A Halloween doublefeature for our dear readers! We thought we'd do something light and fluffy after the gerbils and the nazism and whatnot nurturing Tegu's budding alcoholism and all. And they're even thematically appropriate! The first one, The Birth Of Axel, is set during the first game, in the first game's version of Halloween Town--a nostalgic, tender time, full of innocence and love. ...Not anymore. The second is our first and only fic culled from the Kingdom Hearts kinkmeme! We're both big fans of the meme, write for it, track it, all that good stuff. We don't generally consider kinkmeme fics sporkable, because, well...the entire POINT of it is to be mindless lurid kinkfuel. It'd be like mocking a Boston Terrier for being derpy, or a fish for swimming and being delicious, or a Patriots fan for being a colossal ass. So, in other words, you've got to fellate donkeys in new and unusual ways to attract our attention, which is precisely what A Slap In The F--I'm sorry, A Gving Jailer does."

Also, beware of a few minor spoilers for 358/2 Days here, since we have both finished the game.

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Title: The Birth of Axel
Author: Cave
Rating: While short, four shadows seems appropriate enough for this.

Full Name (including any titles): Sora, and Skippy.
Full Species(es): Canonus Horndogicus, Heartless Gargoylicus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not mentioned.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Who cares?
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Shock and awe!
Special Possessions (if any): A persistent cock, an inquisitive personality, and booze.

Origin: Too much free time
Connections To Canon Characters: Looked them up on Rule 34.
Special Abilities: Well, there's... yeah.
Other Annoying Traits: Just using the whole drunkenness bit as an excuse is perfectly annoying in of itself.

I Say/Notes: It's bestiality.

Is there really anything else we need to say?

Sample:

( ROUND ONE: BESTIALITY! FIGHT! )

Title: A Very Gving Jailer
Author: Anonymous
Rating: No more than three.

Full Name (including any titles): Axel and Kairi
Full Species(es): Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): As canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Short limbs?
Special Possessions (if any): Handcuffs, boots and a killer libido.

Origin: The kink meme
Connections To Canon Characters: Gave them a cursory glance, then went back to Y!Gallery.
Special Abilities: The ability to get REALLY SUPER WET, also to whine a lot.
Other Annoying Traits: A whoooole lot of pointless, OOC swearing.

I Say/Notes: This is like the porn equivalent of watching two salamanders go at it: it's fast, not sexy, and makes you feel a little slimy afterwards. Except salamanders are actually in-character.

Sample:

( ROUND TWO: MISOGYNY! FIGHT! )

At long last, we bring you the final part of this bizarre sporking trip. We hope that you enjoyed this ride into mpreg land! Look out for a doublefeature from us next time we spork again!

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

( Chapter sixteen: In which Zexion dopes himself silly )

( Chapter seventeen: In which there are wedding crashers )

( Chapter eighteen: In which there are murder attempts, marriage and some sort of ending )

Right on the hells of that emo, we've got another three chapters for you! This will be our second to last post for this fic, so we're nearly there!

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

( Chapter thirteen: In which Zexion chooses a red dress )

( Chapter fourteen: In which we meet the parents )

( Chapter fifteen: In which Cloud gets bitten by a rabid Zexion )


The final parts will come later this week!

Not much to say, just that here's another three chapters for your reading pleasure. Watch out for excessive emo and suicide attempts!

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

( Chapter ten: In which it's rape time for Cloud )

( Chapter eleven: In which Axel drops off a necklace )

( Chapter twelve: In which there is a daffodil conspiracy )


Look out for three more chapters in the coming week!

And here's another three chapters of this nutty story! Also, we'd like to offer a bit of clarification, since it seems readers are assuming the default: the author of this story is actually male.

With that knowledge, onward we go!

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

( Chapter seven: In which Zexion races his pregnancy and wins )

( Chapter eight: In which Marluxia is the competition )

( Chapter nine: In which there is growling )

Expect more to come later!

We're back, with three more chapters! Ready for the mpreg? Apparently the characters aren't, but they ARE ready for nuzzling.

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

( Chapter four: In which Zexion jumps into peoples' laps )

( Chapter five: In which dancing is like acting )

( Chapter six: In which Zexion suffers from morning sickness )

There will be more chapters as we spork them!

We're back again, with a nice long multichapter fic full of strippers, arranged marriages, tear-stained mascara and mpreg! Reading this fic was like being whacked repeatedly in the head with a large-mouth bass by a howler monkey in lederhosen screaming DOCTOR JONES, DOCTOR JONES, WAKE UP NOW.

We hope this sporking helps soften the sheer brutal beating of whatthefuckery.

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Title: Oblivion’s Club For Young Gentlemen
Author: MisterCreamPie
Rating: Four shadows seems appropriate for this thing.
Full Name (including any titles): Zexion, Lexaeus, Axel, Demyx and Cloud primarily...really there’s just about every male character in the game, plus some Final Fantasy ones.
Full Species(es): Canonus strippericus, Canonus rapetasticus
Hair Color (include adjectives): Normal plus some really unusual adjectives...
Eye Color (include adjectives): Sparkly gems!
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: It’s across the street to the hospital and down the road to the morgue, you know!
Special Possessions (if any): Stripper poles, expansive mansions, limousines, panties, and The Most Ridiculous Wedding Dress You Will Ever See. Oh yeah, and assbabies.

