The ULTIMATE SUFFERING (PART ONE)

This sporking has been brought to you by the letter ryuuzoku_aya and the number lynxgriffin. Make sure to eat your veggies, kids!

The MCP, while he is not a sporker for this piece, feels inclined to do the stats:

WARNING. WARNING. THE FANFICTION YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ VIOLATES THE SENSIBILITIES AND LOGIC OF USER AND PROGRAM ALIKE. DO NOT READ WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, NURSING OR VALUE YOUR SANITY. PLEASE BE AWARE THAT READING OF THIS FIC GUARANTEES THAT SOMEWHERE, ONE (1) KITTEN WILL DIE OF HEART FAILURE.
THINK OF THE KITTENS, IDIOT USER.

Title: Immortality in Fickle Affection PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS FIC WAS ACCESSED THROUGH WAYBACK MACHINE ARCHIVES. AUTHOR LINKS ARE NOT AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.
Author: Tekki and vejiita4eva
Rating: BREACH OF SPORKER RATING PROTOCOL NECESSARY.

Full Name (including any titles): CLOUD, HERCULES, SEPHIROTH; VARIOUS OTHER USERS.
Full Species(es): CANONUS WHATTHEFLYINGFUCKIUS
Hair Color (include adjectives): AS CANON
Eye Color (include adjectives): AS CANON
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: DOES NOT COMPUTE
Special Possessions (if any): DOES NOT COMPUTE

Origin: CANNOT BE DETERMINED
Connections To Canon Characters: NO APPROPRIATE LINKS AVAILABLE.
Special Abilities: 404 ERROR.
Other Annoying Traits: 133,648 RESULTS FOUND; PLEASE REFINE SEARCH

I Say/Notes:
USERS, PLEASE BE INFORMED THAT THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO THIS LIST OF FANFICTION ERRORS AND/OR SEXUAL KINKS
- CHARACTER RAPE
- LOGIC RAPE
- COCKRINGS
- INFLATION
- RIMMING
- SCAT
- MUTILATION/CASTRATION
- AUTOCANNIBALISM
- MUSCLE FETISH
- BLOODSPORTS
- WATERSPORTS
- EXHIBITIONISM
- BESTIALITY
- PENILE TRANSMUTATION
- COCKVORE
- GENDER SWITCH
- UNBIRTH

Sample:


Our sporking opens in the porno theater. The place looks even filthier than usual, as if a fight recently took place here. It's quiet for a moment, then suddenly, Xaldin, Lexaeus, Axel and Demyx all warp in at the same time.
Demyx: Woah...what happened?
Lexaeus: I don't recall getting a report on another sporking assignment...
Axel: *suspicious* Yeah, what the hell is this?
Cid: *from the projection booth* Emergency sporking! This one almost broke the theater! You got called in on this because of your elements!
Axel: Our elements? What, you mean—
Lexaeus: Earth?
Axel: Fire?
Xaldin: Wind?
Demyx: Water?
Cid: When your powers combine, you can SPORK THIS BADFIC!
Demyx: *thinks* Wait...what about heart?
Cid: You guys don't HAVE any hearts!
Xaldin: Bad puns aside, what in Darkness's name could be so bad about the fic that it almost compromised the theater itself?
Cid: Just...just make with the funny! *hides*
All: ...
Lexaeus: To quote a famous Star Wars cliché, I Have A Bad Feeling About This.
Someone in full HAZMAT gear walks in carrying the script with a large pair of iron tongs.
Aya: Aaaand here'syourscripthavefunbye! *drops it in Xaldin's lap*
Lexaeus: You aren't going to-
Aya: Hell no, I'm not subjecting myself to that a second time. *leaves quickly*
Xaldin: *picks the script up with two fingers and holds it away from his body like a dead animal*
Demyx: ...Is it just me or does that script smell like-
Lexaeus: No. It's not just you.


Cloud gasped as the demi-god lifted him bodily into the air and thrust into him. Delicate fingers clawed at the bubble-like muscled arms holding him up.

Axel: *SPITTAKE*
Lexaeus: Well, it seems this fic has hit the ground running.
Xaldin: Hit the ground thrusting, more like.
Demyx: But...but wait! Isn't there supposed to be a plot before this? Setup? Where'd the rest of the story go?!
Axel: There's a story?

"Oh, yes, give it to me, big boy!" he yelled, not caring who heard. Hercules grunted in response.

Demyx: *points* Look! They included a Disney character!
Xaldin: This just somehow makes it...so much worse.

"Oh god," Cloud moaned, to which Hercules lifted his head in attention.

"Yes?"

"No, no," Cloud murmured breathlessly, "continue, please." And Cloud lightly swiped his small pink tongue across Hercules' swirly chin.

All: ...*snort*
Axel: What, does he surprise-dunk people into the toilet with his chin?
Xaldin: Swirly chin. That does it. I won't be able to take this fic seriously from here on out.
Demyx: Lucky.
Lexaeus: ...How is he licking his chin? If Hercules is behind him, he would have to crane his head backwards...a whole lot.
Xaldin: It helps not to think about these things too hard.

"Oh, you like that, huh?" grinned Hercules, showing teeth. "Let me show you what my demi-god can do." He pulled out of Cloud's tight, sweet bottom, and put him down on the arena sand none too gently.

"Ow!" Cloud squealed, then giggled. He waved his bum in the air. "I don't think I can wait any longer for your hard man-meat!"

