with a bunch of 18+ content, or should we leave things as is? Let us know!

And as far as our next sporking project goes? We've got a fic picked out. It won't get posted until we're free of finals, but oh yes, do we ever have a fic picked out for you. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

>:D

Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel - PART TWO

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 01:44:34 GMT

And we're back with the remainder of this (thankfully) cut-short fic! We hope you enjoy the rest of this aquatic sporking, and remember...all drains lead to the ocean!

----------------------------------------

Title: The Kingdom Below
Author: DragonRose888 (For a bucket of lulz, check the shipping names in this profile!)
Rating: A healthy four shadows: one for the purpley language, one for the OOC, one for the creepy gay love at first catch, and one for the mpreg and fishy anatomy whatthefuckery,

Full Name (including any titles): Sora, Roxas, Axel, Riku, Cloud, Leon and many more! (Not a female in sight, naturally!) Riku gets the unfortunate nickname of "Anchor."
Full Species(es): Canonus Aquarius, Canonus Semiaquarius
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon with your standard "pools of innocent sapphire" crap.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Same for the hair.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Sora, Roxas, Leon and Cloud all have mer-people tails. They also have the ability to reproduce by gay mersex because "real fish do that!" OKAY, SURE.
Special Possessions (if any): Their own personal kingdoms, hooray! Oh, and Sora's crown necklace is actually Riku's and it is TEH SPESHUL.

Origin: A ripoff of "The Little Mermaid"
Connections To Canon Characters: Sent them to sleep with the fishes.
Special Abilities: Merpeople live for thousands of years ~~like every other fantasy creature out there.~~ Axel somehow retains his fire abilities. Sora magically has the ability to insta-heal. Leon can feel everyone's life energies, or something creepy like that. And did we mention the ability to reproduce by way of gay mersex?
Other Annoying Traits: Everyone (except for probably Sephiroth and Seifer) is either a sappy child-talking gay lover wannabe, or a former sappy child-talking gay lover wannabe. It's exactly what you'd expect from an AU of this stripe, and all in all, it's pretty annoying!

I Say/Notes: Unfortunately, the first few chapters we've sporked don't get into the promised mpreg (aside from where Sora and Roxas come from), which is what made us look it up in the first place. But there is still plenty of mockable material in these first four! From the writing language to the contrived romances to the head-scratching nature of this undersea kingdom, there is more than enough in this waterlogged fic to laugh at!

Sample:

Oh no, sinking ship time!

As soon as the terrible roar had been heard, the ship lurched once more, this time tilting downward at a very steep angle.

Axel: At least buy it dinner first!
Riku: It's "The Perfect Storm!"
Sora: Come on, everyone, put your hands in the air and smile for the Splash Mountain camera!

The movement sent the four tumbling into the cabin door, which burst open. They kept rolling and bumping along said floor until they reached the railing,

Sora: Rollin' rollin' rollin'...keep those boys'a rollin'...

where they slid off and plunged into the seething ocean below.

Riku was terrified. His eyes widened as he fell, stomach feeling like he had left it back on the sinking ship.

Sora: Getting that sinking feeling, then?

Somewhere next to him, his brother screamed. Axel hated the water. It was a pyro thing.

Kairi: And yet...he's a sailor.
Riku: Axel, I think it may be time for a change of career.
Axel: You and your land-dweller career choices.

Someone touched the green-eyed boy's hand, and he glanced over. Sora was also free-falling toward the frothing mass below, though he didn't seem that panicked about it.

Riku: Of course not. Falling into water is always a no-damage fall in videogames...It's just a problem once you're IN it..*flail*

He looked at Riku, smiled, and grasped his hand. Something strange shot up Riku's arm and right into his heart.

Axel: Stingray, probably.
Sora: STEVE IRWIN, NO!

For a moment, they hung there; eyes on each other, hands together.

Axel: And then he belly-flopped into that ocean big time!
All: OWWWWW.

Riku hits the water. But where is Axel?

Kairi: Meanwhile, Axel is rowing away in Seifer's boat, snickering at everyone.
Axel: Ain't that the truth.

Riku swallowed a mouthful of water and cried again. “AXEL!,” But only the deafening crashing of the waves around him replied.

Kairi: *as deafening crashing of the waves* Sorry, he's not at his desk now. Would you like to leave a message?

Something brushed by his legs, and Riku panicked. All he could think of, at that point, were the tales his brothers had used to scare him with; the ones about huge fish with maws sharp as daggers.

Riku: Drowning was knocked down to number two on my list of Things To Be Concerned About.
Sora: Jeez, this ocean sure is full of daggers.

“AXEL! AXEL, WHERE ARE YOU?!”

Axel: Busy drowning, loudmouth!

When he got no response, Riku gulped. This was not good. He was stuck in a raging sea, without anyone to protect him, and there was probably some horrific, nightmarish beast circling him. As he felt his chest for the little bit of comfort he had,

Riku: *as himself* Wait, where's my shirt?!

he found it wasn't there, and Riku remembered giving it to Sora.

'He's probably long gone, by now...'

Sora: Well, DUH.

Riku thought, sadly. So, he had managed to loose his mother's necklace, as well. Some birthday...

Axel: Quit whining, at least you got a whole ship for your birthday. OH WAIT.

A wave washed over Riku, who couldn't swim very much more, and he tried in vain to reach the surface again.

Riku: Must...reach...proper...tenses!

His muscles became exhausted, unfortunately, and he drifted into what he was sure was the blissful feelings of pre-death. As he sank back into the depths, something swam over him.

Sora: And it was singing: Let's name the zones, the zones, the zones! Let's name the zones of the open SEEEEEA!

Something with beautiful blue eyes.

Axel: The better to see him with?

Those were the last things Riku saw before he blacked-out completely.

Riku: *as himself* Roooosebuud...

Sora had watched Riku while he had struggled to find Axel and tried to stay above the water. When the wave had crashed over him, Sora knew the human boy would not make it.

Kairi: And yet, he did nothing!
Sora: Hey, at least I got free bling out of this deal.

Sora and Roxas help Riku and Axel get to the surface.

King Leon was very, very furious. After sensing that one of his sons was hurt, he had followed that sense, and seen the ship. After having a fit of rage and destroying said ship,

Kairi: So Leon can control the weather now.
Axel: Leon: the new and improved Poseidon!
Sora: Hey guys, this means we're on THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.
Riku: Meanwhile, Ernest Borgnine leads the rest of my crew on a perilous journey out of the capsized ship.

Roxas and Sora's life energies had grown fainter and fainter.

Axel: He destroys the ship they're on, their "life energy" gets fainter....Whoops.

They were swimming the wrong way. That pissed Leon off quite a bit.

Axel: *as Leon* UPstream! You're supposed to swim UPstream!
Sora: What, does he have heat-seeking vision?

Cloud hung at his side, not knowing what to say.

Kairi: Leon hadn't given him permission to speak yet.

He was worried sick about his precious boys, of course. He also knew that they were going away. And Cloud was more then aware that his Leon was enraged.

Sora: I don't think I wanna be here when they go to Mermaid College.

He turned his back to Leon, swimming away so that the king could not hear his words:

“Be safe, boys...”

Kairi: *as Cloud* And wear clean underwear!

'Wake up, Riku.'

Sora: Or you'll miss the bus!

Riku frowned. His head was killing him.

Axel: While Riku unfortunately survived, his head spent ten years in prison for attempted manslaughter.

Wake up, wake up, little Riku!

'He won't wake up, Roxas!' There was a small sob.

'Neither will Axel.'

Axel: It's impossible to wake someone who's only pretending to sleep.

Came the sad, melodious reply.

Axel? His brother? And the voice said Roxas...Why did that seem so familiar, too?

Kairi: Namine's almost done restoring memories, it seems!
Riku: *in electronic voice* Restoration at...sixty-eight percent.

'Riku, please! Don't die!'

There was an intense pressure on the silver-haired boy's chest, suddenly, and he began to cough up the gallon of water in his lungs.

Kairi: Why would merpeople ever need to know about mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
Axel: You and your land-dweller health classes.

Groaning, Riku opened his eyes, only to be blinded by sun light.

Riku: The nights are shorter in Mer-Land, I see.

The pressure on his chest eased, and the sun was replaced by brilliantly blue eyes.

Sora: The sun...it's gone NOVA!
Kairi: That makes it sound like the sun is watching us all.
Axel: Really, REALLY Big Brother.

“You're alive!” The eyes said. No, not the eyes...the mouth below the eyes.

Riku: Well, technically the vocal cords in the throat attached to the mouth that's right below the eyes.

Oh my, thank goodness they didn't choke on seawater!

Sora nodded. “Roxas and I followed that lifeboat. It led someplace else, but we didn't want to get kidnapped, again, so we came here.”

Kairi: *as Sora* We also stopped to pick up a few extra commas along the way.
Sora: *as self* The sign by the dock said "Death To Royalist Scum" and the pitchfork industry is booming, so we thought you'd be well-cared for.

Riku looked to his left, seeing Roxas clapping a hacking Axel on the back.

Riku: Looks like poor Axel's belly-uppin' already.

“Axel!” Riku scrambled over to his brother, knocking the wind from him as he threw himself at the red-head.

Axel: Would all of you freaks stop hating my lungs?!

Axel groaned, looking down. “Hey, Anchor, I can't breath.” Riku laughed weakly and loosened his grip. Axel messed up his hair, fondly.

Kairi: It's got to take talent to ruffle wet hair.
Axel: My talents are limitless!

It can be hugz tiem naow?

Sora blushed. “Aw...It was nothing. You two were nice to us, after all.”

Kairi: Yelling at them. Sitting on their tails. Touching their Yiddish clothes.
Sora: I remember that flaming bitchslap across the face as being particularly kind!

“Yep.” Roxas agreed, grabbing onto Axel and nuzzling his chest, “You're nice humans.”

Riku: The lack of oxygen to his brain has made him forget key events that happened one chapter ago!
Kairi: And reduced him to catfish-boy behavior.

Axel chuckled, running his hand through Roxas's blond tresses.

Sora: ......TRESSES.
Axel: TOLD you all you weren't really male!

“Well, you're nice mer-people.” He replied.

Riku: *cough cough XENOPHILE*

Riku laughed, and turned back to the brunette. He noticed his mother's crown necklace still dangling around Sora's throat. “Mother's necklace!”

Riku: *as himself* You've been chewing on it!
Axel: Tasty lead, no?

Sora jumped at the outburst, looking down at the charm. “Oh! Yeah, I still had it on when we fell off the ship.” He took it off, handing it to Riku, “Here. I'm so sorry if you were worried about it...” He said, guiltily.

Sora: I promise I'll never be so stupid as to accept a free gift again!

Riku thought for a moment, eying the silver crown in the mer-boy's hand. “...No.” He curled Sora's fingers around the charm, “You keep it.”

Riku: It's going to smell like fish now, anyway.
Axel: Game heroes always get the good swag.

Sora gets to keep the necklace. But now the human princes must away before Sephiroth steals all their stuff.

“You have to go?” The brunette asked, sadly.

Riku: Sorry. Business trip. Forty-some years. You know how it goes.

The green-eyed boy nodded. “Our father will worry.” He noticed how forlorn Sora looked, “But, we can always come back here, and meet you two sometime.”

Kairi: Royal responsibility? What's that?
Axel: Sora comes back and is shocked to discover Riku smooching some hussy centaur.

Sora's eyes brightened. “Really?” He launched forward, embracing the bewildered human boy, “Thank-you!”

Sora: *as himself* Now I have an excuse to beach myself whenever I like!

Riku smiled faintly, and hugged the mer-boy back. “You're welcome.” He chanced a glance behind him, and saw Axel murmuring something in Roxas's ear.

Axel: *whispering* Your tolach's unzipped.

Sora blushed. “Um, we're going to need some help...getting back to the water.

Axel: This is the best premise for extortion I have ever seen.

The tide went out while we were waiting for the pair of you to wake up.” He said, sheepishly.

Kairi: The tide will do anything to get out of this fic.

Riku chuckle, picking the brunette up as he got to his feet.

Sora: He's just coughed up a lungful of seawater and gotten the wind knocked out of him, but he's feeling well enough to pick up a merperson almost his size!
Riku: Damn, I got some of your uke insta-healing powers!

Axel did the same. The two waded out into the water, waiting until they were waist deep before setting the two mer-princes down. Impatiently, Sora wriggled, launching out of Riku's arms and back into the sea.

Riku: TORPEDOES AWAAAAAY!

But then Sora and Roxas get goodbye kisses.

And, with a flick of their tails, both princes of the sea were gone.

Axel: And with a flick of a net....Chicken of the Sea!

While on their way back home, both mer-princes were thinking of their new friends.

Sora: *as himself* Golly gee, I want to be bitchslapped like that ALLLL the time!

Sora glanced at his older twin and saw the blond swimming in spirals. The brunette grinned.

Riku: I feel you there, buddy. *stuck swimming in circles again*
Sora: Watch out, he's going to swim into infinity!

“What's gotten into you, Rox?” The younger twin asked, joining his brother in his antics.

Riku: Hope they're not in the kidneys.
All: *wince*

The blond giggled. “I think I'm in love!” He answered, back-flipping. Sora laughed.

Axel: A reasonable reaction, to be sure.
Kairi: *as Roxas* Her name's Melissa, she's a hermit crab and I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

“With that red-head?” He swam to Roxas's other side.

“Of course!” Roxas cried out happily, “I've never met anyone like him!”

Sora: Loud-mouthed. Pushy. Stupid. Slaps family members with hands on fire.
Riku: *as Roxas* The fire bitchslaps make me all hot and tingly.

Is anyone surprised that they're both madly in love? No? Didn't think so.

“He was...nice...” Sora admitted, nose in the air. Roxas realized he was being snubbed.

Kairi: Roxas secretly wants Sora all to himself, duh.
Axel: Well, we all know that merpeople are really so rare because they've been inbreeding for eons.

“So, that's how you wanna play it, huh?” The blond asked mischievously. Sora eyed his curiously. “Well, then...” Roxas threw himself at Sora, “...Prepare to pay the consequences!”

Axel: *as Sora* Tee-hee! Tee-hee! Oh, please don't!
Riku: Yep. Definitely inbreeding.

Sora howled with laughter. Roxas was known for his wicked tickling ability.

Sora: The high court may well sentence you to TICKLING!

“No, Roxas! Quit that!”

“A-hem.”

Kairi: *as voice* If you're going to go inbreed, get a room!

Both boys froze, looking at the speaker with identical blue eyes. They swallowed.

“H-Hey...dad...” Roxas said. Leon's eyes narrowed.

Riku: *as Leon* You went up to the surface again, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?
Sora: *as himself* Nothing....happened!

“Just where, may I ask, were you?” The Sea-King asked in a cold tone.

Sora: A-around the waterhole?
Axel: You live in a waterhole!
Sora: Exactly!

Sora and Roxas exchanged looks. Just before they could explain, however, they were pulled into a tight hug.

Kairi: Forget punishment by tickling, they're going to be hugged to death!
Riku: It's like Barney, gone underwater and sinister.

“Mother!” They both cried, embracing Cloud, who squeezed them fondly.

“You had me worried.” He said, softly.

Axel: *as Cloud* So I cleaned the house, did the dishes and finished the ironing early, but still felt unfulfilled!

Sora looked up at him, guiltily. “We're sorry, mom.”

“Yeah. We were kidnapped, and-”

“That is no excuse!”

Kairi: ...And I thought MY parents were strict!

Leon yells at them for not coming home. Roxas sucks at lying.

“You had two other sources of living energy with you,” Leon hissed, looking murderous, “Do not tell me you forgot the way. You had humans with you!”

Kairi: Having established that he actually DOES know everything that happened last night, is he finished being vindictive now?

“No!” Everyone stared at Sora, who bit his lip again and looked down, “We didn't. Honest. We were hurt, and couldn't find our way back.

Sora: Also, our insta-healing powers temporarily stopped working.
Kairi: Also, Google Maps doesn't cover ocean currents.

They gave us something in a bottle, and we got drowsy. We tried to ask a couple of eels for help, but they didn't know the way.

Kairi: Flotsam and Jetsam never were that bright.
Sora: Those poopsies are TOAST!
Riku: Should've asked some sea turtles.
Axel: Sea turtles?
Riku: AYE, sea turtles!

That's what it was, father.” He looked up, “We would've come back, but we fell asleep.

Sora: Then we met some unicorns and they gave us candy.
Riku: And then Elvis came down in a spaceship and played poker with the unicorns.
Kairi: And then a pelican scooped them up and flew them to a dentist's office!

When we woke up, we were okay, again. That's why.” He gazed at his father with large, innocent eyes, hoping and praying that Leon would take the lie.

Leon was silent, for a moment.

Axel: *as Leon* Your Jedi puppy eyes will not work on me!

“...Fine.” He grumbled, “But that doesn't mean you won't be punished.

Kairi: They'll be sentenced to an hour of tickling, each.

You disobeyed me, both of you. You would not have been captured if you had not been at the surface.”

Axel: Next chapter: Sora and Roxas discover lobster traps.

Leon says that they're grounded for two weeks! Er...sea-bedded for two weeks?

You have disregarded your mother and my wishes, and you lied!

Sora: And what's worse, you put Nala in danger!

You two were almost taken to land! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!”

Riku: Hot interspecies gay baby-makin' sex?

Roxas and Sora fell silent, the latter of the two looking very close to tears. “We're sorry...”

Axel: Psh, they're just sorry they got caught.
Kairi: How can you tell if someone is crying underwater?

Cloud took this time to speak up. “You two aren't children, anymore.” He said, quietly,

Sora: *as Cloud* But we'll continue to treat you like children anyway.

“You know better then this. You made us both worry.” (He shot a look at Leon when he said that), “Think about it.” He pulled them both forward, “Come on; let's go.”

Sora: Hey, you know...Leon completely forgot to mention that all-important plot point necklace from Riku that's just sitting out on my neck.
Kairi: Too busy concentrating his Poseidon-y anger on the fact that YOUR LIFE ENERGIES WENT AWAY.
Axel: Ha, he'll wake up at three in the morning tomorrow night and go WAIT A MINUTE.

Sora sniffled, and Roxas sighed, knowing this whole thing was his fault. The only thing that kept them from breaking down was the little secret they had, waiting back on the shores of the human world.

Axel: You know what they say: Good friends help you move....