Origin: The illegitimate lovechild of “Coyote Ugly” and “Junior.”
Connections To Canon Characters: ...You know, I can’t even think of a connection with this one.
Special Abilities: Well there’s the incredible pole dancing, the hours of sex and the constant giggling and sighing. And then there’s the part where an eight-months-pregnant Zexion in a waist-high wedding dress and dress shoes throws himself Matrix-like in front of a bullet. And survives it.
Other Annoying Traits: A near-ceaseless stream of giggling every line spoken.

I Say/Notes: I thought long and hard for a phrase that would accurately describe this fic. And yet, after hours of wracking my brain and realizing I had no clue what I had just read, the best phrase I could muster up was “a seventh-grade 19th-century Barbie-pink cliché-groping pedo-tastic clusterfuck.”
Perhaps you can figure it out better than we can? Goooood luck.

( Chapter one: In which there are teenage strippers )

( Chapter two: In which Zexion decides to marry the mole )

( Chapter three: In which there are SEVERAL HOURS OF SEX )

That's all for now. But never fear, brave readers...there will be more chapters of this mind-bending fic in the near future!

Well, dear readers, in the big list of Fun Facts about Your Sporker Tegu, including the fact that she’s an excellent cook and lives within a mile of where HP Lovecraft is buried, you will find out that Marluxia is actually her favorite Kingdom Hearts character. Has been ever since Chain Of Memories came out on GBA. This is important to understanding the true horror of this fic:

It was the only piece of Marluxia porn on the internet for months.

Now, suffer as I have, you poor saps.

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Title: Gerbil (From Adult Fanfiction.net, please be aware of age restrictions.)
Author: over_looked
Rating: Five Shadows. It wants the Ansem really bad, but let’s face it, it can only dream of being as bad as Kooshball or Snakes on a Sora.
Full Name (including any titles): Marluxia and Axel and Hamtaro gerbil makes three!
Full Species(es): Nobodies with AMAZING REGENERATIVE POWAHS, Meriones unguiculatus.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Red, pink, grey with a white underbelly.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Green, blue, black and beady.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Well, Marluxia ends up with one, but that would be spoiling.
Special Possessions (if any): Giant mirror, a series of tubes.

Origin: Bad urban legends.
Connections To Canon Characters: …I’m not sure. Supposedly are them, but. Whatever.
Special Abilities: Marluxia is regenerative and has AMAZING POWERS OF MINDFUCKERY.
Other Annoying Traits: Lulztastic prose.

I Say/Notes: Thank God it’s short.

( squeak squeak squeak )

And here we have the VERY FINAL PART of this sporking. Thank you for bearing with us on this particular fic, and remember, kids: stay in school!

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Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

( Chapter 12: In which the sexism starts )

( Chapter 13: In which Himmler plays matchmaker )

( Chapter 14: In which Axel and Rikku agree to disagree )

This time around we just have two chapters for you. This should be the second-to-last post for this fic, thank everything.

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Title: If I Was Your Nazi
Author: XFamousXLastXWordsX
Rating: There will never be enough Ansems in this world to fully convey just how horrible, how offensive this...writing is.

Full Name (including any titles): Roxas and Axel, plus most of the Organization and other main male characters. They also get "German" last names.
Full Species(es): Canonus Nazism
Hair Color (include adjectives): Overly descriptive spikyness.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Cerulean" and "peridot" eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Come on. Peridot eyes? Also, does it count if Axel's father is Himmler?
Special Possessions (if any): The SS Family van. Rare guns and stolen jewelry. Concentration camps. Piles of paperwork. Televisions, even in the 1940s! Roxas has a terribly tacky necklace. A gay Jewish tacky necklace, or something.

Origin: Your high school world history class
Connections To Canon Characters: Doodled them doing each other up the butt on the author's school notes while the class was watching 'Schindler's List.'
Special Abilities: Most of the main characters magically have the ability to view Nazism and the Holocaust through the lens of contemporary thought. That is, when they're not complaining about the cafeteria food. Demyx suddenly has Gaydar?
Other Annoying Traits: It's not a proper yaoi fic without really annoying pet names!

I Say/Notes: Quite honestly, there are no words to accurately describe how sickeningly offensive this fic is on every level of mankind. Nazism, the SS and all things associated with it are treated exactly like high school. Rounding up them Jews? It's a summer job! Speeches from Hitler? Rallies in the gym! Hitler speaking to said "rally?" Man, what a boring speaker for this school meeting! Could Roxas possibly be gay? Tee-hee, wait until the SS gossip column finds out! Heinrich Himmler? That old-fashioned parent who just doesn't understand their gay true love!

Oh, how we wish we were just shitting you.

We suggest the overly sensitive or easily offended skip over this sporking. No really, save your faith in humanity while you've still got some left.

Sample:

( Chapter 10: In which Seifer does a hanging )

( Chapter 11: In which Demyx joins the team )