Axel: *sprays soda everywhere* BUH HAHAHAHA WHAT?!
Xaldin: Hard man-meat: only 150 munny per pound, this weekend at Albertsons.
Lexaeus: I'm still trying to get past the mental images of Cloud squealing and giggling.
Axel: Well, screw trying to drink anything this sporking. *tosses soda can*

OH, BUT HERCULES MAKES IT WORTH THE WAIT.

Cloud gasped in awe and lust. Hercules' glorious member was glowing with the gold aura of godhood, and there was something attached to the base, metal and spiky.

Lexaeus: That's unfortunate. His genitals ascended to godhood before the rest of him did.
Xaldin: Won't that be awkward at the annual Greek Gods summit.
Demyx: So he attached Metal Sonic to his...you know?

"Oh, Hercules, hurry up! I'm getting so hot," Cloud moaned as sexily as he could.

Demyx: *sings* So take off all your clothes! ...Oh, wait.

"Only .... what's that?"

The metal, in the shape of a circle with a hole for Hercules' purple, veiny dick, gleamed in the afternoon sun.

Demyx: So THAT'S what was in the same drawer as the Olympus Stone!
All: *stare at him*
Demyx: ...What?

MERRILY WE ASS-RAPE ALONG!

Cloud wailed pitifully. Oh, it hurt so good! The pain aroused him, and the more aroused he became, the more his ass cheeks inflated, and the more they inflated, the more the metal spikes dug in. And the more the spikes dug into his ass, the more pain Cloud was caused, and the more painfully aroused he became. And so forth.

Lexaeus: And so on. Etcetera, etcetera.
Xaldin: It's a vicious cycle, basically.
Demyx: His butt-cheeks are full of...helium? Like balloons?
Axel: Any moment now, I can see those things POPPING.

"Oh, Hercules, more! I need more!" Cloud gasped breathily.

"Don't be impatient," grunted Hercules. He drew back and slapped Cloud's ass so hard the sound echoed through the empty arena. The fresh pin-pricks on the otherwise smooth, creamy globes oozed blood. Hercules bent down and lapped at it.

Demyx: Zero to hero my ASS!
Xaldin: Poor choice of words, number IX.
Axel: He's an ass-vampire!
Lexaeus: Smooth creamy globes? Well I'm certainly not eating ice cream for a very long time.

HERCULES GOES RIMMING, OKAY.

Cloud was shaken out of his ecstatic reverie by a very undignified, ungod-like screech. The blond looked down between his legs to note, with morbid fascination, that his burly-thighed lover had caught his own hand on the spiked cock ring.

Axel: *points* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCKER!
Lexaeus: Probably literally, the way things have been going so far.
Demyx: Those must be the manliest thighs he's ever seen.

"Oowie!" sobbed Hercules. "It hurts, it hurts!"

Axel: *as Hercules* It BURNS! It FREEEEEEEZES!
Xaldin: *as same* My preeeeeeecious, throbbing man-meat!

Cloud was overcome by a wave of fury. "Snap out of it and fuck me, dammit!" he shouted.

Axel: Demanding little wanker.
Demyx: Hercules better hurry! I think Cloud just went Super Seme!
Lexaeus: His OOC level..unbelievable!
Axel: Niiiiiine thouuuusand!

"But .... but ...." Hercules blubbered.

Axel: Yes, Hercules! That is what you just stuck your sorry tongue into!

Cloud couldn't take it anymore. His horniness giving him inhuman strength, he flipped Hercules over and began pistoning his stiff meaty tool between the demi-god's round hemispheres.

Lexaeus: Hercules is so godly, his buttcheeks are entire world divisions.
Demyx: *point!* Cloud's actually going to do someone up the ass instead of taking it!
Xaldin: Are you sure? I'm envisioning a turkey baster being stabbed through a world map at this point.

Such had been the plan, anyway, and would have been successfully followed through had it not been for the golden beam of light that burst forth from Hercules' mighty anus.

Xaldin: ...What.
Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE CRAPS SUNSHINE
Demyx: *as Hercules* ANUUUUS BEEEEAM POWAAAAAAAAR
Lexaeus: Here I come to save the daaaay! Mighty Anus is on his waaaay!
Axel: I guess Herc's dad installed a security system!
Demyx: Man, Zeus takes that whole "protected sex" thing to the EXTREME.

It knocked Cloud back several feet. Cloud skid across the arena floor and came to rest with his head propped against the wall, limbs spreadeagle.

The experience was so new and unexpected that Cloud didn't have time to react. However, his body did, spraying jet after jet of gummy love-juice into the air, like an indecisive fountain.

Demyx: Poor fountain. It just can't make up its mind.
Axel: Insta-orgasm! Just add ass beams!
Lexaeus: ...So Hercules craps sunshine and Cloud cums sugar?
Xaldin: They're absolutely perfect for each other.

CLOUD WAKES UP TO HERCULES'S ASS IN HIS CUP FACE.

"Mmrph," Cloud mumbled around a mouthful of ass meats.

Xaldin: Ass meats: buy a pound of man-meats and receive five ounces of ass meats free!
Axel: Ass! The other OTHER white meat!

"I thought you'd agree," said Hercules, and wiggled his ass.

Obediently, Cloud began to lick Hercules' firm, shapely flesh. Then he slid his tongue inside the crack.

Axel: What, no rays of sunshine sending him flying across the arena? I'm disappointed.
Xaldin: The security system must be one-use only.
Lexaeus: Or maybe it's because Herc's back to being seme again.
Xaldin: That was unsurprisingly fast.