Author’s notes for this chapter reveal (somewhat disturbingly) that Riku and brothers are indeed part-merperson. Okay!

Sora: *scanning Author's Notes* So according to reviews, Riku, Axel and all are half-merperson.
Axel: TOLD YOU ALL. *smirk*
Kairi: That...still doesn't explain why they measure time as seventeen years while merpeople measure it differently!
Riku: Nor why the peasants of our kingdom didn't declare us witches and burn us at the stake for still being in diapers when we turned 30.

On land, Riku and Axel were also before their father. However, he had pulled them into a tight hug, kissing both their foreheads.

Kairi: So kisses say goodbye AND hello?
Sora: You say goodbye, I say hello...hello, hello...I don't know why you say goodbye....

“I thought I'd never see you again.” He was saying. Riku was hugging him back.

Axel: *as father* I was going to make your bedroom into a recreation room and everything!

“We didn't either, father.” He whispered. Axel nodded. The two pulled away, staring into their father's golden eyes. This was King Ansem; a gentleman by heart, and a taker of charge in a crisis.

Kairi: Now, the question is.......which Ansem.
Riku: This damn well better be Ansem-the-Wise Ansem, or I'm gonna have to choke a bitch.
Sora: It's not very gentleman-y of him to take those charges during a crisis!

Ansem stood, looking at each boy in turn. “How did you get back? I'm curious, since Sephiroth said he didn't see you while he and the crew returned.”

Riku: Sea turtles.
Axel: You would need them.

Said older prince stood in a corner, seeming calm, but his younger brothers knew that he was sulking. Sephiroth was known for his greediness, and he had been looking forward to having all of the kingdom, should Axel and Riku die.

Sora: Under "mysterious circumstances."
Kairi: I hate to say it, but Sephiroth makes a lousy Vayne.

Axel lies and said they passed out before waking up on shore. Sephiroth says they caught some lovely mermen!

Ansem's eyebrows shot into hair.

Sora: *finger guns, aimed at Axel's hair* Pew pew!

“Is that so? I suppose they fell into the sea, after the wreck, however...”

Kairi: No, silly, they flew up to heaven.

Sephiroth's eyes shone wickedly, and he stared at his younger brothers. “Yes, that is what I supposed, but...” His smirk was twisted, “...I believe that is how little Axel and little Riku were able to return.”

Riku: *as Ansem* And.......so what?
Axel: "Little" Axel?! I'm not the one with the compensating sword, here!

The silver-haired king whipped around, resting his golden gaze on his youngest sons.

Riku: CURSES. Foiled again!

“Is this true?”

“No! Of course not!” Axel spat, venom covering his words as he pretended to be disgusted, “The damn things watched as we drowned, father!

Riku: Actually, that's kinda true.
Axel: Lazy ukes, never there when you need them.

And they dragged us by the ankles! By the way, King Ansem is disappointed to hear this.

Sephiroth growled, and strode away, seemingly not pleased that his father had accepted the lie Axel had concocted.

Kairi: He's going to take out his anger by casting meteor on the merpeople.
Riku: THOSE LOONIES ARE GONNA BLOW UP THE OCEAN!
Sora: *as Sephiroth* WE'LL BLOW UP THE OCEAN!

“You may take your leave, my sons. Rest.”

The two bowed. “Yes father.” They coursed.

Kairi: Standard, or slalom?

They turned on heel and walked briskly out of the throne room.

Sora: *as Ansem* HUP-two-three-four KeepitHUP-two-three-four...

After reaching their rooms, Riku glanced at Axel.

Riku: *as himself* So, wanna try some of that merperson incest?

“Thanks.”

The red-head raised an eyebrow. “What for, ickle one?” He teased.

“For covering for...you know who.”

Axel: I get to cover for Voldemort?! Hot DAMN!
Sora: He's a DEATH EATER!

Axel grinned in a cat-like way. “What was I supposed to do? Do you think dad would take it lightly if he knew the truth?”

Kairi: I'm confused. Exactly what WOULD happen if he knew the truth?

Riku frowned. “No, I don't think he would...”

Sora: But, this Ansem seemed to think that merpeople were nice, or...
Axel: He's a parental figure. Therefore, he disapproves of everything you do.

Axel thinks the blond must have a thing for him. Jumping to conclusions much?

“Oh, really?” He reached out, fingers twitching, “That's funny, Riku. Why aren't you laughing? Do you need help?”

Axel: Riku really does need hired help in order to laugh.
Riku: *glare*
Sora: That's what I'm here for! *makes funny face*
Riku: ......*sporfle*

He began tickling the younger, who yelped, and ran away, down the hall.

Kairi: What is it with these people and punishing others via tickling?
Sora: Sephiroth's first act as king of this place is to sentence anyone who doesn't bow down at the sight of him to two hours' worth of extreme tickling.

It had been so long since the two of them had done something so childish.

Axel: Must be the mercury in the fish we just kissed.

Sephiroth watched from his balcony as the two younger ones ran out into the castle garden. His eyes narrowed dangerously. Something was going on, and he was going to find out.

Kairi: Aww, Sephiroth wants to join in the playtime with demi-incestuous overtones!

Whether Axel and Riku liked it or not.

Riku: NO, SIR, I DON'T LIKE IT.

Meanwhile, Sora is still fawning over his new necklace.

A knock on his door startled the boy, and he stuffed the piece of jewelry under his bed covers, just as Cloud entered the room.

Kairi: Act suspicious, He'll NEVER NOTICE.
Riku: Well, if it's not porn, it's always something.
Axel: Cloud would probably assume it's human porn.
Sora: Why'm I worrying about hiding it now?! Leon and Cloud've BOTH seen it!

“Sora?”

Sora looked up, innocently. “Yeah mom?” He shifted his tail fins so that they were resting on the place where the necklace was hidden. He was lucky he had been looking down when his father and mother had found them, yesterday. Otherwise, his and Roxas's ruse would have been pointless. The necklace would have been a dead give away.

All: BUUUUUULL.
Kairi: ...Which hid the necklace...how?
Sora: *covers face with hands* Hah! Now you can't see me!
Axel: *as the author* DON'T WORRY, I am MIGHTY AUTHOR! I can retcon my way out of any plot hole!

Sora sits on mother Cloud’s lap (WTF?) and relates his sad tale, but with some lies thrown in. Not that we know what they are.

“You worried us.” Cloud whispered into Sora's hair.

Riku: Us on this side of the screen got that about three hours ago, you know.

Sora snorted. “Your father, too, Sora, don't let his anger fool you.”

Axel: He loves you very much and will only beat you gently.

The blond's eyes glazed over, “While we were sleeping, a guardsman found your bedroom doors open, Sora. We didn't think you two were in so much trouble until...” He fell silent for a moment, “...until your father woke up screaming...”

Axel: The PTSD flashbacks always mean trouble.
Riku: *as Leon* CHARLIE'S EVERYWHERE! CLEAR THE AREA, MEN, THEY'RE GONNA DROP THE NAPALM!

Sora winced. His hand reached up and fingered the cheek where to burn had been.

Kairi: To burn, or not to burn...

It hurt no more, of course, but the memory the pain had caused was fresh in his mind.

Axel: And all the feelings of true love and affection he now associated with it!

The connection between the twins and Leon were probably what caused Leon to feel Sora's pain.

Sora: Feel my pain! COME, ANIMA!

Not much was known about Leon,

Riku: ....He's your KING. Don't you think that's a bad sign?
Axel: Mercongress won't ever begin impeachment proceedings, no matter what.
Sora: ....What if he has an affair with an intern?

but what was known was that he had powers not to be reckoned with.

Sora: He could use his sonar voice to help the Americans find Nazi U-boats and everything!

He was the one who had created the special bond between himself and his sons.

Axel: I won't be impressed until he can make Sora and Roxas shoot beams of sunshine out their asses.
All: .....

Cloud doesn’t really know what went on, and neither do we. He finally leaves.

He left afterwards, shutting the door. As soon as the blond was gone, Sora scrambled around under the covers of his bed for Riku's necklace.

Sora: My preeeecious...

As he held it up, the door slammed open, and Sora didn't have a chance to stuff it anywhere.

“Soraaaa...”

Riku: I WAAAAANT YOUR BRAAAAAINS!
Axel: *holds up hand* This is a brain-sucker. *clasps Sora's head and makes sucking noises* This is a brain-sucker starving to death.
All: ...
Sora: *whispers* He's STILL not that funny, for a clownfish.
Axel: *grumbles* With fronds like these, who needs anemones?

The brunette stopped looking so frightened and growled, taking one of his pillows and whacking Roxas in the head with it.

Sora: Now are pillow fights a better or worse punishment than tickling?

“Don't do that!” He snarled. Roxas laughed, dodging and settling onto his brother's bed.

Kairi: This counts as being out of his room, doesn't it?

The blond snatched the jewelry from Sora's hand and held it up to the light.

Riku: We ooohed and ahhhed over the jewelry all last chapter! Can't we move on, please?
Axel: That will probably entail getting into the buttsexing and mpreging.
Riku: ...Jewelry's nice and all.

“Wow this is cool...” Roxas admitted, staring into the silver crown. Sora whined and reached for it. “Come on, Sora, I'm not gonna eat it!”

Axel: Why not? Tasty lead.

Roxas protested as Sora grabbed the necklace back. The older twin watched Sora put it possessively around his neck.

Sora: THE NECKLACE MUST GO TO MORDOR!
Kairi: One does not simply walk onto land!
Riku: *grumble* Not with these useless fins, anyway...

“Are you really that attached to it?” Roxas smirked, “Or, rather, him?”

Riku: Roxas is just jealous because Axel didn't leave him any bling to remember him by.
Axel: Here, he can have a chakram in the neck for the memories.

Sora blushed. “Of course not! It's mine, though, and you can't have it!”

Roxas snickered. “Sora has a crush...”

Sora: Nah. Crush's by Australia this time of year.

Roxas makes fun of Sora for liking a human. Except he likes a human, too!

“...” Sora looked around before muttering, “Yeah...”

“HAH! I knew it!”

All: DUHHHHHH.

“Shut up and tell me what we have to do, you moron!”

Riku: Why he'd want instructions from a moron is beyond me.
Axel: Brainsuckers and Sora, remember?

Sora hissed, pinching Roxas's side. The blond yelped.

Kairi: Just swim through the nonexistent ceiling again.

“Okay! Don't pinch me!” He pouted, “We have to go tonight, at eleven. Simple enough?”

“Why eleven?”

Roxas rolled his eyes, “That's when they change guards, you idiot.”

Kairi: And when Leon's magic heat-seeking powers conveniently stop working.
Riku: 1600 years old tonight and he's never noticed when they change guards?

“So I forgot; behead me.”

Axel: So glad of you to ask.

Roxas grabbed Sora's necklace and pulled him forward. “Listen up.” He hissed poisonously, “If we get caught, we're dead, got me?”

Sora: That whole "worshiped godly princes" thing is a lie?

Sora nodded, “Good. Now look, we're going to have to go out the windows,

Riku: Windows? Underwater?!
Axel: Steve Jobs won't expand Macintosh under the sea for another few years.

Sora better be ready to go on another land-based adventure!

Roxas grinned. “Don't pretty yourself up too much.”

Kairi: All he has to do for that is put on his black n' lacy Victoria's Secret Yiddish underwear.

“Get out.”

Roxas flipped his hair,

Kairi: HOW? It's like two inches long!

smirking, and darted out into the hallway, flicking the door closed with his tail. Sora's hand found it's way up his chest and over the crown. His fingers curled loosely around it. Going to the windows, which were glass-less holes in the coral, he gazed to the east, where the sun was setting.

All: .....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

To the north, he knew, Riku was waiting.

Waiting for him.

Kairi: *flips through script* Well hey, that's as far as it goes! Looks like we got off without hitting the mpreg.
Riku: FINALLY. I can't wait to get out of these stupid shark fins!
Sora: *sheepish* Well...at least you didn't have King Triton judging your swimming?
Riku: Axel was critic enough, thank you.
Axel: My pleasure. Now if you excuse me, I'm leaving this hell-waterhole before you guys can squeeze in ONE more Finding Nemo joke. *Opens a portal of darkness and swims out of the theater*
All: ...
Sora: He's gonna go touch the butt.
All: *burst out laughing*

Dunno what we'll be up to next...but for now, thanks for reading!

Like Shooting Fish in a Barrel - PART ONE

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 04:03:58 GMT

We're back once again, with a whale of a sporking tale! When mpreg is involved in a fanfiction, you know something is fishy. But when it's coupled with a mer-person yaoi romance ripped straight from "Little Mermaid" rewrites? There's nothing else this fic can be but all wet!
~~...We're sorry for all the fish/ocean puns.~~
~~No, this doesn't mean we'll stop making them.~~
----------------------------------------

Title: The Kingdom Below
Author: DragonRose888 (For a bucket of lulz, check the shipping names in this profile!)
Rating: A healthy four shadows: one for the purpley language, one for the OOC, one for the creepy gay love at first catch, and one for the mpreg and fishy anatomy whatthefuckery,

Full Name (including any titles): Sora, Roxas, Axel, Riku, Cloud, Leon and many more! (Not a female in sight, naturally!) Riku gets the unfortunate nickname of "Anchor."
Full Species(es): Canonus Aquarius, Canonus Semiaquarius
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon with your standard "pools of innocent sapphire" crap.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Same for the hair.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Sora, Roxas, Leon and Cloud all have mer-people tails. They also have the ability to reproduce by gay mersex because "real fish do that!" OKAY, SURE.
Special Possessions (if any): Their own personal kingdoms, hooray! Oh, and Sora's crown necklace is actually Riku's and it is TEH SPESHUL.

Origin: A ripoff of "The Little Mermaid"
Connections To Canon Characters: Sent them to sleep with the fishes.
Special Abilities: Merpeople live for thousands of years ~~like every other fantasy creature out there.~~ Axel somehow retains his fire abilities. Sora magically has the ability to insta-heal. Leon can feel everyone's life energies, or something creepy like that. And did we mention the ability to reproduce by way of gay mersex?
Other Annoying Traits: Everyone (except for probably Sephiroth and Seifer) is either a sappy child-talking gay lover wannabe, or a former sappy child-talking gay lover wannabe. It's exactly what you'd expect from an AU of this stripe, and all in all, it's pretty annoying!

I Say/Notes: Unfortunately, the first few chapters we've sporked don't get into the promised mpreg (aside from where Sora and Roxas come from), which is what made us look it up in the first place. But there is still plenty of mockable material in these first four! From the writing language to the contrived romances to the head-scratching nature of this undersea kingdom, there is more than enough in this waterlogged fic to laugh at!

Sample:

Our sporking opens not in the usual theater, but under the sea! The sporking theater here is made up of coral seats, with a piece of old sailcloth stretched across the front for the screen. Sora is already lazily swimming around the front row, when the gummi ship transports two more people down into the theater. Kairi and Riku pop up: Riku as a silver shark, and Kairi as a red and silver koi.
Riku: Woah...*tries to swim with shark tail; fails miserably* How do you move around here?
Sora: You'll get used to it pretty quick. We couldn't bring popcorn, but they do have popcorn shrimp.
Kairi: It's pretty here, but...I must admit, I'm a little worried that they had us change locations for this sporking. That's never a good sign.
Sora: At least they warned us ahead of time. Not like when I randomly went into lion form for that cat boy sporking... *sideways glance at Kairi*
Kairi: *looks down, then conscientiously crosses arms over her seashell bra*
Sora: *quickly averts gaze*
Riku: *still failing at swimming* So, is it just us three for this one? It seems like it'd be hard to get Axel down here...
Suddenly, a portal of darkness opens in the front row, and Axel swims in...as a clownfish.
Sora, Riku and Kairi: *open mouths*
Axel: Don't you EVEN say a WORD.
All four: *slowly sit*
All: ...
Riku: Hey guys, it looks like we found—
Axel: I SAID SHUT IT.

Long ago, before my time and yours alike, the sea was a woman of wonder to man.

Sora: And the only one we'll see in this fic, I'm sure!

She sang tunes of calm, peaceful waves,

Riku: And then man pissed her off royally and she grew into the 50-foot-woman, screamed, and dissolved into hundreds of rock crabs.

and warbled of storms greater then the likes anyone had ever seen.

Sora: What, is she on a birdwatching tour now?
Kairi: Did horrible things to the thesaurus, worse than the likes anyone had ever seen.

Men vowed to know all there was to know about her, but they were far off, in this point of time.

Kairi: We usually have beacons of inadvertent truth, but I wasn't expecting one so soon.
Sora and Riku: ...

There were tales of all sorts of creatures that lived in the bosom of this great ocean.

Axel: ...That just makes it sound like a bunch of fish are stuck between a giant pair of boobs.

Fishermen wove tales of sharks bigger then whole castles;

Riku: *hums Jaws theme*

sailors rambled of domes made of jelly.

Axel: Jell-O architecture as a field was no more respected in those days, either.
Riku: Did it shake like a bowl full of it?
Sora: Tonight! The Packers and the 49ers go head to head in...THE JELLYDOME!

But, the most popular, and most whispered of, was the story of the mer people;

Sora: ....Of course.
Riku: *still having trouble aligning himself* Hey, so long as they don't eat people.

beautiful, god and goddess-like beasts, with human heads, arms, and torsos,

Kairi: And more commas than you can shake a harpoon at.

but a tail of a monstrous fish. These beings, drunken boats-men claimed,

Kairi: ...Boats-men? Half man, half barge?
Axel: You'd think they'd know better than to point fingers at half fish then.

No one knows they exist! Except they're rumored to exist. Or people remember they exist. ...Something. By the way, Roxas and Sora are twin princes.

Mer folk live longer then we humans, of course.

Riku: Not if Starkist has anything to say about it!

They only live to produce one offspring their entire lives.

Axel: So basically evolution gave them a solid kick in the face. Excellent.
Sora: Wow, someone better go tell all of Ariel's sisters.

Which is why the two heirs to the throne were so worshiped.

Axel: Freaks! Unholy monsters! Mutants! Boo! Boo!

Their mother, Cloud, named for his pale-white tail,

Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sora: *facepalm*
Kairi: Wait...mother? His?
Riku: Wow, the mpreg has kicked in after only a few paragraphs.

was the mindset of King Squall,

Riku: Of all the times NOT to abuse the thesaurus...

named for the storms that disrupted the ocean's patterns.

Sora: As opposed to King Leon, named for the ocean's mighty...lions.

It was a truly remarkable thing, mer people, for you see,

Kairi: ...Were not bound by the land-dwellers grammatical tense and verb agreement?

like fish, both sexes were able to play the other sex's role.

All: ...
Kairi: I think for this author's birthday I'm going to send them tickets to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and a handy book on marine biology. With a long chapter on mating.
Axel: Really? I was just going to go with my usual of a punch in the face.
Sora: So basically, all merpeople are really certain species of West African frogs.

Which is why, when Squall finally purposed to Cloud, Roxas and Sora were able to come into the world.

Riku: I hope they made a break for it before Cloud tried to eat them.

Twins are extremely rare in the mer-people's realm.

Sora: Even rarer than women!

It was certainly a time to celebrate when the two heirs were welcomed into their watery world.

Axel: I'll certainly be celebrating when I welcome them to their watery GRAVE.
Sora: *whispers to Riku* ...You know, for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.
Riku: *whispers back* Pity.
Axel: I HEARD THAT.

Roxas is named before Sora is! They go to the surface to name him, because it's SPECIAL.

The family had broken the surface, and gazed upon the midnight dome above them.

Riku: *as Cloud* Quiet guys, the planetarium show's about to start!
Axel: It's an aquarium planetarium!

Sora had reached out his tiny hand for the sky. It was then Leon knew what to call him.

Axel: "Magpie."

Holding the child to the heavens, the sea king announced to all:

Sora: It's the CIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIFE! AND IT MOOOOOVES US AAAAAALL...

“Sora; son of the water and sky.”

And, at that moment, I kid you not,

Sora: Oh man, you guys, she's SO NOT KIDDING.
Riku: And I'm kid you not when I say this is getting annoying! *still swimming poorly*

the moon came out of the clouds and bathed the new babe in its eerie, white light.

Kairi: ....."I kid you not?!"
Axel: See, if they had any sense they'd interpret it as a sign and kill it.

One-thousand and six-hundred years after that,

Sora: We sailed the open seeeea!
Riku: For glooory, God and gooold...
Both: AND THE VIRGINIA COMP-AN-YYYY!

(which is sixteen human years to mer folk),

Kairi: What, the ocean completes its orbit slower than the surface?
Axel: You and your land-dweller astronomy and cosmology.

the twins in question were sneaking around after dark. Both were very bold,

Axel: And good with a bit of mango sauce and some butter.

Roxas wants Sora to hurry up! Sora doesn't want to go look for their birthday presents.

“No.” Sora whispered. For what appeared to be sixteen-year-olds, they were a bit childish,

Riku: Over a thousand years old without the sense God gave a carburetor. Why do they still live?
Axel: You and your land-dweller evolution.

something their father constantly lectured them on.

Axel: *as Leon* What have I told you boys about acting too shota?! You're just asking for some seme shark-man to come and rape you both up the tailfins!
Riku: *swishes tail awkwardly*

“Then hush!” Roxas snapped quietly, “We're looking for them because Hayner put some kind of booby-trap in one. I don't want to look like a moron, tomorrow!”

Sora: How good of a booby trap can it be if he already knows about it?
Axel: More importantly, why is Roxas worried about being a moron tomorrow when he's already one now?

And then Roxas bribes Sora with cake.

There was a soft 'whoosh', and the throne room lay open before them.

Sora: FINALLY, a save point!

Sora saw the comfy, seaweed filled cushions on his father's throne and swam towards it, settling into it with a tired sigh.

Riku: Jeez, all you did was open a door.

His tail swayed gently with the current.

Roxas rummaged through the gifts behind the white-seaweed-weave tablecloths.

Axel: *as Roxas* THIRTY-FIVE! THIRTY-FIVE, BUT LAST YEAR I GOT THIRTY-SIX!
Kairi: Now now, when we go out, we'll buy you two MORE presents!

“You know, Sora,” He said, softly, “Mom's always telling us we were born this time of night.”

Sora: Yeah, I'm pretty sick and tired of hearing about it, too.
Riku: *as Cloud* I was in labor with you two for FOURTY-ONE HOURS!

He looked up at the ceiling-less room,

Sora: ...Why'd we go to the trouble of opening the door when we could have just swum over the walls, then?

the moon above casting an eerie, moving glow on the surface above.

Kairi: ....If they can actually see the moonlight, there's no way they can be more than fifty-some feet from the surface.
Axel: You and your land-dweller physics.

Wow, Roxas wonders what the surface is like...

Roxas was silent, for a moment. Sora caught a whiff of what he was thinking.

Sora: *holds nose* Pee-YEW!

“No, Roxas. No. We're not going up there.” Sora said, “You know dad would kill us.”

Axel: Excellent. Get on with it!

Mer-people have been forbidden from the surface ever since they crawled off land and into the sea.

Sora: Kinda jerkish of Leon and Cloud to go up there and tell everyone not to.
Kairi: ...If they've never gone up to the surface, how is it they named Cloud...well, Cloud?
Axel: You and your land-dweller logic.

That was were the two footed barbarians lived.

Riku: With their barbarian indoor plumbing and their barbarian electricity and their barbarian reality television shows!

There were tales of all sorts of strange beasts that lived above the water, mere fables to anyone that hadn't seen them for their-selves.

Kairi: So, ships and shipwrecks are like the UFOs of the mermaid world?

And Sora had a bad feeling that was the kind of thing his twin wanted to see.

Sora: Good, then let him go make friends with the uke-eating people and I'll stay down here.

Faster then a swordfish,

Riku: That's not how it goes! It's: FASTER THAN LIIIIGHT-NING!

Roxas darted to the ceiling,

All: What ceiling?!

gazing down at his brother. “You know you want to find out, Ra.”

All: NOT THE HALF-NAME NICKNAMES AGAIN!
Sora: But hey! Instead of being a conjunction or a carbonated beverage, I'm the Egyptian god of the sun! I think that's an improvement.
Riku: So, this pattern makes Roxas....Ass?

And so, twin merboys head for the surface! Meanwhile, a bunch of people are partying on a ship.

As it was, Riku was his name,

Axel: And whaling was his game!

and it was given to him because it meant land. Ironic for a child born at sea.

Riku: That leads me to believe that otherwise I would've been named Kairi.
All: ...*wierded out*

Perhaps his dear mother, bless her,

Sora: I KID YOU NOT.
Kairi: Doesn't she mean "him?"

had wanted the comfort of being home. As it was, she perished when Riku was six years old.

He leaned against the railing of a ship his father said was his, now.

Sora: Apparently, Riku's parents know how to dish out the mad presents.

He wasn't sea-sick, merely thinking, but everyone took great pleasure in accusing him of being so.

Axel: *taking great pleasure* So, Riku! Are you sea-motion-sick yet?
Riku: *Unable to steer fins; going hopelessly in circles* I SAID shut up!

The prince looked down at the necklace in his hands. A silver crown hung from a large link chain, glowing in the moon light.

Sora: Hey, that's mine! That's my special trademark bling!
Riku: I'm just holding it for you until the radioactivity wears off.

It had been his mother's, and she had pressed it into his palm before breathing her last. It was special, and that was the reason Riku had insisted on sailing out into the ocean; to remember his mother.

Riku: And then I dropped it back into the ocean, returning it to the depths from whence it came!
Sora and Kairi: *hum 'My Heart Will Go On'*

The boy closed his eyes, thinking back. A hand landed on his shoulder,

Riku: Aww, Thing came along too!

and he looked up to see the emerald eyes of Axel, the second-born prince, and one of Riku's older brothers.

Kairi: Well, this is...kinda new.
Axel: I was the one that picked on him all the time.

“You all right, Anchor?” Anchor was also a result of Riku's name, as it meant he was the 'anchor' to home.

Axel: *uproarious laughter*
Kairi: And Axel was right!
Axel: Hey, ANCHOR! Better hurry, or you'll be late for the sharks anonymous meeting with Bruce and Chum!
Riku: Yeah, I better make sure and bring my FISH FRIEND, huh Nemo?
Axel: *throws popcorn shrimp at Riku*

Riku smiled. “Fine. Where's Sephiroth?”

Sora: The Dark Depths, I think.

Axel shrugged, leaning on the railing as well, and gazing out at the water. “I'm not his keeper.”

Sora: Wow guys, you know you've got great writing when the allusions are BIBLICAL.
Axel: Hey, this means I killed him! I never liked his hair, anyway.

Older (and meaner) brother Sephiroth shows up!

Riku smiled pleasantly at his brother. “Seph.”

The taller of the three frowned. “Don't call me that.”

Kairi: *as Sephiroth* "And use proper superlatives."
Axel: Sure thing, Sephykins.

Axel rolled his eyes, turning back to Riku. “So,” He hopped up and sat on the railing, “What's on your mind, Riku?”

Sora: He's gone to Carolina in his mind!

Riku smiled, gazing into the water below. “Do you remember...Mom telling us that story?”

Riku: Look, I'm channeling Shatner!

“How could I forget? The one about you, right?” Axel replied.

Axel: And how you got into daddy's rum stash and tried to jump off the castle balcony but stopped because you were too busy puking your guts out? Yeah, that was a riot.

Riku nodded. “Yep.” He turned to Sephiroth, “How'd it go, Sephiroth? That story.”

Sora: Forgotten already? Some treasured memory.

Axel nodded, sitting cross legged in front of Sephiroth. “Oh! Story time wif Sephy!” He cried.

Riku: *as himself* I want "The Hungry Little Caterpillar!"
Axel: *as himself* Nuh-uh, I want "Madeline's Rescue!"
Riku: *as himself* Nooo, I WANT HUNGRY LITTLE CATERPILLAR.
Axel: *as himself* You got Madeline's Rescue last time, JAWS.
Riku: *as himself* That's because Sephy likes me better, CLOWN-BOY.

Riku chuckled. The older silver-haired boy rolled his eyes.

Kairi: *as Sephiroth* Quiet kiddies; I'm reading you "Slaughterhouse Five."

“You two are such children.” He muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose,

Sora: *in Ford announcer voice* Axel And Riku: Shota, and PRRRRROOOUD of it!

“Very well, but only because it's your birthday, Riku.”

Riku: It's my birthday, and I'll whine if I want to.

He cleared his throat, “On the night you were born, Riku, mother always said you were special.

Kairi: Kicked her in the bladder more than any of her other kids.
Axel: After that night, though, he was just another yapping mouth to feed.

She said she missed her home and family, and she named you what you are.”

Sora: But his name's Riku.
Riku: Maybe Whatyouare is my middle name.

And then when Riku was a year old his mother took him out to sea and they saw mer-people! AWWWW.

Riku smiled. “Yep.” He always loved that story,

Axel: It made him feel important and snobbish.
Riku: *wiggles tail ineffectually* One of these days, Axel...

“And mom said she thought they came just for me, but they didn't.

Riku: They're not dingoes, after all.
Axel: Or are they?

They were blessing a baby.” He screwed up his face,

Sora: *as Riku* And boy, did they reek!

“What was the name...they said what his name was...” His eyes fluttered open, and found that they were all three gazing at the sky.

Riku: *as himself* Wait...I see the name...in the clouds!
Axel: *as himself* So the name was EAT AT JOE'S?

“Sora.” Riku murmured, “That was it...Sora...”

Kairi: *as Sephiroth* Uh Riku, would you and the sky like to be alone for a little while?

Axel shook himself from his daze. “You were in diapers, Anchor, how could remember that?”

Sora: Forget diapers, wasn't I supposedly born two thousand years ago?
Riku: Clearly, I'm a TIME LORD.

He looked down, thoughtfully, “Although, that is a pretty name...”

Axel: *as himself* For a girl.

Sephiroth had remained quiet.

“Thanks for telling it again, Seph.” Riku said. Sephiroth did not answer, gazing, instead, at the sea, a look of shock on his face. “Seph?”

Sora: *as Sephiroth* Maybe if I ignore them, they'll go away and stop being related to me.

Riku turned his attention towards the sea as well. His eyes widened.

Sora: *as Riku* It's the WHITE WHALE! Arm the harpoons, lads!
Axel: *hopefully* Shrieking Eels?
Riku: We'll throw you to them, SHARKBAIT.
Axel: At least I can swim away, ANCHOR.

“Axel...look.”

Axel chuckled, but amused his brother anyway and looked. His jaw dropped.

Axel: We're gonna need a bigger boat.

“Those...are...”

Riku and Sephiroth nodded.

Sora: The black suits' comin.'

“Mer-folk.”

Axel: *as himself* You guys get the lemons and pepper, I'll go churn us some butter!

At chapter two, our two mer-princes finally reach the surface!

“Wow...”

“It's...pretty...”

Axel: And it only costs four thousand munny!

The twin sea-princes were gazing up at the night sky in wonder.

Axel: *as one of them* That bunch of stars looks like your mum.

Sparkles covered every inch,

Kairi: ...Of what?
Riku: A herd of Mary Sues just came by here.

and a bright, gray orb hung in the sky, bathing them with it's light.

Sora felt different, somehow. Like a good wave of warmth and contentment had washed over him.

Sora: That's just the tide coming in.

Judging by the look Roxas was wearing, his older twin felt the very same way.

Roxas nudged Sora. “What are those things?” He asked, awed, and pointed to the sparkles.

Axel: Fireflies. Got stuck up in that big bluish-black thing.

“I don't know. Gems?” Sora answered in a hushed voice.

Riku: Oh, gee. I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.
Kairi: I should probably not point out that only cut gems are that sparkly and I really doubt you can cut them underwater.

“How'd they get up there?”

Sora: They're full of helium!

“I dunno...Maybe someone put them there.”

“Like who?”

Sora: Brian Boitano.

They swim to some rocks.

“What's that big bubble doing, way up there?” He asked, pointing to the moon.

Kairi: Floating. Pretty standard for bubbles, you know.

“Mom said that was the moon.” Roxas replied.

Sora: And it saw me standing alone!
Riku: Without a dream in your heart!
Kairi: Without a love of your own!

“That's what lights up the ocean at night?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Cool.”

Axel: Wait till you see the electric bill.

When suddenly, a net is flung over them!

“Got'em!”

“Good one, Seifer!”

Axel: Yep, I'd say that qualifies as totally owning you lamers.

Sora felt the net, for that was what it was, dig into his arms and chest, pressing his shoulder uncomfortably closer to his brother's. “What's going on?!” He cried, frightened.

Axel: Your incompetence being proven, I imagine.
Riku: If you don't talk to your kids about deep-sea fishing...who will?

“Hush your mouth, Fishy! Now that we have proof of your existence, we'll make a fortune!”

Riku: No, you'll just have a creepy pseudo-graveyard in the middle of the Castle That Never Was.
All: *shiver*

Someone shouted.

There was a loud smacking sound.

Kairi: Tom Hanks has arrived to rescue them!

“You idiot! Shuddup!”

“Yes, Seifer.”

“Our orders were to catch them and bring them back to the ship to present to their royal highnesses!

Kairi: They haven't been on the surface for five minutes, but they've been seen, orders have been issued, and already been carried out?
Riku: Proof of their true uke nature, I guess.

Or did you forget, you twit? Honestly, Hayner, I don't know why I bother to put up with you...”

Sora: Wait a second...wasn't Hayner the merboy friend who booby-trapped Roxas's presents?
All: ...
Axel: He's a DOUBLE AGENT!

“Yes, Seifer, sir.”

Roxas squirmed, beating his tail furiously. “If you don't let us go, our father's going to have a fit!”

Riku: *as Roxas* I'M TELLIN' MY DADDY ON YOOOOOOU!
Sora: *as himself* MY daddy can beat up YOUR daddy.

There were roars of laughter and deafening jeers. “Aw, a little daddy's boy, eh?” Said the boy named Hayner.

Axel: *as Hayner* THIS is what you get for not falling for my booby traps!

They are taken into a boat! Where they discover that humans *gasp* have legs.

These kidnappers had no tail fins. Instead, there were two things sticking out of their hips,

Kairi: Since when did fish-people know what hips were?
Riku: Since they found out how hard it is to move without them! *flails miserably*

which ended in other flesh pieces tipped with little nubs of flesh that looked like stubby fingers.

Riku: My first order as captain of this vessel: everyone goes barefoot!

Sora whimpered. Roxas gulped. They knew they were in trouble.

They had been kidnapped by a pair of humans.

Sora: I KID YOU NOT.

They are then rowed to the even bigger ship and dumped on board.

They were every where. Humans. Lots of them. All male, by the looks of it.

Axel: Dammit.
Kairi: How would they even know what a female human looked like?

They were red faced and they had those strange pieces of cloth over their bodies.

Riku: They're all wearing burkas.

Sora whimpered again, and he felt Roxas rub his arm against the younger twin. It was only comfort he received.

Sora: So it wasn't that much, frankly.

“Well, well, WELL.”

Riku: Sadly, it doesn't seem to have a bucket, bucket, BUCKET.
Kairi: Must be the kind for wishing, wishing, WISHING.

Came a loud, sinister voice. Sora wanted to cower, but found all he could do was squirm. A human taller then the rest came forward. His long, silver hair masked his evil face.

Sora: I'm going to hazard a guess here that this character is evil.

“It seems that the glorious mer people aren't too good for land, after all.” He said, and the crowd hushed.

Axel: Not too good for water either. *pushes Riku's dorsal fin, puts him in a spin*
Riku: I swear when I get out of this theater--

Roxas hissed. “Let us go, you monster!” He spat.

More laughter. The silver-haired one smirked. “And let such a pair of priceless things go? I think not. People from across the world would come to see you two...” He murmured.

Kairi: But first they'll have to teach them to jump through hoops and bounce a basketball off their noses.
Axel: And then when they're bored of that they'll head over to Busch Gardens to get drunk.

“Put us on display?! Are you insane?!?!” Roxas cried, enraged, “We are living beings!”

Axel: Well, so're zoo animals and farm animals and washed-out celebrities...
Sora: What, are we vegetarian merpeople now?
Riku: Well, this membership card just arrived in the mail from the Animal Liberation Front.
Kairi: Protip, Roxas: it's SENTIENT beings.

Sephiroth thinks Roxas's name is pretty. Then Axel shows up.

A fiery-headed human appeared, smiling jauntily. “Oh, so soon? But I haven't introduced myself to our-” He stopped, gazing, entranced, at Roxas, “...Guests...” He finished softly.