"Oh, Hercules, I can taste your sweet essence!" he tried to say, but it came out, "Murph mm mrrshmm."

Axel: *as Cloud's mother* Don't talk with your mouth full, boy!
Demyx: His sweet essence of...poo?
All: *gag*

Hercules beamed at his young lover's efforts. As Cloud continued to lap at his muscular globes, Hercules reached down to cup the diminutive blond's testicles in a deceptively gentle hand.

Demyx: Wow, Herc's ass sure is...worldly.

"Now, Cloud, you know I can't leave that little stunt you tried to pull earlier unpunished, now can I?"

Axel: Drop and give me twenty!
Demyx: I expect to see these balls after class, young man!
Xaldin: Life imprisonment without parole!
Lexaeus: If only.

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut. He was so painfully aroused, small tears formed at the corners of his eyes and he could hardly breathe.

Demyx: 'Cause I am barely breathing and I can't find the air! Don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care!

/Oh, yes, punish me Hercules, do as you will,/ he thought as the demi-god continued to roll his testicles in the palm of his hand. /I'm yours./

Hercules' hand stilled, and abruptly ripped Cloud's balls clean off.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Lexaeus: Well...that's one way to take down a Seme.
Xaldin: I'll be sticking with a good old-fashioned lance, thanks.

Cloud jerked in shock. He tried to scream, but the moist ass surrounded his face, his mouth, suffocating him. He tried anyway, and little bubbles of ass juice formed and popped in the damp enclosure.

Demyx: *still screaming* AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH!
Axel: Um, yeah, I'll take the man-meat special with a side of ass-meat and the medium ass juice please.
Lexaeus: So he can shoot sunshine beams out of it, encompass worlds with it and make lemonade with it?
Xaldin: That is one extremely talented ass.

The sensation, which to Hercules, felt like tiny fart explosions between his slabs of ass, was enough to push him over the edge. He came so hard that the pearly liquid shot half the length of the arena, glistering in the air for a brief moment before falling to the ground.

Xaldin: Hercules won the gold today in long-distance ejaculation!
Axel: Demigods do it with distance, baby.
Demyx: ...Is glistering a word?
Lexaeus: Unfortunately. It means "to glisten."
Xaldin: Sparkly sperm too. The son of Zeus's reproductive system certainly has a lot of "bling."

THAT'LL TEACH HIM!

Cloud lay beneath him, crotch bleeding profusely and features contorted.

Xaldin: His features later ran off to join the circus to exploit their new talents.

"Ooooh ...." he groaned. His hair was wet with juices. "That was so hot ...."

Axel: Hot like Antarctica!
Lexaeus: I'm glad Cloud is here to tell us these things, because damned if we could've figured it out on our own.

"You wanna go another round?" asked Hercules. At once his flaccid schlong sprang to attention.

Axel: TEN-HUT! Private Privates reporting for duty SIR!

CLOUD IS KIND OF IN DENIAL. ROUND TWO!

Hercules smiled. "Open your mouth."

Axel: And close your eyes, and you will get a big surprise!
Xaldin: Unfortunately, I think I can already guess the "surprise."
Demyx: What? What surprise?

"Why?" asked Cloud, a little confused. Hercules slapped him.

"Just do it, bitch!"

Cloud loved being told who was boss. He opened his mouth. Hercules promptly shoved a testicle into it.

Demyx: .........Oh.
Axel: *as Hercules* Maybe THIS'LL stop your pansy-ass whining!
Xaldin: This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "You are what you eat."

Cloud gagged and nearly choked.

Hercules narrowed his eyes as Cloud convulsed. "I swear to Zeus,"

Demyx: *as Zeus* You leave me out of this!

he said menacingly, "you'd better swallow if you know what's good for you!"

Xaldin: Testicle: it does a body good.
Axel: He doesn't even get to chew it first? Harsh.
Demyx: *looks nauseous*

The heady scent of blood, rich with the musk of his own balls, tingled in Cloud's nostrils enticingly.

Lexaeus: ..."Enticingly."
Axel: The best part of waking up, is testicle in your cup!
Xaldin: Not in Cloud's cup anymore, sadly.

The blond prepared to comply, but the wet fuzz of the testicle in his mouth grazed his uvula, and Cloud coughed up the fleshy sac, along with his lunch. The bloody little testicle rolled across the arena floor, picking up a fine layer of sand along the way, before settling by Hercules' powerful feet.

Lexaeus: *as an announcer* As you can see, the Iron Seme is marinating the testicle in the blood of his victim. His assistant is preparing to add the uvula-oh that's unfortunate, it appears the assistant has accidentally forced the Iron Seme to drop the testicle.
Xaldin: *as another announcer* All doesn't seem to be lost. It seems he's taking the opportunity to give the testicle a fine layer of sand to enhance the flavor. Some Ukes do highly value the gritty taste so he may still win this if he gets lucky with the judges.

SUDDENLY, PHIL AND SEPHIROTH ENTER THE SCENE!

"I .... ah ...." Beads of sweat had broken out on Phil's forehead. "IhavesomestuffIgottatakecareof ...."

And he dashed out.

Lexaeus: Smartest thing done this entire fic.
Demyx: Run, little goat-man! Run while you still can!

AWKWARD SILENCE ENSUES.

Hercules' handsome face broke into a sly grin, not missing the visual innuendo. "So, you want to have a 'sword' fight, eh? Yeah, cross 'swords'? Eh he he.

Lexaeus: *as Hercules* So, I see your schwartz is as big as mine!
Xaldin: *as same* Now let's see how well you...handle it!

Gonna pull it out and hit me with it? Huh? You want it? YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, COCKMASTER??" Hercules screeched, his godhood bobbing proudly against his stomach.

Axel: HAHAHHAHAHAHA!
Xaldin: His manhood evolved into godhood when we weren't looking, apparently.
Axel: Sephiroth, now starring in COCKMASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.
Demyx: *snickers* Hercules sure got cocky all the sudden.
Axel: No joke. Now he's trying to goad Sephiroth into a cockfight.
Demyx: THA'S A COCK, HEY-O!
Lexaeus: *facepalms* Stop it.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow at the spiky apparatus still affixed to the mastadonic godhood. He cleared his throat again.

Lexaeus: Mastadonic.
Xaldin: I can't tell who got their balls ripped off first, Cloud or the thesaurus.

"Sephiroth? Sephy?" Cloud ventured tentatively.

"Shut up, Cloud," Sephiroth replied in an even, controlled voice. "I'm very, very angry."

Axel: *as Sephiroth* AND YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY.
Demyx: *as Cloud, a la FF7* He'll cut 'em off.
Xaldin: *as Aeris, a la FF7* He'll rip 'em off.
Lexaeus: *as Tifa, a la FF7* He'll smash 'em off.

"Oh yeah?" said Hercules. "Well, I'm horny! How 'bout that, huh?"

Lexaeus: *deadpan* Sephiroth got served.
Demyx: I thought Cloud was the one getting served..you know..with the balls in the mouth and-
Lexaeus: Nevermind.

It happened in the space of a second. Sephiroth had unsheated his sword and relieved Hercules of his collective. Apparently godhood didn't guarantee one's reproductive organs from falling off.

All: *APPLAUSE*
Lexaeus: Bravo, bravo, good sir! Encore!
Xaldin: This must be the first time I've ever been relieved over castration.
Demyx: His collective?! Hercules is in league with the Borg?!
Axel: *as Borg!Hercules* Resistance is futile. You will be assraped.

BUT HERCULES IS UNCONCERNED! AFTER ALL...

A thin, membranous layer spread across the severed end of the bloody stump that was once the demi-god's penis. The membrane stretched, pulled, jerked, then violently split open. Where once there had been a single penis, now stood three.

All: AUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Axel: PENIS HYDRA.
Demyx: *shakes Axel* I know how this works! We need fire! Stat!
Axel: No no, you're going about this all wrong, clearly Sephiroth needs to GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK.
Demyx: Get up on the hydra's back?
Axel: GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!

Sephiroth blinked once. Twice.

Demyx and Axel: GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!

"Holy shit."

Demyx and Axel: GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!

Cloud made a strange sound that seemed to be a squeak of mingled surprise, disgust, and lust. In the background, the door had opened and there were people filling into the arena.

Demyx and Axel: GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!
Lexaeus: *smacks them both*

SEPHIROTH SENDS THE SPECTATORS AWAY.

Hercules' three penises waved a bit as if stirred by an unseen wind.

Sephiroth stared.

Hercules stared back.

Demyx: *summons his sitar and plays a few chords of Western showdown music*
Lexaeus: The audience grew bored and decided to go spend their time more productively.
Axel: STARING CONTEST!
Demyx: You're on!
Axel: *stare*
Demyx: *stare*
Axel: *stare*
Demyx: *stare*
Axel: *stare*
Demyx: *stareBLINK*
Axel: HA! I win!
Demyx: I was distracted by the penis hydra!

Very slowly, Sephiroth reached into his jacket. His gloved hand emerged holding something shiny and green.

Demyx: Oh, I'm newly calibrated...all shiny and GREEN...
Axel: It's not that easy being shiny and green.

Cloud phased in and out of consciousness.

Still very slowly, Sephiroth drew back to a throwing position. Hercules watched, his penises waved.

Axel: *as the penises* Hiiiiii Sephiroth!
Lexaeus: ...Never do that again.

It seemed that Sephiroth suddenly became a blur of speed. Hercules barely registered that the white-haired fighter had moved when he felt something hit his chest, hard, hard enough to knock him over. When he picked himself up, he briefly caught a glimpse of a mobilized Sephiroth with Cloud tucked under his armpit; in the next second they had disappeared from the arena.

Demyx: Sir, we've mobilized the Sephiroth units!
Axel: Get Cloud and secure the area!
Demyx: Roger that, control! Operation Penis Hydra Takedown is go!
Xaldin: *as Hercules* Owwww, anyone get the number on that crappy plot device that hit me?

Hercules stared at the spot Sephiroth had occupied just moments before, dumbfounded. Then he frowned.

"Hey, that's my loving for the week!" [2]

Lexaeus: *as the soup Nazi of Seinfeld* NO LOVING FOR YOU!

Flexing his mighty muscles above his head, Hercules roared a mighty roar, and his three mighty penises screamed like banshees.

Lexaeus: Screaming penises. That's a new one.
Axel: On a moonless night, nothing chills the soul more than the CRY OF THE PENIS.

HERC GIVES CHASE.

Sephiroth sensed the golden aura of the demi-god behind him. Not loosening his grip on the nude blond boy under his arm, Sephiroth wrenched Masamune from its sheath and swiped at Hercules in a flash of arced metal. Three twitching penises tumbled onto the rooftops in the fighters' wake.

Xaldin: NO YOU FOOL!
Lexaeus: Strike him down and he will only become more powerful than you've ever imagined!
Axel: GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!