Sora: WOW, it looks like it's love at first catch for Axel!
Kairi: Not even five seconds into meeting him and already he's already lusting after marine life!
Riku: Fish are friends with benefits, not food!
Axel: *sneer* Hey Riku-- Lucky fin! *gives him a smack*

Another human came forward, and though he was shorter then the other two, it was he who caught Sora's attention.

Axel: Bloody chainsaws will do that to a person.
Kairi: And now, with the same-old OTPs firmly in place, this fic can finally get on with sucking.

“Why are they tied up?” The boy asked, glaring at the taller silver-haired boy, who's hair matched his own.

Axel: *as Sephiroth* I thought you were into this kinda thing. If not, I know I am!

“Because, dear Riku, I don't think they would waste one minute trying to escape if they weren't.”

They younger, Riku, frowned. “It's inhumane. Besides, they don't have feet. How could they move?”

Kairi: For a sailor, Riku sure doesn't know much about how easily fish can flop out of a boat and back into the water.
Riku: Nonsense, the tails are just there for decoration.

There was a hushed silence.

“...I suppose you're right, Riku.” The older said softly. He clicked his fingers, and someone came forward and untied Sora and Roxas's bonds.

Sora: Seifer and not-merboy!Hayner, meanwhile, had already been forgotten and dropped off the face of the fanfic.

These mean ol' humans better let them go, or their father will be very angry!

Sephiroth snorted. “Oh? How will he know?”

“He's...our father...” Sora whispered.

Riku: And he's looking for the East Australian Current, got that? The E.A.C.

Silence.

Kairi: Is golden.
Sora: Please turn off all cell phones and pagers while in the sporking theater.

“Oh, shit...Seph, let'em go.” The red head stuttered.

Riku: Catch 'em when they're grown up, they'll be much bigger.

Sephiroth looked less cocky. “How do I know you're not lying, mermaid?”

Kairi: Well, does anyone have a polygraph machine handy?

Sora turned red with rage. “I'm not a mermaid! I'm male, thank you!” He exclaimed, outraged.

Riku raised an eyebrow. “There's a difference?”

Axel: He's got a point.
All: *nod*

“Yes!”

Sora: We don't know what it is yet, but when we figure it out, we'll let you know!

“I didn't realize.”

Riku: I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED.
Sora: This is worse than an R.L. Stein book!

Sora glared. “You humans realize nothing.

Riku: *affects a deep voice* Those who know nothing can understand nothing.
Sora: *weirded out!*

You're monsters, the whole lot of you! Locking up some living creature in a cage so people can laugh at it and let it rot away!” He spat at Riku's feet.

Kairi: And yet, once again, it's always the humans who are the mean, nasty, filthy beings in comparison to the saintly half-animal mythical creatures.
Axel: ...Who assume that the moon is a giant bubble.

There was a deathly silence.

The boy named Axel looked ready to spit fire.

Sora: *curious* ...Can you?
Axel: At the moment, no. Sadly.

In fact, his palms lit up with it, and he moved closer, Roxas and Sora gazing, transfixed, at the light in the red-head's hands.

Riku: HEY, welcome back, Agent Nemo McFlurry!
Axel: *yanks on Riku's tail; getting him stuck him a patch of seaweed* Same to you, ANCHOR.

“Don't you DARE treat my brother that way!” Axel roared, and he struck Sora quite hard across the boy's face.

Kairi: Which boy's face?
Axel: Both of them. They both deserve it.

Sora screamed. The light, whatever it was, burned. It burned terribly.

Axel: It burned horribly! It burned maliciously! It burned nasty disfigurement into his face!
Riku: *struggling to get out seaweed* Having fun there, McFlurry?
Axel: Oh yes.
Kairi: *sighs, swims over to help Riku out*

The pain that little blow would have normally caused was nothing compared to that and this awful burning.

Sora: The badfic! It buuuuurns us, precious!

Roxas was horrified. “What did you do?!”

Axel: Blackened trout. It's good with collard greens.

Poor burned Sora! Roxas yells at Axel, and Riku apologizes for all the misunderstandings.

At once, however, the light of the moon had been cut off.

Kairi: Happens when you put off paying the electric bill.

Storm clouds began to gather. Everyone shivered.

Sora stopped his crying, moaning, “Father...”

Axel: Who's your daddy?
Sora: *squick*

Riku's eyes widened as the ghastly burn mark faded into nothingness, leaving Sora's face unblemished,

All: CHEEEEEEEAP.
Sora: At least let me use a cure spell or hi-potion before we resort to Wolverine powers!
Kairi: Not Wolverine powers: the uke powers are kicking in to prevent his perfect innocent face from being marred.

“Father...” Sora moaned again, “...He's angry...”

Riku: He just found out they canceled "Firefly."

Lightning crackled the air, and the captain started hollering orders, while the crew scrambled about.

Axel: They're all fighting for who gets to tie themselves to the mast.

Riku and Axel carry Sora and Roxas off to their cabin.

Sora opened his eyes. The pain had receded, now.

Axel: Time for the fawning and adoration to set in.

It was lucky the mer folk came with that little bit of natural healing ability, or he'd have a nasty scar.

Kairi: Yeah, it was lucky this random plot point was thrown in out of nowhere, or else we might actually have to deal with the consequences of our actions.

He looked up, immediately drowning in two twin pools of sea-green.

Sora: ...But I'm a merboy.
Axel: Excellent. Now hold him down just a little bit longer....

They were unlike any eyes Sora had ever seen, and Sora had seen plenty.

Riku: Fish eyes, whale eyes, lobster eyes, squid eyes, and deep sea anglerfish eyes!
Sora: ...And they were all blue.

Riku stopped walking when he heard a faint murmur coming from the mer-boy he carried in his arms. “Sorry?” He replied.

Kairi: *as Sora* Let go of my gills, idiot, I can't breathe.

He leaned closer.

“...You have...beautiful eyes...” Sora whispered. He smiled, weakly.

Axel: Then, while Riku was still shocked over this, he went straight for the throat.

The human prince blinked, surprised. “Um...thank-you?”

Sora's smile slipped. “Never mind.” He mumbled.

Sora: What was I expecting? "The better to see you with?"
Axel: It's what I was expecting.

Riku kicked the door to the cabin open, seeing his brother crouched on the floor, holding his nose.

Sora: Naw, duh. You're keeping him out of water long enough!
Riku: This fanfic is turning into...GYO!

“The damn thing kicked me! I mean, beat me!”

Axel: I mean, bitchslapped me! I mean, punched me! I mean--

The pyro was moaning. Roxas smirked.

“Then don't put your hands near my tolach.”

Riku: *as Roxas* Bad touch! Mr. Safety Shell says I can say no!

Riku raised an eyebrow, while Sora gasped. “What in God's name is a tolach?”

Sora: I don't know, but it sounds vaguely Yiddish.

The silver-haired prince asked.

Sora answered. “This.” He pinched the bit of cloth that was wrapped around his own waist.

Riku: They don't know what clothes are, yet...they wear them.
Sora: Well, it's better than having nothing....
All: *awkward pause*
Kairi: Don't look at me; at least I come with the seashells.

A thick, bronze band fastened it to his waist, and another hooked below it, cutting off part of his waist

Axel: Ready-made sushi! Handy.

and...more private area. A taunt piece of baby blue cloth was stretched between the two bands. Roxas had the same on his waist, though the cloth was sapphire blue.

Sora: And "Fruit of the Loom" was stitched on the side.

Riku sighed. “It looks like clothing.”

“What's that?” Roxas asked, confused. Axel sighed.

“What we wear to keep ourselves from streaking.” He said with a smirk, “And it appears you mer-folk wear less then that.” Roxas blushed.

Kairi: Why are they blushing over a human societal norm that they have no experience with?
Axel: You and your land-dweller sociology.

Don't touch their no-no parts that reproduce! Bad Axel!

Sora stopped looking so cocky and looked away. The blond immediately regretted his words. “You know I didn't mean it.”

Kairi: Does anyone mean anything they do in this fic?

He said, quickly. Sora looked at him again and grinned.

Suddenly, the ship lurched, sending all four boys to the floor.

Riku: WE'VE HIT AN ICEBERG, CAP'N!

Riku groaned. “What was that?” He felt something wriggle beneath him and blushed.

Axel: Hey don't rock the boat; it turns Riku on!
Sora: I'd like to know where, you got the noootion...said I'd like to know where, you got the nooootion...

“Geroff!” Sora cried, “I can't breath!”

Sora: Speaking of...shouldn't we have both suffocated by now?

Riku scrambled off, blushed madly. “S-Sorry...” Something clicked, at that moment, “Wait...He called you Sora, right?”

Sora: Yeah....ten paragraphs ago.
Axel: Not the fastest fish in the sea, is he?

The brunette sat up as best he could, propped up on his hands, and nodded.

“Yeah.” Sora answered, “Why?” He cocked his head cutely.

Riku: Because they're going to pull some destined to meet since we were born crap.
Sora: *cocks head* Why?
Riku: Because they always do this to us in fanfics where we're paired together.
Sora: *cocks head* Why?
Riku: Because it gets them lots of reviews from other fangirls.
Sora: *cocks head* Why?
Riku: Because they like this kind of sappy destiny stuff.
Sora: *cocks head* Why?
Axel: Because I'm going to chakram you both if you don't SHUT UP.

Axel looked at Sora from his place, which was on top of Roxas's tail.

Kairi: Wow, someone doesn't waste ANY time.
Riku: It's fish-people that can get pregnant. Were you expecting any different?

“Riku was just saying something about that name when we spotted you.” He purred, chin resting on his hands.

Sora: He's a clownfish, not a catfish!

Roxas growled, trying to push the boy off, but gave up, and slapped his tail fins uselessly against the floor.

Kairi: And even as a merboy, his potential rape is still ignored by all.

“Care to tell how you got said name?”

Riku: Baby name dictionary?

Sora and Roxas eyed each other. “Um...” Sora looked at the two humans as though they were insane, (they probably were, if they hadn't thrown the two mer-boys back into the angry sea, by now).

Sora: Jonah agrees!

“Mother...he always used to say he and Father took us to the surface, after we were born. Father named me after the sky.”

Sora: *as himself* He's from the Sea Of Japan, you know.

Riku says that he remembers seeing Sora when he was a wee young 'un! Sora and Roxas have a good laugh about this.

Sora giggled. “Hate to break it to you, but we're 1,600 years old tonight.”

Sora: We get featured on Smucker's Century-old Citizens every year!

The princes of the land gaped, “You humans don't live long. How old are you?”

“S-Seventeen...” Riku said, weakly.

Riku: And four months, thank you.

“Then you couldn't have possibly seen Sora and me,” Roxas said, wiping his eyes, “You wouldn't have been born then. Less you were one of us, which you clearly aren't.”

Axel: I predict half-breeds in this story! And I'm not talking about whatever freakbabies Sora and Roxas pop out.
Kairi: ...That still makes no sense. Unless humans are measuring their years different than merpeople ones, he'd say he was also turning 1700 years old.
Sora: I'm not going to bother figuring it out and just lump this in the same plothole with double agent Hayner.

Riku looked away, eyes downcast. “But...I was so sure...” He whispered. So, his mother's story had been just that; a story, nothing more.

Axel: While we're at it--The Easter Bunny isn't real, the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist, and your parents did NOT find you under a cabbage leaf; they fucked like everyone else.

Sora saw the pain in the human's eyes.

Axel: And he laughed even harder.

“I'm sorry.” He said, reaching over and placing a comforting hand on the green-eyed boy's shoulder, “Perhaps you saw something else?”

Sora: I hear Nessie sightings are pretty popular this time of year.

Riku smiled sadly and shook his head. “No. No, I couldn't have. My mother used to tell me that story a lot.” He fingered the chain under his shirt, “She's dead, now.”

Kairi: Maybe he should have written it down before that happened.

The brunette looked devastated. “Oh, no. I'm sorry. That must have been awful...”

Axel: Not so much, actually. Now we can do whatever we want and no one tells us no.

Axel nodded. “We were with her when she died.” He said, softly. Roxas hesitated, and then reached over, rubbing Axel's back comfortingly.

Sora: *as Roxas* What happened to your dorsal fin?!
Riku: Is this ship ever going to get around to sinking, or what?

Sora eyed Riku's chain, curious. “What is that?”

Riku: An incredibly obvious plot device.
Axel: Made of lead. Try putting it in your mouth, it's tasty.

Sora notices Riku's necklace, and Riku gives it to him. Now Sora has pretty pretty bling!

Another crash of lightning came, and this time, a great splintering of wood followed.

Riku: STOP BLOWIN' HOLES IN MY SHIP!

“We've been hit!” Came the frantic cry, “She's lit up! Abandon ship!”

Sora: WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!
Axel: Shit, that's pretty much everyone.

Riku paled. “We're sinking.” He muttered.

All: FINALLY.

Axel shivered.

Sora looked at the two. “We'll help you stay above the surface if you help us get out.” He offered.

Axel: Or they could just get into the ocean when the ship sinks and leave these insane humans to the sharks.
Riku: ...

At that moment, an awful roar pierced the storm.

“GIVE ME BACK MY SONS!”

Roxas and Sora gulped.

“Father...”

Sora: Who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Riku: Thy kingdom come, thy characterization be followed,
Kairi: In fanfic as it is in canon.
Sora: Give us this day our daily spellcheck,
Riku: And forgive us our plotholes,
Kairi: As we forgive those who gloss over important details.
Sora: Lead us not into badfic,
Riku: But deliver us from OOC.
Kairi: For thine is the kingdom, and the glory, and the fandom forever.
All: A--.
Axel: -CHOO!
All: ...
Axel: *sniffs* Sorry. Plankton allergies.

We'll be back with the remaining chapters for this fic very soon!

"Badfic unclear, try again"... PART FOUR

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 04:57:38 GMT

And since this is where we stopped with our sporking, this is our final update for this fic! Thanks for sticking with us for this one; we hoped you enjoy it! We don't know what our next sporking will be, but we're already on the hunt for something truly crazy. XD

-------------------------

Title: 2 Hookers and an 8 Ball (With a title like that, you know it's a winner!)
Author: acquired.minds
Rating: One for burn-your-eyes-out stereotypes, one for unnecessary drama, one for the killer OOC, and one for a healthy dose of whatthefuckery. The shorter length and lack of bad porn keep this from a full five or an Ansem, respectively.

Check earlier or the tags section for earlier posts. Otherwise, onward we go with four and five!

Sample:

Kairi looked at the young man with the wild dark brown hair in wonder. He was so much more than just a pretty face on a magazine cover

Kairi: He was three-dimensional, for one.
Riku: Internal organs and everything.

or 'that hot lead singer'. She had come to learn this in the past 4 hours she had spent with him in his room.

Demyx: He was a lot lead at something else, too!
Axel: Teaching her how to play his piano.

Yesterday at this time she wouldn’t have believed it possible to have so much in common with someone so much higher up on the social scale than herself.

Marluxia: No matter how we try to hide it. *sigh*

But the two were exact matches.

Riku: Abusive parental figures and all!
Kairi: As this fic has kindly beat us over the head with for the past five chapters.

She observed the city life below her as Sora fiddled with the massive stereo that lay parallel to his bed. The sun, which outshone the blanket of fog that had rolled in, was just beginning it’s descent into the jagged Manhattan horizon, for it was almost 5 o’clock.

Axel: That's when the grues come out.
Demyx: But it's a five-o-clock woooorld when the whistle blows; no one owns a piece of my tiiiiime!...

“Hey Sora, you mentioned before that you’ve had some time off.”

Sora: From the hero business? BAD IDEA. Herc told me so.

Sora mentions that they'll be going on tour in Japan soon. Of COURSE.

“Yeah. Marluxia is even going to try to get us our own personal jet. It’s exciting.”

Marluxia: If a personal jet crashes in the middle of the Bering Strait, there will be no innocents lost. *halo*

“I could imagine.”

Riku: But I won't!

Silence fell between the two, leaving Sora free to go back to his CD browsing.

Sora: Why don't I have a Linens n' Things robot to do CD browsing for me?!

He selected Taking Back Sunday’s first album and popped it into the beastly stereo’s mouth.

Demyx: *as stereo* C is for CD, that's good enough for MEEEE!
Sora: *suspicious* Why does it keep sounding like this apartment complex wants to eat us?

It lit and made sounds up upon receiving its treat.

Axel: Aww, don't feed it that! You'll make the poor thing sick.
Demyx: What, you're saying he should just leave it around where innocent children could find it?

“Do you like Taking Back Sunday?” He asked her.

Marluxia: I prefer taking Tuesday for myself, thanks.

“I do. A lot. I didn’t think you would be into them.”

“They’re a few of our best friends, actually.

Riku: *as Sora* So if we thought their music sucked, it'd be really awkward.

But we love their music. The show at Giant stadium, they’ll be opening for us.”

Demyx: Oh snap.

Oh no, what if Kairi finds out about his drug problem?! Meanwhile, back with Roxas and Namine, what if Roxas finds out about their hooker problem?!

“I know where this is going. I get asked a lot. My sister and I are not hookers.

Marluxia: Just tramps.
Sora and Riku: *keel*

We just live at Leon’s because 4 years ago, our insane mother kicked us out. And since we pretty much have no money, we just borrow clothing from the other girls who work there.”

Demyx: And they've had no success at job-hunting for the past four years, of course.
Axel: Geez, Naga-Riku wouldn't swallow this story.
Riku: *facepunch*

“Oh. I see. We’re more alike than you think Naminé.”

Demyx: You see, Roxas is ALSO a hooker!
Riku: *facepalm* Not until the next fic.

Naminé cocked her head to the side, causing her luxurious blonde hair to spill into mid-air.

Sora: Meanwhile, Pantene Pro-V filmed it into a commercial!
Kairi: No use crying over spilled luxurious blonde hair.

“My brother and I were kicked out by our mother as well. Which is why we came here.

Marluxia: They need to start a We-Hate-Our-Mothers club.
Axel: *as Roxas* I GET TO BE PRESIDENT!
Demyx: *as Sora* NUH-UH I GET TO BE PRESIDENT!

I had been friends with Marluxia for a very long time. In a way, I’m glad it happened. I love my life. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

Demyx: *as Roxas* I've got myyyyy coke! I've got myyyyyy fame! I've got myyyyy drugs; who could ask for anything moooore!
Kairi: But does he have a pony?