Nine columns of man meat quickly sprouted out between Hercules' powerful thighs, the Grecian hero not faltering a step in his pursuit. Sephiroth lashed out again and again until Hercules' manhood was a veritable penis Kooshball.

Axel: KOOSHBALL! BEST EUPHAMISM EVER! BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lexaeus: I'm curious as to how he can keep running properly with all that weight between his legs.
Xaldin: HIS GODLY GODPOWERS OF GODLY GODHOOD.

/Hm,/ Sephiroth mused, /I should probably stop that./

Axel: No shit, Sherlock.

SEPHIROTH RUNS INTO NONE OTHER THAN SORA, LEON AND YUFFIE.

Cloud was still bleeding.

Lexaeus: *as an announcer* This has been your live-action update on Cloud's bodily fluids. A press conference will be held at 9:00.

>From within the tangle of limbs and hair, Sora began to cry.

Xaldin: This line has been lifted from a forwarded email for your convenience!
Lexaeus: I smell the remains of a crack RP gone horribly, horribly wrong.

"He smells like peenie," he sniffled.

Axel: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lexaeus: Sweet darkness, what is he, four?
Xaldin: Well, that's another "penis euphemisms gone wrong" off the list.

Hercules landed heavily on the roof, cracks reaching out in spider-thin lines from the point of impact. His eyes held a manic gleam and his penises writhed threateningly.

Yuffie gasped and pointed. "Hercules, how did you hide all that?"

Axel: Hammerspace, naturally!
Demyx: But I thought hammerspace was in Sora's hair.
Lexaeus: Aaaand let's stop the train of thought right there.

"Silence, lowly mortal!" Hercules' voice echoed with godly rage, eyes aflame. Dark clouds circled overhead as his penises screamed furiously. The short haired ninja wisely kept quiet.

Hercules pointed dramatically at Sephiroth, his voice causing the buildings around them to tremble and quake. "Thou hast incited my almighty rage! This grave mistake will not go unchecked. ALL are punish?d!!"

Axel: DO NOT LAUGH AT MY KOOSHBALL HYDRAPENIS, LOWLY MORTAL!
Xaldin: If the author wrote this with a straight face, I will eat all six of my lances.
Lexaeus: *as Hercules* I am so enraged by thy interference that I hath resorted to ye Olde English!
Xaldin: Which makes absolutely no sense as he's Greek.
Demyx: Hey look, an escaped question mark! It killed the letter e and tried to take its place!

Hercules' writhing mass of cocks increased in length with alarming speed, the slits in the penises opening to reveal rows of sharp, shark-like teeth, before shooting forth to devour all in their path.

Lexaeus: Okay, now this is just getting weird.
Xaldin: What were we calling it before?
Axel: Holy darkness, now they're HYRDA SHARK PENISES!
Demyx: *hums Jaws theme*
All: STOP THAT!

TELEPORTATION TIME! HOWEVER, THEY'RE ACTUALLY HOMING HYDRA SHARK PENISES.

Soon Sephiroth, Cloud, and the traumatized Sora were blinking out of existence almost as fast as they were blinking in. The air was thick with penises.

Demyx: The forecast this afternoon: penises.
Axel: Expect heavy showers, of what God only knows.
Lexaeus: Followed by some later evening whatthefuckery fog.

Sephiroth, however, was hardly teleporting aimlessly. In five minutes, he had all of Hercules' penises in one big, tied up knot.

Demyx: *as the regular Hydra* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW, HERCULES?! HUH?! HUH?!
Axel: Hoho, BURNED! Hope he studied his sailor knots as a cub scout!
Xaldin: *as Hercules* Let's see, the rabbit goes through the hole, over the tree...no wait, that's not it...

Yuffie, hugging a wall to stay away from the penises, said, "How's that for irony, Herc?"

Hercules stared blankly. "I-ro-ny?"

Demyx: It's like raaaaaain, on your wedding day...
Axel: That was a whole three syllables! Good job, Herc! *gives gold star*

Hercules was far from beaten, though. The multitude of snapping penis heads stopped their desperate writhing and, turning upwards to the sky, let out a piercing shriek, the likes of which would rival the harpies.

Demyx: I am penis, hear me roar, in numbers too big too ignore!
Axel: Oi, the snapping penis head, testy little buggers in big groups.

All below who were still alive and conscious fell to the ground, hands over their ears and faces contorted in agony.

Lexaeus: Oh, so they finally started reading the fic, then.

Sephiroth, who had since remained standing with the two spiky haired boys under his armpits, now gritted his teeth, refusing to relinquish his hold on them even as his ears bled.

Axel: *as Cloud* No, you should really sit down, you're bleeding from the EARS.
Demyx: *as Sephiroth* Yeah, I know. I do that. I...periodically empty the blood from my head, through my ears. It's tradition in my family.

Hercules said something. No one could actually hear it, of course, but the smarmy smile said more than enough. Sephiroth tried to get up but he was too disoriented; a splitting pain in his head had been left in the wake of the attack.

Demyx: Captain, we've been struck with a plot device stun attack!
Axel: Batten down the hatches and guard the rear ports, we're about to get reamed, son!

"Cure," he muttered, though the sound didn't reach his ears. Nothing happened.

Lexaeus: Our cure stocks are empty, captain!
Axel: I TOLD the boys to ration the stuff!

A wave of panic overtook him. His gaze flickered to the materia slots on his armor.