Roxas picked up his guitar and began to strum a soft, melodic song.

Marluxia: For the five-hundreth time that day.

It was a peaceful song that made Naminé feel safe. That was, until her cellphone rang. The phone was a gift- no, a curse.

Sora: No--A mild inconvenience!

Leon had given it to her. It could only receive calls.

Demyx: From telemarketers!
Kairi: That IS a curse.

He called whenever he needed the girls.

Axel: *as Leon* The city's in danger, girls! Quickly, to the HOOKERMOBILE!
Kairi: Charlie was close...I could smell him.

Seeing as how she was the oldest, and knew Leon the longest, he gave it to Naminé. But it was Kairi’s as well; the two were never seen without each other. Naminé looked down at the phone not wanting to answer. She wanted this day to last forever.

Riku: Well then. Let's find this fic's Luxord.
Sora: *flips ahead* ...How about no.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Roxas asked as he strummed.

“Y-yeah.” She flipped the small phone open. “H-hello?”

Demyx: *as voice* Is your refrigerator running?
Kairi: ....Yes?
Demyx: *as voice* Then you better go CATCH IT!
Sora: Hahahahaha!
Everyone else: .....

A slightly hoarse voice answered. “Come home, right now.” There was a click followed by an obnoxious beeping noise from the other line.

Axel: Aw, she didn't even get to tell him her favorite scary movie.

Sora's got a crrrrrrrrrazy craving ~~for Honeycomb!~~

“B-but other than that, all we can do is go outside and get noticed if we have the energy.

Sora: It's a hard-knock life, for us!

We can’t do our own...”

(you need it, sora.)

Demyx: Steal Marluxia's fortune, Sora.
Axel: Kill your family, Sora.
Marluxia: Gun them down from the clock tower, Sora.
Sora: Quiet!

“S-shopping. We get mobbed the second we go outside.” He itched his forehead nervously. Where had this craving come from?

Riku: The same place all cravings come from: the stork!

He hoped she hadn’t noticed his behavior when he started to breath heavier. His mouth was dry and his lipped were chapped. He licked his lips only to find his tongue felt like that of a cat.

Demyx: We all knew that full moon transformation would kick in eventually!

“Sora, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just fine.” He darted his eyes back and forth around his room. Before Kairi could argue, Naminé burst into Sora’s room.

Axel: *as Namine* Someone in this room....IS A MURDERER!!

Kairi's about to leave...

“It does. I’ll definitely come ba-” She was cut off by Roxas’ burst through the door.

Axel: *as Roxas* OBJECTION!!!

“What’s the big idea Naminé? I don’t get a hug goodbye? I see how it is.”

Axel: *as Roxas, points* Lesbian!
Kairi: *as Namine* I don't know, it looked to me like you were busy hugging your guitar.

“Sorry. We’re in a hurry.” She said, walking over to the pasty-skinned blonde.

Marluxia: If I can arrange a private jet for all of you, why can't I arrange for you to go OUTSIDE once in awhile?
Sora: Mobs that will tear us to shreds, remember?
Marluxia: All the more reason.

She gave him a quick hug and pulled her sister out of Soras room. “Bye guys.” They called before darting down the curvy hallway.

“Weirdoes.” Roxas scoffed, in a loving way.

Demyx: Hoo-kers! There were never such devoted hoo-kers!

He turned around to find Sora already hunched over their rolling stone-covered magazine, doing a line. He rolled his eyes at his brother. “Sora, you’re worse than me now.”

Riku: At what? Badminton?

Sora looked up at Roxas with a goofy grin plastered onto his face. “I like Kairi a lot, Roxas.”

Marluxia: He'd like her more if she was made of coke, though.

Roxas shook his head, ashamed at the monster he had created.

Axel: *as Roxas* WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!!

He closed the door and whispered, “I’m so sorry Sora” Before heading to the kitchen where he would most likely find Marluxia.

In the kitchen, Demyx ate a bowl of cereal at the table, full of sugar, the one thing he did NOT need,

Sora: HA HA HA, THIS JOKE IS FUNNY.
Riku: I AM THOROUGHLY ENTERTAINED BY IT.
Demyx: Better than cereal full of coke.

as Marluxia chopped an onion on the cutting board that rested on the marble counter top.

Riku: He's chopping up the onions to put in his cereal.
All: ....Ewwwwww!

The girls walk out! Marluxia only sees part of this, and boy, is he pissed about it!

Marluxia whirled around gracefully with the knife still in his hand.

Marluxia: And gracefully stabbed Demyx in the face.
Kairi: Is that canon?
Sora: Either that or Osaka.

He shot a death glare at Roxas. “Roxas. Is there something you or Sora wants to tell me?”

Sora: *déjà vu*
Riku: It can't be the drugs this time, though!

“No, Marluxia. W-why?” He asked, slowly backing up. Marluxia may have been extremely flamboyant, but he sure was scary when he was mad.

Marluxia: *takes a red pen, scratches out the part that reads "Marluxia may have been extremely flamboyant, but"* There. Fixed that.

Marluxia took a step forward for every step Roxas took backwards.

Riku: Sora! A tango, a quickstep, or a pasa doble?
Sora: ...Quickstep!
Cid: *applause track*

“Then who were those two that just left, huh Roxie boy?”

Demyx: *as Roxas* Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum?

Demyx stopped in mid-spoonful-of-lucky-charm-lift, and watched the two with his mouth and eyes opened wide.

Sora: Quick, someone wind him up again!

“They’re just friends of Sora’s and I.”

Kairi: And they got the benefits from Linens N' Things.

“Friends or not, you can’t bee seen with them.”

Axel: Why not? It'd make a great buzz.

“And just why not?”

“They’re hookers! They are the worst thing besides drugs to be caught using.

Demyx: Wuah-wuah-wuah-WUAAA--
Marluxia: *smacks him*
Kairi: And today the part of misogynist pig will be played by: everyone!

Especially in this business.”

Riku: You can totally get away with it in politics, though.

Roxas and Sora should NEVER SEE SUCH IMMORAL TRAMPS AGAIN, so sayeth Marluxia The All-Knowing Gay Hairdresser Guy.

“But it’s better you found out sooner than later. You just can’t trust those girls. There will be more fish in the sea, Roxas.”

Axel: Which Marluxia will kick out for being, respectively, models, foreigners, too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too poor, too indie, too commercial, heiresses, occultists, et-fucking-cetera, until MARLUXIA is the only fish left in the sea.

Marluxia dug into the small pocket of his shorts and presented Roxas with a small bag of white powder. “Here, you need it.”

All: ...
Sora: ...I feel like Xaldin changed his name to Irony, got himself some new robes made entirely of pure cotton irony, scribbled "IRONY" all over his lances, and then stabbed me with all six lances made of titanium irony.

He said, with a wink and a pat on the shoulder. The show was over.

Riku: Break it up, you guys. Nothing to see here. Just your normal crappy fanfic.
Marluxia: No, fools, the show must go on!

Demyx went back to eating his Lucky Charms and Riku and Axel went back to laughing their asses off.

Riku and Axel: *do so*

Roxas looked down at the small bag in his hands and sighed. Marluxia was right; he sure did need a bump.

Marluxia: *punches Sora in the head*
Sora: OWWWWW! *rubs a bump on his head*
Marluxia: You're welcome.

He began back down the long corridor when Marluxia called after him. “Oh and Roxas, I’m making my famous baked ziti. It should be ready in about an hour.”

Axel: *swears* We have an hour to escape, sabotage, or develop the flu.
Marluxia: *glare* Are you insinuating anything in particular...?

He turned back around to his onion, muttering under his breath, “God I worry about that boy.”

Kairi: Clearly, Marluxia better help the boy out by GETTING HIM MORE DRUGS.

Roxas felt the sting of tears and his mouth go dry. He would have to talk to Naminé still. He really enjoyed her company. Now, how to break the news to Sora? That would best be decided over a nice bump of coke. He decided, quickening his pace down the hall.

Riku: *as Roxas* Sora. I have this great plan.
Sora: What?
Riku: *as Roxas* Use the FLYING MONKEYS to see Kairi. Dude. ::sage nod::
Sora: How does that work?
Riku: *as Roxas* I dunno.

Naminé timidly knocked on the door to their apartment.

Kairi: Why is she knocking on the door to her own apartment?

A very angry, very drunk Leon answered, grabbing both girls violently by their shoulders and pulled them in.

Marluxia: Forget to make him dinner, I bet.

Two "old men" await them: Luxord and Xigbar!

The men on the couch smirked at them, trying to be seductive.

Kairi: She makes it sound so difficult for Luxord.
All: ...
Kairi: ....I'm just saying!

The man known as Luxord was a blonde with some facial hair. Xigbar was a man with grey and black hair pulled back into a ponytail. He had an eye patch and a scar on his face. Leon continued. “And these men are very very rich.

Sora: O RLY?
Axel: *stretches* You think we sicced those Nobodies on Heartless for nothing?
All: ............

And tonight, you are all theirs. Have fun.

Demyx: *waves* And send us a postcard!

You know where to take them.” He turned to the men. “Take your pick boys.” Leon threw himself backwards onto the other leather couch, and drifted to sleep.

Riku: Well, someone's a poor host.

Xigbar and Luxord negotiated before taking their pick.

Axel: *as Luxord* I choose you, Kairipuff!
Sora: If this degenerates into one of those "Orgymon" comics, I'm going Master Form on you all.
Axel: Pokemon Master-form?

Xigbar pointed to Kairi. “I want you, now show me where we go.”

Kairi: I'll show you how to get, how to get to Sesame Street!

He grabbed Kairi’s hand and squeezed it hard, making Kairi slightly yelp in pain. She led him down the hall, with a very bad feeling.

Sora: --About this.
Demyx: So who's the very bad feeling going to sleep with?

This is a clean establishment, dammit! Buuuut...

“Condoms and what have you. We’re clean here; we don’t do anything without a condom.”

Riku: Employees must wash their hands after every buttfuck!

She said as she began to unbutton her skirt with her back turned to him.

“I beg to differ.” Xigbar said.

“Well then I’m sorry but you’re going to have to-” Kairi turned around in mid sentence to find that Xigbar held a gun in his hand.

Axel: *as Xigbar* You'll take your STDs and you'll LIKE them, dammit!
Riku: ALL RIGHT people, place your bets now! AIDS, or pregnancy?
Demyx: I'll put ten munny on AIDS.
Marluxia: My munny's on pregnancy.
Demyx: You're on!

“I’m going to have to what?”

Riku: Tell it to the judge?
Axel: Hopefully not in Philly.

Kairi stood there like a deer in headlights.

Sora: BAMBI, NO!

“That’s what I thought. You won’t make a sound, while I do what I want.

Marluxia: A mime fetish, hunh?
Axel: I've seen worse.

It would be such a shame to have to put some lead in that pretty little head of yours.”

Demyx: But then he'd have to pay Leon thousands in property damage fees!
Riku: Filthy rich, remember?

He said as he pulled down one of the straps of her spaghetti string tank top. “Now, be a good little girl and we can have a lot of fun tonight.”

Marluxia: *as Xigbar* And by we, I of course mean me.
Kairi: No chance of V swooping in to kill the pedo, right?
Axel: Look at it this way--it's your first rape scene! Now you're REALLY part of the group!
Kairi: Delightful. *slurps coke*

Kairi laid in the small guest bed alone, beaten, battered, and bawling.

Kairi: Luckily, onomatopoeia will save me!
Demyx: And bowling!
Axel: Boxing?
Kairi: You're just beating a dead horse.

It had been that way for almost 3 hours, since Xigbar had left with his friend, Luxord.

Axel: To have gay sex in the alley behind the penthouse apartment.

Kairi had never felt more ashamed in her life. She had been raped at gunpoint, to put it simply.

Marluxia: Ashamed for something that's not her fault. What a good girl.
Kairi: *glare*
Demyx: Not that we saw it or anything.
Axel: That's always the way it is in fanfic. You get the horrid graphic details with yaoi, but het authors are too chicken to cough up the goods.

And when she didn’t comply with his demands, he would beat her with the handgun.

Axel: Hey, it's not fair of Xigbar to expect she can safely inflate into a balloon-like Kairi many times her size!
Kairi: .......

Her face and body was a mess of scattered bruises. She wondered if Naminé was okay and if she suffered the same ordeal.

Riku: *shakes titular eight-ball* "All Signs Point To Yes."

She hadn’t seen or heard from her sister all morning.

Sora: Wait...morning? Evening? Three hours ago? *counting on hands*
Riku: A Manhattan minute must be only ten seconds long.

Naminé however was perfectly fine. The worst she had suffered was the severe discomfort that creepy man named Luxord had put her through.

Demyx: The inside of the fursuit was probably reeeeeally scratchy.

She sat in the huge bed nervously biting her nails awaiting her sister’s appearance. She was too afraid to go check on her sister. Her lips and fingers quivered as she bit her nails.

Sora: Do you think we should assume she's biting her nails?
Riku: I don't know, it could be that she's just sucking her fingers. But I think there's a good 60% chance that she's biting her nails.

Namine rushes to the bedroom when she hears Kairi crying!

Naminé hesitantly opened the door to reveal the beaten Kairi. “Oh my god Kairi! What the fuck happened?”

Kairi: If I say, "I fell down the stairs," I'm quitting this sporking now.
All: That's fair.

Kairi’s lips trembled, before she went into a full-fledged sobbing fit.

Kairi: The previous three-hour-wailing was just a warmup.

“I w-was r-r-raped.” She managed to choke out in sobs.

Naminé’s eyes thinned. “I’m going to kill that bastard.” She snarled. Sure, the girls may have fought with each other, but nobody messed with her little sister.

Demyx: Oh no, what's she gonna do, crayon him to death?
Marluxia: I believe Saix would have a very appropriate quote for this occasion.
Sora and Riku: *deathglare*

Kairi shook her head. “He’s taken off. He and the other guy left for Vegas or somewhere to go gamble. He told me so.”

Axel: Yeah sure, he's just sitting there making her take it up the ass, while saying, "So what're you doing this weekend? Luxord and I are hitting the slots, cha-ching!"
Demyx: Why Vegas? Atlantic City is closer.

“That’s what his friend told me. But, we don’t know how true that is.”

Sora: In three hours? Why, they could be all the way to Atlantica, for all they know!

She sighed. “God. How could this have happened Kairi?”

Marluxia: A patriarchal rape culture that views a constructed female body as a form of property and intercourse as a means of demonstrating ownership and gaining status in a male-dominated hierarchy?
Axel: I bet they'll say "short skirts."

Kairi wiped the tears off her cheeks and shook her head. “Naminé, how could anything we’ve been through happened? I thought Leon was your friend. Now the asshole beats us and exploits us.”

Riku: And NONE OF US SAW THIS COMING.

Her voice cracked, causing her to stop.

Demyx: HAMMER TIME!

“I-I thought he was too Kairi. But this is the only place we have to stay. We could die if we don’t keep this up.”

Axel: When in doubt, bring suit! It's the American way.
Demyx: And they have a case, too.

“Naminé, at this point I’d rather be dead. That man didn’t even use a condom!”

Sora: DUH DUH DUUUUUUUN.
Riku: She could be bleeding internally and she's worried about the lack of a condom?
Axel: She also knows it'll either be AIDS or pregnancy.

Naminé’s mouth flew open. “Oh-oh my god Kairi.”

“I kicked him away right before he… you know. So there isn’t that much of a chance of being pregnant.

Riku: Yep. Definitely pregnancy.
Marluxia: Kicked him where? In the 'nads?

But that’s the reason I got most of my bruises.”

“Bruises go away. Kids don’t.”

Axel: They do if you visit certain doctors that I'm sure Marluxia is good friends with.
Sora, Riku and Kairi: *horror!*

Meanwhile, Tifa in the next room over overhears their entire conversation!

She thought back to her best friend Aerith’s unfortunate rape case.

Demyx: As opposed to the fortunate one the month before.
Riku: Wait, who? I thought this was Aerith doing the expositing.
Axel: Ah! Tifa!
Marluxia: So, Aerith IS a prostitute? Because I was getting some serious impressions in the first game, I tell you.

She had worked here long before the girls had arrived. Laid to rest only a short time after their arrival.

Marluxia: In the special hooker cemetery on the tenth floor of this robot-run penthouse apartment.
Demyx: So, Sephiroth raped her. With his sword. In her chest.

She had survived the rape, but not the mental trauma that had come with it. It was Cloud who watched her jump out of the 17th floor window.

Sora: Being a window-washer on duty and all.

It was Cloud who had never been the same person again. Ever since then he had been distant and angry always promising to seek revenge on the man. Excluding the fact that all he knew about the guy was that he was tall, muscular, and had very long silver hair.

Riku: Wow, guys! It's an allusion to Final Fantasy 7, and it's VERY CLEVER.
Kairi: Well maybe she's talking about Yazoo.

Lately he had been better. The girls reminded him so much of younger versions of Aerith. They shared her innocence he said.

Marluxia: And our designer's inability to create unique character designs!

She heard Naminé leave the room and walk down the hall. Sighing, she set down the bed’s comforter in a perfect position and made her way over to the room the redhead sulked in.

She knocked gently on the door. “Kairi, It’s me Tifa. May I come in?”

Kairi, still wrapped in the blanket quietly squeaked, “Sure.”

Sora: Now Kairi gets the "cute squeaking!"
Axel: Awwww, wook at the adowable wape victim.

They will go bring their sob story to Leon! Surely, he will care!

Cloud and I, Cloud especially, just wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of anything more severe sprouting from this.

Marluxia: Like pressed charges.

If you ever need to talk, we’re always here.”

Axel: Guns and boots may break her bones, but words will make them better!

Kairi’s lip trembled as she nodded her head. Tifa took notice of this and hugged Kairi in a way she had never experienced before. It was a motherly hug. She smiled, feeling an inner peace and that maybe everything would be okay.

Riku: *shakes the titular eight-ball once again* "Don't count on it."

“If you don’t want me to tell Cloud about this, I won’t.” Tifa said, pulling away.

“You can. We were going to tell Leon about it as soon as Naminé came back with my clothes and I got dressed. You wouldn’t happen to know if he was sober, would you?”

“Kairi, you’re in luck. Not only is he sober, Cloud made breakfast.

Axel: And there's a fifty-fifty chance they're not burned!