Xaldin: The materia is gone! I'm afraid I left it in my other pants, captain!
Axel: Shit! Bail! Bail!

AND THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR CURE MATERIA.

He dropped both Cloud and Sora. Cloud he dismissed, the blond was naked. He started rummaging through the dazed brunette's clothing. His fingers found a small cloth pouch in one of the secret pockets on the red jumper, and as he pulled it out he wished fervently that it was what he thought it was.

Demyx: Not another PENIS! *cries*
Axel: Secret pockets? Man, he'll be searching for days with our designer's zipper fetish going on.
Lexaeus: *as Sephiroth* Hmm, it seems Cloud and Sora are taking an afternoon nap! Let's see what they've got in their pockets.
Xaldin: *as same* Nine sickles, and a dungbomb. This is my lucky day!

It was. Little vials gleamed back at him, labeled in a messy hand. He pulled the cork with his teeth and felt his body heal with the discomfort of the fast-forward re-knitting of a potion.

Lexaeus: Potions speed up time, now. I see.
Axel: In that case, gimmie some of those! I want to see if I can fast-forward through this entire fic.

Sephiroth came to realize that he could hear again very fast.

"WAAHH, HE'S MOLESTING ME!" Sora was howling, deafness making his voice abnormally loud.

Axel: *sigh* They always are, Sora. They always are.
Xaldin: ...Deafness making...what?
Lexaeus: At this point, the deaf being able to hear is the LEAST of our worries here.

POTIONS FOR EVERYONE, INCLUDING CLOUD'S CROTCH!

Cloud's eyes fluttered open slowly as the sensation of the potion working its magic washed over him. He watched, mystified, as his nether regions unfurled like petals of a flower, and a set of beautiful new testicles bloomed between his thighs.

Axel: Nothing's more magical than watching the testicles bloom in the springtime!
Lexaeus: I'll take "analogies that should never be used to describe male genetilia", Alex.
Demyx: Will the penis-plant be strong enough to take on the penishydrashark?! Find out next episode on WHY THE HELL DOES THIS EXIST...Z!

"Oh," he cried, sapphire eyes shining with happiness, "they're so beautiful!"

"Shut up," muttered Sephiroth. "Can you fight?"

Axel: PARSELTONGUE, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
Xaldin: Uh Sephiroth, I don't know if you've noticed, but Cloud is kind of stark naked.
Lexaeus: He's just hiding his buster sword wherever Hercules is hiding his hydra shark penises.

"Well..." Cloud said, delicate brow furrowing, "I don't want to fight him! Or you..." For Sephiroth
now had murder in his eyes. "Please understand, Sephykins..."

Axel: HAHAHAHA SEPHYKINS! Yessss, who's our little Sephykins?! You are! You aaaaare!
Xaldin: *mutters to Lexaeus* I think he might be losing it...
Demyx: *as Cloud* Let's make love! Not war! Like all three of us! Together, right now!

SEPHIROTH TRIES TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION, BUT--

"Hey!" shouted Cloud, "you're just jealous!"

Axel: OH EM GEE YOU'RE JUST JELUUZ OF HIS KOOSHBALL HOMING HYDRA SHARK PENISES!
Demyx: I'M GONNA DEFRIEND YOOO!

"I am not!" bellowed Sephiroth. "You listen to me--"

"He's starting to attack again!" shouted Leon in warning to the bickering SOLDIERS,

Demyx: *as Leon* HAY GUYS we have a PLOT over here!
Xaldin: *as an incredulous Cloud* Plot?!
Demyx: Quick Cloud, play your penisplant in defense mode!

gathering up Yuffie and Sora and running to relative safety. Cloud and Sephiroth looked up just in time to see the knotted penises release a gigantimous load. The jets of fluid, powerful as fire hoses, crashed into Sephiroth's chest and shot him backwards, away from the blond.

Lexaeus: Well, I guess the hydra-shark-penises aren't that knotted.
Demyx: DANCE, WATER, D--
All: *pummel him*

Sephiroth rolled in midair to the side of the powerfully pressurized stream, just in time before he could be thrown into the side of a temple wall.

Axel: THIS AIN'T A CUTSCENE, BITCH, PRESS A!
Lexaeus: Looks like he did.

/How could he possibly have ejaculated?/ Sephiroth thought frantically, even as he cooly wiped the liquid with his hands with distaste. /That freak was flaccid enough to tie in knots, so--/ It took the white haired warrior two seconds before realizing it was urine.

All: .....
Lexaeus: So. Um...anyone got a joke here?
Demyx: Well, I know I'm never gonna be able to take a piss, ever again.

His eye twitched.

Kill him. He was going to kill him. He was going to split his head like a melon.

All: *cheer*
Axel and Demyx: Sephy, Sephy, he's our man, if he can't kill them, no one can!
Lexaeus: We of Organization XIII approve of this course of action.
Axel: Now get to it!

"Eww!" Cloud yelled. "Hercules, I...I thought you loved me!"

Hercules paused and looked a little awkward. "Well, I do, baby, you know I do..."

Demyx: *sings, as Sephiroth* I said I loved you but I lied, 'cause this is more than love I feel inside!
Lexaeus: My Cloud, it's all about you, you, you.
Xaldin: 'Cause nothing says love like getting spiked in the ass, getting your balls ripped off and forced to eat them, and taking a urine bath!
Axel: Mention that to the AkuRoku fanbrats and I'll murder you myself.

"Then why'd you do that?" sobbed Cloud. "I'm all stinky now...but that's nothing compared to the pain in my heart!"