I’ll go with you girls to the table and we can sit down with Leon and Cloud.”

Demyx: And I said, what about breakfast at Leony's?

Kairi’s face brightened. Clouds cooking could make anyone happy. He was an amazing cook.

Sora: He could make a box of mac and cheese in under ten minutes and everything!

We very suddenly switch scenes.

Tifa stood up and followed the blonde out into the hall, shutting the door behind her, winking at the redhead.

Axel: ....Why couldn't there have been Tifa/Kairi healingsex, again?

Kairi sighed. Every part of her body was sore. It was going to be a long day.

Demyx: It's been a hard day's night, after all! She should be sleeping like a log!

The sun beat in through the 11th floor window and onto Roxas who was lying with only his torso on his bed.

Riku: His feet were in their usual spot, by the window.
Sora: However, his arms had decided to sleep in the sink last night.

His legs lay feeling paralyzed on the dark-blue carpeted floor while his head rested lazily on the powder covered magazine on the bed.

Sora: Oh great, he snorted himself into paralysis.

Last night had been a blur. All he remembered was a conversation with Marluxia.

Axel: Leaving him pondering what that bitter taste in his mouth was and why his ass was so sore.

A loud conversation at that, that resulted in Marluxia giving Roxas a bump.

Riku: ...In the night.

It must have upset him a lot for Marluxia to have given him enough coke to knock him out.

Demyx: So, he told him the Linens' N Things curtains were tacky?

Think Roxas, Think. You know it was important. Suddenly it his hit like a ton of bricks.

Sora: *as Roxas* I LEFT MY CAR LIGHTS ON!
Axel: His own hit hit him? Damn.

Sora stumbles in, drunk off his ass.

Sora lay in a deep slumber with a peaceful look on his face and a bottle of the world’s greatest whiskey in his hand.

Riku: Oh, Jack Daniels paid her to say that.

Roxas sighed, realizing his peace would soon be disturbed. But wasn’t it always disturbed? Hadn’t it been that way ever since I introduced him to this new life? He shook his head as if to shake the thought out of his mind. He called Sora’s name as he tapped him gently. “Sodaa. Wake up, Soda.”

Demyx: WAIT, I get it! He had a rum and coke! They go PERFECTLY together!
Marluxia: *scythe bitchslap*

When Sora began to stir, his hand that was holding the whiskey tilted forward, spilling some onto Sora’s crotch area and down his leg a bit.

Nobodies: *cheer!*

“Aww shit!” He yelled.

“Good morning to you too, Soda.” Roxas said with a chuckle.

Kairi: Just a Dr Pepper for breakfast, honey?

Sora gave the blonde a nasty look. After all, he just wasted about 1/8th of the bottle. Any Jack Daniels fan knows that’s just a crime.

Marluxia: And anyone with tastebuds knows Jack Daniels fans drink pisswater.

“What do you want?”

Riku: *as Roxas* To know my enemy.

Roxas bit his lip, unsure of how to spring it on his brother. He was already in a bad mood.

Kairi: Clearly he just needs to get sober and then have Cloud make him breakfast.

“Sora, we have to talk.” Roxas said sitting on the edge of the bed which inevitably was the exact spot some whiskey had spilled. He cringed, but did not move.

Kairi: Jack Daniels: Whiskey...or superglue?

It would only make the stain bigger and it wouldn’t dry anyhow.

Sora: ...How does whiskey not dry?
Riku: Maybe if Roxas didn't keep his air conditioner at subzero temperatures, it'd dry.

“Bout what?” Sora asked before taking an early morning swig from the large glass bottle.

“About Kairi and Naminé.”

“What about them?”

Demyx: *as Roxas* Space aliens from Betelgeuse.
Axel: *as Sora* ...Sounds hot.

“They lied to us. They’re hookers.”

Axel: *as Sora* SCORE!

Sora looked at Roxas for a while before bursting out into laughter. “You’re a funny one Roxas.” He took a large gulp of the potent drink.

“I’m not Sora.

Axel: *as Roxas* I'm Roxas!
Sora: NO, I'm Sora.
Demyx: Roxas, come back to us!
Sora: Did he just call me Roxas?
Marluxia: You really shouldn't have betrayed us, Roxas.
Sora: That's really getting old!

Marluxia told me last night. I wanted to tell you first because Marluxia told me a bit harshly for my liking.”

Marluxia: With pain. *pleased*

And Marluxia knows everything, duh!

“He deals K to him a lot.” Sora mocked. “Well then that just makes them bestest buddies, huh? Lifelong pals who share all secrets, yeah?”

Axel: What do you think he deals the K for, eh?
Marluxia: No dice. Too clearly homosexual in this fic.

“Sora, please.”

“Sora please my ass.”

Sora: I thought this was hetero fic.

He drank the remainder of the bottle and threw it across the room causing it to shatter into a million little pieces.

Riku: Roxas's pet stereo suffered injuries from shrapnel!
Sora: Oh great, now I'm going to go to Jack Daniels prison for manslaughter of a Jack Daniels bottle.

(that wasn’t the only thing that shattered into a million little pieces.)

Sora: Oh great again, a Jack Daniels bottle is symbolic of my hopes and dreams.
Kairi: Next week, on the Lifetime network...

His lip trembled. He didn’t want to believe it. But deep down inside there was a voice screaming at him.

Demyx: *as inner voice* QUIT WHINING AND GO TO THAT NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS MEETING ALREADY.

Oh, poor crushed Sora. Meanwhile, back in hookerland...

Cloud could only shake his head in disbelief. It had happened again, right under his nose too. He met the men before they had gone to the bedrooms. Yet he didn’t catch on.

Kairi: Next chapter, it'll reveal that this is because he's a self-absorbed moron.

Luckily, Kairi was a strong girl who had already been though a lot. She seemed to handle it much better than Aerith had. Cloud sighed. “I can’t believe this. I met the guy and all. Never suspected a thing.”

Riku: *as Cloud* His creepy demeanor and constant fiddling with his gun meant nothing to me!

“Cloud, don’t blame yourself. There was no possible way you could have known.” Kairi reasoned.

The elder blonde that sat at the long table turned to the male brunette. “Leon, you haven’t said a word. What are your thoughts on it?”

Axel: *as Leon* Well, I suppose yaoi is fun for the kids in theory, but with Cloud every other story? What's up with that? We had only two scenes or so together, and only one of them was vaguely subtexty. Although I have to admit, I'm glad I'm a brunette, otherwise I'd probably be like Cloud and be getting the short end of the deal. Not that it doesn't suck either way.
Sora: That...he wasn't...never mind.

Leon shrugged. “What is there to think about? Or say? I certainly can’t do anything about it. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. That’s very bad for business.”

Kairi: So, we can put the Badfic Justice System in the same league as Badfic Doctors and Badfic Police?

Kairi felt like she just got punched. She realized now, Naminé and herself were just tools to Leon.

Marluxia: This fanfic sure is full of bright, sharp people.
Kairi: We've been demoted from servants of the world.

Just like Aerith had been. He didn’t even care that she died. Just that she was gone and not making as much money as he could have been. Meanwhile, he already had tons. But of course, it wasn’t enough. Naminé turned to her, with a hint of fear in her eyes.

Axel: Just poison his spaghetti and steal his fortune! They must've learned something from Larxene the bitchmom.

The girls turned their attention back to Cloud when he started talking again. It was almost like a growl. “Leon, how could you say that? I respect what you do,

Riku: .....Annnnd there goes the sympathy for Cloud. Out the window. Zip.

but that’s just harsh. Even if you wouldn’t do it, do you have to say it to their faces? Leon, they are humans! They have feelings.”

Axel: No they're nooot. Buy 'em a pink dress and some nail polish, they'll get over it!
Sora: *kick* Apply thicker sarcasm, please.

Cloud roared as Tifa bit her lip.

Leon remained in his seat seeming unaffected. “Cloud, it’s only because you’re my best friend and a great cook that I don’t dare kick you out.

Marluxia: But mostly it's because he's a great cook.
Kairi: *ponder* You know...does Cloud have a job in this establishment?

You have to understand I run a business. A very successful one at that and I’d like to keep it that way. Sometimes terrible things like that happen in this business. If they can’t handle it, then they shouldn’t be in this business.”

Kairi: Nice, coming from someone who only takes the money.

“Leon! We have no choice!” Naminé screamed, shooting up from her chair.

Sora: *makes rocket noise* PSSSHHOOOOOOOOOOOM!

“Of course you do girls. Why, I’m giving you the option right now. If you want out, then sure. Only catch is, you have to be out of here by tomorrow.”

Demyx: But, if they quit, they can move in with their new boyfriends and Marluxia can't stop them because they're not hookers!
Sora: You and your Earth Logic.

Naminé sat back down, defeated. Her lips quivered and her body trembled. They had finally hit rock bottom.

Axel: Nothing left to do except break out the shovels and picks, and start digging!

Tifa got up from the table, too infuriated to speak. And if she did say what was on her mind at the moment, she wouldn’t even have the option of leaving. She’d be out on the street by the time the sun was down, no matter how Cloud would plead.

Demyx: Annnnd Cloud doesn't let her move in with him because......
Riku: Earth logic again!

Cloud looked at his “friend” but only saw a monster.

Axel: Cthulhu?
Marluxia: We are never that lucky.
Axel: Drat.

He followed Tifa’s example and removed himself from the table. He smiled sympathetically at the girls as he walked past the table on his way to the sink. Leon put his always boot-clad feet up on the table and popped a cigarette in his mouth. The girls could only look at him in disgust before removing themselves from the table as well.

Demyx: *as Leon* At last, I am the king of the table!
Marluxia: *looks at script* Thank darkness, I think this is where we're stopping.
Kairi: *slumps* Not a moment too soon.
Sora: I think I've come to a conclusion about this particular fanfic.
Axel: That ultimately, parents are evil, police are nonexistent, robots run Manhattan, drugs make your life worth living and no one cares about YOUR needs?
Sora: ...That the author got the idea for this fic from Linens N' Things.

"Badfic unclear, try again"... PART THREE

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 17:13:44 GMT

-------------------------

Title: 2 Hookers and an 8 Ball (With a title like that, you know it's a winner!)
Author: acquired.minds
Rating: One for burn-your-eyes-out stereotypes, one for unnecessary drama, one for the killer OOC, and one for a healthy dose of whatthefuckery. The shorter length and lack of bad porn keep this from a full five or an Ansem, respectively.

Check earlier or the tags section for earlier posts. Otherwise, onward we go with four and five!

Sample:

In chapter four, it's four years later!

A short, skinny black haired girl squealed as the magazine stand vendor handed her a Rolling Stone magazine with her favourite band on the cover.

Marluxia: He gave her the magazine for free just so she'd stop squealing and leave him the hell alone.

The vendor looked at her like she was an escaped mental patient as he put the money she had given him into the cash register.

Riku: That's the worst he has to deal with all day? He should be so lucky.
Sora: Nope, she paid.
Axel: Meanwhile, the newspaper right next to him bears the headline: SHORT BLACK SKINNY GIRL ESCAPES FROM MENTAL WARD.

Her best friend stood, well danced next to her.

Demyx: *as friend* I've gotta gooooooo!

Hopping from foot to foot screaming, “Yuffie, Lemme, see, Lemme see, I wanna see, Yuffie, I wanna See!"

Marluxia: To See, you must open your own damn Inner Eye.

Selphie finally snatches the magazine away to drool herself.

She looked into the beautiful printed version of her crushes blue eyes and brushed his spiky dark chocolate brown hair with her nose.

Axel: Nothing as sexy as snotty hair.

She did her dance again.

Demyx: Miya-HEE! Miya-HOOH! Miya-HAAA! Miya-HA-HAAA!

He looked amazing. “Come on Selph, lets go get ice-cream. And get home. It’s really late.”

Marluxia: *as Yuffie* We need to hurry or else we'll miss our parents beating us bloody then kicking us out of the house for getting anything less than a B+ in algebra.

Yuffie dragged her friend to the nearest stand. Yuffie was a HUGE Manhattan food-stand junkie, yet she was as the width of a toothpick.

All: ...
Sora: I don't like how familiar that sounds.
Axel: So SHE'S got a portrait in Dorian Gray's attic, too!

Selphie stared into his eyes again, resulting in her walking headfirst right into a light-pole causing a major headache.

Marluxia: Had she any brain cells to begin with, this might have been a major loss.

She wasn’t the only one staring into those ocean blue eyes with a headache.

Demyx: Someone better give those eyes an aspirin.

On the other side of Manhattan in a huge apartment building, a young man of about 20 stared into those eyes, snorting the powder that covered the picture with a dollar bill.

Kairi: It covers the picture AND a dollar bill?
Axel: Keith Richards, is that you?

He sat up when he was done with the line.

Demyx: Just one more and his crocheted scarf would be done!

It was weird snorting coke on a printed version of his own face.

Marluxia: As opposed to the asses of hookers, if I recall correctly.

He sniffled and ran a hand through his dark hair. It made him remember that his hair wasn’t naturally that dark. It really had more of a copper undertone that he never liked. But Marluxia took care of that for him.

Marluxia: I just lopped off that head for you and gave you a new one!
Sora: ...*scoots away*

Marluxia worked miracles for people when it came to hair.

Riku: Pioneered the field of Faith Hair Restoration.
Sora: Deliver us from male-pattern balding!

Maybe that’s why he was so rich. Then he had a craving for more coke and remembered. Oh yeah, he’s one of the biggest drug dealers in the city.

Riku: So apparently Sora exposits story that we already know when he's high.
Sora: As if I needed any more reasons to stay away from drugs!

Boy, the life of a famous rock star sure is tough!

He sat back up on the bed, feeling too energetic to sleep, but too lazy to get up. The only light in the room was that of the moons light from outside. In the moonlight, you could see how pale Sora really was.

Riku: Hey, someone other than me!

It also brought out the thick dark circles that surrounded his eyes.

Sora: Oh, so I'm in Halloween Town.
Marluxia: No, it's just what your stupid teenage girls find attractive nowadays.
Sora: I like my idea better.

It was all due to the coke.

Demyx: But the Dr Pepper had a hand in it, too!

He had been hooked on it for about four years. Roxas introduced him to it two days after they had moved in with Marluxia. It made him feel great. Sometimes, it made him hyper. Other times,

Kairi: The authors just skipped on the whole coke excuse and wrote Sora that way, anyway.
Sora: *groan*

it made him feel mellow and made him think about deep things.

Demyx: The new kind of coke: Ecstacid!

Since then, Roxas had cut back but Sora only got worse.

Sora: Why does ROXAS get off easy?
Axel: Remember kids: you can CHOOSE whether or not you've got an addiction!

He flipped through the magazine, not finding anything too interesting. Except for on the last page, there was an ad for some underground clothing company.

Kairi: And it was two inches by three inches in black and white, text only, because they're an underground company and this is Rolling Stone?

The model was a pale blonde in somewhat, small clothes.

Marluxia: Well, which is it?

She looked vaguely familiar yet, he couldn’t put his finger on it. The coke must have been blocking it from his mind. He wanted so badly to know who this girl was.

Marluxia: Because she owed him munny.

Suddenly, it struck him.

Demyx: Well, that must've hurt!

She lived in the building with her gorgeous sister. They were popular girls around his group of people, but he never really spoke to them.

Axel: He was a gothic-emo-rebel-special-little-snowflake like that.

Really he only wanted to talk to the redhead sister, for Roxas had his eye on the blonde.

Kairi: Well, glad we've got our pairings squared away for the rest of the fic! That was easy.
Riku: Why is this starting to remind me of 'Rear Window'?

By the way, Sora got a piano for his birthday.

She had been taking shots of almost everything she passed.

Demyx: She takes a whiskey drink, she takes a vodka drink, she takes a lager drink, she takes a cider drink...

But, to her it was probably just another party. Friends of friends of friends of Sora’s had been invited,

Sora: Wow, I always did want to meet Mulan's grandmother's hairdresser!

it was chaotic. The whole thing had ended when a pair of crazy fans had been let in, ruining the party with their high pitched wails of “Sora, marry me. I love you Sora. Blahblahblah.”

Marluxia: The ones catcalling Axel and Roxas were permitted to stay.

Love was something the brunette had never been interested in, although he did feel something about that redhead. It wasn’t love.

Riku: It was just plain old boring lust.

But whatever it was, he couldn’t shake it for the life of him. He sat down on the black bench before the piano, and lifted the matching black notebook that rested on the keys.

Axel: All of a sudden, Ryuk showed up and started demanding apples!
Sora: *jump!*

He opened the book to reveal almost all the lyrics he had ever written.

Marluxia: So that's why their albums are all dead.

He turned to the back part, the part where he kept his love lyrics.

Demyx: Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs!
Sora: What's wrong with that, I'd like to know?
Kairi: 'Cause here I go...
All: AGAAAAAAIN!

He was a very organized lyricist.

Demyx: NO. SUCH. THING.

He wrote down one simple phrase on a clean, fresh sheet. “The pictures you took have already captured me.”

Axel: Pokemon Snap crossover--start!

Nothing he ever started off writing ever stayed in that order. In due time, the sentence would be spilt in two.

Riku: Then it would divide into four, then eight, until a whole colony was spawned.
Marluxia: *Jacques Costeau* The two dependent clauses, not meant to exist outside of the group, would soon find themselves prey of the grammarians--unless one could find shelter for as long as it took to regenerate an independent clause.

Either parts on opposite sides of the song.

(in due time?)

He wanted to get to know her.

Demyx: Getting to knoooow you, getting to know all about you...

She inspired him, without even knowing her. The possibilities of songwriting if he did know her would be endless.

Riku: Such as "Ode To His Coy Mistress's Intestinal Mesentery, Movement #50."
Marluxia: But without fail, they will all be titled "Simple and Clean" or "Passion."

But whenever he would go to say hi, the simple, two-letter word refused to come out.

Demyx: Instead, it was just DUHHHH DURRRR DUH DUUUH

It was true, even huge rockstars got flustered sometimes.

Axel: No shit!

Cid: Okay, that's your allotment for this chapter!

Sora is already conveniently good at the piano!

He looked over to the digital clock it read 12:49 am in its obnoxious red lighting. The light hurt his eyes, so he focused his attention out his window; noticing a full moon peeking over the distant Manhattan skyscrapers.

Riku: And then--he began to transform!

He sat on the windowsill and wondered what that girl could be doing.

Demyx: SOOOOOMEWHEEEEEERE OOOOOOOOUT THEEEEEERE, WHE--
Three different people: *fling their sodas at him*

Even though address wise, they were only separated by a few floors she could’ve been anywhere in the concrete jungle.

Demyx: Post-it note. On the door. Not that difficult.

Hell, here was a guy who could have any girl he wanted at a snap of his fingers, yet the one girl that interested him in the least was a complete mystery to him.

Kairi: Well, I've never seen that one before. *rolls eyes*

He sighed before standing up in the windowsill. Any wrong move, and the worlds biggest rock star would be doing a face plant on the street below him.

Nobodies: JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP
Riku: And we've never seen this one before, either.
Sora: ...I feel like this fic just became "Almost Famous."

“Where are you?” He screamed. The scream made him lose his balance, but luckily he fell backwards, into his room.

Nobodies: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

With one foot still propped up on the window sill and Mindless Self Indulgence’s “Bitches” blasting from Roxas’ room, the barely conscious brunette fell asleep on the floor.

Sora: That band's come back to haunt us again!
Axel: At least I'm not singing along this time.

Mere floors below, Kairi hears the noise, but ignores it! Oh by the way, they're hookers now.

She pulled a ivory antique like chair over to the window

Axel: Nine elephants and three rhinos were killed in the making of this chair.
Marluxia: Only to be purchased by Leon at Linens n' Things.

and sat with her arms and head resting on the windowsill. And for the first time since they had moved in, she thought of how she and Naminé used to be. She wondered how Leon possibly could’ve turned the two from goody-two shoes into… well, hookers to be blunt.

Demyx: Application of socio-economic pressures and control under the backing of a patriarchal capitalist hierarchy that enforces a sex class and devaluation of the private/public female body?
All: ........................*stare*

Leon was a very persuasive person.

Axel: Graduated top of his class at the Jim Jones University of Greater Persuasion!

But what he had done to these girls could have even been something as extreme as brainwashing. Kairi shrugged it off.

Axel: Brainwashing? No big!
Kairi: I have a bright future as a conservative pundit.

Sure, there would never be a special first time for the girls but she liked it that way so long as they didn’t have to live in that hellhole with their mother.

Marluxia: Who, by this point, has probably already choked to death in a pile of her own vomit.
All: ....Ewwwww.

She wasn’t exactly sure how Naminé felt about the whole thing.

Riku: Asking her would've been too easy.

And she had never really asked.

Riku: See?

Although they were only on the 17th floor, looking down at the sleepless streets of the city made her feel as though she were suspended from the top floor of the Empire State building.

Sora: ...Screaming 'help, help!' as Axel twirled his mustache.

Namine comes back in! Where was she, anyway?

“Out.”

Kairi: And about!

“But you’re in your nightgown.”

Sora: *as Namine* With the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet To Come.

“Yes. So? I said out. But I didn’t say outside. By out, I meant out of the room.”

Demyx: She means out of sight, out of mind!

“Stop playing games.”

Riku: *as Namine* But just a few more stamps and I'll get Park Place at McDonald's Monopoly!

“To put it simply, Leon has a really cute friend over. Happy now Kairi?”

Axel: Oh, sure, how often are the clients really that cute.

“That’s all you have to say.” There was a pause. “What’s this name?”

“I don’t remember. Titan I think.”

Marluxia: Ice or Rock?
All: *cross legs*

“You don’t remember. That’s great Naminé.”

Sora: In her defense, I don't think the titans have names so much as primaeval utterances titling them as eldritch beings beyond mortal comprehension.

“Oh, shut up like you can talk, Kairi. You take in more guys than I do.”

“At least I know their names.”

Kairi: There was Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen! Also...Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen!

The two discuss how Sora and Roxas are soooo hawt on the cover of Rolling Stone. Namine has invited Kairi over to meet the boys tomorrow! Gee whilikers!

It's chapter five, rise and shine, Kairi!

Naminé hummed her way from the bedroom door over to the bed Kairi still laid motionless in.

Sora: It's...HoverNamine!

She set the tray in her hands down on the chair at the foot of the bed. The blonde had been up for a while getting ready and fixing a little something to eat for Kairi and herself. Knowing Kairi wouldn’t be ready to get her own food, let alone do so much as open her eyes, she brought and made her food, and even put together an outfit for her.

Riku: Sheesh, Namine does all the work around here!
Marluxia: What else is she good for?
Sora: *smacks*

“Man I am good.” Naminé huffed. She quietly walked over to the side of the bed her little sister slept on. “Kairi wake up.” She cooed as she gently rocked the girl. “Oh sleeping beauty, wake up.”

Kairi: I'm already a Princess of Heart, I don't need to be stealing the title from the others!

“MughuughSora.” Was all Naminé could get.

Axel: Mug Sora?
Sora: No, hug Sora!
Riku: Which will in time Pokevolve to MughSora, and then--doot doo-doo doot doot doodoot!--Sora!

“Oh, Sora? Yeah, if you want to see him you’ll have to wake up.”

Axel: And it was only then that she realized IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
Sora, Riku and Kairi: *hurt him*

Kairi’s eyelids fluttered open to see Naminé peering at her about 2 inches from her face.

Axel: *as Namine* I SEE YOUR SOUL, KAIRI.

“Woah! You scared me.”

“Well good morning to you too.”

“Sorry. Good morning Naminé”

Naminé smiled. “Your breakfast is on the chair right there and your outfit is hanging up in our bathroom.”

Marluxia: What? She's letting her dress herself?

“Aw, you really are good for something.” Kairi said as she lazily slid out of the huge bed only to take the tray and slide back in.

Demyx: *as Kairi* Ah yes. There's the large carpet in the main hall. CLEAN IT. And the windows, upstairs and down. WASH THEM.

“Shut up and don’t make a mess. That’s how you get cockroaches.

Sora: And that'll give you...er, bees.
Riku: She makes them sound like an STD.
Axel: Well she'd know all about that, then.

Anyway, I woke up really excited and energetic. And also, at 7 am.

Axel: And also, on the moon.
Demyx: And also, with a spoon!

So I had the time. I already asked Leon if we could go out. He said that since we’ve been doing so well with business, we could take a day off.”

Demyx: Wow, they get paid holidays with this prostitution gig?
Marluxia: Full health and dental, too.

“He must have been in a really really good mood. Maybe I should tell you we’re going to see Roxas every day.”

Kairi: Because this will surely improve his good mood and make our lives all the easier!

“Maybe you shouldn’t.” There was a pause “So, are you excited?”

“For what?” Kairi asked with her mouth full of French Toast.

Riku: Bruins vs. Trojans! I know I'm pumped!

To see Sora, of course! And speaking of...

The bright rays of sunshine beamed in through the Manhattan window where a foot idly rested.

Marluxia: It seemed almost peaceful next to the bloody and dismembered body close by.
Demyx: Bathed in talcum powder, it leisurely scratched a corn and pondered what shoe to wear.

The person who owned the foot was still passed out on the floor from a late night “snack”.

Riku: Always remember to put your feet back in the cupboard when you're done with them!
Sora: Otherwise, they're liable to grow stale and flake.
Demyx: Never anger a nesting fruitcake, for they're vicious when cornered.

The bright light caused the young man’s lids to flutter briefly before opening wide. “Shit.” He moaned groggily, making a pathetic attempt at throwing his forearm over his eyes.

Kairi: But the nearest forearms were too busy discussing last night's episode of 'Heroes' with the foot.

All of this came before he realized his sunlight exposed foot, for god only knows how long, felt as if it was on fire.

Kairi: Next he'll forget his head and leave it lying on the pillows.

“Jesus motherfuck.”

Axel: *as person* Someone left that hole in the ozone on again!

He shrieked along with a few more random curses.

Riku: Poppycock!
Kairi: Fiddlesticks!
Sora: POOPY!

He sat on the bed nurturing his red foot.

Demyx: I don't know, I prescribe more to the idea that it's nature that makes a foot what it is.

Roxas enters! Sora better hurry, because Kairi and Namine are coming over!

But really, she is coming over. I suggest you start to get ready now.”

Demyx: *as Roxas* By the way, I made some french toast for you and your foot.

“Uh. H-how much time do I have?”

“Well, they did just call up here to tell me they were leaving their apartment. So I’d say, you have the time it takes to get from the 17th floor to the 11th floor by elevator.”

Demyx: Which is plenty of time to fight a long tournament, catch rare monsters, go fishing, explore gigantic dungeons, and defeat a god.

Sora stared at Roxas, wasting his precious and crucial time.

Riku: This double date has become...SUDDENNNNNNN DEATH.

He could slaughter Roxas where he stood.

“Sora, don’t just stare at me. I know I can’t help that I’m the best looking brother and bandmate, but I’m your brother and that’s disgusting.”

Axel: Three out of five fangirls disagree!

Roxas joked, closing the door in just enough time to miss Sora’s failed attempt at pouncing on the blonde.

Riku: He took the fangirls' advice!

Naminé stopped in front of the door with the panel on it that read 11A. “Now Kairi, whatever you do, do not let him know our.. job.

Marluxia: He doesn't know already? I thought that's why he liked her.
Sora: *punch*

It’s not the most respectable job in the world.”

Axel: Gotta admit, though, it's better than Secretary of Defense.

“I know, I won’t. But what if I’m asked about Leon’s?

Demyx: Leon's what?
Riku: His foot. I hear it's running a munny laundering service.

There are rumors swirling all over the place about it.”

Axel: *stage whisper, to Demyx* Does she honestly expect us to believe a group of rock stars don't know about a slew of prostitutes living within two hundred feet of them?

“Say it is, and that we just live there because Leon and I are close. It’s as simple as that.”

Riku: Which will absolutely NOT sink Roxas's interest in her!
Marluxia: For how much they supposedly like these boys, they sure do take them for complete morons.

She said before knocking obnoxiously on the wooden door.

Demyx: She did it like this: *against Sora's head* KNOCK-KNO-KNO-KNOCK-KNOCK...KNOCK KNOCK!
Sora: *smacks*

Sora puts on some generic gawf emo clothes and then panics.

He looked around franticly in search of something to do to make him seem like he hadn’t just been panicking.

Marluxia: "Calmly continuing what I am doing" has always worked for me.

He threw himself onto the bed ungracefully as the door to his bedroom flew open. In walked Roxas, with the blonde and the redhead in tow.

Axel: TWO?!
Demyx: *as Roxas* You snooze, you lose, Sora!

“Sora. What the fuck were you doing?”

“I-I was just. Uh. Belly flopping onto my bed.”

Kairi: It's a water bed!
Sora: Cool, I've always wanted one of those.
Riku: He's from an ocean far, far away, you know.
Sora: Hey!

He nodded nervously. This was certainly a side of Sora Roxas had never seen before.

Sora: ...The other side! Kairi, Namine, and the others are there.
Riku: You Nobodies hog all the girls.

“Uh-huh.” Roxas said with a suspicious grin lingering playfully on his lips. “Well anyway Soda, this is Naminé.” He said, walking behind the almost albino looking girl from the magazine and placing his hands on her shoulders.

Marluxia: *as Roxas* And she'll be your server for the evening. Would you like to start with an appetizer?

Roxas cocked his head towards Kairi. “And this one here is Kairi.” He added with a wink.

Sora smiled faintly at the girls and added a small wave. “Sora.”

Sora: Or Soda. Or Coke-pepsi-head, or whatever dumb name we're giving me nowadays.

It was at that moment Kairi felt her knees go jelliod.

Axel: Someone call 9-1-1?

It was all the girl could do to keep from collapsing on the floor.

“Well, Naminé and I will be in my room if you need us. You kids have fun now.”

Marluxia: Well, clearly Roxas isn't as dumb as he looks!
Axel: On the first date? Taaaacky.

Kairi awkwardly plopped herself down on the floor, crossing her legs in front of her. Trying not to stare at the god who sat on the bed before her,

Kairi: Good plan. Hades is really ugly.

she poked at the bruise on her shin that had been so unkindly given to her by-

“You can sit you know. O-on the bed.”

Riku: Since the floor is completely covered in dirty clothes.

Kairi looked up at him, astonished. Had he really just spoken to her?

Demyx: Nope. Talking to his feet.

What a nice piano! Will Sora play for her?

Sora, on the other hand was happy she did. It was the perfect opportunity to show off in front of her. “Yeah, sure. Anything particular you want to hear?”

Kairi: Flight of the Bumblebee, please!

“Oh, well I didn’t really mean to ask. So, I kind of have nothing in mind.” She paused. “S-sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Sora thought for a second, wondering what to play for her. Then he remembered the few minutes he had played impulsively last night, trying to figure out what would sound best in the song he was writing.

Sora: Oh no, now we're going to launch into song lyrics from some popular emo band and we'll have to sit through those!
All: *suck in breath!*--

The song about her. Although, that part he didn’t dare tell her. She sat on his bed in awe at how good he was. No normal person could get that good in the time since his party to now. Sora finished his song and looked to her. “Did you like it?”

All: --*Exhale!*
Kairi: That was a close one.

“I loved it. I really did. You’re really good considering how long you’ve been playing.”

Sora: ...How does she know how long I've been playing?
Riku: Clearly, she's joined Ven as his companion in the TARDIS and gone back in time!

“Heh. I won’t deny that.

Riku: His ego...it's OVER--
Demyx: *raises sitar threateningly*
Riku: --Compensating!

And I’m not trying to be cocky. We’ve had a lot of time off from touring, so I made use of that time.”

Marluxia: For drugs, sleeping, and more drugs!

“So, speaking of your birthday it was a lot of fun. I would have gotten around to saying happy birthday, but those two idiots ruined the whole thing for everyone.”

Marluxia: Come now, if they could get past my bouncers, they're not idiots.
Sora: Who are these two idiots we keep mentioning?
Kairi: Sapphy-Dracases and ShaloneSK.
Sora: ...Oh, that makes sense now.

So what about Kairi's life?

“Is it a whore house? I figured you would know.

Axel: *as Sora* Being a whore and all.

You do live there.

Marluxia: And yet, I'm still surprised he can't put two and two together.

And, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Although by then it will be obvious what the answer is.” He rambled, before shaking his head to snap himself out of it.

Riku: And yet, the conversation has already gone rotten.
Kairi: That didn't take long at all.

Kairi turned crimson. “I- uh. It is. But I just live there. Naminé is an old friend of Leon’s. And we needed a place to stay.” Good. Good girl. You told the truth without exposing yourself.

Marluxia: Or a half-truth, which is, as we all know, good enough.

She thought.

“I see. If you don’t mind my asking, why did you need a place to stay?”

Sora: He was taking his invention to the fair and he got lost!

Sora asked without thinking. He then felt bad for asking when he saw the wave of sadness consume the girl.

Axel: Is the wave DEATH-DEFYING?
Kairi: No, it's not, be quiet.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me. But if you tell me your reason, I’ll tell you the reason I’m here.”

Axel: For the nookie.

Both of them kind of fail at keeping their big secrets. Gee, their stories are so alike!

For the first time that day she had actually thought before speaking. Or so she thought. “I guess we’re more alike than I thought.”

Demyx: Man, this seems like the perfect spot to break into a Gene Kelly dance number.

“Huh?”

“I-I mean, I’d see you sometimes and just think how great of a life you lead. And how you have everything for the taking.”

Sora: Have everything? Geez, I'm just a world-famous rock star. It's not like I own an oil company or anything.

“Well I’m sure you must live a pretty good life, living in this building and all.”

Axel: Just like the doorman and janitors.

“Heh. Yeah. I guess.”

Sora looked at the girl. She was weird. That’s how he liked them.

Marluxia: A regular at /d/

“Want me to teach you piano?”

It was a random gesture, but she’d let him teach her anything. “Sure!”

Demyx: Like calculus!

Naminé laid on Roxas’ bed as he strummed his acoustic guitar.

Axel: VERY tacky.
Sora: He means an ACTUAL guitar!

The room was dark. It had been such a beautiful sunny morning, but then a blanket of fog rolled in off the Hudson River. Sounds of a piano came from through the thick wall of sheet rock.

Demyx: *as piano* Double-headed axe, what are you--what are you doing to me?! No! NOOOO!!!

“I take it their getting along well if he’s playing piano in front of her.” Roxas noted.

Kairi: Their what is getting along well?
Riku: Their FEET!

“Why is that?”

“He won’t even play piano in front of me.”

Axel: Must be an annoying backseat pianist.

Roxas and Namine's conversation is not all that interesting, even to them.

“You’re very important. But now you have to start whatever conversation it is you want to have. Because One, I got nothing Two, You’re the one who wants to talk.”

Demyx: You know what these people need? A coffee table book.
Sora: Or a water cooler and a new reality television program.

Naminé sat there staring at the gorgeous blonde boy with bewilderment. “Roxas?”

“Hmm?”

“You just said I was important.”

Demyx: *as Namine* Mommy Mommy, look, I'm important!
Axel: *as mother* Yes dear, very important. Now finish your salad.

“Cause you a-” He was cut off by her throwing herself off the bed and at him. She hugged him long and hard.

Sora: *as Namine* And I shall keep him and love him and squeeze him and call him George!

“Nobody has ever said that to me before. Thank you Roxas.”

He scratched the back of his head as his face turned a vibrant red. “You’re welcome?”

And so began the twisted little fairy tale known as Naminé and Kairi’s lives. After all, nobody ever said fairy tales had to be rated PG.

Riku: Except for the MPAA.
Sora: Look, it's fractured fairy tales!
Kairi: ...Isn't this the third or fourth time that OUR NEW LIVES WILL BEGIN, OH NOES?

More chapters will come at a later date!

"Badfic unclear, try again"... PART TWO

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 06:08:57 GMT

Whoops, looks like LJ required this post to be split into two. Here's the third sporked chapter!

-------------------------

Title: 2 Hookers and an 8 Ball (With a title like that, you know it's a winner!)
Author: acquired.minds
Rating: One for burn-your-eyes-out stereotypes, one for unnecessary drama, one for the killer OOC, and one for a healthy dose of whatthefuckery. The shorter length and lack of bad porn keep this from a full five or an Ansem, respectively.

Check the post directly before for the rest of the stats. Otherwise, onward we go!

Sample:

Chapter three finds us at a new house, but with the same problems.

A pale blonde girl of about 17 washed the dishes with a fresh row of deep scratches on her face.