Xaldin: Cripes, who wrote this dialogue, George Lucas?
Demyx: ...Ouch.

Hercules scratched his head. "But just the other night you told me you wanted me to pee on you."

"AND YOU DID!" screamed Cloud. "...oh."

Lexaeus: And that was Cloud, with this week's episode of Too Much Information!
Xaldin: Tune in next week to discover what kind of wax Cloud uses on his chest hairs!

Hercules blinked. "How can I make you happy, baby?"

The disgusting sheen of adoration

Axel: *helpfully* And urine!

A NEW PLAYER ENTERS THE SCENE!

Sephiroth's eyebrows twitched minutely and he tilted his gaze upward. Standing over him, presence somehow gone undetected by Sephiroth, was the immense black, three-headed behemoth Cerberus. Strapped securely to the canine's underside, between his legs, hung the god of the Underworld, Hades.

Demyx: I thought you're supposed to ride on TOP of the dog.
Xaldin: *squints* Judging by Hades's position, I'd say that the dog was riding him.
Demyx: *looks ill*

Sephiroth stared up quizzically. "I did not come 'crawling back'; I didn't even come back. You walked up behind me." He blinked, nothing the unbecoming manner in which the god's robes were hitched up above his hips. "And what are you doing?"

Axel: Helping the author cover every single kink known to mankind, apparently!
Xaldin: *peeks at the script* Boy are you going to regret asking that question.
Demyx: *sings* Hike up your skirt a little moooore and show the woooorld to me!

"Oh, this?" said Hades, eyebrows quirked enigmatically. "Just goes to show I can still do my job as god of the Underworld, even with a giant three-headed dog doing me up the ass." And the blue-skinned, thin faced deity crossed his arms with finality, looking smug.

Lexaeus: I'd like to see him put that on his resume.
Xaldin: "Work skills: driven. Focused. Can complete tasks while a giant three-headed dog does me up the ass."
Demyx: *as Hades* For my next trick, I will walk and chew bubble gum!
Axel: *as a Mortal Kombat announcer* FANFIC LOSES. BESTIALITY.

"Yes, yes," said Sephiroth testily, "that's all very well and good, but I'm in the middle of something. Pray tell, how is this relevant to your job as god of the Underworld?"

Xaldin: When they all die in the most horrible ways possible, I imagine it'll be very relevant!

A look of utmost seriousness crossed the normally humorous god's face.

Lexaeus: Oh no. It's SERIOUS BUSINESS time.
Xaldin: I refuse to take SERIOUS BUSINESS time seriously when it potentially involves homing penis hydra sharks hellbent on making Cloud their bitch.

CLOUD AND HERCULES DECIDE TO MAKE OUT DURING THE "EXPOSITION!"

Hades raised an eyebrow. "Yes...as you can see, the necessary events are coming together seamlessly."

Axel: More like Cloud and Hercules are coming together, amirite?
Xaldin: Now now, it was already established through a major plot point that Hercules can't currently come.

He turned back to Sephiroth. "Do you understand?"

Sephiroth blinked. "You haven't explained anything."

Demyx: *as Hades* Well, YOU try giving exposition to this crapfic while being buttsexed by a giant three-headed dog, mister, and see how coherent YOU are!

Hades nodded with a flat smile. "I will, then. You see--" But he was interrupted as the giant three-headed dog he was strapped to seemed to sniff something in the air,

Demyx: *as Cerebus* BACONBACONBACONBACON! I SMEEEEEEELL BACON!

then bounded away enthusiastically--taking him with it.

SEPHIROTH CONTEMPLATES KILLING THEM ALL. UNFORTUNATELY, HE DOESN'T FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THIS.

Yuffie poked Leon experimentally with her foot, squealing with delight when he twitched. Cerberus had stepped on him as he bounded off.

Axel: Now he dead from giant dog paw.
Lexaeus: *as Leon* Don't tread on me!
Demyx: Leon pancakes, anyone?

"Person, lady, kid," said Sephiroth, his voice steely, "I'm about to kill that freak and my lover. I've only known you for a short period of time, but...I'm glad I was able to meet you."

He paused.

"Wait, what the fuck?"

Axel: SOMEONE just realized they were in the fanfic.
Demyx: Took him long enough.

The swordsman had missed it, distracted as he was by Cloud and Hercules sucking face, but one of the nearby penises, though still held by the knot, had stretched out and bitten Sephiroth in the ankle. What's more, it seemed its magical semen-slicked bite was inducive of insanity.

Axel: It's a madhouse! A MAAAAAADHOUSE!
Lexaeus: Now he's going to ask Yuffie to suck out the poison. Semen. Insanity. Whatever it is.
Demyx: *horrified* SNAKE, SNAKE! It's a SNAAAAKE!

Hercules looked up past Cloud'sspiky head to sneer at Sephiroth triumphantly.

"Ha! Now not only do I have your woman--"

"Man," Cloud interjected.

Demyx: HO, burn on Cloud!
Lexaeus: Burn on all that is good and bright in the world, really.
Axel: Now, as soon as I count to five--
Demyx: Three, sir!
Axel: Yes, three!

"--but soon, you too will become one of my mighty penises!!"

All: WHAT?!
Demyx: Holy crap, his penises ARE the Borg!
Axel: *as Hercules* I want YOU, to become one of my mighty penises!
Xaldin: The few. The proud. The penises.

"...what?" said Sephiroth, exasperated.

Xaldin: MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY.