Axel: Good evidence for why you should never try to wash rabid dishes.

The tears that rolled down her cheeks only seemed to make the stinging of the slap worse.

Sora: Slaps that...leave deep scratches?
Marluxia: She got slapped with the college ring on.
All: *wince!*

She listened in horror as the woman she had received the slap from gave the same treatment to her year-younger sister.

Demyx: The dog was next in line. And then, the goldfish!

“Mom I didn’t do anything!” A redhead pleaded as a short pale blonde woman of about 35 repeatedly kicked her.

Riku: *as redhead* I just watched and did nothing! Why are you punishing me for the dog chewing up the Manolo Blahniks!

“Please mom!”

“Shut up, Kairi! You stupid tramp.”

Sora: *summons Keyblade on instinct*
Riku: Holy hell, even in the het fics there's Kairi-bashing.
Kairi: *sighs* Oh, we've known that since the Suefics.

The woman spat kicking her once more. The girl known as Kairi cried to her older sister in distress. “Naminé!”

Marluxia: Oh sure, that'll work.
Kairi: *eyebrow* She's the older one?

Finally the girl in the kitchen,

Demyx: Formerly the Girl Formerly Known As Prince.

Naminé could take it no longer. She had to protect her little sister. She threw the dish she was drying down and stepped over all the freshly broken shards of ceramic with her bare feet.

Sora: ...I don't see how that's going to help.
Axel: *as abusive lady* Whot're you gonna do, bleed on me?!

She entered the living room to see her sister cowering on the floor with hands over her head, so as to provide some sort of protection against the beast who was attacking her.

Marluxia: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY OUT OF THE WEST WING?!
Sora: *glare* Beast is not abusive, thanks!

Naminé grabbed the unsuspecting woman by her hair and threw her to the ground.

Axel: *in announcer's voice* RING-OUT. NAMINE IS VICTORIOUS!

Mother dearest is knocked out! Now what to do?

“Obviously not. What do you think she’s going to do when she wakes up?”

Riku: Have a splitting headache?
Marluxia: Try and throttle you again?

Kairi buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know.”

Kairi: I forgot my medicine, too!

She choked out in between sobs.

Naminé hugged her younger sister. “It will be okay. I should go sweep up the mess I made and start dinner.

Kairi: And once again, calling the police is not an option, I see.
Riku: The police are probably trained at the same place fanfic nurses are. In which case, she's smart to avoid them.

You should probably get a glass of water and her medicine and just wait by her for her to wake up.”

Demyx: Then slather yourself in barbecue sauce and go play with Cujo.

Naminé helped her sister up and went back to the kitchen to clean as Kairi got water and three small pills.

Marluxia: She didn't really know what they were, but hey, all pills were the same.

She looked at the pills in her hand. These tiny little drugs were what decided how their day would be.

Axel: *puts on sunglasses, looks cool* You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
Demyx: It bottoms out around the Lotus Forest, right?
Axel: ....Idiot.

It was amazing how much drugs could do.

Riku: They can stay alive for three months without food or water!
Sora: They migrate all the way from South America to the Arctic and back every year.
Demyx: Walk and chew gum at the same time!
Marluxia: Ahhh. So she gets hooked on prescription pills and not coke.

Amazing and terrifying. Eventually the blonde woman stirred, with two strand of her perfectly slicked back hiar sticking up and out of place.

Sora: She needs her pills to maintain proper plural nouns!

She takes the pills, but not all of them. The girls go upstairs to cry.

They got to their room and sat down on Kairis bed. Naminé began to sob. “I can’t- do this- anymore- Kairi.”

Axel: *as Namine* We're--out--of curry powder--for dinner!

“I know. Only one more year, then we can both move out. And you can be my guardian.”

Sora: Then they can finally set out on their quest to obtain all the aeons and defeat Sin!

“With what money, Kairi? Mom won’t let me get a job just for that reason.”

Marluxia: Just raid her purse and steal the credit card; she'll be too doped up to notice.

Kairi looked out the window and enviously watched as the happy kids rode their bikes up the street.

Axel: To the Ice Cream man at the end of the block, who had declared today Give Out Free Ice Cream To Children That Are Not Abused Day.
Demyx: Completely oblivious to the shouting, slapping and smashing of vases nearby!

“I don’t know. Knowing Larxene, she’ll poison our dinner.”

Marluxia: That is an entirely accurate assessment of her character. Now where is she?
All: ....Ummmm....

“Larxene?”

“I refuse to call her Mom. Y’know?”

Sora: Seifer's always lookin' out for the town, y'know?
Kairi: I'm having trouble figuring out which of our horrible mothers is worse, and that worries me.

Naminé scoffed. “You sound like my ex-boyfriend, Rai. Y’know?” She mocked coldly.

Axel: Rai left her for Seifer, and boy is she bitter.
Kairi: *sigh* He was probably abusive, too.
Demyx: Better than the other ex-boyfriend, Wakka?
Marluxia: Then she'd sound baked. That comes later.

It's Larxene's fault since she was a teenage mother! It made her go crazy!

Axel: Messing around with her own serotonin, the loose tramp.

Having us too young put unnecessary stress on her and she just snapped.

Sora: The fic's starting to sound like an after-school special again.
Riku: Clearly what she needs is a MAN around the house.
Marluxia: What are you talking about? Larxene IS the man around the house.

It’s not our faults. And she’s got a lot of nerve calling us whores. We’re fucking virgins!”

Axel: *brightens* O RLY.
Marluxia: That sounds pretty whorish to me.
Sora and Riku: *punch one each*
Kairi: Thank you.

Naminé’s voice cracked. Kairi put her hand on her sisters shoulder and smiled sympathetically, she was about to say something when Larxene called up the stairs.

Demyx: *as Larxene* If either of you so much as thinks about touching the other in naughty places, I'm selling you off to a Catholic school!

“Get your asses down here!”

Kairi: Okay, but give us a minute, it takes a lot of oats to coax these things downstairs.

And down their asses go.

The girls took their places in their usual seats and stared at the nice looking pasta dish their mother prepared.

Riku: *as Namine* ...Mom, I think the noodles are alive.
Axel: *as Kairi* Uh mom, I don't think spaghetti sauce is supposed to be bright green and give off a faint arsenic-like odor.

“T-this looks great Lar- Mom.” Kairi quickly corrected herself.

Larxene stared at the girls who stared at their dishes.

Sora: When you stare into the abyss....

“I’m glad it does. Eat up. It will be the last meal you eat in this house.”

Axel: *as Larxene* MWA HA HA HA HAAA. *twirls invisible mustachio*
Demyx: *as Larxene* Oops, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud.

The girls looked up at their mother in horror who was now pointing to two large bags by the front door. “You’ll pack your things in those bags.

Demyx: She packed my bags last night pre-flight...
Sora: Zero hour, nine AM.
Demyx: And I'm gonna be hiiiiiiigh as a kite, by then!...

I can’t have such troublemakers like yourselves in my house.”

Riku: *as Larxene* Ye varmits better gettin' outta my house, y'hear?!

Kairi began to breathe heavily. This was all happening way too fast. It couldn’t be happening, no it just couldn’t be.

Axel: Fools. You were just discussing it, and it happened in a previous chpater.
Marluxia: Dramatic non-irony is dramatic.

She looked up at Naminé who for some reason was very calm besides the fact that she was gripping her fork so hard; her knuckles had turned to white.

Demyx: A well-placed fork can solve many problems.

“M-mom? Please don’t do this. Please. Just take your medicine and everything will be okay.”

Sora: There definitely will not be any relapses into even more violent and psychopathic behavior, now that drugs are here to save us!

Larxene looked at the girl, amused. “Oh no Kairi, I’ve made up my mind. I am a Christian woman, and this is a Christian house.

All: *SPFFFFT*
Axel: Sure, she attends the First Church of Latter-Day Smartass Sadism.

I can’t allow you to live here with me anymore.”

Riku: *as Larxene* My God forbids sharing a house with girls under the age of eightteen.
Marluxia: Oh, she's just going to kick them out so she can claim them as dependents on her taxes without actually caring for them.

“Who are you kidding?! You never go to church!”

“I’m sorry Kairi, but I’ve made up my mind.”

Demyx: I've consulted the voices in my head, and they've all come to a democratic decision.

Naminé continued to sit in silence. Kairi was saying everything that was on her mind for her. “But, where will we go!?”

Sora: TO HELM'S DEEP.

Larxene shrugged. “Take the train to the city. There’s lots of homeless people there. Just. Like. You.”

Demyx: Oh great, they're gonna end up sulking in dark alleyways groping at Sora when he walks by, too!

Those last words cut through the girls like a knife.

Sora: *grips chest* Oi, you cut me to the quick! Why, I wouldn't stay here if ye asked me to!
Axel: *throws something*
Sora: Not even for a cuppa tea!

Naminé winced and slammed her hand that was harshly gripping the fork onto the table- hard. Hard enough to make the plates and even Larxene jump. “Something wrong, Naminé?” Larxene asked with a chuckle.

Demyx: *as Namine* THIS PASTA IS COLD.

Naminé stood up from the table. “I’m not hungry anymore. And like hell if I’d eat anything you would make. You probably poisoned it.” She grabbed the bags on her way up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door behind her, leaving Kairi and Larxene in the kitchen.

Axel: And when she came back down, ONLY ONE WOULD STILL STAND.

And so, they pack their things, and head out into the cold, cruel world.

“Why don’t we take Larxene’s advice and go to the city?”

Marluxia: Because Larxene was the one who gave it.
Demyx: Bad advice costs nothing and it's...worth the price!

“Oh, yeah then we can go jump off a bridge. Although, I think that would be a more safe alternative.”

Sora: Wait, suicide is the safer alternative? *confused*

“I have a friend who lives in the city. His name is Leon. Although, he runs something a little,” She paused “Crass.”

“W-what do you mean?”

Axel: Used car dealership?
Marluxia: Pawn shop?
Demyx: Astrology readings?

“A whore house, basically.”

“No! No way in hell!”

Sora: I'm a little disturbed as to how our Nobodies keep making these unscrupulous "friends."
Axel: We have our connections.

“Alright. I guess we’ll just live in abandoned subway tunnels with mole people, and eventually become one of them.

Demyx: That sounds way more awesome than what'll probably happen.
Sora: You're starting to sound like me.

Oh, and I didn’t mention how the cockroaches will be crawling over us as we sleep.”

Kairi could kill herself where she stood. “This is not happening.”

Sora: Goofy's not ACTUALLY dead!

And so, the two take the train to Leon's place, because it's obviously safe.

But that was how it always was. Naminé was the older, fun loving sister. While Kairi on the other hand, was a bookworm who took caution with every step she took.

Axel: Wow. It's like Freaky Friday.

The girl was oblivious to how fast that would change.

Riku: While the audience just plain didn't care.

They walked along the dirty Manhattan slum streets.

Demyx: Zexion was popping out from trash cans, windows and sewer drains every few blocks to grope at them.
Sora: *Shudder!*

They arrive at Leon's house! Er, penthouse apartment. Again.

Written on it was, his name, street address, and the note to herself that said ‘look on panel for apartment num.

Demyx: Apartment nun?!
Marluxia: NUMber, you dolt.
Sora: This apartment needs a nun.

and ring bell.’ So, she did.

They waited about a minute for someone to answer, and when they finally did it was a woman’s perky voice.

Riku and Sora: *as Kairi and Namine* TRICK OR TREAT!

“Come on up.” There was a little buzz and the sound of the door to the lobby clicking unlocked. The girls got their bags and shuffled through the door. Kairi had to admit, It was a really nicely kept building. They found the elevator and pressed number 17. The elevator smelled of lemon cleaner.

Demyx: Our establishment only uses the cleanest of lemons.

“It’s apparent the janitor was just here. Does that make you feel a little better about this Kairi?”

Marluxia: Not if he's actually the little man.
All: *terror*

“It is really nice. But, we’re still not in the apartment yet.”

Axel: Still haven't seen the kill floor yet or anything.

Naminé rolled her eyes at the girl. “Just, trust me. Okay? Is it that hard? Would I take you somewhere where we would have an absolute shit life?”

Sora: Like, say--Castle Oblivion?
Marluxia: Hey.

(yes.)

Riku: It's more likely than you think!

By the way, Leon is a clean freak. In the elevator, they run into a certain two boys.

There was a pause. “That blonde was hot.”

Demyx: Why, thank you! *preens*
Sora: I think she meant Roxas.
Demyx: *sadface*

Kairi turned to her sister and shared a laugh with her. It was interrupted by yet another ding.

“Okay Kairi, this is our floor.” They picked up their bags and ungracefully left the elevator. It would probably be making its way back down to pick up that gorgeous boy and his friends.

Riku: That elevator is such a hussy!

Oh, how she wished she could stay in it just to see him without seeming creepy.

Axel: I think hanging around in the elevator would be very creepy, thanks.

But then again this was her home now, and she would indefinitely be seeing him again soon. The hallway was narrow and extremely long. In the center were two doors that stood face to face. They were the only two doors on the floor.

Riku: COME PLAY WITH...oh man, we already made that joke, didn't we?

“That’s fucking creepy.” Naminé shivered. “The Shining is my favourite movie and all, but this is just too much.”

Demyx: And now the fic's made it for us.
Riku: Well, this sure is irritating.

They found 17A, which wasn’t too hard, and knocked.

Kairi: Considering there's only two doors and all.

A very drunk Aerith invites them in to meet Leon, who shows them their new rooms.

Before the girls could even exchange looks, he changed the subject. “Why don’t I show you your rooms?

Axel: *as Leon* They've even got poles in them for you to practice on.

Hey, Cloud, I’ll be right back. I have to show the girls to their rooms.” He called over to the man.

“Okay.” Cloud responded in a softer than expected voice.

Axel: If he starts playing chess with himself while I'm freaking out over spiders, I'm leaving.

They walked down the hallways. It reminded Kairi much like a huge, venomous snake, waiting to attack.

Riku: This kind of imagery has never led us anywhere good.

“Hey, Leon. Why is there only two apartments to this floor?” Naminé asked as she ran her hand along the wall.

Sora: The floor sneezed and lost a bunch of them.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you? This is a penthouse apartment building. So, all of the floors have only two huge apartments.”

“Where did you get all this money from?”

Axel: His ass.

“I inherited it.

Axel: Close enough.

Actually, I inherited the apartment as well.”

Demyx: Soooo...he and Marluxia both inherited the same apartment.
Kairi: Or rather, they inherited two penthouse apartments that just HAPPENED to exist in the same building.
All: ...
Sora: ...I'm falling back on my "the city is run by robots" excuse.

He stopped in front of a large oak door. “And in this door right here, are my father’s guitars. He was a famous guitarist.” He started walking again with the girls following like robots.

Sora: *points* SEE? ROBOTS.
Marluxia: Yes, you're very smart, now shut up.

“Basically, I don’t have to do anything. I dropped out of school because, what good would it do me if I’m not going to work anyway?

Kairi: Well, for one thing, he'd know how to spell "Mississippi."

I make some money here and there, but that’s a different story.”

Sora: So, like, Joe Francis, but an even bigger asshole?
Riku: I didn't know that was even possible.

“We know. Well, I knew but I told her.” Naminé explained.

“Ah.” They rounded the corner and came to a dead end.

Marluxia: That looked like the head of a snake about to attack.
Sora and Riku: Quit it!

There were seven rooms.

Kairi: Labeled Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Doc and Dopey.

This bed is huge!

“I insist. I never sleep in this bed anyway. I’m usually having a.. er.. sleepover in one of the rooms across the hall.”

Axel: And I bet they stay up and paint their nails and gossip and watch "Mean Girls" and play "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" allll night long.
Sora: Yeah, Axel, you would know all about that.

Gross. Kairi thought.

“Don’t worry. You can’t hear a thing.”

Riku: He also inherited soundproof walls from his guitar hero dad.
Kairi: In badfic, no one can hear you scream.

Leon persuaded as he sratched the back of his head. The girls would find in years to come that Leon was very good at persuading.

Kairi: I bet he does Nigerian scam emails in his spare time.

“Set your things down and get settled. Then meet me in the living room.

Axel: *as Leon* Dress in as little as possible.

I’ll give you the grand tour, then we can eat dinner.”

Demyx: It's poisoned spaghetti! Again!

He closed the door behind him, leaving the girls to do as he said. He chuckled upon realizing it was the first of many times, he would get them to do what he said.

Sora: ...Dun dun duuuun?
Kairi: It's kind of sad, but the snake-hallway was more foreboding than this.

Naminé threw herself backwards onto the huge, fluffy bed. “Kairi, stop unpacking and lay down on this thing.”

Kairi set her Mickey Mouse clock down on the night table and flopped onto the bed. “Nami, are you sure this isn’t too good to be true?”

Demyx: I dunno, after the twentieh hit with the Foreshadowing Bat everything goes a little fuzzy....

Nothing will ever go wrong!

Kairi hoisted herself up from the bed and took out the remaining item from her bag. It was a copy of Rolling Stone, her favourite magazine.

Marluxia: But of course she only reads it for the articles.
Demyx: Hey, I know that magazine!
Marluxia: Of course Music Man knows--
Demyx: Sisyphus started it. It's really big in Tartarus!
All: ....

She put it on the table next to her alarm clock.

Kairi: That I got at Linens n' Things.

She would have to talk to Leon about getting a subscription if she got a job.

(you’ll be getting a job alright.)

Riku: You'll be stuck as a cashier at the local Michael's for the next three years, sucker!
All: *shudder*

“Nami, you didn’t even unpack and I’m already done.”

“I’ll do it later. Let’s go meet Leon.

Kairi: Who were we meeting before?
Sora: Meeting Squall.
Kairi: ...

But first, help me up.” Kairi walked over and helped the lazy girl up from their bed.

“You’re too lazy for your own good.” They walked out the doors of the huge bedroom and down the snake-like halls to meet Leon and begin their new life.

Marluxia: More snakes.
Riku: Why is it ALWAYS snakes?

Neither of them expected it.

All: UNLIKE THE AUDIENCE.

Or else they wouldn’t have come to him. It happened so slowly, so nonchalantly.

Kairi: ...I don't think that's the word she's looking for.
Marluxia: So Leon's whored out the thesaurus, too. I see.

OH NOES DOOM.

THE DOOM SHALL CONTINUE LATER.