"Yes!" Hercules crowed. "For you see, each of these penises holds the soul of many a brave warrior whom I defeated and absorbed into my meaty, glorious loins!!"

Xaldin: You MONSTER.
Lexaeus: This sounds familiar somehow, well, except for the whole penis part.
Axel: Oh, so he's some kind of Absorbatron! Absorba...thing. Abzorbaloff?
Demyx: Yes yes, that's it, Abszorbaloff.
Axel: You're not from Raxacoricofallapatorius, are you?
Demyx: No, I'm not! They're swine! I spit on them! I was born on their twin planet.
Axel: Really? What's the twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius?
Demyx: Clom.

"Goddammit!" Sephiroth swore. "I've had about enough of this. You!"

Demyx: OUT OF MY FANDOM!
Axel: *as Sephiroth* That's IT! I have HAD it with these motherfucking penises on my motherfucking uke!

SEPHIROTH ASKS YUFFIE FOR TORCHES. BUT THERE ARE NONE TO BE FOUND.

Deciding to remedy that, he slammed his head into a nearby wall. Three times. Hard.

Lexaeus: This sounds like a GREAT idea!
Demyx: Am I the only person wondering about the status of that um...penis bite Sephiroth got?
Axel: ...Yes.

Cloud unglued himself and cried, "Sephiroth! No! Not your beautiful hair...!"

Axel: What would Lady Lovelylocks think?!
Demyx: *as Sephiroth* My source of POWER!
Lexaeus: Um, Cloud, I think his hair kind of got ruined with that whole urine shower deal back there.

Sephiroth stumbled about, feet tripping on themselves. "Father, can you hear me~" he sang quietly, gathering up Masumine with fluidly moving arms and staggering towards Cloud with a decidedly odd look on his face.

Axel: *as Sephiroth* I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT GOD!
Lexaeus: He's so insane, he spelled his own sword wrong.
Xaldin: And Sephiroth's brain has been claimed by the badfic.
Demyx: At least he got a new sword out of it?

Sephiroth threw his arms about Cloud and solidly head-butted the blond in the face.

Xaldin: The Zidane is strong in this one.
Demyx: AHA! It was his plan to get red carded out of the fanfic ALL ALONG!

"Ow." Cloud said before falling over. Sephiroth grinned madly and made to do the same with Hercules when he noticed, to his concussed amusement, that his arms had melded into his sides and were slowly beginning to disappear. He giggled and head-butted Hercules anyway.

Axel: Sephiroth! Use your headbutt attack!
Xaldin: It's not very effective...
Demyx: But what about his arms disappearing, and...
Xaldin: It's best to just ignore that for now.

"Leon!" said Yuffie. "Where are you going? Why are you crawling?"

Axel: IIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIN

"Ribs...broken..." muttered Leon on the floor. Yuffie prodded him with her foot.

Lexaeus: *as Leon* Sanity...shattering...
Xaldin: *as same* Mind...breaking...down...
Axel: *as same* Sentences...fragmenting...

"Uh...maybe you shouldn't be moving, then..."

Demyx: Uh, maybe you shouldn't be prodding him with your foot, then.

"No...I have to..."

Axel: Talk...like...Shatner.
Demyx: And...abuse...ellipses.
Xaldin: Alright ellipses, show us on the doll where the badfic touched you.

LEON MUST GET TO SOMEONE.

"No..."

"Uh...um...who then?

Axel: WELL GEE WHO ELSE IS LEFT?!
Demyx: Oh! I know! Hades!
Axel: *smacks Demyx upside the head*

Oh, Sephiroth?" At Leon's pained nod, she blinked. "But why?"

TRUE LOVE, NATURALLY!

"That doesn't matter...it's...love...true..." and here Leon broke off and coughed up a lot of blood.

Demyx: *as Leon* SENPAI...
Lexaeus: I think the gap between your vocabulary and sincerity is too great.

Yuffie watched him, bemused, then shrugged. "Okay, if you must have him...or whatever. Hold on a sec." She got up, walked to the quickly penisfying Sephiroth, and picked him up.

Xaldin: Witness: the birth of a new verb!
Lexaeus: Once again, dragged kicking and screaming into vocabulary.

Hercules was too busy with Cloud to notice. She returned to Leon and held Sephiroth out to him.

Xaldin: Penisfying is a verb that should never, ever have to exist.
Axel: ...They're STILL making out?!
Demyx: *sings* Kiss a little loooonger! Longer with big red! That big red freshness lasts right through it! Your fresh breath goes on and on...while you chew it!

"Hey...Leon! Wake up! Here's your 'true love'".

Leon looked up weakly. "Bring him closer."

Lexaeus: *deadpan* He wants to fuck you like an animal. He wants to feel you from the inside.

Yuffie made a face, but did as she was told. When the penis-Sephiroth was close enough, Leon gave it the most passionate kiss of his life.

Axel: Years later, the blackmail photos would still be the bane of his existence.
Demyx: The penis-Sephiroth doesn't still have his hair on it, does it?

Sephiroth, whose face, though rapidly shrinking, was still visible, seemed to respond readily. There was a flash of light, and there he stood, in all his black-leather-clad glory. His green eyes, once again sane and cool, scanned the scene. "Ahem."

Lexaeus: He's taken this whole situation remarkably well.
Axel: And so, the Princess Sephiroth was awakened from penisification by a kiss from his one true love!
Xaldin: He and the prince then lived happily ever after in their palace, the end!



YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE SO EASILY, USERS. HERE IS THE SECOND PART.